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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 12-10-2017, 09:37 PM
Loved 19 Loved 19 is offline
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Default 17 years of waiting.... 3 months and it's over!

So in July of this year my man got out after 17 years of being locked up. He moved in with me and our son. Things were rocky at first. But it was starting to smooth out. Then one night he packs up his stuff and leaves. While I was at work. No word. No explaination. Nothing. Blocked me from his phone and social media. We have a few conversations here and there. But he was never clear on what he wanted. He messed with my head. Back and forth. Now he has moved on to someone else. And I'm devastated. I sit here everyday wondering how he could do this to me. We have been together off and on 22 years. More than half of both of our lives. He just took off. I know he's back on the streets. Doing the same things as before. He has already been arrested twice in 4 months. I just don't know what to do. He won't talk to me. And I just wish I could get him to wake up. After everythi g we have been through and he gets free and runs. I'm so lost. I'm so hurt. I love him so much. And I'm so worried about him. I just don't know what to do.
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Old 12-10-2017, 11:15 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this . I know it's hurts horribly. However I think for your own sake you need to let him go. You have no control over his choices and you will never " get him to wake up" . I would be hurt in your place but I would also be beyond pissed off that he didn't have the stones to at the very least break up with me face to face and not just scurry off like a rat in the dark. I hope when he goes back to prison you find the strength to stay away and not fall for the line he'll try to feed you. Work on making a life for yourself without him . Truth is if he loved you he wouldn't have treated you so disrespectfully. I'm sorry you are hurting and I understand how it feels to be heartbroken but hopefully you can take this as a lesson learned and move on. He's not worth any more tears..
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Old 12-10-2017, 11:19 PM
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I tell myself everyday that if he truly loved me he would be here with me. It's just the most painful thing to do. Let go. But I'm trying. I've blocked all numbers I know that are connected to him. And I have not tried to contact him in awhile. It's just so hard.
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Old 12-10-2017, 11:23 PM
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Default Time to move on

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Originally Posted by Loved 19 View Post
So in July of this year my man got out after 17 years of being locked up. He moved in with me and our son. Things were rocky at first. But it was starting to smooth out. Then one night he packs up his stuff and leaves. While I was at work. No word. No explaination. Nothing. Blocked me from his phone and social media. We have a few conversations here and there. But he was never clear on what he wanted. He messed with my head. Back and forth. Now he has moved on to someone else. And I'm devastated. I sit here everyday wondering how he could do this to me. We have been together off and on 22 years. More than half of both of our lives. He just took off. I know he's back on the streets. Doing the same things as before. He has already been arrested twice in 4 months. I just don't know what to do. He won't talk to me. And I just wish I could get him to wake up. After everythi g we have been through and he gets free and runs. I'm so lost. I'm so hurt. I love him so much. And I'm so worried about him. I just don't know what to do.
He won't change, he's still getting arrested?? Worry about You and your son. Some men are cold hearted, you deserve better. He's moved on.. so should u, mine did after 9 years of marriage, he gets out, files for divorce and goes back to his ex of 23 yrs?? .. so I know how you feel, I'm not bitter, but I am better
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Old 12-11-2017, 12:57 AM
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Hearing this is heartbreaking!! I am so sorry for the pain he has caused you. It will take time..perhaps alot of time, but this to shall pass. Maybe you don't want to hear that right now...I understand that. But it will! He did not deserve you! To be there for a man for that amount of time and then for him to be a coward and bail on you, makes me so mad. I am truely sorry !!!
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Old 12-11-2017, 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Loved 19 View Post
So in July of this year my man got out after 17 years of being locked up. He moved in with me and our son. Things were rocky at first. But it was starting to smooth out. Then one night he packs up his stuff and leaves. While I was at work. No word. No explaination. Nothing. Blocked me from his phone and social media. We have a few conversations here and there. But he was never clear on what he wanted. He messed with my head. Back and forth. Now he has moved on to someone else. And I'm devastated. I sit here everyday wondering how he could do this to me. We have been together off and on 22 years. More than half of both of our lives. He just took off. I know he's back on the streets. Doing the same things as before. He has already been arrested twice in 4 months. I just don't know what to do. He won't talk to me. And I just wish I could get him to wake up. After everythi g we have been through and he gets free and runs. I'm so lost. I'm so hurt. I love him so much. And I'm so worried about him. I just don't know what to do.
Make an appointment with a therapist and make your son your priority. Obviously this man cannot make it on the outside. Is this what you want for your future and the future of your child? I know it is difficult to "just move on" when you have been with someone for the length of time you have, but you can. How much pain has he caused you all these years? If your daughter was to come to you with this situation, what would you say to her?

Again, get some help with a therapist and work through your feelings and emotions. He will sink and end up back in, so scream, punch pillows, cuss him out, and move on.
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Old 12-11-2017, 07:03 AM
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Thats a hard one. Im so sorry it didnt work out.
But actually glad for you that at least he moved out before starting his stupid stuff again while there with you.

Have your pity party and then pick yourself up and ........whats that phrase.......Keep swimming? Just keep on going.
Focus on yourself and your son.
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Old 12-11-2017, 10:09 AM
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I am very sorry this happened to you. I wish I had a good answer. All the responses you have received are spot-on. Beyond him just deciding to up and leave, which I know hurts, he also has shown that he has not truly learned his lesson from what happened.

You gave him 17 years of your life where he could not truly reciprocate. Many of us have been there. Some with happy endings. Some without. We take it on faith that our love is part of what heals them. When Dee was locked up, a lot of my friends questioned me, especially as they saw her struggle, ďhow do you know itís going to work when she gets out?Ē

And I said ďI donít. What I know is that I love this woman and I am going to give us a chance to build something amazing. If it doesnít work, I can rest easy knowing I gave my heart to someone and at the very least it helped ease their pain during a difficult time. If it doesnít work out, I will love again.Ē

I have been fortunate. A year post-release in less than a week and our relationship has only grown and strengthened in this time. Though I would be lying if I said it was easy. It hasnít been too difficult, but it certainly has had its moments. But what relationship doesnít have its ups and downs? I gave her my patience - she made the decision to stick with it. If she had walked away, well, thatís what happens. Iíd be sad. It would hurt. But I would have wished her peace and moved on.

You are clearly an incredibly loyal heart. You seek the good in people. I canít tell you how to get him to listen - he has to realize what he is doing himself and make the decision to change. But you do deserve to have someone in your life who reciprocates your love and devotion completely and fully. You have proved, in your life, the kind of woman that you are for your partner. You are going to mourn. You may always love and care for him on some level or another. You may also always be angry at him for how heís
impacted your life and your sonís life for his absence and poor prioritizing. You can do both.

But I truly hope you will find what you were looking for in him...with someone who actually has it in them. You more than deserve that.

I wish you peace.

-E
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Old 12-11-2017, 10:15 AM
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I have been in therapy. For about a month. It has helped some but I'm still just a mess. All I think about is what went wrong. I know it's only a matter of time before he tries to come back. He called me this morning asking me to rescue him. I told him no. But it was really hard to do.
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Old 12-11-2017, 11:13 AM
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I have been in therapy. For about a month. It has helped some but I'm still just a mess. All I think about is what went wrong. I know it's only a matter of time before he tries to come back. He called me this morning asking me to rescue him. I told him no. But it was really hard to do.
I can only imagine what you are going thru and it seems horrible. I sometimes forget all the BS I went thru with my husband mainly because he died, but now I wonder would we have stayed together? Someday's I think yes, other day's no way. We struggled a lot and mainly stuck together at times because I felt I owed him and he felt the same way that he owed me. Would that have gotten us thru the next 20 years? I doubt it. I now realize a lot of my mistakes I made with him have gotten me in the horrible financial position I am slowly digging my self out of and don't know if he would have ever gotten his shit together. I'm 55 years old and did 10 years of prison stuff with him and was faithful, he got cancer and died two months after getting released. So we had no way of knowing if this time he'd really changed, I had to. If I didn't I'd have been on the streets and continuing a vicious cycle of addiction, and all the bullshit that goes with it including the insaniety of our crazy relationship. I hope before you ever let him back in your life you get help!!!
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Old 12-11-2017, 11:34 AM
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I have been in therapy. For about a month. It has helped some but I'm still just a mess. All I think about is what went wrong. I know it's only a matter of time before he tries to come back. He called me this morning asking me to rescue him. I told him no. But it was really hard to do.
As hard as this might have been, good for you! Kudos!!
I'm actually at a loss for words but the others have been spot on. What you wrote plays towards my insecurities and it makes me think.
My situation is totally different (we are MWI) but all the "what if's" came up.

I wish you a lot of strength and give yourself time (to heal, to deal with everything and to take care of yourself and your child) and be strong. Strong and strict towards him because what he did is unforgivable. You held him down and then this? You are better than that!!
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Old 12-11-2017, 09:31 PM
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You are not going to get better until you want to get better. How did he contact you if you didn't open up your line of communication? Either you do or your don't.
This man of yours has shown you who he is and it is up to you to believe him and take control of your life or continue to blow smoke up your behind and pretend he is gonna change. You are faced with a very important decision for your future and your son's future. Wise up and get out and stay out. I am sincerely sorry you are going through this but you and only you can make the change.
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Old 12-11-2017, 09:57 PM
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He finds different numbers to call me from. I block them everytime he does this. I was able to say no to him which I was very proud of myself for doing. I am doing what I can but it's only been 2 months. I've done better than in the past where I would have chased him and ran anytime he called. It's so hard to do this. I do know I need to stay away from him. And that's what I'm trying to do. He always contacts me when he needs something.
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Old 12-11-2017, 10:30 PM
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Trust me if you stop being there for him when he falls he will quit calling. I think he is doing you a favor by staying away while he plays out his drama, addiction or whatever runs him to crazy town. I hope you continue therapy it's not easy it took me years to recover from traumas I had endured emotionally and physically but the fight was worth it. You owe it to yourself and your son to stay away from his destructive behavior. I used to say if I can't find a good man I'll raise one. Use your energy to teach your child right from wrong it's wrong to behave the way his father is so show your son by standing up to the ex. If he calls keep blocking. My ex made several accounts on fb trying to co fact me every time I would just block him period I didn't even entertain his sorry ass. They match on to some dumb chick soon enough and leave us alone lol you have a good heart be with someone who deserves you!
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Old 12-11-2017, 10:37 PM
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My son has grown into an amazing young man. He's a sophomore in college. Runs track and is a resident advisor. I raised him using his dad as an example of how not to be. He's such a respectful young man and has his mama's back always. Thank you everyone for the advice. I am doing what I know I have to do. It's like someone said I need to break my addiction to him and stop trying to fix him. He's too far gone.
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Old 12-12-2017, 03:03 PM
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I see you have waited all this time and I understand why people are telling you to run for the hills, but what is one more try, at least if you try and he really doesn't want to know, at least you can tell yourself you've tried and if he doesn't decide he wants you then your way too good for , you are anyway you can tell by how much you've stood by him but at least you can look back and say "you tired" men don't know what they have till it's gone. Do what it takes to find him. When you do tell him you adore him, you love him, he deserves to live a good life, and you want to live it with him. Even if your not together surely you want the best for him, if you can help him out without being in a relationship with him, then good on us girl!! Your quite a woman, fingers crossed for you, but look after number one!! All my love xxx
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Old 12-12-2017, 03:23 PM
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He finds different numbers to call me from. I block them everytime he does this. I was able to say no to him which I was very proud of myself for doing. I am doing what I can but it's only been 2 months. I've done better than in the past where I would have chased him and ran anytime he called. It's so hard to do this. I do know I need to stay away from him. And that's what I'm trying to do. He always contacts me when he needs something.
I no longer answer phone numbers that are not on my contact list. If it's a legit phone call, they will leave a message and I can call them back. May I suggest you do something similar so you don't even have to speak to him before blocking the latest phone number he's using? And good for putting yourself and your son first and going to therapy.
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Old 12-12-2017, 04:51 PM
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I can't try again. I want to but I will lose everyone else important in my life. My son especially. I can't just let him walk back into my life. He would have to do a lot of changing and I don't think he's capable of the changes I need from him to be in my life. No matter how much I'm hurting and just wishing he was back I can't give into him. I can't let him believe he can do whatever he wants to me and I will always be there.
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Old 12-12-2017, 05:54 PM
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Let him go and focus on yourself.
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Old 12-23-2017, 09:56 PM
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If I were you I’d change my phone number. No more blocking him.
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Old 12-24-2017, 05:19 PM
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I tell myself everyday that if he truly loved me he would be here with me. It's just the most painful thing to do. Let go. But I'm trying. I've blocked all numbers I know that are connected to him. And I have not tried to contact him in awhile. It's just so hard.

Chica, first a genuine cyber-hug for you this xmas eve. and now?I MUST say what i am about to say, sorry if blunt.However, i have to say it with care."

1.Stop fretting about this loser.
Worrying over him/about him when he can care less about you, as he is clearly NOT worrying an ounce about if you're dead or alive.
-
STOP the #worrying no need.He does not deserve for you to worry about him.It's hard for you because of 1 reason. You didn't see it coming at all. I said here before i keep ONE foot in, and 1 foot out. I always have something to fall back on in life, i.e. my career and good life, things i am doing to better me 24hours a day, that i already shared here for years i've been here, and this way i am not too hurt if my fiancee bff, did this wrong immature/selfish sh---t to me. I am so prepared and i learned how to because of what the past relations taught me, my parents, seeing them beautifully IN love still more than ever since 19, for sixty-one years. and God." So i am prepared just in case, and i will never EVER let a man get me to the point of where i have to write over here, "i am so badly devastated." But i know you're hurt,so just read and know i am here for you, pm me anytime.

-


2.)He is a jerk.
Let him miss you enough to realize WHO he lost. He will. Trust me. But right now he is a big selfish no good JERK. Simply stated. Here's a guy who has the most FANTASTIC woman in the world (for him)meant for him and he punk-out by leaving when you're at work?Just leaving you as if you'e nothing?He is the worst type of man.He just doesn't care and he is back doing what he "used to do.smh if i ever find out mine es back doing bad sh---t?I am strong enough finally after 2 bad relations to KNOW when to leave and not look back." Your ex-man, i am sure was a great guy "at one or two times in your lifetime,sure." HOLD ON for a minute the memories of happiness.That is fine. However, BOUNCE BACK and stand tall and strong and firm and trust your self that you ARE able to make it! You are stronger than the weak soul that HE is.

3.)He is a coward.HOW OLD IS HE? He is a weak son of a bish, who does not deserve any 1 like you in life, who has been there for him for so long. Move on. He is a coward,who did not care for you or your beautiful son, your life together.If so, trust me, he would be right there at this holiday moment with you. The man need psychological help and til' he realize it at HIS age, he will never change. He will continue to hurt u then call u up IF he get prison time and say, "I'm sorry.I only truly loved you." I pray to GOD you're seeing what has happened here clearly once you have had a good cry chica and realize WHO you are and when you do, you're going to move on, and be happier without him ever having the chance in life to do this again to you. PM me anytime u want. If i was near you, i would invite you out for a cool,nice relaxing(fun)
G.R.:smilegirl ride!)and help you insta-begin-to get over him. and just remember, when you know who YOU are, and what you deserve, you're going to realize each tear you cried has now pave the way to pick up the pieces of your crushed heart, and have it restored by a fantastic person 100x better than him, and that person is YOU, (til mr.right comes along)and your determination and sheer-will to be happy again,while trusting the lord to lead you down greener path. It is HIS loss.Not yours and his dose of bad-karma for the selfish POS will hit him sooner than later. Let him be and you're to start realizing you're better than this and you will get over him as time moves on and be happier knowing HE is now someone else's problem, not yours anymore. Hugs and blessings and may GOD bless you chica."
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Old 12-28-2017, 08:04 AM
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I'm afraid of this happening to me. I met a man while he was incarcerated. I have spent thousands of dollars on visits (His facility is 1,200 miles away from where I live) and commissary. He had 5 years of a 10 year sentence left when I met him. He gets released to a halfway house next year. He has spent only 6 months of his adult life free. He is 43 years old. It makes me nervous. Thank you for being honest enough to share your story. I am thinking maybe I should follow my gut instinct.
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Old 01-07-2018, 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Loved 19 View Post
I have been in therapy. For about a month. It has helped some but I'm still just a mess. All I think about is what went wrong. I know it's only a matter of time before he tries to come back. He called me this morning asking me to rescue him. I told him no.

But it was really hard to do.

GOOD to hear! Therapy i am a BIG part of... It has help me with so much en mi vida.(In my life.)

I know it's hard. That's our corazon.(our hearts making it so hard) chica, but, once the MIND, leads the way and NOT our heart, trust me, it will become easier chica for you... - I am glad you're telling him NO. Smart girl. Remember, it'll get easier, when you're applying your mind, to a situation that you're knowing is not really good for you, anymore."If meant to be, it'll be... Hugs -n- Blessings.Adios.
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Last edited by a.rare.love; 01-07-2018 at 06:52 PM..
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  #24  
Old 01-31-2018, 04:47 AM
Fredslady5 Fredslady5 is offline
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Change your number and move on, he can't love anyone until he loves himself... you can't save him
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  #25  
Old 05-26-2018, 09:37 PM
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Maya2007 Maya2007 is offline
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Default So sorry

You have invested your time with him off and on for 22 years. So sorry you are now going through with this. At least he should show you some gratitude you have done for him....
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