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Old 04-10-2018, 09:25 PM
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Default Stressed out but April will be better soon

I had a bad month in March. When I got to the end, I think I realized that until my son is relocated, it's just going to be step by step and I will get through it. For those parents who don't get to see their child 6x a year, my heart goes out to you because it being 4 months since I have seen him is really hard on me.

1. My hard drive crashed when I was loading tax stuff. I lost all my financial records and have to start from scratch doing my taxes, which I am still procrastinating on, with substantive reasons as listed in item 2, but in my heart I just don't want to do it and I am not even sure why. It took a bit of time to find the guy who used to work on this stuff when I was not disabled and he only charged me $50 for a hard drive and the time he spent setting some of the basics back up for me.

2. I had eye surgery at the end of February. Saw the doc the day after. The following week I had to cancel because I had a bad cold. The next week his office called me as I was leaving my driveway for the 2 hour drive - my specialist was headed for immediate chemo and they had no idea what the plan was. I kept following up, but the staff didn't know. I knew he had said 30 days before I could be fitted for glasses. So I went to my local optometrist and ordered glasses, but they took 2 weeks and finally got the regular pair of no line bifocals today. In the meantime, using old frames, he did free of charge make me single lenses so that I could have a pair of driving glasses and a pair of reading glasses. (2 pairs of glasses with the new type of lenses and the exams - $752. Not in my budget, especially when the hospital bill was twice what the insurance had estimated for my share. The doctor, for obvious reasons, hasn't billed me yet.) I got a call today and he will see me Thursday. I hope the glasses I got are the right ones for my situation. If not, I am still, due to the delay in getting them, under the period where the optometrist can change them out at no additional fee to me - just more waiting. So for every bad there is a good, but it is wearing on my energy levels.

3. Worst of all, my son was arrested in prison. Taken to the hole with only the clothes on his back. He lost 9 lbs in 11 days. I only knew because another mother's whose son had met mine and thought he was a good person, told her and she told me. My son was not guilty and the investigation confirmed that, but after being out for 1.5 days, they put him back in because of accusations of unfair procedures. My son agreed to cooperate as he didn't want to see it end up in a riot (we know 2 prisons in AZ rioted and rumor there were 2 more that were kept out of the news). So I get to talk to him once a week for 10 minutes for the past 3 weeks, when the guards are able to take him to a phone. Since he went voluntarily they let him take his stuff with him so he can do his school work and everything. No securepak but they are letting him order from commissary so my ex (the transgendered step-parent) put money on his books last month and will again later this month. My son's dad, as usual, doesn't want to hear about it (as he pops open his next beer). Whatever caused the complaint by some other persons of a it was a different race. (I don't know if it's racial or something else going on as Arizona is ordered to integrate cells and dorms.) They will move my son to another prison. I just don't know when or where. My fear is Yuma which riot was in the news and they used shotguns and killed an inmate. Ideally, there is a prison 40 minutes from me. They have had him this whole time in a prison that is 350 miles away. But, I was used to it and the staff knew me. So for his last year in, I will have to start all over and worry about all those things of clothes passing, needing 2 pair of glasses, where to find a hotel, and how to get to places, which really sucks. My "normal" has been upended and I miss my son. His response to all of this has been, "hey, mom, for the first time in 6 years, I have my own room!" He has had his own room for 39 days now.

I am just down and can't seem to get motivated. I know seeing my son will alleviate a good portion of this. But I think all of it has stressed me and I can't get myself out and moving and getting things done. I am moseying instead of moving. I did go through the storage space and move boxes around to get a copy of last years taxes from behind the Christmas stuff. I did deal with the lawyer and trustee on my mother's estate and get answers for my sisters and documents corrected, signed, and mailed. Today, I did get the 1 pair of glasses and Thursday is the specialist, so maybe that will all help.

With the bad, there were bright spots. I think my son is going to be fine and he did the right thing going back into solitary, where he is probably safer. People have been good to me in all this stuff from the computer guy to ex-step-parent to optometrist.

I suspect I am getting more done than I think, but the taxes is the big cloud over my head and tomorrow I need to start moving out from under that. I think we probably all stress ourselves out at times and knowing something is going on with your child, not being able to do anything, just makes life stand still until you can see it's all ok. I won't have a choice about the taxes, but I know I will breathe and sleep and move more easily when I can see him again and we are back to "normal" routines.
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Old 04-10-2018, 10:14 PM
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I wish I could hug you. Though the roles are all switched up (my husband in prison and having no visits because my health having been in the toilet, unpredictable circumstances all around at home), I feel your post on a soul level. I feel a bit like I'm shutting down. I've got a stack of "must do, and soon" on my desk that feels like Sysiphus taunting me.

We just get through, don't we? I told someone else today I'm taking life in 12 hour blocks. I get through the day, then the night, then the next day, the next night-- I can't stop because nothing else does. And what I want more than anything is to make that stupid long drive to see my husband in a room that's overheated and overcrowded because I want that moment of grounding so bad.

I hope they move your son closer. He sounds like he's making the most of his time living solo. I also hope your vision continues to heal and improve and that your out of pocket has covered your needs. I hope April is better.
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Old 04-28-2018, 10:09 PM
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Hopefully, things are better for you. Thank you for your post. The fear of the unknown for my son and finances for my own healthcare get to me too. It seems to pile up at times to where I just want to run away! Maybe he will get moved closer. Thoughts are with you.
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Old 04-29-2018, 08:03 AM
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Wow I feel so silly for being frustrated with just normal everyday annoyances.
But I can relate to the big issues really throwing a fireball into life sometimes.
I hope you were able to get your taxes done, or file the extension.
(why do computers take a dump just when you really NEED them to work??????)

Hopefully things have settled.
And I hope your son is moved closer to you. That would be huge! (even tho you'd have to relearn all the ropes of visiting)
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Old 05-06-2018, 03:58 PM
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Default May is already here

I am not sure how much of April I just watched go by.

My surgeon finally did see me, my glasses were fine, in a year to 2 years I will probably need prisms in them again. I just hope he is around. He is flying from Tucson to Houston every 2 weeks for some type of cancer treatment.

I managed to file my taxes the day before they were due; I beat the IRS crash. It wasn't as carefully documented as it would have been, but I did my best, they were accepted, and the chips fall where they may.

My son was moved to Tucson in late April and I saw him the first weekend he was there. It's very different and being in that visit room, stuck at an assigned table, not being able to go outside and walk around, is hard on both of us. We did most of our talking circling the visitation yard. A feeling of privacy, not as much noise from all the voices in a room, and me not freezing from air conditioners. We are going to work on an alternate weekend visit but to save money me driving from home - so about 1.5 hours to get there. With my disability driving distances is hard on me. Better a 75 mile than a 350 mile trip each way, but I still pay the price for doing so as to pain and ability to use my hands.

He is none the worse for wear at this point. He wanted time to settle in and learn the ropes and he did finally get most of his stuff. 3 bags were originally left when they moved him from one transport to another, so it took a couple weeks for him to track it down and get it. He was appreciative of money being put on his books by the former stepparent, as he had no shoes when he got there, only the shower shoes they are issued. So he got a pair of sneakers right away. I suspect prison is like the Army - take care of your feet!

He has been taking some community college courses. So he thinks me worrying means there is something wrong with me. I don't worry every day (not like that first year) but when something happens like a riot in our state prisons and he is solitary, of course I am going to worry. I tried to tell him I am normal and his book is crazy (or his interpretation) but my kids won't get it until they have some kids of their own old enough to be worried about.

The truth - I still want to run away somewhere! I just don't know where that is. When I was able to work, I couldn't get the time off to do so; now I have too much time and can't physically and financially do so.
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Old 05-06-2018, 04:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miamac View Post
I wish I could hug you. Though the roles are all switched up (my husband in prison and having no visits because my health having been in the toilet, unpredictable circumstances all around at home), I feel your post on a soul level. I feel a bit like I'm shutting down. I've got a stack of "must do, and soon" on my desk that feels like Sysiphus taunting me.

We just get through, don't we? I told someone else today I'm taking life in 12 hour blocks. I get through the day, then the night, then the next day, the next night-- I can't stop because nothing else does. And what I want more than anything is to make that stupid long drive to see my husband in a room that's overheated and overcrowded because I want that moment of grounding so bad.

I hope they move your son closer. He sounds like he's making the most of his time living solo. I also hope your vision continues to heal and improve and that your out of pocket has covered your needs. I hope April is better.
I know what you mean about health issues and living in hourly increments. I don't think others in everyday life realize how hard it can be. I hope this doesn't come off sounding like my own pity party; just trying to express how much and why I can relate.

I shut down when they told me I couldn't work anymore and wouldn't be able to work again. Bilateral neuropathy means limited ability to do things with my hands and arms, to include the computer, but you don't realize how much you use your arms until you can't. The 12-hour blocks - I think that's reasonable. I know when I was working, that was how I did it for the first year. Now, I just live in 2 hour blocks. What I do at this moment, like using this computer, in 2 hours could leave me wrapped in ice packs, wishing for it to stop.

Worse, is when I do nothing, because despite the health problem, the days and nights are too long, as I live alone with no routine to my life. Family and job gone make a real empty nest starting in my early 50s. (Husband in 2010; son arrested 2012; disabled in 2013; daughter moved to midwest in 2014.)

Strangely, as much as my son can annoy me, he can also ground me in a different way. I am astounded at his emotional and mental growth (until he says something stupid that reminds me he hasn't lived life). Even growing up, while he was my difficult child, his perception of the events around him always fascinated me. When all of it gets to be to much, I still talk to my ex-spouse person.

But, the day to day existence, I must pay a bill but I am not going to make it to the grocery store. I don't have a desk anymore, but that struggle to make yourself do what is needed now and have the energy for what still must be done, along with not putting it off to the point it becomes another immediate stressor is not easy.

I hope you get to see your husband soon.
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