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  #1  
Old 07-22-2006, 08:53 PM
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Default How do you handle it when your family doesn't support your prison relationship?

My boyfriend will be home in less than two weeks. We have been together on and off for over 11 years. We have three children together. My family really doesn't support my relationship. They really just want me to move on.

It has taken quite awhile, but I have learned to just keep my relationship private. I don't talk about what goes on with him or us because I know I won't get a positive response.

I told my mom that when he comes home, I am not going to be around and I don't want to talk to them for awhile. I just want us to figure things out on our own without all the negative energy that they bring. My dad says that he wants to talk about this because he is very "concerned" about me isolating away from my family.

I love my family very much. The kids and I could not have made it during these last 6 years without them. They really look out for me and the kids, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable and hurt by the fact that they won't accept my relationship.
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Old 07-22-2006, 08:57 PM
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i think, in time, with proof he can be a "good guy" in the free work,
it will work out and he will become one of the family. your family must be concerned for some logical reason. has he treated you poorly on and off during the last 11 years?
if he treats you badly this time, walk away from him. but hopefully, he'll treat you like the queen you are and your family will grow to understand why you love him and they will accept him.
if he's a jerk, choose your family over him for sure. always choose family over a guy who mistreats you. i imagine you'll be very happy and everything will be fine so no need to even stress right now. just be patient. anyway, it's your life. sometimes we have to keep sides of families separated. hopefully you will be able to integrate yours in the future. they have been a great support to you. DO NOT alienate them. make sure the kids keep on seeing the family even if you take a short time out.
good luck. keep the faith. be happy. congratulations on your man coming home.

Last edited by JJsPenPal; 07-22-2006 at 09:18 PM..
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:04 PM
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I think that's a good idea that you came up with because it is probably the only way to find out for sure. I guess you could just reassure your Dad that you will check in everyday (phone call) just to let him know you are ok.
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:08 PM
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Honey, he is your family. Dont lose touch with you Mom and Dad, and love them like there will be no tomorrow. But take care of your family which is you, your husband, and your children.
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tweetwashington
I don't talk about what goes on with him or us because I know I won't get a positive response.

I just want us to figure things out on our own without all the negative energy that they bring. My dad says that he wants to talk about this because he is very "concerned" about me isolating away from my family.

I love my family very much. The kids and I could not have made it during these last 6 years without them. They really look out for me and the kids, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable and hurt by the fact that they won't accept my relationship.
They have helped you and the kids for the last 6 years but don't accept your relationship. Is your dad wanting to talk about the situation out of concern, or does he have different intentions...like telling you all the reasons why you should not be with him?

You are smart not talking about your relationship with others and keeping things private.

I'm sorry they are not supportive and wish things could be different, however, that is why there are so many of us on PTO...support.
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa_2006
Honey, he is your family. Dont lose touch with you Mom and Dad, and love them like there will be no tomorrow. But take care of your family which is you, your husband, and your children.
Thank you very much. It has taken me so many years, but I think I am finally getting to that point. Part of the problems that we have had in the past is that I have let my family influence me and interfere in my relationship. But I realize that if I am going to be with him, then I need to be with him and let him know that I am in this relationship 100% no matter what my family says.

Last edited by tweetwashington; 07-22-2006 at 09:29 PM..
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tweetwashington
Thank you very much. It has taken me so many years, but I think I am finally getting to that point. Part of the problems that we have had in the past is that I have let my family influence me and interfere in my relationship. But I realize that I am going to be with him, then I need to be with him and let him know that I am in this relationship 100% no matter what my family says.
I think you are making a wise decision! GOOD LUCK SWEETIE!
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:34 PM
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Hi ms tweetwashington, I'm sorry your having all this trouble but I wouldnt go on a date with a guy that my family doesnt like and stuff, cause my family takes care of me help me with my homework, pay all the bill, talk to my teachers, drive my to gymnastics practice and all they want from me is that I have friends they like okay. Im sorry I don mean to be rude or anything
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:38 PM
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Lil Sis, What happened to the advice that you gave the other day about leaving your mother and father and cleaving to your wife? You are contradicting yourself now girl. Make up your mind! lol
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gymnastic Chick
Hi ms tweetwashington, I'm sorry your having all this trouble but I wouldnt go on a date with a guy that my family doesnt like and stuff, cause my family takes care of me help me with my homework, pay all the bill, talk to my teachers, drive my to gymnastics practice and all they want from me is that I have friends they like okay. Im sorry I don mean to be rude or anything
You're not being rude. I respect your opinion. The only problem that I see with this is that I am 32 years old. My family does help me a lot, but for the most part I take care of myself and my kids. I think that when you are a teenager and even a young adult, your family should have a huge say so in who you date and who you choose to hang out with. But as you get older and start paying our own bills and having kids of your own, then they should learn to trust your decisions and rely on your judgment.
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:54 PM
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I know exactly what your going through! I'm in a similar situation. My husband and I have been separated for almost 3 years before he went to prison. Since he's been in, we have decided to get back together. My mom and dad both are dead set against it.

We also have 3 children and they want daddy home. My mom tries to make me feel guilty , makes threats to me if I decide to take him back. But you know, she thinks that me being away from my husband is the best for me and that's what she wants. But it's not their decision, it's mine. I have let them influence me the past 3 years we have been separated and I have lived a lonely, miserable few years because I love my husband so much and wanted to be with him but I didn't because I thought I was keeping my family happy by not being with him.

I'm at the point now, that no matter what anyone says, we are gonna be together. My mom and dad will be mad for a while, but they will eventually get over it. I love them and I know they love me and if I'm happy, they'll will be okay with it EVENTUALLY.

Don't let anyone influence your decisons... follow what your HEART tells you!! and everything will work out!
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Old 07-22-2006, 09:58 PM
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Why don't they like him?
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  #13  
Old 07-22-2006, 10:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JJsPenPal
Why don't they like him?
JJPenPal - You got me there . He has done some really stupid things in the past that has caused them not to like him. Can't dispute that. But I still think that it boils down to them trusting me to make my own decisions. Part of what makes me so uncomfortable is that I understand where they are coming from. But this is still the man that I want to be with.
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:10 PM
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Were any of the things that he did, done to you? Are they afraid for you?
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:14 PM
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Well if it is anything like my family----nobody will ever be good enough for (their little girl) Im 30 now but still told what I should and should not do as if I were 15 again. Hold your head up high and love your husband and kids because that is a love that can never be replaced with your parents love.
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michela
Were any of the things that he did, done to you? Are they afraid for you?
Wow, you guys just keep coming with the good questions . No, he has never hurt me physically, but he has gotten me into a situation which was pretty bad.
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:21 PM
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good luck, woman.
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michela
Lil Sis, What happened to the advice that you gave the other day about leaving your mother and father and cleaving to your wife? You are contradicting yourself now girl. Make up your mind! lol
Hi ms Michela, that different cause she's more than twice my age and she has kids that are almos my age and she doesn have to bring that guy to her mom's and dad's house so they can't kick the crumbum out
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Old 07-22-2006, 10:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gymnastic Chick
Hi ms Michela, that different cause she's more than twice my age and she has kids that are almos my age and she doesn have to bring that guy to her mom's and dad's house so they can't kick the crumbum out
Let's say that some parents find it difficult to let go of their child when he/she flies the nest, Lil Sis. Social scientists refer to that as 'bracketing' or 'giving up.' To these parents I recommend a book titled, "Once my Child, Now my Friend." Some day you will be your parents' equal, Lil Sis, and you will be their friend rather than their child. Just look around you -- this is how nature works. Hugs.
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Old 07-23-2006, 01:26 AM
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In reading this I can totally understand your thoughts and feelings on this because I can relate completely. It is the crappiest feeling in the world when your family is unsupportive of your relationship. There were many times in my life where I ran this merry-go-round with my family, but I can honestly say today that most of them are very accepting so I'm very lucky

It wasn't always this way. I still have one sister who makes constant comments all the time who I choose not to speak to anymore about the situation. In my own experience....I used to run to my family all the time when I was in need of support. I would fill them in and tell them things that many people don't truly tell their family. And than I would be pissed at them every time they made a negative comment about our relationship. I didn't realize that I was making it their business by sharing so much

The first question I found myself asking when I read your thread is whether or not your family has been a major support system to you while he's been gone. And then I saw that they have been. If they cannot approve of your relationship that is fine....however, it may have some impact on how often they see you and I think you would be highly justified in letting them know that. At the same time, remember that they have been there for you during this hard time in your life. They have given you the support and love that you deserve and just want to see the best for you They don't want to lose you now that they have been seeing you so much!!!

Privacy is one thing...isolation is another. You are definitely going to need some time with your guy when he comes home and most likely are not going to want interruptions. No one needs any extra negativity in this time of readjustment. Keep in mind that you don't have to allow that to happen. Your family is emotionally attached....do your best not to use them when there are major pitfalls in your relationship....because they will more than likely get overly involved

I hope this helps a little bit. I feel like I could go on and on, but I don't want to take up everyone's space. Take care and good luck.
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Old 07-23-2006, 01:39 AM
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One other thing I had to add real quick Your relationship with your man is your relationship and that's all there is too it! I used to always try and get everyone to like my guy....I would always put him up on this pedestal to take away all the ugly information I had already given. It is very important for family and friends to like the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Well, it would make things easier anyway....

However, it was once told to me that I have no control over what other's think of my relationship. My relationship with him is one relationship by itself....I also have a separate relationship with each individual friend in my life and each individual family member. I had this thing where I thought it was literally my job to make everyone friends. Everyone in my life must like everyone right??? Well anyways, it was pointed out to me that it's not necessary. The only relationships I have any control over are my own. So I have given up trying to make everyone like him.....trying to get my mom and sister to make amends....and so on.....

Their relationships are their relationships and mine are mine After hearing this (which was given to me by a wonderful psychologist) I walked out of her office feeling weightless. I felt as if 20 years had been added back on to my life. Just wanted to stop back in and share this real quick because it truly relieved me of issues that didn't belong to me. It's so much easier taking care of my own relationships and not worrying about everyone else's

Okay I'm done now....I just knew I was missing something (lol).
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Old 07-23-2006, 09:24 AM
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Rekeeta - Thanks so much for your insight and understanding into this situation. Everything that you said is exactly what I am going through. My family has been so supportive, and I don't want to isolate myself from them. That would cause them an enormous amount of hurt, and I don't want to do that.

I cannot go to my family all the time and talk to them about the pitfalls of my relationship. That causes to many problems. I have definitely learned my lesson in that regard.

Thanks so much.
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Old 07-23-2006, 10:37 AM
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Hello,
I Thought Id Give My 2 Cents...ive Been W My Man For Ten Yrs....we've Been Married For A Lil Over A Yr Now.....my Family Doesnt Support My Relation-ship......well It Aint Nothing I Can Do About That...it Their Choice, As Much As It Hurts Its Nothing I Can Do About It....so Ive Made The Choice That I Wont Worry About It.....im Not Livng For My Families Approval.....i Really Dont Care Anymore....i Still Remain Close To Them But When It Comes To My Personal Life They Have No Input.....so Until They Drop The Ignorance And The Attitude Thats How It Will Remain....unitl!!!!! Baby Live Ur Life....life Is Just To Short To Worry About What Others Think Including Family.....live Ur Life And Do What Makes U Happy!!!!! Fu** What Anybody Else Think And Says!!!!

And Thats A Wrap!!!!!
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Old 07-23-2006, 10:41 AM
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not gonna lie... my parents still don't know!!! even though he has 10 years we're actually contemplating never telling them! right now when they ask if i'm dating anyone i tell them i'm still with john but we're in a long distance relationship. i think they're happy with that so i'm gonna leave it at that. they're not too nosy so hopefully our "plan" will work!
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Old 07-23-2006, 11:14 AM
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Tweet. Do what is best for you. I know you love your parents but you are a grown woman who has to make her own decisions. Listen to your heart and NO ONE ELSE. I am in a similar situation. My fiance and I had been apart for 8 years. We had lost all contact with each other. One day I put his name in the MDOC inmate search and there he was. That explains why I hadn't seen him in over a year. I wrote him, he wrote back, I visited him and the rest is history. I found him in June 2006 and we were engaged July 21, 2006. He refuses to lose me again for anything in the world. And I feel the same. My family doesn't like him and wants to know why I keep running to the prison to see him (my mom told me to let the "prisoner" be lonely). My fiance used to be a male dancer and they judge him based on his past profession. They will never understand the bond between us. That is why they don't know that we're engaged. Lol. And they won't know when we get married either. They'll find out when he comes home and they get to see what a wonderful person he is. Either they accept him or not. Regardless, I'm with him for life. Until then, it's our little secret. I've only told a couple of my friends about our engagement (none of my family members know, well all of my PTO family knows ). So, do you! Don't let outsiders invade on your happiness. Always, Mrs. Seduction
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