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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 03-27-2018, 03:10 PM
cnspivey cnspivey is offline
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Default Just so hard

T and I met in 2008. He was so kind, polite, and adoring. I had never been treated so well. We were in our mid twenties. He had been out for a year after serving 3 1/2. We both liked to go out and drink. His drinking slowly turned into drinking with xanax and opiates and it led to me giving him an ultimatum of the pills or me. He chose the pills and went back to prison 3 months later. I started writing him. I still loved him and he had no immediate family to be there for him. He apologized for his behavior prior to our break up and said he wished he would have stayed hanging out with me. I wrote for a year and things started to turn romantic. He maintained he did not want me to wait for him because he had 7 1/2 years left to go. A half year later I met my ex husband. I continued to write for a while until my ex said he didn't wanted me to. Through my ex and It's multiple separations, I would write just to check in and see if he was ok. I felt bad because I knew I was the only person there and I couldn't be. Fast forward to 6 months prior to his release. My ex and I were separated by states and going for divorce after years of abuse. I had a 5 month old son. T was now in work release. I wrote to update him on my life, my son, my career, how I wasn't a drinker anymore etc. I was still on his visit list. We wrote and I visited almost every Sunday. It was magic. I remembered how it felt to be treated like a human. We would just talk and talk and he would state at me like he won the lottery. When he was released, I was officially his girlfriend. It was going incredibly well. He and my son loved each other. We were about to move out of state together so I could live closer to family. I felt like all of the pieces had fallen into place, boy was I wrong.

I came home one morning from work to find crushed xanax on my table. He said that it was the last time. He started drinking more and more. It was to the point of being dangerous. This was all at about 5 months out. I offered to pay for counseling, therapy. He declined. He agreed to only drink on his nights off, but then would ask my permission to drink on other days. I finally told him I loved him, but I couldn't be his warden. I wanted him to be happy. We broke up, but he lived with me while looking for a place. His drinking got worse. He got his own place 2 weeks before I moved. One week before I moved he cried and said how hurt he was about everything, but it was too late. Finances, leases, jobs had changed. I gave him all of my furniture and everything so he could have a good start, since the place I was going was already furnished.I told him I loved him, that he was the world to me. We kept in contact over the next month. I told him that if he decided that he wanted to drink casually and lead a drug free life, my door would be wide open for him. We started seeing each other long distance. It was going well. I made arrangements to move back to the same state and then he destroyed me.
Two weeks after I had come down to visit for the second time, he broke up with me saying I was moving too fast and that we should just be friends for a little while. Then, the next day his female coworker attacks me on Facebook. She says that she is sleeping with him, and that I'm no threat to her etc. He lets her publicly humiliate me, with not even an I'm sorry. Come to find out she is his drug supply. He pretty much stops talking to me saying he needs space and basically making it out like he isn't wronging me in any way when two weeks earlier he gave me a key to his place and was talking about how he was looking forward to seeing me soon. The girls boyfriend of six years reaches out to me and is telling me about her drug and mental health problems and how she left all of her stuff and started staying with T because he can take care of her (he gets a small inheritance in installments).
So, here I am, left in the dirt for some xanax and a druggie. The worst part is, all I do is worry. I worry he'll OD. I worry he'll go back to prison. I should hate him, but I can't give up the thought that the guy I've known for 10 years is somewhere in there.
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Old 03-27-2018, 03:19 PM
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I'm so sorry. Sounds cliche but... Time is everything. Each day you'll think about him less and less. You won't notice it at first but it will get easier. You've given your all to this man, I know. But he has an issue, once that he has to deal with himself. It's time for you to think about your happiness. Know your worth, know that you will find someone who appreciates you someday...
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Old 03-27-2018, 03:33 PM
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I'm sorry girl. He's just not ready to give up that lifestyle. You keep getting built up only to be let down. You need to focus on what's best for you. Him drawing you back in isn't best and he knows you are in the background waiting every time.
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Old 03-27-2018, 03:36 PM
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Hi there I am sorry to hear you are going through this. unfortunately he is an addict and as such incapable of loving anyone other than his drug of choice.
I think you have dodged a bullet here and I hope you can move on and find happiness.
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Old 03-27-2018, 08:06 PM
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You had me at drugs!! Let it go, he'll bring you down with him ..
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Old 03-27-2018, 08:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cnspivey View Post
T and I met in 2008. He was so kind, polite, and adoring. I had never been treated so well. We were in our mid twenties. He had been out for a year after serving 3 1/2. We both liked to go out and drink. His drinking slowly turned into drinking with xanax and opiates and it led to me giving him an ultimatum of the pills or me. He chose the pills and went back to prison 3 months later. I started writing him. I still loved him and he had no immediate family to be there for him. He apologized for his behavior prior to our break up and said he wished he would have stayed hanging out with me. I wrote for a year and things started to turn romantic. He maintained he did not want me to wait for him because he had 7 1/2 years left to go. A half year later I met my ex husband. I continued to write for a while until my ex said he didn't wanted me to. Through my ex and It's multiple separations, I would write just to check in and see if he was ok. I felt bad because I knew I was the only person there and I couldn't be. Fast forward to 6 months prior to his release. My ex and I were separated by states and going for divorce after years of abuse. I had a 5 month old son. T was now in work release. I wrote to update him on my life, my son, my career, how I wasn't a drinker anymore etc. I was still on his visit list. We wrote and I visited almost every Sunday. It was magic. I remembered how it felt to be treated like a human. We would just talk and talk and he would state at me like he won the lottery. When he was released, I was officially his girlfriend. It was going incredibly well. He and my son loved each other. We were about to move out of state together so I could live closer to family. I felt like all of the pieces had fallen into place, boy was I wrong.

I came home one morning from work to find crushed xanax on my table. He said that it was the last time. He started drinking more and more. It was to the point of being dangerous. This was all at about 5 months out. I offered to pay for counseling, therapy. He declined. He agreed to only drink on his nights off, but then would ask my permission to drink on other days. I finally told him I loved him, but I couldn't be his warden. I wanted him to be happy. We broke up, but he lived with me while looking for a place. His drinking got worse. He got his own place 2 weeks before I moved. One week before I moved he cried and said how hurt he was about everything, but it was too late. Finances, leases, jobs had changed. I gave him all of my furniture and everything so he could have a good start, since the place I was going was already furnished.I told him I loved him, that he was the world to me. We kept in contact over the next month. I told him that if he decided that he wanted to drink casually and lead a drug free life, my door would be wide open for him. We started seeing each other long distance. It was going well. I made arrangements to move back to the same state and then he destroyed me.
Two weeks after I had come down to visit for the second time, he broke up with me saying I was moving too fast and that we should just be friends for a little while. Then, the next day his female coworker attacks me on Facebook. She says that she is sleeping with him, and that I'm no threat to her etc. He lets her publicly humiliate me, with not even an I'm sorry. Come to find out she is his drug supply. He pretty much stops talking to me saying he needs space and basically making it out like he isn't wronging me in any way when two weeks earlier he gave me a key to his place and was talking about how he was looking forward to seeing me soon. The girls boyfriend of six years reaches out to me and is telling me about her drug and mental health problems and how she left all of her stuff and started staying with T because he can take care of her (he gets a small inheritance in installments).
So, here I am, left in the dirt for some xanax and a druggie. The worst part is, all I do is worry. I worry he'll OD. I worry he'll go back to prison. I should hate him, but I can't give up the thought that the guy I've known for 10 years is somewhere in there.
I'm sorry this happened. It is not much, but be grateful he is doing this away from you and your child. Drugs are the mistress here. He can only save himself. You can only protect yourself and heal.
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Old 04-01-2018, 07:11 AM
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You are way better off without him. He's shown you he cant quit drugging and drinking.
And he wont stop until he decides he's had enough of it.
Nothing you do, or dont do will change that.

An addict cannot just have a few drinks. (whats that saying..one is too much and many isnt enough)

Stay away from him, he will only bring you down. Maybe get yourself to an Alanon meeting. Just go and listen. You dont have to talk. Or maybe a naranon meeting. Either or.

Focus on your son and you.

Sorry this happened.
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