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Old 09-20-2019, 05:40 AM
GypsyLuz11 GypsyLuz11 is offline
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Default Just have to get this out of me

Hello,
I just want to get this out of me to people who will probably understand how I feel right now.



I was in a group of people yesterday and they got onto the conversation of a transvestite who lives close by. They all know me, coworkers and supposedly, are my "friends." Well, the next thing I knew, the conversation went to how this person has committed crime and will be facing either supervised probation or prison. One of the women in the group, looked right at me and made a snide remark that he would be happier in prison and said some word I'm not familiar with that I guess basically means this guy could have all the anal sex he wants in prison. I walked away from the conversation and went outside. They all know my son is in prison.



I can't help that this hurt me and I am not good at lashing back with quick remarks. I've never been good at the quick comeback. All I know is to distance myself, I don't eat in lunchroom anymore b/c of this kind of stuff. I can't get away from these people, I have to work, and I really do think sometimes they are just trying to get a rise out of me.



I still don't get why people do this and enjoy jabbing at others.



I am getting together with a friend tomorrow for coffee.



Ouch.



Gypsy

Last edited by GypsyLuz11; 09-20-2019 at 05:43 AM..
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  #2  
Old 09-20-2019, 06:19 AM
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People can be so stupid and ignorant. Don't take it personally, you are better than her and that jibber jabber bullshit!
Keep your head up and be strong!
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Old 09-20-2019, 07:25 AM
Gypsyrayne Gypsyrayne is offline
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People are mean. They say these things because somehow they believe they are better than us. Us moms who raised these awful children. They think it could never happen to them. I believe it could happen to anyone.
I have a friend whose daughter was arrested on 26 felony counts of getting prescriptions illegally. She was on the news so everyone knew. I’m sure he was depressed and embarrassed but he took it all in stride. If people asked about her, he answered honestly. He wasn’t like me. I don’t like anyone knowing. Maybe we should all be like him?
Hugs.
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Old 09-20-2019, 07:48 AM
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That plus I sometimes feel they have no clue on how to handle situations like this and then act superior. They are just dumbasses who have no or only limited emotional capacity.
Don't let those people get to you, you are better than that! And no need to hide it, it's party of your story and you got stronger because if it!
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Old 09-20-2019, 08:16 AM
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Miserable folk love to make others miserable. Their existence and self-fulfillment comes from pushing your buttons. Not reacting to them robs them of any enjoyment.

However, it would be difficult (for me) to not say, "Well that sounds like a voice of considerable experience."
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Old 09-20-2019, 08:18 AM
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My hub was arrested around the middle of Oct. (yrs ago) It was all over our local news.
I was a freakin wreck. I missed out on about a week of work. I was ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry you name it. I found out one of my coworkers wanted to post his picture up in the office. Of course the boss told him no way.
But instead, he wore an orange jump suit to the office for halloween. It cut me deeply. I could see people waiting to see if I reacted to it. (at this time I didnt know about him wanting to put up my hub photo) I think, or hope rather I showed zero reaction. The jumpsuit was orange, with writing from our local county jail on it.
I waited til he was by himself, and told him quietly when I walked by....um Actually our county jail jumpsuits are blue. Not orange.
And continued walking.
Over the time my hub was in.......he might make remarks sort of snidely. (his twin brother is a cop)


Once in a while I'd join in a convo during our morning break with a small group of people. He would spout off about some aspect and I could usually shut him down with actual facts.
I think one of the best come backs is.......would you think this way if it was your son, daughter facing prison?


I think he finally got it. A little. One of his daughters' got pregnant (not married) and he was too ashamed of her to tell us. Somehow it leaked out. I cant remember how, but we all said CONGRATS! Gonna be a grandpa.
He privately said to me......I thought you would make fun of me or her. I just shook my head and said, no. I'd not do that.


(oh now I remember, one of the other coworkers saw her in the resturant where she worked, obviously very pregnant and said something to the effect of...Oh! so your gonna be a grandpa!!@!!! He turned bright red.....and we all just congratulated him)
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Old 09-20-2019, 08:24 AM
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I have so many thoughts on this, but first & foremost, I am sorry you had to endure such insensitivity. It was uncalled for and unfair.

I understand how you feel a lot. When my husband [ then boyfriend] was first arrested, people spoke so ill of the situation. Between guilt and sentencing, it was not as if I could avoid some people : like you, there is the lunch room, and they took opportunities to say rude things. Many advise to „ not share information about your private life” , but there are some instances where it can not be kept in the shadows. It is awful for people to only run their mouths instead of think, „this must be difficult for that person, especially a mother, let me have some compassion.”

Yes, it is true, people act superior as if this will never happen to them or their loved ones. People that act haughty on the broken backs of others are actually low, so do not let this bother you, though I know it does.

It takes a simple scroll of this site to encounter stories of stable / well - adapted people or their relatives come to say, „ I never imagined this would happen.” But yet, it has, and that is the twist n ‘ turns of life : we never know. We can do our best to follow the law, but the vast areas of law [ computer crimes / white collar ] or those related to other factors [ such as mental illness or addiction] mean we need to think twice before we judge that we are superior.

The other point is that prison / prisoners are often misunderstood and an environment steeped in falsehoods / myths. Often this comes from the wider message to paint all prisoners with tar [ bad ] as well as the dramatic nature of prison portrayed on television. Always rape, always stabbings, always bad people doing bad things. And so, people will throw anything negative in your way, cause it is an easy misunderstood sore spot.

Humanity really sucks at seeing that people are not one - dimensional.

Take care of yourself. When I am stuck in the lunch room with others that I KNOW have been rude in the past, I fake read the newspaper. Just find a diversion. . . I would be fired if I opened my mouth.
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Old 09-20-2019, 09:14 AM
studebaker71 studebaker71 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyLuz11 View Post
Hello,
I just want to get this out of me to people who will probably understand how I feel right now.



I was in a group of people yesterday and they got onto the conversation of a transvestite who lives close by. They all know me, coworkers and supposedly, are my "friends." Well, the next thing I knew, the conversation went to how this person has committed crime and will be facing either supervised probation or prison. One of the women in the group, looked right at me and made a snide remark that he would be happier in prison and said some word I'm not familiar with that I guess basically means this guy could have all the anal sex he wants in prison. I walked away from the conversation and went outside. They all know my son is in prison.



I can't help that this hurt me and I am not good at lashing back with quick remarks. I've never been good at the quick comeback. All I know is to distance myself, I don't eat in lunchroom anymore b/c of this kind of stuff. I can't get away from these people, I have to work, and I really do think sometimes they are just trying to get a rise out of me.



I still don't get why people do this and enjoy jabbing at others.



I am getting together with a friend tomorrow for coffee.



Ouch.



Gypsy

I'm not the same situation but I do end up in conversations too many times with family and friends that end with innuendos leading to "all people incarcerated are guilty of something bad enough"....

Knowing my girl is in there, and some of them knowing shes in there, and having that viewpoint being communicated to me directly or indirectly is offensive. Any reference is like a cut to me. But I know that the person I was before she was taken in, I would be saying the same shit. Only when the iron strike home did I really "get learned" on this shit.

I hurt and get offended, then just now I learn to brush it off and find calmer waters. You did that and that was the best to do. And of course breathe a little into our group here for some relief, because were in the same damn boat.
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Old 09-20-2019, 03:49 PM
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I’m not very good at quick comebacks either and would probably just walk away as you did. However, I usually regret not saying anything and then I fret about it for weeks. If that were to happen again, I would most likely keep it simple, force myself to stay calm, and say something like, “I don’t appreciate these comments because I am walking a difficult road. If any of you were in the same situation, I would hope that I would be more sensitive to your situation and more respectful of your feelings.” Then I would distance myself from this group and keep in mind that they are ignorant and not worth the effort it takes to give them any thought at all.

I hope you enjoy coffee with your friend tomorrow. If she’s supportive and sensitive to your feelings, I would say that she’s a keeper!
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Old 09-20-2019, 07:57 PM
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So very sorry for this. Many of us have been thru the same thing. When our son was arrested, it was on the news, papers, etc.. We have a very unusual last name. Our older son had someone say something to him (he has never told me what he said) but he almost came to blows with the guy - and this son has NEVER in his 40 years ever gotten into a physical confrontation.

Our son has been gone 6 years now and many other newer stories have taken his place. I do not speak of him at work and no one asks anymore. It makes me both sad and relieved that they don't make comments, but people are just waiting for the next big thing to come along!!!!
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Old 09-21-2019, 03:35 AM
GypsyLuz11 GypsyLuz11 is offline
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Thank you so much everyone! Reading thru all of your posts gives me much

comfort and unity. I find much needed relief.



All of your insights have lit this dark room in which I find myself.



There is mercy and you all have expressed this. I can feel your warmth
and your wisdom in knowing how I feel.



It has been a very rough time. You all have given me permission
to exhale!



Wow!





Many many hugs to all of you!
Gypsy
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  #12  
Old 09-29-2019, 09:03 PM
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When my son was first arrested, plead guilty, and was incarcerated, I avoided conversations of any type that included criminals and prison. But, as time went on I realized there were a lot of people not talking about it but in the same boat of having a friend or family member incarcerated. Given the statistics, it shouldn't have come as a surprise, but like many others, until it was part of my life I didn't pay attention to the realities. After that, I did talk to total strangers. A park ranger when I pulled in on the way home from prison because i was curious as to where the road went and he asked why I was in the area. He had a relative in FL in prison. Another time it was a young hotel clerk in OK and her father had been in prison all her life. It seemed that every where I turned there was someone and they and I were relieved just to be able to talk and not hide behind our masks.

Interestingly, 7 years later, with my son recently being released, he is the one who doesn't want anyone to know and he is the on who gets upset when I talk about it.

Like anything else, sometimes the best answer is to walk away, other times to talk about it. The choice is up to you and how you feel at the moment. Those who haven't been where we have are mostly uneducated as to the criminal justice system and the prison.
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