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The Nimuay Domestic Violence Support Forum News and information relating to domestic violence in general. Please post here if you don't see a sub-forums that fits better.

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  #26  
Old 03-29-2019, 06:03 AM
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I was once in love with a man who managed to spend more than a few nights in jail. I was so relieved when he didn't end up in prison.

Then he tried to kill me. Had my reflexes been slower, he probably would have succeeded.

This is why people keep telling you that it's not a good idea for you to visit. The law and the heart and the mind are rarely all on the same page.
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Old 03-29-2019, 08:29 AM
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The worst that can happen in jail is that he actually goes to your visit and they bust him for violating a criminal restraining order, resulting in more charges.
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Old 03-29-2019, 09:14 AM
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I dont know for sure, but you said YOU were not told by someone on your team about a restraining order.
Guessing HIS did. He would be aware of it. He's the one who should be staying away from you.


Even if you do manage to get a visit, and he accepts the visit eventually the jail will be told about your visiting him. Then the next time you go you could be turned away.


I dont see any harm in trying to drop off his reading glasses. Not sure if they will accept them or not. Sort of depends on the glasses frames.


I really wish you would listen to those who have been on the same path as you.
At least take what they are saying into account. It feels like you are ignoring everything they are telling you.
Im sure at some point in their relationship with someone who is abusive they thought alot of the same things you do.
Like they are broken
Love will help him
If I do better so will he
If I do this, he will love me and then he will be better or dont do that and he wont *snap*
etc


If you have not read thru this forum, please do so again. I dont think very many of the stories come out with a *happy ending*
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  #29  
Old 03-29-2019, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
I dont know for sure, but you said YOU were not told by someone on your team about a restraining order.
Guessing HIS did. He would be aware of it. He's the one who should be staying away from you.


Even if you do manage to get a visit, and he accepts the visit eventually the jail will be told about your visiting him. Then the next time you go you could be turned away.


I dont see any harm in trying to drop off his reading glasses. Not sure if they will accept them or not. Sort of depends on the glasses frames.


I really wish you would listen to those who have been on the same path as you.
At least take what they are saying into account. It feels like you are ignoring everything they are telling you.
Im sure at some point in their relationship with someone who is abusive they thought alot of the same things you do.
Like they are broken
Love will help him
If I do better so will he
If I do this, he will love me and then he will be better or dont do that and he wont *snap*
etc


If you have not read thru this forum, please do so again. I dont think very many of the stories come out with a *happy ending*
Quote:
So on the day of my boyfriends arraignment, I told my DA that it was fine they placed a temporary restraining order against my boyfriend until the Prelim. Well the judge (against my consent) went ahead and put a 3 year Permanent Restraining Order against my boyfriend. I was never given any copies of said restraining order so I have no idea what I can/cannot do or what he can/cannot do...etc
She is trying to find a technicality that will allow her to see her abuser without consequences for either of them.

OP: good DV counseling will tell you when you are ready to have any contact with him. That counelor will make sure it would be a healthy thing by conferring with HIS psychologist to make sure that such contact will be in his best interests as well. Then both counselors can join in a petition to modify the protective order.

You need to let your counselor actually help you.
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  #30  
Old 03-30-2019, 11:39 AM
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Your “therapy”... I would bet my next paycheck it’s not a domestic abuse specialist or even a person qualified for the situation. The focus on “self care” sounds like the “essential oils” version of therapy. Combine that with your “legal team” that doesn’t know how restraining orders work and I have to question your methods of assembling your entourage.

You need real counseling. An actual licensed person with a degree and experience with intimate partner abuse.

You also need real legal advice from someone familiar with restraining orders (hint hint- an actual attorney familiar with California restraining orders posted several times on your thread) so you don’t end up watching him get busted for a violation right before your eyes.
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  #31  
Old 04-04-2019, 06:13 PM
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This is going to sound really harsh and I’m seriously not trying to be mean.

He doesn’t love you and he has zero respect for you- it’s not because he has “demons” that you can love away; it’s the fact you mean nothing to him, you’re nothing more than a means to an end- whether it’s money, sex, attention etc, he’s getting something from you and it’s not love that he’s after- no matter what he says.
He abused you enough to be put in prison- he treated you like less than an animal—
do you see him attacking and abusing animals?

If yes- then he’s pure evil.
If no, then he has more respect for animals than he does you.

Also, these guys lose even more respect for you when you keep going back to them after they do this; you become even lower than dirt in their eyes because you have zero self respect- you’re probably thinking he’ll be grateful that someone loves him as much as you do and you stay with him despite everything—- no, what he’s thinking is “ I can do whatever I want to this dumb bitch and she STILL keeps coming back for more”
That’s why the abuse ALWAYS gets worse- they know you’ll come crawling back each time.
In fact, he’s probably disgusted with the fact that you come back after what he’s done.

These guys do not change- and if he needs reading glasses, his family can get him some.

I’m not trying to be mean, and I know how you feel because Ive been in a dv relationship.
It was hard for me to accept that this was the reality of what they think— I know you think yours is different, we ALL thought ours was different and our relationship was different and more complex and nuanced than the other dv relationships.
It’s not- this is how it is, this is the ugly truth of it.
Read the book “ why does he do that” as soon as you can.

Good luck out there xo
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