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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

View Poll Results: Are you codependent?
YES 185 57.28%
NO 54 16.72%
YES IN THE PAST, BUT NOT NOW 84 26.01%
Voters: 323. You may not vote on this poll

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  #26  
Old 08-13-2005, 04:47 PM
sweetnbeautiful sweetnbeautiful is offline
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I think I may be. I just wrote my man a letter and had a complete emotional break down. THen I read this and I fit almost every thing on the list. I've never seen a doctor so hard to tell. I have had close friends say I have depression to bipolar. So who knows. Right now my man and I are working together realizing we both have a lot of emotional problems. He was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed at the jail.
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Old 09-07-2005, 07:22 PM
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I know that when ever I have been involved with a man they have all needed something , they always seek me out. I try very hard to stay away from getting into relationships. When I do get involved they are alcoholic, drug addicts , were emotional abused as kids and on and on. I feel like I give up my self to become all for them and am left feeling drained. As a bipolor person it is so hard for me to have a relationship that is normal because I am not normal. Also, I do have commitment issues and am leary of all relationships. My husband knows all this and tries to reassure me , yet I see all the needs in him and I lay awake at night thinking, do I really want this, can I do this? He looks at me as a healer and all will be different with me , all will be well because of me. I can not heal him, I can't even heal me . I think just end it but part of me thinks that perhaps I am only going through my depressed mode and will feel differently once I am up again. I do not want to hurt him and I know he depends on me . Everything is on me. I feel at any moment I should be cannonized into saint hood. . We have talked about all of this but he honestly believes things in his life will be better because of me. That is all flattering but the reality is we can not be everything for others. He has been a career criminal and has lived with many lies, he has had a drug problem but he blames it all on the women he has known and been involved with. I am the the saint that does not get high or drink. He likes to drink and likes bars but suddenly he is saying he loves staying home and just wants to be a homebody, he was like that because of all the other women in his life were drug addicts and drunks.. I have felt compelled from the begining to help him, to love him because he was so child like, yet , I feel deep down inside this is why he picks older women, he is always looking for a mother. ( his mother abandoned him when he was young but took him in as a teen) I exhaust my self by trying to be sure he is taken care of in prison and I have wanted to help him. Yet, I am torn at this moment in time between the desire to just leave it all and go about my own life . Here I sit again, knowing that I was supposed to be there to visit on the 6th but I could not because of finances, he is disapointed since I could only go once last month but sending him money and books and trying to support him has drained me financially. I have been missing out on my own grown kids and grandkids who are out of state. He says, he understands that I miss them and when he gets out we can visit . I just see my self in the role of care giver with a lot of promises of what he will do when he gets out. I know people have the best of intentions when locked away but when the stress of being out hits and jobs are hard to come by his intentions may change to doing something I am not willing to go along with. I do not want to spend my last dime trying to get there to visit and yet I do want to see him . I hate disappointing him again and instead of telling him, I can't and do not know really when I would be able to visit I am thinking of going out in the morning and heading down for that long drive in a car that I am not completely sure of , and the little that I have left on this credit card and no cash just so he will not feel hurt. Now, that bothers me that I will do that instead of being rational and just not going. I am probably not making any sense here but it has all been coming to me lately how codependent that I really was and had not realized it before.
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  #28  
Old 10-16-2005, 10:56 PM
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I was told I am and I guess I very well may be.
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  #29  
Old 10-16-2005, 11:14 PM
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wow I guess I am..never thought so but after reading that I would say YES!!!
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  #30  
Old 11-04-2005, 04:01 PM
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My problem is that I'm too much UNdependent - meaning, not very socially interactive. Probably would have a more colorful life if I mixed better with people. But I LIKE doing things alone, and I don't lack for friends, either. Just prefer to be more solitary than most folks.
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  #31  
Old 11-24-2005, 05:38 PM
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When I first started dating my fiance' I was as co-dependant as they come. With time and age (I was only 17 then) I've grown out of it. I'm now very non-codependant. I've also read the book mentioned in this forum, it was a recomenned book to read at the place that I work. (Home for at-risk adolescents) I found myself applying alot of it to my life.
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  #32  
Old 11-30-2005, 05:45 PM
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No I use to be not anymore, I love myself too much to put myself throught that pain again.
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  #33  
Old 02-14-2006, 10:39 PM
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I love myself too but I can definitely claim a couple of the items under Care Taking and under Miscellaneous.
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  #34  
Old 02-15-2006, 05:15 PM
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Yes, I am.
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  #35  
Old 07-31-2006, 01:54 AM
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I think everyone is codependent to a certain extent. There is a continuum for just about everything....if you look at it as a long pole with one side being "extreme" and the other side being "minimal" what matters is where you fall in between. I believe everyone has bouts of depression, happiness, serenity, hopefulness, addiction, and so on.....the list can go on and on. What matters the most is where you stand on that continuum.

I voted yes for this comment because I know I am codependent without a doubt. What I have also learned is that many addicts are codependents too and many will need Al-Anon once they successfully complete many years of abstinence and AA meetings. I don't believe that you are once a codependent and than no longer......Once an addict, always an addict!!!

If I suffer from depression and am no longer depressed it just means that I am temporarily not depressed. I could easily fall back into depression if I don't take the necessary steps to take care of myself. Addicts can fall back into their addiction if they don't apply the everyday tools of the program to their life.

Thanks for the long list of codependency characteristics. I copied and pasted them into my recovery folder for future use
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  #36  
Old 08-31-2006, 06:22 PM
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Oh yes I am been working on it for a very long time!!!!! Lol, I am getting help and reading all that stuff I guess I
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  #37  
Old 08-31-2006, 06:22 PM
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I don't know what happened something might have ate my post so guess I am co dependent on this stupid puter now to.
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  #38  
Old 09-03-2006, 03:22 AM
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Default Yes that is why Im having trouble

Yes I am ..and it bothers me to death .. I know he did me wrong going in and i know he is scamming someone that would have to be the only reason he hasnt written . me .. so why do I stay ? the answer is he has ahold of me and yet as much as he does I still stay . I finally packed his stuff ..Is that wrong .I wouldnt want someone to leave me if i was in Prison... but do i stay aroun d and not hear from him till he gets out or do i let him go so I can go on with my life ... damn im so hurt and confused . wish i was stronger
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  #39  
Old 09-03-2006, 03:50 AM
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Susan. You are right it is not easy to leave someone in prison but in our own way we have made our own prison and in order to break out of it we must start to care for our selfs!! I would not wait on someone who cant even write you. And you know is play someone else.I would go on with my life. I have and never been happier! Hugs to you
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  #40  
Old 09-03-2006, 09:31 PM
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A somewhat heretical viewpoint, with selections from "the list":

"Codependents...."

"1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny." (like the person they are married to, for example? And if not, what's the point of the marriage?)

"2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem." Ditto.

"7. Don't really want to be doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves." (this is called "self-reliance").

"9. Try to please others instead of themselves.
11. Feel safest when giving." --the work ethic of Mother Theresa (and probably YOUR mother's teaching as well, especially if you are a Lutheran).

"1. Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families." --anyone here come from a "functional" family? Show of hands, anyone?

"11. Fear rejection." --once again, who hasn't? Anybody at all?

"25. Wish good things would happen to them" --presumably anyone other than a hardcore masochist wishes for the same.

"3. Think and talk a lot about other people." --this used to be called "conversation" or "gossip", depending on whether you read Dale Carnegie or Dear Abby.

"1. Have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment." --has anyone not? anybody at all? Speak up....

"7. Get frustrated and angry." --look for a show of hands once again....anyone who doesn't experience these emotions?

"8. Feel controlled by events and people." --folks who don't like the current President tend to feel this way--and with good reason.

"1. Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
2. Look for happiness outside themselves.
3. Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
4. Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness.
5. Didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
6. Don't love themselves.
7. Believe other people can't or don't love them." --Gosh, this is pathology? I thought it was just something you went through as a teenager. With acne.

"25. Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either." --gosh, I'll bet that's a rarity and a true sign of a sickness. Step forward, everyone who met "the one" at age 12 and lived happily ever after.

"16. Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect." --by speaking clearly, for example?

"14. Find it difficult to get to the point.
15. Aren't sure what the point is." --rather common human trait these days. See also "adolescence" above.

"7. Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
8. Withdraw emotionally from their partner.
9. Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
10. Don't talk about it.
11. Force themselves to have sex, anyway.
12. Reduce sex to a technical act.
13. Wonder why they don't enjoy sex." --rather like most married women, as the result of the behavior of most married men.

"1. Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people." --Gol' dang--like saying no to an abuser, someone who dumps trash on your lawn, or blows smoke in your face? How horrible!

"1. Be extremely responsible.
2. Be extremely irresponsible." --make up your mind, already! And is being responsible a BAD thing?

Just a few of the many points mentioned, but most could be similarly dissected.

I believe that if people spent more time in living their lives than they do in trying to find something wrong with themselves, this world would be a far happier place.

I also believe that social workers who make up lists like that and make millions ruining the lives of those who become convinced they have something wrong with themselves as a result should be shot.

Finally, I submit that the only human being who would show none of the traits on the list which started this thread would be psychotic, sociopathic, or both. Of course, creating illnesses to which everyone meets the diagnostic criteria is a great way to keep therapists in business.

To the "codependents" out there: please, do yourselves a favor. You're adults. You know what you need to do with your lives. So stop spending time and money on books that, for example, claim to reveal the deep-seated reason why you eat too many chocolate chip cookies if that is your problem and just STOP EATING TOO MANY CHOCOLATE COOKIES!

This has been a rant.
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  #41  
Old 09-05-2006, 12:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyLynn
Susan. You are right it is not easy to leave someone in prison but in our own way we have made our own prison and in order to break out of it we must start to care for our selfs!! I would not wait on someone who cant even write you. And you know is play someone else.I would go on with my life. I have and never been happier! Hugs to you
thank you for your advice , i try lt trip ..o do love hime withot ask and i get the gui all my heart but i cry every night and i dont know what to do he has a hold oin me but how can he say youre the one for me and then never write again ??? im sorry to bother you ..i just have noone else to talk ..
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  #42  
Old 09-05-2006, 09:39 PM
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I should conditionalize my earlier remarks by adding that my intentions were not 100% serious and that I failed to make it clear that the various character traits "in moderation" or "in their proper proportion" really don't strike me as unhealthy.

A sense of balance is one of the finest things one can have in life. When one becomes overwhelmed by something that ought to be a GOOD thing, there's a problem, no matter what name one gives it. Having a beer on a hot afternoon and relaxing for an hour is not unhealthy. Having that beer and following it with 23 others on a daily basis IS unhealthy. The difference lies in a matter of degree.

Stanton Peele wrote a book some years ago, "Love And Addiction", which is a bit dated now but may well be useful reading for someone who feels overwhelmed in a relationship. While Peele touches on it only briefly, there actually is a physical component to an emotional relationship which can lead to behavior akin to that of an addict. Strong emotions release various endorphins in the brain, an effect similar to that caused by opiates, cocaine and (to a much lesser degree) chocolate.

Susan, if someone is playing games with you, be careful how attached you become. "Believe it when you see it" may be the best attitude to take in this case, difficult though it may be for you. Don't ever let someone who isn't even communicating with you stop you from living your life, especially your social life. You OWN your life....please, don't give it away by default. And trust me, you are almost certainly stronger than you believe yourself to be.
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  #43  
Old 09-05-2006, 11:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveMoff
I should conditionalize my earlier remarks by adding that my intentions were not 100% serious and that I failed to make it clear that the various character traits "in moderation" or "in their proper proportion" really don't strike me as unhealthy.

A sense of balance is one of the finest things one can have in life. When one becomes overwhelmed by something that ought to be a GOOD thing, there's a problem, no matter what name one gives it. Having a beer on a hot afternoon and relaxing for an hour is not unhealthy. Having that beer and following it with 23 others on a daily basis IS unhealthy. The difference lies in a matter of degree.

Stanton Peele wrote a book some years ago, "Love And Addiction", which is a bit dated now but may well be useful reading for someone who feels overwhelmed in a relationship. While Peele touches on it only briefly, there actually is a physical component to an emotional relationship which can lead to behavior akin to that of an addict. Strong emotions release various endorphins in the brain, an effect similar to that caused by opiates, cocaine and (to a much lesser degree) chocolate.

Susan, if someone is playing games with you, be careful how attached you become. "Believe it when you see it" may be the best attitude to take in this case, difficult though it may be for you. Don't ever let someone who isn't even communicating with you stop you from living your life, especially your social life. You OWN your life....please, don't give it away by default. And trust me, you are almost certainly stronger than you believe yourself to be.
When I joined this group I was so destroyed with the system , I couldnt get it right , figure it out ..and then I spoke to so many that helped me and I truly appreciate it ... Time has passed and I was so thrilled that I finally recieved my first letter,and then my second ..then all communication
stopped. I dont know what I did wrong . I go to work day after day . I bust my ass.and yet for what?? I am running off everyone I know .. I finally met my friend that rebel forbabe me to talk to .and now i have destroyed our friendship/ Im a 41 yr old woman that has hurt someon that I figured he is better than me you know that song by Evanence "call me when your sober" well control is an addiction, and letting one control you is a bigger addiction... im scared I have lost me and I pushed away my friend because Im scared to death of getting hurt and hurting him.. so end it now and noone gets hurt right??? if this is true then why am I sitting here crying and wishing i wasnt here .. he has ruined me ..and in all reality I dont know how to be good to anyone ... I wear a mask hoping noone will see .. that this woman I pretend to be is really a figment of imminganition for the world to see ..easier for everyone if I wear a mask.. I apologize to all of you and I thank you for helping or trying to ..keep me afloat...take care all //// baby girl
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  #44  
Old 09-06-2006, 01:21 PM
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It may help you to remind yourself that YOU haven't done anything wrong. Bad things do happen to good people. It sucks, pure and simple. We are, however, more than what happens to us. And if you do let someone else's conduct destroy you, who wins? More importantly, who loses?

Another book that might interest you is Nathaniel Branden's "The Psychology Of Self-Esteem", which contains a fair amount of uplifting material. Albert Ellis' "The New Guide To Rational Living" isn't bad either.
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  #45  
Old 10-30-2006, 10:04 AM
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Yes I am co dependant but with the help of therapy and my beloved Al Anon group and books, tons of books and the support of family and friends I find myself getting healthier and healthier. While my sweet patootie is in prison, I have had to learn things that I never wanted to know or care about...like, how to clean my battery posts/cables, where to turn off the water main to my house, how to hang drywall and tape it...all things that I resent having to learn...the flip side...OMG I CAN DO IT ! and that is very empowering and liberating. While he is in prison, he is attending AA and though hard drugs were not his choice, he does attend NA..but that might stop soon because there are some gang activity in the meeting and that simply doesn't work for him...I have sent him a Big Book and 12 Step Recovery book to him..we pray together when he calls. Each day each one of us gets healthier and stronger. It sucks that he is gone, but if he had not been sent there, I would have buried him...I can't tell you how much my Al Anon family has done for me....Keep coming back...It Works !!
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  #46  
Old 10-30-2006, 12:42 PM
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ohmyGod susan dunn, thank you for your honesty you just spelled it out for me what i've been going thru! and al-anon, yes, that has been recommended to me, and i will go! but thank you, this website is such a wonderful place, you find what you need here!
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  #47  
Old 12-06-2006, 08:55 AM
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I found that I was co-dependent not so much with my spouse but with my parents! Even at 50 plus years old I would still fall apart if I thought I had made them mad or put out with me. It has taken my husband being incarcerated for me to work through all of that and I can say now that at 55 i may be better! I now havae a tougher attitude with all of that and now realize that you have to be re sponsible for yourself and you cananot please everyone all of the time. I also had counseling and have read a lot of the books out there on the subject. The best one i read was "healing hearta and mending minds" by mark b kastleman. it is about porn addiction but there is a great part about co dependency. i highly recommend the book it think it may even be a little better than some of patrick carnes books along the same line. this one really spoke to my heart.
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Old 12-06-2006, 11:38 AM
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Yes I fit into many of those catagories listed!!!!! I am going to find that book that was suggested. I hope that i am able to work through my many issues so when Wayne comes home it will be to a better person!
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  #49  
Old 12-19-2006, 07:54 PM
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I would say I'm a co-dependant in some ways and I have also been told I have a disorder called Obsesive Compulsive Disorder aka OCD, struggling with both . It's good to have people to talk to finally.
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Old 01-04-2007, 03:08 PM
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this is very interesting information....whos your source....jeez im scheduling an appointment with a pshc asap!lol.
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