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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 02-06-2018, 11:02 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
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Default I backslid.

I posted in December that I was done, that I left him. But it only lasted a little more than a week. I started feeling guilty, like I was some how obligated to stand by him because he has absolutely no one else. And I didn't trust that he wouldn't find some way to retaliate. He left me so emotionally and mentally drained after I willingly lived on the streets with him for 10 months. I let him use me, make me do things I'm so ashamed of.

And I think about these things, and how he acted this way in past relationships. One way or another, this is how he treats his significant others. I tell myself it was just the drugs, that that one month he was sober everything was great. It wasn't. It changed nothing. He just wasn't verbally abusive. He still found ways to use me. And right now, he's sitting in prison, telling me he's choosing our daughter over drugs. But she's his 7th child. And he tells me all the time that he only used because his kids were taken away from him.. But that's not true, it's an excuse. He used well before his first child. He talks poorly of the mothers of his children. He talks poorly of his own mother at times. I'm done now. I can't do this to myself or our daughter.

He's on lockdown this week, so I'm taking this opportunity, as cowardly as it is, to send him a goodbye email over Jpay. I'm going to get rid of the Jpay and GTL phone account.
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Old 02-06-2018, 11:08 AM
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He's on lockdown this week, so I'm taking this opportunity, as cowardly as it is, to send him a goodbye email over Jpay. I'm going to get rid of the Jpay and GTL phone account.
I don't think it's cowardly, at all. Sometimes when we see an open door we have to run through it. It's self-preservation and it's providing stability for your little one. I'm proud of you for having the courage to do it.
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Old 02-06-2018, 01:34 PM
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I dont think you are a coward you are doing what you have to do to get away from a toxic relationship.
I hope you block all means of contact with him and move on now.You and your daughter deserve a peaceful and abuse free life.
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:54 PM
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Hi. Thanks for posting.
If you need to worry about your man "retaliating", leave.

Good luck and I wish you the best.
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Old 02-06-2018, 07:44 PM
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I posted in December that I was done, that I left him. But it only lasted a little more than a week. I started feeling guilty, like I was some how obligated to stand by him because he has absolutely no one else. And I didn't trust that he wouldn't find some way to retaliate. He left me so emotionally and mentally drained after I willingly lived on the streets with him for 10 months. I let him use me, make me do things I'm so ashamed of.

And I think about these things, and how he acted this way in past relationships. One way or another, this is how he treats his significant others. I tell myself it was just the drugs, that that one month he was sober everything was great. It wasn't. It changed nothing. He just wasn't verbally abusive. He still found ways to use me. And right now, he's sitting in prison, telling me he's choosing our daughter over drugs. But she's his 7th child. And he tells me all the time that he only used because his kids were taken away from him.. But that's not true, it's an excuse. He used well before his first child. He talks poorly of the mothers of his children. He talks poorly of his own mother at times. I'm done now. I can't do this to myself or our daughter.

He's on lockdown this week, so I'm taking this opportunity, as cowardly as it is, to send him a goodbye email over Jpay. I'm going to get rid of the Jpay and GTL phone account.
Hon, please stand strong. Sometimes people "don't have anyone else" for a REASON. Stay strong. Best of luck to you.
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Old 02-07-2018, 01:25 PM
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It isn't cowardice to do what you know is right.

Cowardice is to do what feels good at the moment, regardless of the long term implications. Cowardice is to satisfy your own needs without regards to your children. Cowardice is to allow someone to abuse you because it is easier than standing up for yourself.

Your first and foremost duty is to your child. I believe that you are well aware that there is no future with this guy, so put him in your past and move forward. Be brave and strong.

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Old 02-07-2018, 02:13 PM
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I woke up feeling immensely guilty for how I went about doing it. Valentine's Day is a week away, and while it means nothing to me, he's really into it. And I know he sent me a card (which I plan to toss in the trash right when it arrives). Everyone was right the last time I tried this, and y'all are right again.

This is the way I had to do it, and I have to stick with it. The only reason I didn't walk away sooner was because he had access to me. Before he was incarcerated, it was by following me around, shouting awful things about me until I stopped and agreed to go back with him (crazy how long I allowed that to happen...). And now, it's by sweet talking me and telling me how he's changed. How he'll never do drugs again and how he'll never take advantage of me again, that that was only because he was using. That we'll be such a great family. But I know none of it's true, and that I'm just scared of doing this alone.

But my daughter doesn't need someone like that in her life. I told him before she was born that he couldn't be in her life if he was using drugs. He took that as a threat, that I was threatening to take her away from him.. I should have walked away then.
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Old 02-07-2018, 02:41 PM
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You have no reason to feel guilty at all. If left to him where would your daughter be now? I'm sure he'd use anything to manipulate you don't talk, don't write, have no contact. When he gets out if he can prove he's drug free let him have supervised visitation thru a third party. Don't let him drag you down again.
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Old 02-07-2018, 04:04 PM
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You need to cut all contact with this man if can get to you he will try and persuade you to go back. Stay well away until you are strong enough to see him for the pitiful abuser he is.You and your daughter deserve to be free of him.
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Old 02-09-2018, 10:27 PM
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I'm having a real hard time tonight. I was almost asleep and out of no where I started thinking about how him and our daughter (who is 9 months old) would babble back and forth on the phone sometimes. And I'm having a hard time telling myself that I'm doing the right thing. I know that I am, but I feel like I just ripped one of the only things he had left away from him. God.. I know y'all are right. I know he's bad for me. He pretty much wrecked my life. But I'm the one who feels like shit.
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Old 02-10-2018, 09:00 AM
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I'm having a real hard time tonight. I was almost asleep and out of no where I started thinking about how him and our daughter (who is 9 months old) would babble back and forth on the phone sometimes. And I'm having a hard time telling myself that I'm doing the right thing. I know that I am, but I feel like I just ripped one of the only things he had left away from him. God.. I know y'all are right. I know he's bad for me. He pretty much wrecked my life. But I'm the one who feels like shit.
This is not uncommon if it had been all bad you never would have been together in the first place. But you alone have to keep you and your daughter safe and secure if not happy oh you will be when your over the hard parts...
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Old 02-10-2018, 09:10 AM
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I understand it being super hard and you having second thoughts because being with him is what you are used to but you need to stay strong and put distance between you two. If he comes home and does what he says like he's going to be sober and such then that's a different story but that's only AFTER he has proved it! Words mean nothing if the action doesn't match. Keep your head up love and keep moving forward you got this !
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Old 02-10-2018, 12:35 PM
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Sending you strength! I think it's human nature....trying to hold on to the good times when your heart is still fighting the decision you made with your head...the decision you know is right. Just try to remember that with abuse the cycle continues even if there are brief good times in between...and both you and your little girl deserve a stable, calm life. Stay strong
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:41 PM
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Old 02-11-2018, 10:45 PM
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I'm having a real hard time tonight. I was almost asleep and out of no where I started thinking about how him and our daughter (who is 9 months old) would babble back and forth on the phone sometimes. And I'm having a hard time telling myself that I'm doing the right thing. I know that I am, but I feel like I just ripped one of the only things he had left away from him. God.. I know y'all are right. I know he's bad for me. He pretty much wrecked my life. But I'm the one who feels like shit.

Just remember that you aren't responsible for his behavior; not the behavior that got him into prison or the behavior that made you need to leave. Those are his own doing. And the odds are very, very good that the only reason he's got no-one else left in his life is that he's a rank bastard. That doesn't require you to stay, just to make up for his appalling character.
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Old 02-12-2018, 11:57 PM
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You don't have to send him a message you are done ..drugs seem to be an issue and as long as you keep going back he'll never get himself together.. you both have to go cold turkey!! Know your worth, God has so.much more for you!!
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Old 02-13-2018, 12:41 AM
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I will only say this, maybe someone has already said it, I don't know, I haven't read all the replies. But here is my only advice. If you allow this man to be in your life and continue this way she will see it and believe it is perfectly acceptable. Daughters tend to gravitate toward men like their fathers. Would you want your daughter to endure what you have endured? Do you ever want her to feel obligated to be with a man who treats her the way her father treaTs you? Would it not rip your heArt out?
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Old 02-13-2018, 08:19 PM
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I will only say this, maybe someone has already said it, I don't know, I haven't read all the replies. But here is my only advice. If you allow this man to be in your life and continue this way she will see it and believe it is perfectly acceptable. Daughters tend to gravitate toward men like their fathers. Would you want your daughter to endure what you have endured? Do you ever want her to feel obligated to be with a man who treats her the way her father treaTs you? Would it not rip your heArt out?
I would be absolutely devastated. I've been fighting the urge to get back on JPAY real hard today, but reading this one right here.. I never want that for my daughter.

I come back and read this thread almost every single day just to keep up my resolve. I know eventually it will get easier, but man this first week was hard.

Thank you, everyone, for all of the support.
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:17 PM
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Old 02-15-2018, 06:54 AM
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Hang in there ..you are doing the right thing and it will get easier. You and your little girl deserve better than this and he has a crap load of work to do by himself on himself before he can ever be a supportive partner and you need to keep moving forward without him ..he may never do the work or see the light and you cannot save or fix him . Believe me when I say I am speaking with the voice of experience here because I've wasted too much time in this life trying to fix broken people who didn't want to be fixed. Many of The women who have spoken to you here have been in a similar place and their hopes for you are that you stay strong ( and you are being strong ) and that you and your baby have a great life. Thus man in my opinion will never allow that to happen..it will always be heartbreak and you making all the concessions. It broke my heart when you posted you did things you were very ashamed of ..someone who puts you in that position does not love you. You are doing the right thing..keep walking away..there us a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old 02-17-2018, 09:48 PM
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Hola.hi Rigora..
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Chica, i am also proud you're saying ADIOS to him. That takes courage/not being a coward at all.

Write him an email-letter, and or take 1 more call.
I see no harm in that.
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Remember:

A "coward"will not leave. She will remain in the same bad negative situation with the man she is in, due to being afraid to be on her own again or to be without "him."But, a #RealWoman a brave good soul, will leave premised on she is done. She truly has had enough and realized it was time to walk away with a shred of dignity she has left, and respect and LOVE herself more than to stay with a guy who is clearly either a.)dysfunctional/dangerous b.)no good for her or c.)IS NOT willing to do what is right in order to keep such a great woman like you,by his side to live a nice good positive wonderful blessed life."I AM PROUD of you and let us know how it goes.Good luck, keep ya head up and always keep GOD first, and this too shall hence, pass..."Hugs and Blessings."Adios.
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Old 02-28-2018, 12:42 PM
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I'm mulling over going to counseling. I'd like to be mentally and emotionally prepared for when he's released. He likes to play games and manipulate one of the mother's of his kids, and I don't want that happening to me as well. Speaking of her.. We've been friends on Facebook for a few months, but she's never actually messaged me until yesterday. She's all about drama and between her and his sister-in-law, a lot was said about me that wasn't true. So, I try to take what she says with a grain of salt, but she's just as bad when it comes to playing games.

She asked if we were still together, because she wanted to know "if the information she had received was true. She started telling me how he's laughed about me over the phone with her, and told her he was just using me and staying with me until he got out of jail. It meant nothing and he knew I'd do anything for him because I love him. It's been real hard not to add him back on Jpay and question him over all of this. But I'm holding strong, because true or not.. it doesn't matter anymore.
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Old 03-01-2018, 08:04 AM
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The last sentence says it all.
It does not matter anymore.

I'd lose the other gf too. Unfriend or whatever you call it. If she messages you I'd just ignore it.
Might be best to not even read it.

As to counseling?
YES. Good idea!!!
Really good idea.
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Old 03-04-2018, 12:48 AM
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You can't worry about the others around you. Just yourself and your daughter.

If he wants to be a father then he'll need to step up and show it. And treat you halfway decent as the mother of his child in the process. And, hopefully, contribute something other than DNA.

It's easy to say "I'm walking away." Human emotion makes it much harder to actually do it. But by being able to talk about it and process it, you're already much further along than a lot of people.

You ultimately know what is right for you and for your child.

-E
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