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  #1  
Old 05-12-2019, 05:22 AM
Alishabeth8605 Alishabeth8605 is offline
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Default Should I visit/write my ex abusive boyfriend

Ok im gonna try to make this short as possible....i was with a guy for 2 years that was extremely narcissistic and abusive. I found it very difficult to stay away from him bc i loved him and apparently the misery. He is now in jail for assaulting his baby momma.. hes looking at 25-life. Is it wrong of me to actually be happy that hes locked up? Its like im free to be myself again and i don't have to worry about him putting his hands on me again. Hes recently been writing me letters that are healing for me if that makes sense. Hes sober and clear minded so hes telling me stuff i wish he could have said years ago. He wants me to come visit him. Should i cut all ties with him now or should i continue communication?
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Old 05-12-2019, 05:40 AM
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Default Should i visit/write my ex abusive boyfriend

Why would you want to visit someone who has abused you. Now he is in prison for abusing another woman . Of course he is going to be sober and nice to reel you back in so he can manipulate you. Remember abuse does not always have to be physical.
If you have a DV counsellor talk to them about why you feeling you want contact with this man. If you don’t have a DV counsellor find one local to you. They can help you move on in your life and find a positive healthy relationship that doesn’t involve abuse.
Good luck and keep us posted on your journey there is a lot of support here.
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Old 05-12-2019, 06:12 AM
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If you adopted a dog from a shelter because he was sooooo cute and soooo sweet, but when you got him home he started snapping and snarling and possibly biting... then one day the dog ran away and you felt relieved... would you take that dog back into your house if he showed up again?

If your answer is no, the question is why would you take back a human who did the same thing?

If the answer is yes, the question is why would you subject yourself to that all over again, when you already have proof of the behavior?

You answered your own question of whether you should cut all ties with these sentences:

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Is it wrong of me to actually be happy that hes locked up? Its like im free to be myself again and i don't have to worry about him putting his hands on me again.
Abusers know how to creep under people's skins and make them second guess themselves. That's how they continue to be abusers. If you're happy he's away from you, then cease contact, throw the letters away without reading them, and don't look back. He's not telling you what YOU need to hear, he's telling you what he needs you to hear so he can hook you back in again.
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Old 05-12-2019, 06:43 AM
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To be short and blunt:
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Old 05-12-2019, 06:52 AM
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Narcissists play with your mind and emotions. Aside from the abuse hes probably playing whatever hand he needs to to reel you back in. Please think bery carefully and put you first.
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Old 05-12-2019, 07:49 AM
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Default Should i visit/write my ex abusive boyfriend

No..... nooooooooo noooooooooooo
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Old 05-12-2019, 08:08 AM
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Why? To repeat that life over....?
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Old 05-12-2019, 08:22 AM
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Listen to the contradictions in your post: you feel free now that he is locked up, but you want to continue communicating with him.

I would focus on the free feeling because He can hurt you locked up. More mental games. Physically he could try, but there is safety because of COs presence. But he could destroy you mentally.

Go out enjoy your life. Wish him well, but no thanks
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Old 05-12-2019, 08:25 AM
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Don’t even open the letters. They aren’t “healing” you, they are manipulating you.
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Old 05-12-2019, 08:34 AM
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Narcissists are like cheetahs. They don’t change their spots. Stay the fuck away or you’re gonna end up reeled in again! And he’s gone for 25+ ... what if you fall in love again, then ur stuck. The thought he’s locked up and “safe” from other women may feel comfortable to some empaths, but you’re short changing yourself.
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Old 05-12-2019, 12:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alishabeth8605 View Post
Ok im gonna try to make this short as possible....i was with a guy for 2 years that was extremely narcissistic and abusive. I found it very difficult to stay away from him bc i loved him and apparently the misery. He is now in jail for assaulting his baby momma.. hes looking at 25-life. Is it wrong of me to actually be happy that hes locked up? Its like im free to be myself again and i don't have to worry about him putting his hands on me again. Hes recently been writing me letters that are healing for me if that makes sense. Hes sober and clear minded so hes telling me stuff i wish he could have said years ago. He wants me to come visit him. Should i cut all ties with him now or should i continue communication?
NO! it's not wrong to be actually happy he's locked up! He's where he needs to be and his charges are surely meant for him to face/serve.

NO! don't bother to respond back to his letters or go visiting him. Cut all communication with him. Of course he's going to tell you things you've been wanting to hear so many years ago, that he didn't bother to say to you then. Look at his situation right now and what he's facing as well for assaulting the mother of his child. He needs some support in his corner and look where he's trying to get it from...YOU!. So he's going to tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear right about now. So he can hook you in..because he feels you'll fall for it with words. Good for him that he's sober/clear minded. That has nothing to do with you and don't fall for it. You don't need to get closure (by him sending you letters or him wanting you to visit him/you wanting to visit him) to move forward with your life. Your closure began when you got out of that unhealthy relationship/situation before it was too late. You don't need anymore closure to move forward from him and with your life hun. I'm just being blunt and honest with you.
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Old 05-12-2019, 03:33 PM
Alishabeth8605 Alishabeth8605 is offline
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thank yall so much for the advice! I wasnt expecting anyone to reply but im so thankful yall did. I appreciate everyone taking the time to remind me what i should already know. I really need to find a local DV counselor in my town...my only issue is i don't have insurance or Medicaid so paying for therapy is almost impossible at the moment. Any ideas of places that help situations like mine? I live in texas if that helps. Thank yall again for the advice.
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Old 05-13-2019, 05:20 AM
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Some shelters will have counselors available. Unfortunately, most of the non-big-city parts of Texas don't seem to mind DV all that much (or at least, the male politicians don't mind), so finding a therapist at all could be tricky.

Have you read the "Open Offer" sticky post at the top of the DV forum? It's not as good as therapy, but it's a whole lot better than nothing.
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Old 05-13-2019, 01:09 PM
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You could try an online support group or a hotline with trained counsellors.

The national domestic violence hotline is https://www.thehotline.org/

Whatever you do remember your words that you are glad he is in prison he cannot hurt or abuse you and you are safe. Say those words to yourself every time you feel tempted to contact him.

You are a strong woman you are worth so much more and you can do this. You can have a good future safe and healthy.
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Old 05-13-2019, 06:58 PM
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Short answer: No.


Long answer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


That said, it's up to you.


Good luck.


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Old 05-13-2019, 08:14 PM
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Look, you need to make counseling a priority.

Are you writing letters to him? If so, you need to stop. You need to stop reading his letters without a therapist. No contact. You were free, and now you are not. Until you go no contact and stay no contact, you are not free.

You are feeling him reel you in - do you really think he means anything he is writing? He has all day to think about everything. He has all day every day to think about what is going on and his needs. He needs somebody on the outside to put money on his books, to visit and break up the monotony of everything. He needs a woman in his life he can manipulate, even to the point of talking to the other woman he abused for him.

Remember, too, 25-life does not mean that he will get 25-life, and that he won't be out tomorrow, looking for a place to stay.

He knows your buttons and is pushing them because he can and he has needs. You are an expedient means to meet those needs.

Make counseling a priority. sliding scale therapy can be found through catholic charities, Lutheran family services, and a variety of other organizations. Also check with your county mental health. You can check with your local domestic violence shelter and see if you can get a referral for sliding scale therapy.

In the interim, stop. Just stop.
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Old 05-15-2019, 03:57 AM
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You said it yourself; he’s a narcissist. It’s very good that you realize that and understand the behaviors that go along with that. Any “relationship” he tries to re-establish with you will be 100% for his own benefit and 0% for yours. It’s telling that he didn’t say those things to you while he was free; they would have been of no use to him then. It never hurts to Google “narcissism” every once in awhile and remind yourself what he is at his core, there are hundreds of sites that deal with narcissism and being involved with one. And, always remember: narcissists don’t change.
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