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  #1  
Old 02-11-2019, 06:58 AM
dbd335 dbd335 is offline
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Friends...my son has been out of prison for almost 6 1/2 years. The last 5 have been a downward spiral. When he was released in 2012 he had 3 years of parole. At first it went really well. Then he got involved with a girl and almost at the same time began to relapse on his doc meth. I had told him I would not go down this road with him again but he upped the ante when she got pregnant and a baby had to be considered. She does not use drugs except by prescription. Several parole violations and another baby!! This past year he went off the deep end and went back to drugs "as a way to get away from her!"....I talked myself blue in the face and just like always he would not listen so I let it all go ...if he wanted to ruin his life there was not anything I could do to stop him. He got himself into several bad situations.... then he got arrested for a fairly minor situation..and called me....after talking to him a few times I decided I would post his bail (long story of how he was trying to establish some stability...blah blah blah) anyway I fell for it ..and lo and behold within the month he actually tried to steal a bobcat!!!! Now he is in really big trouble on top of the other issues he was already in trouble over that had not come to fruition.....I'm not as upset about the thought of him going back to prison as you might think....I'm at the point where I feel that prison might be the only place he will ever stay clean and where his children might have a Chance to know who he really is. I can't help but beat myself up for helping him get out....his mantra has been "I'm 35 years old I need to figure all this out myself!" I should have said you wanted to figure it out do it!!! But his conversation about making positive e efforts to get some stability overcame my better judgement.....
Anyway...I should have stayed here through all of this...to encourage and support all of you and to glean strength and support from you as well. I guess if I have one piece of advice at this point it is don't ever let your guard down because the temptations and attacks don't stop just because they get out.
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Old 02-11-2019, 07:41 AM
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Dont beat yourself up over it. Pretty sure we've all done similar things.
Glad your back. Sorry you need to be.
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Old 02-11-2019, 09:13 AM
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I agree, don't blame yourself for your son's actions. You did what you thought was best for him and his children, but the drugs or his love of the criminal life won out again.

He will have to be the one to decide to no longer follow that path, so I hope he is stronger than his cravings for drugs.
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Old 02-11-2019, 02:03 PM
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I'm so sorry this happened. We all want to see the best in our loved ones because that good is there. But addiction is one tough Master.

Just to clarify-- a bobcat as in the animal or the loader?? Either way...eek!
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Old 02-11-2019, 08:43 PM
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I'm so sorry this happened. We all want to see the best in our loved ones because that good is there. But addiction is one tough Master.

Just to clarify-- a bobcat as in the animal or the loader?? Either way...eek!
It was indeed a loader...but thank you for the laugh!
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Old 02-11-2019, 09:12 PM
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It was indeed a loader...but thank you for the laugh!
Haha! I didn't want to make light of a serious situation but I really did picture someone desperately trying to make off with a wild animal. :P
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Old 02-14-2019, 07:51 PM
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It was indeed a loader...but thank you for the laugh!
Yep, my son would get drunk or high and do this too. Idiot. There seems to be no rhyme or reason with some people. He also tells me that he needs to learn these things for himself but then begs to bailed out and given help with all sorts of things. Iím so glad the time for bail is in the past and that heís finally in a place where he canít get drugs (amazing, but true) and is fairly safe as long as he doesnít tick anyone off.

My husband has told me to prepare for the worst when he gets out because heíll likely end up in jail, dead in a drug deal, or killing himself. Weíve been through so much in his short life, and I have to admit that incarceration is actually better for me than sitting in a hospital watching him breathe and wondering if heís going to live. As much as I love my son, I need to try to harden my heart a little. I always expect the best instead of expecting the worst which has led me to be crushed repeatedly. I just donít know how to teach myself to expect the worst. Itís not in my nature.

Ugh. Sorry that Iím Debbie Downer tonight. Hang in there.
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Old 02-15-2019, 01:56 AM
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I have had the same problem Mama33...I want to believe so badly and trust that he will make better choices but I continually get burned.
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Old 02-15-2019, 05:57 AM
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My son has been in and out of trouble since about age 12 and at age 16 he was locked up for a violent crime. He’s 18 and is out now, I totally get that feeling of relief that you guys describe when he was finally sent down. I was obviously also terrified for him as unfortunately I spent 2 years inside at his age for a similar crime, so I knew what things were going to be like for him. He has a very short fuse (as I did at his age) but he managed to avoid getting shanked by some gang member or other. He’s on probation (what we call parole) now, but has broken his terms a few times, he’s just been lucky not to get caught. He’s trying to turn things around but just seems to have no self control.

I feel incredibly guilty that my son followed in my footsteps, I of all people should’ve been able to prevent it. To top it all off my wife has just been sent down for whacking a guy over the head with a bottle in the pub after he basically molested her. I can’t believe all three of us are now violent criminals. It just doesn’t feel real.
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Old 02-17-2019, 01:09 AM
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My son has been in and out of trouble since about age 12 and at age 16 he was locked up for a violent crime. Heís 18 and is out now, I totally get that feeling of relief that you guys describe when he was finally sent down. I was obviously also terrified for him as unfortunately I spent 2 years inside at his age for a similar crime, so I knew what things were going to be like for him. He has a very short fuse (as I did at his age) but he managed to avoid getting shanked by some gang member or other. Heís on probation (what we call parole) now, but has broken his terms a few times, heís just been lucky not to get caught. Heís trying to turn things around but just seems to have no self control.

I feel incredibly guilty that my son followed in my footsteps, I of all people shouldíve been able to prevent it. To top it all off my wife has just been sent down for whacking a guy over the head with a bottle in the pub after he basically molested her. I canít believe all three of us are now violent criminals. It just doesnít feel real.
You are not at fault for your sonís actions. Sometimes thereís just no preventing it. Some people, like my son, have to learn from experience (if they ever do.) Iím so sorry to hear about your wife. I hope you and your son are handling that ok. I totally understand that it doesnít feel real. I feel the same way. I canít believe this is my life.
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Old 02-17-2019, 06:18 AM
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Haha! I didn't want to make light of a serious situation but I really did picture someone desperately trying to make off with a wild animal. :P
So did I.
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Old 02-17-2019, 06:39 AM
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I can completely relate to the post that started this thread and the comments made in reply. I was relieved when my son was arrested this last time. Relieved he was alive and relieved I didn't have to wonder where he was. I was relieved he went to prison, as well as being scared for him. Then I learned how much drugs there were available in prison. It was another 9 months before he quit using and stayed clean. I am hopeful that now having been sober and clean for over 5 years he won't backslide. I also recognize how many new stresses he will be dealing with. While drugs are all around him and he chooses not to use in prison, life on the outside will be an uncontrolled environment. As parents, we don't have any control over what will happen.

My son has been in trouble since junior high. Kicked out of school which contributed to my decision to move to another state. Kicked out again and I sent him to live with his grandmother who turned him over to his dad, but at least he finished that school year and then came back home to live with me. Then in high school kicked out again and we had to homeschool him for a semester. He had run away and it took us a month to catch him. The police gave him the choice of juvenile jail or he agree to me putting him in a treatment center. We chose the latter, and had months of counseling and various drugs for bipolar, ADD, oppositional defiance disorder. That resulted in an IEP plan so the school had to let him back in. We agreed he live with his sister for his senior year and I moved back to Arizona. He went from being a year behind to finishing a semester early. Then his sister kicked him out when she found him using in her apartment.

During those years, from 12 onward, there were various underage drinking tickets and similar citations. Then when he was 21 he and his girlfriend were getting prescriptions illegally. He pled to party to a crime, a class 6 felony, and my former boss (attorney) got him a sweet deal where it would all go away if he stayed clean and followed the probation rules for 3 years. He moved back to AZ to live with me and 8 months later was in jail facing 25 years or more. He took a plea and was sentenced to 8 years.

But, despite all of it, I do believe in his ability to succeed. I know he doesn't want to be an addict, he doesn't want to live the life he was living, he didn't want to be living that life before he went in but he had given up on life being any different and didn't have any patience to wait for things to change. I think as parents we all want to believe they have changed, that this time will be different. We keep trying because we want them to be better. We keep putting out a helping hand, because we don't know what else to do. I think we have all been on that rollercoaster ride and it feels like it never slows down enough for us to breathe. We love them - they are our children. We do the best we can with what we have and hope this time when we put out our hand to help it will be different.

Here is where I am now. I think they need us to believe in them. Knowing someone believes you can succeed gives a person the strength to believe in themselves when things aren't going well. Self-doubt is debilitating. But, there is a difference, a line, between believing in someone and believing someone. That word "in" makes the difference. This time I will not believe in lies or evasions or excuses. If he chooses to get back on that rollercoaster, he will do so alone.

Last edited by lizlizzie2; 02-17-2019 at 06:55 AM..
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Old 02-17-2019, 12:52 PM
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You are not at fault for your sonís actions. Sometimes thereís just no preventing it. Some people, like my son, have to learn from experience (if they ever do.) Iím so sorry to hear about your wife. I hope you and your son are handling that ok. I totally understand that it doesnít feel real. I feel the same way. I canít believe this is my life.
I worry that my wife being locked up is going to set a further bad example for him and normalise violent behaviour even further in his mind. The first thing he said when I saw him after being arrested was how could his dad lecture him when I assaulted a police officer at his age too. There was literally nothing I could say to that without sounding hypocritical. Itís very difficult to try and let him know the error of his ways when Iíve previously done almost all of the stupid things heís done growing up. Heís built like a New Zealand rugby player too and just doesnít know his own strength, Iíve lost count of the number of times heís tried to beat me up or Iíve had to hold him down to stop him hurting himself. He was diagnosed with oppositional-defiant disorder, but having a label doesnít make it any easier.

I know it sounds like I donít believe in him, but Iím fully expecting him to end up behind bars again, from the way he is currently going and the people he associates with. I myself spent most of his childhood repeating my same behaviour. Iím ashamed to say I was actually locked in a police cell the night he was born, how terrible is that? As I said it was only my foster parents that got me straight. However they were law abiding and respectable, whereas my son has two violent offenders for parents.
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Old 02-18-2019, 07:44 AM
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JakeW
I'll repeat what I said above. Dont beat yourself up over it. You messed up, and paid the price. You dont mess up any longer. Your son throwing that into your face is just an excuse for him to shift blame for HIS actions. He is responsible for his own behavior, not you. Not your wife. HE is.
There is nothing you can do about your past.



To the op.
An addict is always an addict. They are one *fix* away from becoming active in their addiction again. Does not matter if its been 20 yrs. If they go back just once more....I think its rare to not get right back on the addiction horse after *slipping up just once more for old times sake*
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Old 02-18-2019, 10:41 AM
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Yes, I think guilt maybe just part of being a parent and it’s just a special type of guilt if you’ve got a child who’s done or is doing time.

He doesn’t seem to respond to my boundaries either. He does zero around the house and doesn’t contribute financially even though he has a construction job. I don’t want him to decide he’s going to move out though if I push him too far. I know this is the exact opposite of the advice I’ve given to others previously, but it turns out setting boundaries is a lot more difficult than it looks.
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Old 02-21-2019, 05:32 AM
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Just an fyi, the JakeW account has been banned. He may or may not be truthful in what he's saying on the boards but was part of a hoax.


Thanks to those who offered support anyways.


Now back to the dbd335 and her situation.
I am so sorry and I can understand your situation.
My son has been on a similar path. He not only screwed up his own life, but managed to create two babies with two different women.
One child Ive never met but I do get photos of the baby. The other child I am blessed in that I do get to see him from time to time and am a small part of his life.
His mom is now clean and sober. The other child was adopted by a family member of the mother and is doing well.

So there is that.


I hope you are able to have contact with the children (if you want that)
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:13 AM
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Yes, I think guilt maybe just part of being a parent and itís just a special type of guilt if youíve got a child whoís done or is doing time.

He doesnít seem to respond to my boundaries either. He does zero around the house and doesnít contribute financially even though he has a construction job. I donít want him to decide heís going to move out though if I push him too far. I know this is the exact opposite of the advice Iíve given to others previously, but it turns out setting boundaries is a lot more difficult than it looks.
Just make sure that you know what enabling looks like and that you arenít doing it. My husband and I have actually read books on the subject because we were warned by young men in our sonís AA groups not to do it. Because he only recently turned 18, we were required by law to provide a home, food, and clothing for him (we checked into it) even though we could see that by doing that we were enabling his drug and alcohol use. We had no choice but to provide for him. Now that heís over 18, heís going to need to provide for himself and hopefully (I pray) he wonít have any extra money (or the desire) to spend anything on drugs or alcohol.

He says that he sees his reason for living now and that he wants to work hard to get an apartment for himself and stay clean. Heís also decided to stop his medication. This scares me so much because heís attempted suicide and almost didnít survive. Now heís been clean for months in jail and may actually be thinking straight for the first time in years. Of course, the outcome remains to be seen, but hearing this gives me hope that I havenít had in years. I donít want to get my hopes up because theyíve been dashed so often, but theyíre up.
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Old 02-23-2019, 08:08 PM
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Just make sure that you know what enabling looks like and that you arenít doing it. My husband and I have actually read books on the subject because we were warned by young men in our sonís AA groups not to do it. Because he only recently turned 18, we were required by law to provide a home, food, and clothing for him (we checked into it) even though we could see that by doing that we were enabling his drug and alcohol use. We had no choice but to provide for him. Now that heís over 18, heís going to need to provide for himself and hopefully (I pray) he wonít have any extra money (or the desire) to spend anything on drugs or alcohol.

He says that he sees his reason for living now and that he wants to work hard to get an apartment for himself and stay clean. Heís also decided to stop his medication. This scares me so much because heís attempted suicide and almost didnít survive. Now heís been clean for months in jail and may actually be thinking straight for the first time in years. Of course, the outcome remains to be seen, but hearing this gives me hope that I havenít had in years. I donít want to get my hopes up because theyíve been dashed so often, but theyíre up.
I am sincerely sorry you are dealing with this. Let me just say, I have been manipulated exactly the same way as your son. My hopes have been up time and time again.

My advice is that as a mother, as long as he is alive there is hope. Keep up your guard for patterns of manipulation. Many addicts say what they think you want to hear.

Hugs....
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Old 02-26-2019, 04:42 AM
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Dear friends
I have been coming back to read comments. You are all so supportive and u understanding. I pray for all who are carrying the burdens of our children's decisions (myself included). I do not know how things will turn out but as of now my son is in custody (he did turn himself in). I'm still a bit numb. Blessings to you all.
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