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  #1  
Old 04-19-2018, 06:42 PM
Sofia96 Sofia96 is offline
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Default Not sure what to do or if we are even still together

Hi, Iím new to this forum... feel relieved to have found a forum like this where I can share my story and turn to ppl who might have gone through a similar situation. Everyone has their own story but I hope that it all works out for all of you...canít say I know how tough it must be..

So this is my story:
My boyfriend of 10 months got violent with me about 6 weeks ago. He tried to apologise but I cut him off. He had also violated his probation and was extremely rude to his probation officer on the same day he became violent. For a week, he tried to get in contact, at times losing his patience saying he would not bother anymore because I refused to communicate with him. After that he stopped contacting me. A few days later I decided to unblock him so that he could contact me again if he wanted to. But he didnít so I was worried something had happened to him, but put it at the back of my mind thinking maybe he simply did not want to contact me. About a week later I called his mum and was told that he had not returned home for like 10 days and she was really worried. She called me back later in tears to tell me she had called the probation officer and found out that he had been arrested.

Since then I have not heard from him. His ďuncleĒ whom he always turns to for help has not heard from him. His uncle said if he had gone to prison, he would have been the first person he had called as he knew the number by heart. Itís been 5-6 weeks. Today I found out from the courts over the phone that he had been arrested for theft of a motor vehicle and his sentence on top of the violation of probation was 16 months. I feel devastated.

Iím left with a choice to make. Should I try to contact him using prisoner location services? But Iím afraid that he doesnít want to speak with me as he has not contacted me all this while. The uncle said if he had really cared about me he would have tried and somehow get in contact with me to tell me he was in prison. Please help me shed light on this situation. Thank you.
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Old 04-19-2018, 06:51 PM
mama_pig mama_pig is offline
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Hi and welcome! This is my opinion... He got violent with you. You have not been together that long and more likely than not, that type of behavior will only escalate. Take his current incarceration as a blessing from God who is removing you out of a toxic situation and giving you enough time to make a serious change and cut ties.

He sounds unstable and it is NEVER OKAY to get violent with a woman. EVER! No apology is ever enough. From what you posted, your gut reaction was to get away from him and I feel that was the right thing to do.

Just my thoughts. Take them or leave them.
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  #3  
Old 04-19-2018, 06:57 PM
Sofia96 Sofia96 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mama_pig View Post
Hi and welcome! This is my opinion... He got violent with you. You have not been together that long and more likely than not, that type of behavior will only escalate. Take his current incarceration as a blessing from God who is removing you out of a toxic situation and giving you enough time to make a serious change and cut ties.

He sounds unstable and it is NEVER OKAY to get violent with a woman. EVER! No apology is ever enough. From what you posted, your gut reaction was to get away from him and I feel that was the right thing to do.

Just my thoughts. Take them or leave them.

Thank you mama_pig... thatís what my loved ones tell me too, my sister and all. Idk why I care so much about him and find it so hard to let go.. I donít feel like my life is in danger or that he is a bad or violent person but maybe Iím just being foolish because I just want him to be good. I still have love for him despite everything
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Old 04-19-2018, 07:58 PM
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Default Dating a volatile guy but hoping he will change

My boyfriend of 10 months got violent with me and we fell out and I cut him off. shortly after that he was arrested. Iím at a loss at what to do now as we left things on such a bad note, Iím not even certain we are together anymore.

This was the 3rd time he ever slapped me, and I donít think itís ever okay to hit someone...and I donít understand how u can hit someone u love. The way I see it, if he really did love me he wouldnít have laid a finger on me.

I hope he will change, he knows I donít accept it too, but people tell me the chances of him changing is close to impossible...

Please let me know if youíve had similar experience or some insight into my situation. Thank you.
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Old 04-19-2018, 08:43 PM
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Here's a quick insight - the hitting is almost never the first boundary crossed. That's usually words, ones that make you feel like you're not being a proper girlfriend, not paying enough attention to him and too much attention to others, or it's a kind of sex you don't want or when you don't want it. So he's crossed boundaries well before that first hit.

The sorry news is that he's not going to change. Fewer than 10% of hitters do, and only after hefty prison terms. Counseling doesn't help, nor do drugs.

You're better off by far to let go of him, regardless of whether or not he's letting go of you. He might try to draw you back in with some sort of sweet "I've changed" words, but it's almost impossible for him to actually change.

Put him in the rearview mirror, promptly!
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Old 04-19-2018, 09:16 PM
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The only thing you can change is your hope that he will change. You need to get into counseling to understand domestic violence and how it works in this relationship. It will help you let go.
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  #7  
Old 04-19-2018, 10:53 PM
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Slapping you 3 times is 3 times too many.... hoping he will change is just as effective than expecting the world starting to turn the other way... move on... look ahead and never let anyone do that to you ever again..
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  #8  
Old 04-20-2018, 01:25 AM
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I been there done that but this was my kids Dad/ex husband. I used to say I wanted him to get help but after years of having to go thru it, I just wanted to remain strong so I would never have to endure it again. It don't just happen once or 3 times girl, it's a cycle. If he's hit you 3 times its only gonna get worse. Trust me. I don't care what program he's gonna take or says he's gonna do. Him going to prison is your chance to get out. If you know its wrong why sit here and even question whether you're together or not? I would rather be alone all my life before I would go back to being with someone that hurt me. Real talk.

Leave him in the dust. He should of thought about that b4 touching you the 1st time. Stop giving him the opportunity in hopes this issue will never come about again.

I don't usually sit on here and tell people to leave but domestic violence hits home with me. Its not a joke or a situation that gets better.
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Old 04-20-2018, 06:16 AM
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Many times the only change with abusers is escalation, slaps become punches, or worse.
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Old 04-20-2018, 09:27 AM
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Let me do some quick calculations: You have been together for TEN MONTHS. Let's deduct the "honeymoon phase" of, say, ONE month. He is in prison. I don't know for sure he has been, but to keep the calculation simple, maybe ONE month.

10 - 1 - 1 = 8 months. So within those 8 (to maybe 9) months he has slapped you THREE times. Every 8-9 weeks you got a slap from him. Has your "I won't tolerate that." stopped him yet?

Now is your chance to sort yourself out and get up and out. Do it for YOU.
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Old 04-20-2018, 12:23 PM
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Do yourself a favour and get away from this guy. He wont change and things will probably just get worse.He is an abuser and they rarely change.
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Old 04-20-2018, 08:34 PM
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As much as it hurts to let go it is what you MUST do. A man should make you feel safe and be your protector, they should NEVER put their hands on you. I'm sorry you were in this type of relationship. I went through it too when I was younger, my ex slapped me and then it escalated to choking me. I got a restraining order and moved. Please move on with your life without him, you deserve real love.
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Old 04-21-2018, 02:18 AM
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Welcome to Prison Talk!

We all have different boundaries but violence is something I personally could not live with. I was with someone violent when I was young (I walked away), and I believe once he has laid his hands on you it is only a matter of time until it happens again. He IS a violent person, that's just a fact sweetie; if he weren't a violent person he would not have gotten violent with you. You will never, ever know how bad the next time will be; he could seriously hurt you or even kill you. The women (and men) killed in a domestic violence situation....you never think it will happen to you, but it happens to a lot of people who, just like you, wanted to see the good in that person, wanted to believe s/he is "not bad". I am not saying violent people are "bad" and there is no hope for them...but personally I would not risk my health and life by staying with someone who got violent with me.

You make your own decisions in life and regarding your relationship...but I would urge you to take this opportunity to take a safe exit and not try to contact him again. You love him and it will be tough for a moment, but life will go on and you will be fine...trust me, I'm old enough to know
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Old 04-21-2018, 02:25 AM
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NOTE: I merged your two threads into one as both had replies.
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Old 04-21-2018, 08:02 AM
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Old 04-21-2018, 10:25 AM
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Get some counseling for battered women if this is a pattern in your relationships. slap number one would have been one too many for me. Your worth more than that. Add on top of it he obviously is still breaking the law by stealing cars and this story just doesn’t sound healthy. Good luck! I hope you find someone healthy to treat you well.
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Old 05-10-2018, 10:16 AM
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Hello!
I agree with everyone here.
My baby daddy has been in jail for 2 years already, he got arrested for a violent crime, and was abusive with me. He has sworn up and and down that he has changed(not because he wants to get back together but for baby girl) and sometimes it seems like he has, BUT one little thing he doens't like and he's back to his old self.
Like your boyfriend he was not violent at first. I say he got "comfortable" to show his true colors which is what I think your guy has done as well. leave him.
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