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  #1  
Old 09-07-2018, 08:44 PM
mlairzk mlairzk is offline
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Default Ungrateful son

My son has been in jail for one year. I deposit $80/month into his commissary account. I also make sure there is always money on my phone so he can call me anytime. The only time he calls is the day before money is to be deposited into his account, I guess he thinks he needs to remind me. I told him that it was very upsetting that this is the only time he calls me. He said that he actually realized that's what he was doing and said he was sorry. Still its the only time he calls. Im so frustrated and heartbroken.
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Old 09-08-2018, 10:31 AM
Ms Sunny Ms Sunny is offline
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Stop putting money in his account. Let him see that you're not an auto ATM. Entitlement is ugly, but not as bad as emotional blackmail.
He's a grown ass man, needs to stop running you, and you need to set that boundary and be strong. It's not easy, and he may try to stop calling until he gets his wag, but you need to have respect also. It's not only about him. Sometimes they forget who is doing the time with them. Good luck Mom.
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Old 09-08-2018, 11:48 AM
nygirl17 nygirl17 is offline
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Yep sto okk answering and don't send money. He made this mistake not you. You send money because you love him not because you have to. Because you surely don't have to. He needs to realise that.
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Old 09-08-2018, 12:36 PM
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How long has it been since your son apologized? If itís been a short time, I would wait and see if he starts calling more regularly. If itís been longer and he still hasnít called, I would write him a letter explaining why it upsets you (you worry, youíre concerned, etc.) when he doesnít call. Sometimes they forget that itís not all about them. Maybe your son needs to hear that itís not. Let him know exactly how youíre feeling and, unless things improve on his end, you will stop putting money on his commissary. The threat of this should wake him up but, if not, I would definitely stop sending money. Good luck!
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Old 09-08-2018, 06:15 PM
mlairzk mlairzk is offline
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Thank you. I got pretty emotional when I read " Sometimes they forget who is doing the time with them". I know that he can use me and manipulate me if I let him. It's just so damn hard!!! I'm glad I found this forum. I think it will help deal with things better.
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Old 09-09-2018, 06:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mlairzk View Post
My son has been in jail for one year. I deposit $80/month into his commissary account. I also make sure there is always money on my phone so he can call me anytime. The only time he calls is the day before money is to be deposited into his account, I guess he thinks he needs to remind me. I told him that it was very upsetting that this is the only time he calls me. He said that he actually realized that's what he was doing and said he was sorry. Still its the only time he calls. Im so frustrated and heartbroken.
My son did call me other times but he also had a habit of calling at end of month to confirm I would be sending money. I told him do not call and ask me about money unless there was some special need like new sneakers or college stuff. So he stopped. He knew my tone meant this is real. He did worry about the costs of calling me because at that point it was $6.95 for 15 minutes. We settled on 2 or 3x a month but that he always called if there had been a death or incident or riot to tell me he was ok. Costs changed with new rules so our calls went down Half of that or less. Now he calls twice a week.

My son was trying not to cost more and hurt my feelings. After the do not call for money conversation, another inmate gave him some advice on respecting his mom. He then started calling after every visit to make sure I got home safe.

You know your son. And I think they all manipulate us to some extent. But it may be thoughtlessness or warped reasoning on his part that he doesn't call more often. Like others said, see if your conversation makes a difference. I hope it did.
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Old 09-09-2018, 08:46 AM
LynnD LynnD is offline
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I logged on today specifically to look back through posts hoping for some guidance with my own ungrateful son. Sadly I didnít have to look back. You are not alone. My son usually calls frequently, when he is doing well and hasnít lost his phone privileges ( I keep money on my phone, not his acct.). I send 50-100 a month to his acct. He says he doesnít write because we talk so frequently. But of course, if he loses his phone privileges like this past month , he doesnít write either. He says he did, but I never received it. BS! I just saw him for a visit. Seems clear eyed, no horrible red flags. Is he slipping again? Or is he just an ass? If I demand a letter before I send $, isnít that just as manipulative? I have cut off all money in the past when he Ďfell off-head firstí but that seemed black and white, and it was still hard. I think about just not showing up for a visit, but I donít want to turn my back on him. How do you teach a grown man some manners? I am his mom. How do I show Iím here but think you are an ass! But then I wonder what would my expectations be if he were free? He is so self absorbed, but werenít we all at that age. Sorry for the long rant. Being a parent just sucks!
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Old 09-11-2018, 12:43 AM
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Lynn,

My son does answer a letter when I send one, but what I have discovered is he doesn't know how to write a letter. It will be one paragraph that he is fine, how are you, and the weather. I think they missed out on the skill of how and what to put in a letter. He does send a card for every major holiday and birthday. Maybe our kids just have no idea what to put in a letter?

I understand the checking them out, their eyes, their skin, their attention span, and so on/. That fear they are on something never seems to leave.

You make a good point. What would we expect if they were out? My daughter doesn't call very often, she lives in another state, has a 3 year old, and is a high school science teacher, along with working on her masters. The truth is I am more hurt by my daughter as she is outside and never been in trouble, but she calls less and never sends a card. She visits 1 to 2x a year.

Ok, now I am depressed.
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Old 09-11-2018, 05:08 AM
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My son and I talk almost every day at least once a day, he never asks me for anything except to please pick up the phone when he calls so that he knows that I am ok. He will surprise me occasionally with a letter, picture that he has drawn or a card that he bought on canteen or from someone, and as we get closer to our one visit a month we do not talk on the phone about things that are going on in our separate lives so that we have something to talk about at visitation. My daughter too lives in another state and time zone, has two small children and we text lots, but occasionally I get the call "have not heard from you in a while" and we catch up, her I do not worry about, her brother is another story, smart as a whip, no common sense lol. Love both of them lots and life goes on.
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