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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 02-17-2019, 01:08 PM
brhi brhi is offline
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Default Boyfriend Cheated on Me While High

Hi Everyone,
My boyfriend and I have been together since high school. We are now in our late thirties. He has always struggled with substance abuse issues, and a little over a year ago, he moved out of state to get away from the temptations he was facing here. Things were going well for a few months, but then (as Iím finding out now), he got addicted to meth and our relationship became extremely distant. I suspected he started using (never suspected meth though.) Heís been arrested a few times for it now, and is currently in county. He just admitted to me that he cheated on me, approximately 5 times with the same girl in a drug-fueled haze. She apparently thought of them as being in some sort of relationship, but he didnít. I suspected as much, but it hurts so much to hear it. I appreciate him finally being honest with me, but again, it hurts more than I ever imagined to hear him confess. It makes me sick to think of him high out of his mind and having sex with another woman. Iím so incredibly hurt and at a loss for words. I could just really use some support right now.
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Old 02-17-2019, 01:40 PM
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Hi welcome to PTO. I am sorry to hear of your situation. I can imagine the pain you are in. You are in a relationship with an addict and its going to be a tough roller coaster. Until he is clean you wont be his priority. His priority will be the drugs and being around those who share his addiction.
You will have to let him hit his rock bottom before he realizes that he needs to accept help and work on his choices and lifestyle.
You need to ask yourself if you want to stick around as I fear this isn't the only pain you will endure if you stick around.
Good luck and sending you hugs
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Old 02-17-2019, 06:41 PM
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Here's the very best support I can offer you - LET HIM GO! You've struggled with the monstrosity of addiction for well over a decade and you have won nothing. You never will, unless he decides it's his time to be sober. But you've hoped for that for every day of that decade, and you've been wrong every day. Grab up what bits and pieces you've got lying around from your shattered life and move forward! Get clear of his trail and start finding a joy that has YOUR name on it.
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Old 02-18-2019, 12:00 AM
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I’m so sorry. Drugs are a monster - they turn our loved ones into monsters that cause nothing but pain.

I wish I had something to offer other than my empathy, but I don’t. As long as he continues to use, he’ll continue to cause pain.

I hope you’re able to find some healing.
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Old 02-18-2019, 03:31 AM
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Welcome to Prison Talk. I'm sorry that his addiction has caused you so much grief. Stay strong and do what is best for you.
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Old 02-18-2019, 09:34 AM
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I don't mean to be rude or not understanding, cheating is an absolute no-go for me, high or not high. Lame excuse if you'd ask me.
I hope you have left him.
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Old 02-18-2019, 10:38 AM
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Its never easy to let someone go. Especially someone you've spent awhile with. You're on one end loving him and he's on the other loving himself. He's not thinking of your relationship while using.

Now that he's in county, hopefully clean, hes probably thinking with a clear head and that's why hes just now telling you. Maybe now its all coming to him and the least he can give you is the truth from himself but still doesn't justify what he did.

How many times has he caused you pain over this? Do you want to continue to feel that way? Cause you can hold on to the "what if he gets clean" but at the same time be real with yourself and don't question it. If any bit of you thinks he will fall into using again, leave for the sake of YOUR heart.
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Old 02-18-2019, 06:24 PM
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I'm going to point out a pattern here.


You've been together since high school and you're now in your late 30's.


Unless you're both extreme non-committallists of some sort (unlikely since you're bothered by him cheating,) there seems to be some sort of failure within the relationship going on that goes far beyond substance abuse.


Honestly I'd take a look at the entire context of the relationship. Not just the recent substance abuse issue and not just the cheating. What are you really getting out of it?
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Old 02-20-2019, 12:13 AM
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If she thought they were in some kind of relationship it’s probably because he led her to believe they were, and he’s trying to minimize it now, and be the remorseful, yet somewhat the victim.
You don’t need that—- do what you can to get away from him; I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you love, but if you can take some time away from him to clesr your head then you can probably make a decision that works best for you.

And DO NOT feel bad for him, don’t let him play on your kindness and emotions because he’s in jail after getting high and cheating on you.
I notice that I often feel bad for other people when they’ve mistreated me, because they always have some down on their luck story that they caused themselves, yet I’m the one who ends up feeling guilty and bad for abandoning them—- don’t be like me lol.

Best wishes
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Old 02-20-2019, 04:17 AM
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im sorry about what happened. The only thing that you need to do is Pray and Move forward
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Old 02-21-2019, 03:07 PM
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Default Tough One.

Hi,

First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. I've been there, and I know how it feels.
My fiance was awaiting sentencing on a probation violation and could've gotten some serious time when I discovered he cheated on me two months prior. Let me tell you, I was sick to my stomach the first week after confronting him.
This will NOT be easy. It will be such a hard thing to do. I was faced with a decision on whether or not I was going to stay and try to forgive him, or if I was going to leave. No matter how apologetic he was, how many times I heard him cry and apologize for the mistake... the pain felt intolerable. All I can tell you is what my mother told me. "You have to decide if the love you have for him is bigger than any mistakes he's going to make. You have to decide YOURSELF if the good times and the love and connection between you both is BIGGER than any wrongdoings." It took me a little less than a month after my mom said that, and many nights spent arguing and crying and trying to understand why this was happening to decide that the love I have for my fiance is more than the mistake. & while I still struggle sometimes, if your boyfriend is making his efforts to make things better, and you really do love him, you'll be able to push through it. Communication is key.
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:24 PM
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What’s a little different here, for me, is that he volunteered the info; I’m wondering why he did that. He didn’t have to; it’s not like he was caught, at least that’s what I got from reading the OP’s initial post.
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Old 02-22-2019, 12:36 AM
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First of all, you've been together almost 20 years and there's been no proposal, no marriage, nothing more than "boyfriend"?

This isn't going anywhere.

You've supported and enabled him in a drug habit for years (even if you didn't actively give him money you also didn't kick him to the curb and leave him.)

I find it hard to believe that he left your state to get away from the temptation- the temptation to use is EVERYWHERE if you're an addict. No, he left your state because somehow, somewhere, even if it was just on the Internet, he met this girl he ended up cheating on you with. End of. You don't drop everything and move out of state when you have a long term partner when you haven't met someone else you'd rather be with, even in in a non-committal fashion.

He does not value you. He never has, if he had, he would have proposed by now. He would have said "Hey, WE need to move so that I'm not surrounded by all this temptation." But he moved ALONE.

I hate to be crass, but dump his sorry ass.
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Old 02-22-2019, 08:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna7 View Post
Whatís a little different here, for me, is that he volunteered the info; Iím wondering why he did that. He didnít have to; itís not like he was caught, at least thatís what I got from reading the OPís initial post.
Exactly. And he cheated at least five times with this girl he confessed about so that's not a mistake anymore. Well, in my opinion cheating is always a choice, a bad choice - mistake is something you do in error, by accident...

However, of course everyone needs to decide for themselves. I'm one of those people who will end a relationship if I get cheated on, even if just once - but I understand not everyone is the same
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Old 02-22-2019, 10:59 PM
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Whatís a little different here, for me, is that he volunteered the info; Iím wondering why he did that. He didnít have to; itís not like he was caught, at least thatís what I got from reading the OPís initial post.
I donít know, emotional manipulation? In politics I believe they call it ďgettingahead of the crisis.Ē It doesnít make what he did any better or mean she should be any less hurt.
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Old 02-23-2019, 10:45 PM
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im sorry about what happened. The only thing that you need to do is Pray and Move forward
how do u know that she believe in whatever religion you do, to push about she needs to "Pray"?
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Old 02-23-2019, 11:37 PM
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They are human and cam still feel remorse for what they did. At the now moment, he feels guilty. He didn't when he did it over and over. There is a clearing that comes over them when the drug have is gone, but that is not to say it won't come back.

Before you take any chance, he has to be clean and sober for a long time. Get tested too. You never know what he did and who he did it with.

No one can tell you what to do, but at the end of the day you have the ball in your court. Be very wary of giving your heart away again. Yes he came clean, but is it enough for him to really get his act together. Only time tells that.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brhi View Post
Hi Everyone,


He just admitted to me that he cheated on me, approximately 5 times


I could just really use some support right now.
That is a real shame, almost half of dozen times.. just cheatin' like that, smh


I will be blunt with respect as i am this way toward all here at PTO, and i respectfully am going to tell you how i feel. I feel there is no excuse to be a no good cheater. (Women and Men) and i mean that. I do not and nor will i ever have the patience to try to "understand a man cheatin' high or not when he clearly know what he has." That's how i feel... I think it is the most cruel, the most heartless thing, a man or woman can do when they claim to be not only loving you, but "in" love to you, and respect you...
I feel men who cheat and women risk std's, to bring it home to some 1 else who they are supposedly um loving and respecting, and do not care or say i "slipped up."or "i used a condom excuse." I have no respect for those who do it."
-

I am here chica, and reading what you're citing, but i have to say and will share it in 2 languages esta noche(tonight)and that es chica, to simply:
No mŠs de este lŪo ... No mas(no more)of this mess.


Til' you're truly finished with suffering, being hurt, let down, realize what is going on here, you're going to always be going through what you are going through chica, but if you're ever needing real support, and want to PM me, feel free...I wish u best of luck but as i highlight in bright red font color and that is whether he was INTO or "in" some other, another, behind your back five x or 1 time, whether on drugs, alcoholic or "sober-cheating"it is still 1 big mess and that mess is called CHEATING.
Simply put:
-Let him do some damn soul-searchin' for what and who he really want, and let him prove himself to you, if you're going to take him back or still with the cheat."
-Do not allow him to say some weak excuse and or "i was high and or i am so sorry, you're my "everything,and i am "in love with ONLY you, blah blah blah."

-Know your worth chica. It's not too late. #knowyourworth and do not rush and get back with him at all, til he mature and get his entire life together because it is the worst thing a person can do then make excuses later because him on "drugs" is no excuse, and i would not take him back, at all. I just wouldn't but i can't make you not do that, just leaving info for you to make an informed decision and hopefull the right one.
-

Love yourself, first and foremost. Maybe do some soul-searching yourself, for which shall lead you to realize you're better than what he is doing to you by cheating on you not 1x,(bad enough) but multiple times, without any consideration nor care about how this will make you feel while he is screwing some 1 who is not his woman, the woman he is supposedly IN love with, and want to share his entire life with... Do some soul searching yourself,
, and realize you're deserving better + not settle." I pray you're going to make the right, and or at least the best decision for you. Adios. hugs blessings i am sending your way tonight, adios.
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Last edited by a.rare.love; 02-28-2019 at 08:37 PM..
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Old 03-19-2019, 11:13 AM
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I'd be more upset about the getting high part. I'd be upset about both obviously. But the way I see it is that another woman might steal my man for the night or a few nights, but drugs steal people forever. Drugs absolutely ruin lives in every way imaginable. They ruin all relationships, ruin you financially, ruin your body- aging you, getting diseases from bad choices, I mean a loved one on drugs is just ruined. Do people on drugs sometimes change back and get better? Yeah, but not after destroying all the lives around them. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm suprised you're so focused on the cheating part. If I found out my husband did drugs I would treat it like a death, I'd be absolutely devastated that he chose something like that over me and I'd move on. Him cheating on me with another woman? That I could work through if he was very remorseful with counseling and the knowledge that he'll never find someone better than me.
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Old 03-20-2019, 08:25 PM
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Quote:
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Hi Everyone,
My boyfriend and I have been together since high school. We are now in our late thirties. He has always struggled with substance abuse issues, and a little over a year ago, he moved out of state to get away from the temptations he was facing here. Things were going well for a few months, but then (as Iím finding out now), he got addicted to meth and our relationship became extremely distant. I suspected he started using (never suspected meth though.) Heís been arrested a few times for it now, and is currently in county. He just admitted to me that he cheated on me, approximately 5 times with the same girl in a drug-fueled haze. She apparently thought of them as being in some sort of relationship, but he didnít. I suspected as much, but it hurts so much to hear it. I appreciate him finally being honest with me, but again, it hurts more than I ever imagined to hear him confess. It makes me sick to think of him high out of his mind and having sex with another woman. Iím so incredibly hurt and at a loss for words. I could just really use some support right now.
I'm sorry that your going through this hurtful pain and situation. First and foremost I would be more highly upset with him using drugs!!!!!! Drug use comes with a lot of problems that can lead to loads of problematic consequences. Personally I'd wouldn't stay in this relationship with him at all, with his drug addiction. He cheated on you 5 times and he's going to continue to cheat on you while using. If he can cheat on you while on drugs then he can cheat on you when he's not using as well. I'd wouldn't put up with that at all the drug addiction or the cheating. It's hurting you that he's doing this to you. If you stay in this relationship while this still happening, your going to end up seriously hurt or even worse. He's cheating and using drugs the two comes with loads of consequences. The ending is never good when someone is using drugs and also cheating on their partner. He's killing himself while being on drugs and also hurting you in the process by cheating on you and using drugs.

My ex I was with since high school had a drinking problem that led to him cheating on me loads of times. He didn't only do it while intoxicated but as well when he was sober. It killed me when he told me or when I had to ask him about it. I'd thought I could "change" him and make him see I was this good woman to him/etc. But in reality I couldn't "change" him at all. I'd stayed because of me thinking like that...also thinking we could fix it! But it wasn't no such thing of fixing it at all. Once he cheated he wasn't going to stop cheating and it was no reason to even try to fix anything with him no longer. Sorry was played out for me..he said it way too often and didn't truly mean it. The damage was pretty much done...it wasn't no way of getting around it even if he had sober up for good. Still he cheated and to me that's disrespectful on so many levels for me. I had broke it off with him in my early 20's and never looked back on what I had to do for me. He didn't deserve me and I had to know what my true worth was and he wasn't worthy of it at all. I'm in my 30's now and I'm glad I had gotten out of that situation all together. It wasn't worth it for me to stay to fix it and it surely wasn't worth me taking him back after every time he cheated and said sorry/I'll never do it again...I'd love you. He wanted his cake and eat it too! It doesn't work like that for me.

You'll have to be strong and know whats truly best for you. Ask yourself is it worth going through all of this? Know your worth and do whats best for you and only you. You can do better and you deserve better in general.
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