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  #1  
Old 02-12-2019, 08:52 PM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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Default How do I find the words that I know will break her heart

The ways in which an addict trying to get a fix can find to manipulate those who love them truly know no bounds.
Sometimes they still catch me off guard
I'll be somewhat vague for privacy but hopefully get the message across clearly

His mother asked me, before she goes ahead and sends the funds, just to make sure I didn't already take care of it myself. Well... She was told they were necessity for something that couldn't be taken care of any other way. I personally know it's not true and it was just to play on her heartstrings after she'd made the decision not to enable financially anymore.
A mother wants to believe her baby is telling her the truth and could never be that type of deceitful. I get it, I do ...
I can't let her send the money knowing the truth.
My concern. I don't want any to run the risk of any more distrust or appearing to only tell her negative things of her sons behavior, even if it is the truth. I want to lead the horse to water, just in a way which allows her to feel good about the fact she was able to stick to her convictions, and know that saying no is the only way we can help him in the long run.

How can I do this without directly telling her he's lying through his teeth?
Or even if I have to end up laying it all out , I want to do this in the easiest possible way. There's enough hurt, deceit, and distrust between all of us already without anyone feeling like they're being shut out or taken advantage of.
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  #2  
Old 02-12-2019, 09:46 PM
KiwiPP KiwiPP is offline
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Maybe just make her aware of just how rampant drugs are in AZ prisons, and that there’s a high chance that the money she is sending him could very likely be used to purchase drugs. Unfortunately, mother’s tend to be blind to their sons addiction and are their biggest enablers.
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Old 02-13-2019, 05:08 AM
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I guess I am way less diplomatic with things like this as I would just tell her the cold hard truth without any sugarcoating. She is his mother, and I doubt she's completely in the dark about her son's addiction. If you keep her in the dark I think that's just another way of enabling this man's addiction. He will keep on using people in order to enable his addiction as long as people let themselves to be used - in my opinion his mother needs to know the truth no matter how ugly it is....that is the only way that he reaches his rock bottom. I would just tell her he's lying, and not to send the money, period. He is doing all this to himself and you are not responsible for protecting the relationship/trust/consequences he has with his mother; that's just enabling in my opinion. I get that you feel uncomfortable having his mother possibly becoming upset...but, again, it is not you who is upsetting her -- it is her son and his actions.
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Old 02-13-2019, 07:15 AM
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I would tell her, and tell her what your suspicions are and why. Unless he's told you directly its still possible (I know, I know)


I'd rather know the truth even if I dont want to know it or believe it
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Old 02-13-2019, 08:42 AM
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Be true to her. Tell her what your thinking. Explain to her they can get a hold of drugs in there. Not to put money anywhere but his books but even then only put an x amount for necessities. If anything, don't put any money on and just send him care packages and tell him to make that last til the next available. He doesn't need to be pampered.
He could just end up trading what he can to get a fix. Theres no way we can really prevent an addict from getting what they want. Only make it less easy.
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Old 02-15-2019, 07:55 AM
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I saw this today on a facebook post. I cant find who the author is.
A poem:


"I destroy homes, tear families apart - take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold - the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome - try me you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave.
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell."
Signed
DRUGS
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  #7  
Old 02-17-2019, 10:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AAH14589 View Post
The ways in which an addict trying to get a fix can find to manipulate those who love them truly know no bounds.

How can I do this without directly telling her he's lying through his teeth?
Or even if I have to end up laying it all out , I want to do this in the easiest possible way. There's enough hurt, deceit, and distrust between all of us already without anyone feeling like they're being shut out or taken advantage of.
I am the mother of an opiate addict. I had no idea that they could get drugs so easily and cheaply in prison. His first use of heroin was in prison. Eventually, the stories of why he needed so much money in so short of a time reached the point that I couldn't believe it. All his clothes were stolen from the laundry and he had to buy new ones. He accidentally broke someone's TV while goofing around. Those were the two that pushed me over the edge and I said no.

I wish someone had told me how easy it was to get drugs. That everything had a value so even sending a securepak gave him resources to trade for drugs. While I couldn't control it, I could at least make it more difficult. I limited the securepak items to the less desirable items. Ramen isn't as useful as meat snacks. Coffee was something he wanted at least as much as drugs.I maxed out on hygiene products. I sent money in odd amounts and not on any "schedule". It's a lot easier to borrow for drugs when they know mom sends $100 on the 15th of every month. Not so easy when it's random days in varied lesser amounts. I made a rule that if he asked me for money, I would stop sending any. He stopped asking. There were things he did need, like a pair of sneakers or supplies for his college class. If he actually needed new sneakers he had to send me a request in writing detailing what he needed and how much. Then he had to provide me with a receipt.

He kept using, but it was out of my control. My conscious was clean because I had found a balance between doing what I could while not feeling like I was abandoning him. Eventually, the debt caught up to him. He was forced to fight with a very large man. No permanent injury, but it seemed he got a lot of injuries and bruises playing basketball that winter. After 6 months in jail and 10 months in prison, he quit using. Another inmate saw something positive in my son, helped him get sober and stay sober. That inmate paid off my son's remaining drug debt and put my son to work.

The prison he was transferred to the inmates had a rule at that time that any of their race who were under 26 years old should not be using drugs and they actively sought to get them clean and to prevent drugs being sold to them. My son was 23. The other inmate mentored him, taught him coping skills and alternative uses for his time. In turn, my son has tried to help others quit and stay clean. Boredom is a huge problem and contributes to them using drugs to pass the time. I realize that we have been lucky. My son didn't want to keep using. There were other things he did want from life and college was priority for him. He has earned 32 credits while incarcerated.

There are other inmates who have quit and resumed use; inmates who were released and came back to prison because of drugs. It was especially prevalent with those inmates who had shorter sentences (2 years or less). My son's sentence was 8 years. The risk of an addict using and the chances of them staying clean in the prison environment is horrendously stacked against them.

This past week, 6 inmates overdosed at Tucson-Whetstone and were taken out in ambulances. Drugs are such a huge problem and the general public with no real experience are generally unaware of how easy it is to obtain and use drugs in prison. My son has been clean for 5 years, 3 months and will be released this summer.

Tell the mom the truth. Make it real. Not knowing the truth did neither my son nor me any good. Knowing the truth may not save her son. But, at least she can make informed choices. Feel free to share my story.
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Old 02-19-2019, 09:28 PM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizlizzie2 View Post
I am the mother of an opiate addict. I had no idea that they could get drugs so easily and cheaply in prison. His first use of heroin was in prison. Eventually, the stories of why he needed so much money in so short of a time reached the point that I couldn't believe it. All his clothes were stolen from the laundry and he had to buy new ones. He accidentally broke someone's TV while goofing around. Those were the two that pushed me over the edge and I said no.

I wish someone had told me how easy it was to get drugs. That everything had a value so even sending a securepak gave him resources to trade for drugs. While I couldn't control it, I could at least make it more difficult. I limited the securepak items to the less desirable items. Ramen isn't as useful as meat snacks. Coffee was something he wanted at least as much as drugs.I maxed out on hygiene products. I sent money in odd amounts and not on any "schedule". It's a lot easier to borrow for drugs when they know mom sends $100 on the 15th of every month. Not so easy when it's random days in varied lesser amounts. I made a rule that if he asked me for money, I would stop sending any. He stopped asking. There were things he did need, like a pair of sneakers or supplies for his college class. If he actually needed new sneakers he had to send me a request in writing detailing what he needed and how much. Then he had to provide me with a receipt.

He kept using, but it was out of my control. My conscious was clean because I had found a balance between doing what I could while not feeling like I was abandoning him. Eventually, the debt caught up to him. He was forced to fight with a very large man. No permanent injury, but it seemed he got a lot of injuries and bruises playing basketball that winter. After 6 months in jail and 10 months in prison, he quit using. Another inmate saw something positive in my son, helped him get sober and stay sober. That inmate paid off my son's remaining drug debt and put my son to work.

The prison he was transferred to the inmates had a rule at that time that any of their race who were under 26 years old should not be using drugs and they actively sought to get them clean and to prevent drugs being sold to them. My son was 23. The other inmate mentored him, taught him coping skills and alternative uses for his time. In turn, my son has tried to help others quit and stay clean. Boredom is a huge problem and contributes to them using drugs to pass the time. I realize that we have been lucky. My son didn't want to keep using. There were other things he did want from life and college was priority for him. He has earned 32 credits while incarcerated.

There are other inmates who have quit and resumed use; inmates who were released and came back to prison because of drugs. It was especially prevalent with those inmates who had shorter sentences (2 years or less). My son's sentence was 8 years. The risk of an addict using and the chances of them staying clean in the prison environment is horrendously stacked against them.

This past week, 6 inmates overdosed at Tucson-Whetstone and were taken out in ambulances. Drugs are such a huge problem and the general public with no real experience are generally unaware of how easy it is to obtain and use drugs in prison. My son has been clean for 5 years, 3 months and will be released this summer.

Tell the mom the truth. Make it real. Not knowing the truth did neither my son nor me any good. Knowing the truth may not save her son. But, at least she can make informed choices. Feel free to share my story.

Your story honestly brought tears to my eyes. Heroin has been his drug of choice and it's turned him into an absolute monster at times.
I did end up telling her. She called the prison and they told her too. She's turned on me because I won't give her the go ahead , she's looking for a way to ease her guilty conscience about some things from his childhood and throwing money at a situation has always been their go to, and their sick and sad downfall. Gets him talking to her more too and she uses that as a clutch. The whole thing makes my stomach turn in knots
Thank you so much for sharing , sometimes these things really do have happy endings
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*Dear Judge,
I know he might not look like much to you. My only request, is that you tread lightly on our hearts, because to me, he's my whole world...*
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  #9  
Old 02-19-2019, 09:30 PM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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[quote=sidewalker;7764577]I saw this today on a facebook post. I cant find who the author is.
A poem:


"I destroy homes, tear families apart - take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold - the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome - try me you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave.
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell."
Signed
DRUGS[/QUOTE


Hits home every time.
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I know he might not look like much to you. My only request, is that you tread lightly on our hearts, because to me, he's my whole world...*
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Old 02-20-2019, 10:55 AM
ThopterMom ThopterMom is offline
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As a mom, I will say that cold hard facts and undeniable proof are what it takes. Unfortunately you have to break her heart. We are genetically programmed to believe in and want to protect our babies (no matter how old they are). It's why we don't strangle them when they plug up the upstairs bathroom sink and leave the faucet on while we we're gone causing us to come home to a waterfall in the living room (true story) or when they play in the can of paint (or worse).
I believed him, heart and soul, when he said that someone else was responsible the first time there was a problem. And I'm not the stereotypical mother who thinks their child can do no wrong. But the things they were saying didn't fit with the child I KNEW. Oh, how I wish that someone had sat me down with the actual evidence that they had and broken through that barrier, instead of saying they couldn't show me anything or give me specifics due to privacy or whatever other reasons. If I'd known what we were up against, maybe we wouldn't be where we are today.
PS I see that you tried and it didn't go well. Someday she may get to the point where she can see clearly and thank you for your honesty. If not, just know that you did the best you could for her - and him.
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  #11  
Old 02-27-2019, 02:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AAH14589 View Post
Your story honestly brought tears to my eyes. Heroin has been his drug of choice and it's turned him into an absolute monster at times.
I did end up telling her. She called the prison and they told her too. She's turned on me because I won't give her the go ahead , she's looking for a way to ease her guilty conscience about some things from his childhood and throwing money at a situation has always been their go to, and their sick and sad downfall. Gets him talking to her more too and she uses that as a clutch. The whole thing makes my stomach turn in knots
Thank you so much for sharing , sometimes these things really do have happy endings
Control what you can, and let go of the rest - it's all you can do and it is what you did in telling her the truth. You can't stop her from throwing money at her conscience.

My ex feels guilty over things. His answer has been to do nothing for his son, not even send him a Christmas card. Neither extreme helps our children. I am honest with my son. I run into his dad a few times a year and tell him what is going on, but pretty much get cut off from saying much. His guilt is too overwhelming. He doesn't understand his son, doesn't understand drug addiction (although he is an alcoholic). I understand the knots in the stomach.

I am hoping for a happy ending. For now, it's at least a happy rest stop. When he gets out and has to deal with the "real" world in an uncontrolled environment, with the difficulties of being an ex-felon, I can only hope that he doesn't turn back to drugs and that being clean and what he has learned during his time in prison is enough to keep him straight.

The whole journey is scary. Do the best you can as a parent.
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Old 02-27-2019, 05:57 PM
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Out of all my children one has ended up in and out of prison. The first time he went to jail or to prison I told him, stay to yourself, don't borrow from anyone, don't do drugs or gamble. Stay as a loner if you can or around those who are like you. Don't get involved with the gangs if you help it. It's hard I know but your only doing a minute don't make it a life style or a lifetime. Don't ask me for money or cajas, if I feel like sending you something I will. But never expect it cause it ain't happening. I told him, you know my background and that I'm hep to the goings on in the joint. I didn't have to be in a man's prison to know this. I also told him, this is not the life I wanted for you and the fact that you weren't raised around me, I had hoped that you wouldn't follow in my footsteps but you did. You started using heroin broke my heart and I know why you did it, it brought you closer to me in your mind. I'm sorry that you felt that was the only way. But, now you're grown up and you made the choices that have and so deal with it. This went on for years until he moved to North Dakota and got busted up there after only four days. Caught with meth and got 2 years. He got out had to go to a half way house and got a job at Denny's and been there since. That was 4 years ago. So proud of him now, has a gf and is step dad to her boy. They're saving up to buy a house. He told me he was glad I was the way I was with him. I would worry about him using inside or outside. I got clean before he started his journey on that road. I'm very proud of him now, prayers helped cause I was always worried I'd get that call about him being found dead in an alley way of an overdose. You have to be firm even if it hurts.
I'm sorry but she knows she shouldn't send the money to him. If she wants to send it then that's on her not you. You did what you felt was right it's on her now she's got a mind of her own she just doesn't want the responsibility if something goes wrong. Just like on the streets you don't know what you're getting. That's the chance that an addict will take. And that poem has been around for as long as I can remember.
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