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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #26  
Old 04-14-2012, 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Klewis View Post
Basically something childish but I had made up my mind that I was going to make him as miserable as he had made me over the 5 year period. Some people say that the thing about love is no one is every in love at the same time. This was one of those relationships. He messed up and fell in love and it was not about that for me no more. He landed a good job and I made it known that he was supporting me 100%. He never had money left over to buy him clothes so he stayed in his work clothes. I wasn't a wife to him, I was more like a gold digger times 2. I did not lie to him though. I always told him I did not love him and that if he ever lost his job I would be gone and that is what happened. Even though I feel I got revenge it was not worth it in the end because my daughter seen a lot of abuse coming from him and a lot of wasted time was put in to the relationship. He use to beat me because he could not get me to love him no more.
im so sorry but i had to answer this thread,if you tell someone you dont love them why stay with them unless ur working towards loving them,my xx used to always say but im being hoNEST I DONT LOVE YOU ,BUT LIKE YOU HE WOULD STILL TAKE MY MONEY,DOES IT MAKE IT RIGHT TO BE HONEST WHILE HURTING THE OTHER FOR HOPING IT WILL BE ONE DAY,I THINK THATS A COWARD WHO DOESNT LOVE SOMEONE AND USES THAT THEIR BEING HONEST TO KEEP THE LOVING PARTNER AROUND FOR THEIR OWN SELFISH NEEDS,I HOPE THAT YOU'VE LET GO OF UR WAYS ,CAUSE WHATEVER HE DID AND ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER 2WRONGS WILL NEVER MAKE IT RITE,IF SOMEONE HURT YOU DONT CONTINUE THE CYCLE CAUSE YOU'LL NEVER FIND HAPPINESS AND ALONG THE WAY UR MAKING GOOD MEN TURN BAD
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  #27  
Old 04-14-2012, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by lovemipapi View Post
Red flags when talking on the sense of when in a relationship with an inmate, no matter how long or how short of time you've known them...

are they doing anything to better themselves?
classes? educating themselves in any way shape or form?
Are they heavy into the jail house politics?
Getting lots of write ups / shots/ additional time
not following rules?
are they not following even the "stupid" rules and then saying how stupid the rule is and if they get in trouble blame it on the prison co's like they are out to get them personally? are they not following even they rules and blaming it on the system that they wuldn't be getting that shot if they didn't have such a stupid rule?
are you maken excuses for behavior cuz he's in prison? Are you questioning his doing certain things to his being in prison? (these are also red flags)

verbally abusing you or taking out ish on you cuz it's been a bad day? and you maken the excuse cuz they are in prison, that they weren't like this before, or that you know it's hard in there bla bla bla.... do you take that ish out on them cuz it's hard out here? if not then your maken an excuse, prison isn't an excuse to act like an asshole to their loved one's! I'm not talking bout it's a bad day and he sorta took it out on you, i feel everyone has a bad day here and there and they don't handle it always the best way and things get took out on your loved one's at times....i think everyone is guilty of thise at least once in their lives lol... but u know the difference, you see it here all the time...
post after post, on "does your man ever do this or that to you, and is it cuz they are in prison"

is he playing emotional games w/you?
How were passed relationships he's been in?
whatever landed him in prison, is he owning up to his own? Is he doing things to insure that he's not going to do the same things again? Or is he sayin he can't wait to get back out and make that fast buck? Is he in cuz of domestic violence and he's still blaming the victom? or is he doing things for himself mentally taking anything they offer to help better himself, and he feels bad for what he's done? If it's he abused an xgf, or xwife is he saying all the negative things bout her, and how horrible she treated him, you kno if he's doing that, and still saying it's her fault...then you are missing a HUGE red flag! believe that!
is he drinking and or using drugs while inside? Are you excusing the fact he's drinking cuz it's legal and you drink also? May seem very silly that oh it's jus a drink who cares? but it goes beyond it just being a drink, it's just a drink right, but it's not legal inside those bars, it's contraband and they are NOT allowed to drink...simple rule to follow..They aren't on vacation, and if it's a vacation for them...thats a huge red flag.
Vaction thinking everyone owes them the world cuz they are in prison "pitty party" for them...they need that drink to escape from the hell they are going thru in there! well they put themselves in there!

Im not saying the guys that work out and enjoy themselves are playin like it's a vacation, they need to release that energy i think and feel that's very important that they stay as active as possible, (you see some women bitching cuz their man is always playing basket ball, working out "how bad can it be when that's the majority of their day" and so forth) well working out being pysacilly active releases endorphines which is very good thing for their sanity! so i'm not meaning along those lines...

do they have realistic goals and dreams for when they get out? or are they constantly saying how when they get out they want time off before finding a job to relax and so forth....while yes it is a huge adjustment coming back out, and while sum do suffer pstd and it's hard to move fwd when they get out, but if they are already focusing on being lazy when they get out that's a HUGE red flag your chosing to ignore!

my mwi xbf had done a lot to better himself, he did alot of thinking bout his future and realistically thinking bout it! He knew nothing was going to come easy coming out. I didn't miss red flags w/him, but we didn't work out! He became a coward in how he ended the relationship, i never guessed him to be one, however at the same time he told me about passed ways he's ended relationships and now i'm thankful for his cowardlyness cuz fact is his norm woulda been to say mean nasty things to sum1 to get them to nvr wanna speak to him again, well he being a coward w/me shows that no matter what he truly cared enuff bout me to not end things that way. I still wish he wouldn't of been a coward, but I'm glad he didn't do what his normal was!

With an xbf that was also an inmate, I made the excuses, i ignored the fact he wasnt following rules, he controled and abused me and treated me like shit...i wasted time staying w/him, i went thru hell staying w/him, things would make your heads spin, i will share it sum day if i can get it down to a post rather then a BOOK lol He's not out of prison yet, his future is going to be prison again! He can't follow even the silly "stupid rules" He's on vacation. Having had been w/an abuser many many yrs ago, I thought i was smarter then letting that happen to me again, it happend over time and he was a master manipulator, so when dealing w/a master manipulator no matter where they reside it's hard to "not see it happening until it's too late"

I know i wrote a lot, but these are things that when ignoring red flags when it comes to an inmate, then of course we all know that there is many red flags when dealing w/relationships no matter where some1 resides!

Thanks for this.It seems my red falgs are the fact that he hates to be told what to do.He hates to follow rules.
I told him I will not put up with the carp he has done in the past anymore so we will see.
Sorry your not with your man anymore but glad it was not an awful parting.
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  #28  
Old 04-14-2012, 09:11 AM
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Major red flags for me were
1. Him putting drugs and friends over me.
2. Having a girl pregnant, when we met, then getting me and another chick pregnant around the same time totaling 3
3. He told me he loved me the whole time, he was just using me
4. Then we he goes to prison he ine day decides he wants me to be his wife, but the whole first year, all of his lies were coming out, the babies, all the women he slept around with while we were together.
I realized tht I was nothing to him, but at the same time I was the best he ever had.
I learned wht not to accept, and I also learned tht this is the type if man I will tell my daughter to stay away from.
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  #29  
Old 04-14-2012, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Zachary's Woman
Pisces gave it to us in the raw and I appreciate that. But the good thing is you came out of it stronger on the other side... Ok if you were so willing to be with the wrong person,,, just imagine how wonderful it will be when the right person comes along. In order for that to happen,, you gotta be willing to stop feeling sad,, stop being in fear and stop being in denial. Your feelings are not a bad thing. When the relationship stops working,, it usually means that someone has grown, someone is now ready to receive more and than the relationship can offer. Someone is ready to be loved, honored, appreciated and treated the way they are suppose to be treated. And it looks like that somebody is you... And if it is,,,, that means you are ready to say goodbye,,, ready to dry your eyes,,, and ready to let him go... GOOD GIRL,, I'M PROUD OF YOU!!!! WAYYYYYYY BIG UPS!!!!
Love what you said so much, I had never thought about it this way, but you are right, I am ready to be loved, honored and appreciated. Thank you for this post
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  #30  
Old 04-14-2012, 09:26 AM
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pisces317 , that was such a moving account of your struggles with that 'man'. Thank you so much for sharing, and I am so glad you are out of it now. I don't know you, but I know that all women deserve to be respected, especially those that put their life on hold for a man in prison. I wish you the very best.
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Old 04-14-2012, 12:11 PM
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yes everyone deserves respect even the bad guys should get respect despite their ways,i cant hate my aggressor no more then he should blame me for the pain who cause me.i wish for better endings and no more red FLAGS,no one should suffer cause they believe in supporting another person,it shouldnt be but it is and as such if things seem odd and your not feeling something communicate it to ur partner if HE/SHE CARES THEY'LL READJUST OR AT LEAST ADMIT TO THE PROBLEM AND WORK TOWARDS FIXING IT OR YOU JUST TURN A BLIND-EYE AND IT'S GETS TO WHERE I REACHED HAVING A NAUSEOUS FEELING WHEN I WAS GOING ON A VISIT MY STOMACH WOULD BE IN KNOTS NOT KNOWING WHAT TO EXPECT ,BE ON THE LOOK OUT DONT EVER THINK UR EXEMPT,OR HE LOVES YOU TOO MUCH HE'LL CHANGE LATA
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Old 04-14-2012, 05:27 PM
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Red flags on this side of the house:
1. Not trusting your own gut- even when it speaks loud and clear
2. Giving him ownership of you and your things- even when he hasn't earned them
3. Not listening to trusted friends and people who know when they tell you they see something wrong.
4. Always giving him the benefit of the doubt, even when you wouldn't hand that off to other people.
5. Giving and feeling sympathy for the sad stories from the "past", even when you see he uses it and lets sympathy for himself enable
him to cross boundaries

Realizing you are being played and moving on....... priceless!

Last edited by skellerton; 04-14-2012 at 05:32 PM..
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  #33  
Old 04-14-2012, 08:56 PM
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I just have to applaud you for what you have done! You are one super strong lady! You pulled yourself up by your "boot straps" and you are healing and moving on with your life! Thanks for sharing! God Bless!
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Old 04-15-2012, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by skellerton View Post
Red flags on this side of the house:
1. Not trusting your own gut- even when it speaks loud and clear
2. Giving him ownership of you and your things- even when he hasn't earned them
3. Not listening to trusted friends and people who know when they tell you they see something wrong.
4. Always giving him the benefit of the doubt, even when you wouldn't hand that off to other people.
5. Giving and feeling sympathy for the sad stories from the "past", even when you see he uses it and lets sympathy for himself enable
him to cross boundaries

Realizing you are being played and moving on....... priceless!
6. Ignoring the pieces of information his family and lawyers give you because you think you are the only one who is supporting him, without realising they care enough about you too.
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Old 04-15-2012, 07:34 AM
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Hey Ladies,,
To the Women Warriors that have endured, survived and came out on the other end stronger after the breakup, and NOW knowing hindsight is 20-20,, and now that the "Love Glasses' are off.... What were some of the "Red Flags" that you ignored or wrote off??? I ask this question because if 1 of your response can help any of us not to be heartbroked,, I'm SURE it would be GREATLY APPRECIEATED.
Women Warriors - I love it! Thank you and God Bless!
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Old 04-16-2012, 06:43 AM
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6. Ignoring the pieces of information his family and lawyers give you because you think you are the only one who is supporting him, without realising they care enough about you too.
Good Lord... that is definitely one that applied to my case!!
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Old 04-16-2012, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by akaptrosa View Post
I wore some "love glasses" when it came to the limitations his felon status would put on me, my family and our relationship. I was willing to accept the fact that he wouldn't be able to travel, pass any kind of security clearances, own firearms or vote. I suppose at the time of my prison relationship, those things didn't mean much to me, but now that I am with someone who is able to travel, own a gun, vote, chaperon kids field trips and so forth.... I'm really lovin' it! =)

Just think, you are able to pursue life without limitations put on you by another person! Best wishes to everyone!
This is so very true. My friend was/(is?) heavily invested in drugs (taking/selling/manufacturing) and if I were to be with him WHEN(?) he gets arrested again, my financial services career would go down in flames along with him. Something to keep in mind, for sure!
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Old 04-17-2012, 05:37 PM
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This is so very true. My friend was/(is?) heavily invested in drugs (taking/selling/manufacturing) and if I were to be with him WHEN(?) he gets arrested again, my financial services career would go down in flames along with him. Something to keep in mind, for sure!
I worked with a guy who, after getting out got financially hooked into drug business with other ex-cons(even though he swore he was done). He was seen in a photo along with lots of money and drugs, theother guy and the other guys' girl -all were happy about their stash and enjoying the big party of life... until it all went wrong and he killed both of them in a horrible way. No such thing as friends and no such thing as a girl who is in deep that is beyond getting caught up. Your career isn't the only thing you could have lost.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:18 PM
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I ignored lie after lie I almost made it seem like the lie was little but when you add all the lies up, they turned in to bigger things that I could have avoided.

He continued to get in trouble even while locked up, that should have told me right then and there he had not grown up or was trying to reform to make a better future for us.

His inconsiderate attitude. He asked me one time to send his cousin money that was in with him. Then when I use to go and visit him we would have real immature conversations. He sounded like he was just on vacation and really not caring that he was missing out on our 6 month old's life.

When he came home he showed just how childish he was he showed me a tattoo he had got of his baby mama's name a month after we got married. He hit me the first day he was out and his family had soo much drama going on. That first day he came home I knew I was never going to be in love with him and I should have left him alone then but I was already in revenge mode.
I was amazed myself with how much denial I had with my own dilemma. Even after all he has done, I am hurting so much inside. In my mind, all I remember are the good times, the good things about him that I know I'll never have again. Along with the good will come the bad, the whole package - and I want true love in my life...no time for lies, drama and all that, I am taking me back, so, he's gotta go. I saw many red flags, but, I ignored them, thought I could fix him. Can't believe I thought I was so wonderful that he would change for me...He didn't give a s**t about me. Just took what he wanted.

No more fixer uppers for me.

I want to warn you, though, when I read that you said you were already in "revenge mode", I was concerned. (a red flag came up) My dad told me that the best revenge is living well.

Revenge will only turn a bad situation worse. He or someone in his family could retaliate, and you may wind up in a situation that's even worse. Although I think it's normal to feel the urge for revenge, carrying it out is not. Cut your losses, turn around, and start a life without him. Spend as much time as you can with your precious baby. She will grow up fast, and you'll regret it if you miss this time with her. She is innocent and had no choice in who her parents were going to be. Well, I hope he gets better and grows up, but for her, now, that's one down. All she has is you.

You can turn away from his family also, if they do not treat your daughter (their own blood) well. Your job is to protect her, and to do whatever you can to make your lives better.

I know it hurts, the dream - the illusion- is over. it hurts really bad. Maybe you should find a professional to talk to. You can call social services in your community and may even get counselling for free. You don't have to - it's not for everyone...just an idea.

I'm just saying - take the high road. It will be lonely, but, I'm learning that a man cannot make me happy. I've decided to get all the negativity out of my life, (not always easy), maybe that sounds good to you too. Then, maybe one day, the good guy will come along...
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Old 06-07-2018, 12:26 PM
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I know Im bringing back the dead posting on a post so old but...

In my head I downplayed his juvenile offence. He knew it was wrong and regretted it but acted like he was just some dumb confused kid. Teenagers do stupid things but what he did was absolutely calculated and premeditated. I always knew he only regretted it because it might be the reason he never paroles.
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Old 06-07-2018, 01:35 PM
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I know I’m bringing back the dead posting on a post so old but...

In my head I downplayed his juvenile offence. He knew it was wrong and regretted it but acted like he was just some dumb confused kid. Teenagers do stupid things but what he did was absolutely calculated and premeditated. I always knew he only regretted it because it might be the reason he never paroles.
Actually, while this is an old post, it's not a bad one to revive. I think a lot of things could be learned from this.

I'm going to get a bit candid. I've talked privately with a few admins and mods about the down sides to my relationship with Dee. You'll usually hear me talk about things to celebrate and throw in a side of caution.

This might be in at least some ways the most negative thing I ever post here (though not entirely negative.) I don't do it to talk down about inmate relationships or post-prison relationships. I don't do it to speak ill of Dee or even myself. And no, this isn't a "relationship is over" thing either, but because red flags do put us in a position to question ourselves about our relationships and about whether or not to stay, I think it's appropriate.

I used to downplay Dee's offenses. I think, by telling myself that somehow she was different, that she was an "outlier," that she "cared more about her kids and her family than normal criminals do" and all that, it allowed me to ignore red flags and big bright red flashing lights.

By doing that, I recognize at this stage of my life that I was sending out some pretty significant red flags of my own to other people.

Dee comes with a series of red flags. She means well, yes. But I recognized to myself recently, when I looked at some of the down sides to our relationships....the woman I fell in love with tends to be a criminal at her core. It doesn't make her bad. It doesn't make her unloveable. But it's something I've had to come to terms with myself. Do I stay in a relationship with someone who I romanticized for, just maybe, something she is not? Or something that she is, but that what I acknowledged about her was only a small part of the total sum of the person she is?

We each make our own decisions going into these relationships. We continue to make them throughout. Our loved ones are, in many cases, damaged. That's okay. They are human. You don't have to love a criminal to love someone with red flags waving. But the reality is....everyone comes with some red flags. And we all ignore them. Or acknowledge them and brush them off. I think that's something that has to be considered when discussing red flags. If we blew off every red flag that came with every person, we'd quickly find ourselves alone and unable to connect to anyone.

I came to a conclusion.....red flags are everywhere. Dee's a criminal. She's an addict. She has severe mental health difficulties that become more apparent the longer I know her. And it puts me in this quandry, over and over again.

If I knew, 8 years ago (actually a little more, we first met in May of 2010,) everything I know now, would I have taken the same chances? Would I feel the same?

I don't know. And neither do any of us.

It's the risk we take when we fall in love with anyone. Criminal or otherwise. Our loved ones are not better or worse than anyone else out there. They may, in some cases, be more damaged, have more problems, have less-attractive tendencies.

But we are all human. We all have our limits and lines.

It is up to us to look within ourselves to know what is right for us. And to know where those limits and lines need to be drawn. And, if necessary, to be okay with getting out of a relationship when the time is right.

The first year Dee was out almost felt like a fairy tale. The last six months have been a bit of a shock to the system, frequently a reminder of the other side of things. The worst parts of Dee...at least as she is currently. At times I get angry and frustrated about it. And I'm not going to lie. Going my own way has crossed my mind. More than once. And I've certainly had people tell me to.

So why am I still here? Why haven't I left?

Because one night, in the midst of feeling empty and apathetic, I sat for hours going through the relationship in my mind. From Day 1. That first time I saw her. This beautiful creature walking into my life from seemingly nowhere. I actually went back before that, since obviously this far in I know her history, I've seen pictures...I've actually archived a lot of her old digital photos and videos. Her past. I put together the entire picture in my mind.

And then I looked at myself. Who am I? Why did I get into this? Why am I still here?

And ultimately...I saw that beautiful creature again. We weren't in a good place at that moment. So I texted her. And I said "I know things have been rough lately. I want you to know that you are as important to me today as you have been from the moment I met you. Even more so. I don't know if everything will be all right. But I do know that I'm not walking away."

And no, things haven't been perfect since. But we've found a new appreciation for each other in light of that. Dee's not one to open up and get emotional.....never has been. But for us....it broke a fresh cover of ice that had separated us emotionally. And I can't guarantee that it means we make it. But I can guarantee that I know, whether I'm with her in 5 years or we are on opposite sides of the planet because life takes us different ways, we will always be family. And I think.....that is huge.

We all come with red flags. Some people's flags are bigger than others.

And yes. Some of these folks in prison are, literally, just looking for ways to use and exploit people. It's survival.

And others don't know how to have a stable relationship because maybe they've never had one before. Maybe they don't know how to treat others well, and their response to kindness and compassion is to take advantage. Maybe they don't even realize they're doing it. I wouldn't doubt that there are some inmates who use and abuse people who love them, then when it's over are sad about it and try to understand why they did it...genuine remorse.

I'm still here because I looked at this imperfect, flawed, frustrating human being with about a million tendencies I don't like....and I realized that in spite of all of that, she opened up her life to me. She let me in. She put trust in me to be her love, her advocate, her knight. She made herself vulnerable with me in ways that she never made herself vulnerable with anybody else. And I came to realize that I was as imperfect, flawed and frustrating as she was in my own way. And yet somehow, she has brought out the best in me. Time and time again.

I've had a lot to process in the past six months. I haven't been around as much partially because at times I've been at a loss. But I'm here to say that yes, our loved ones, even the best among our loved ones, come with red flags. And sometimes that means "get out."

But not always.

I guess my ultimate point is.....whether it means the relationship is over or not.....when we come across those red flags, we need to, as yuliya has....to be able to look at our own roles in it. Because each of us plays a role. We didn't make them criminals. But we elect to bring them into our lives. Making one of these relationships work oftentimes takes a bigger heart, a bigger tolerance and a hell of a lot more understanding than just picking someone living a quote "normal" unquote life.

It's okay if it turns out our hearts, our tolerance and our understanding don't reach those levels.

For those who's relationships have failed, I'm sorry. I hope that you've found your peace and moved on.

For those who's are succeeding, congratulations, I hope that continues to be so.

And for those in the middle, which is where I kind of feel like I am at the moment....don't hesitate to question yourself, your motives, your own weaknesses and mindframes. But also don't be afraid to love them and give them what you feel you can. If it's going to work....it's going to work. If it isn't, it isn't. Just remember...we're all human at the end of the day.

-E
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Old 06-07-2018, 02:44 PM
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I think this is a good zombie thread to bring back to life.I think we can all learn a little from it.
My ex and I split a while ago but we stayed friends. I ignored some red flags because at my core I believed he would change. I understood his crime, I knew he had got into a fight defending his mother and in the heat of the moment he lost control and seriously hurt the guy. How many can stay they wouldnt have done the same thing? Some guy punching your elderly Mum in the face its provocation alright. He should have got a light sentence he didnt because of his past history he got 10 years and soon turned that into 11 years as his behaviour got out of control in there.
He reverted to type , fights were common place and he was in the SHU more than not.
I stood by him even though every visit was a new place he was transferred all over the FBOP one side of the country to the other and back.

I would beg him to calm down to stop so at least we had some stability that we could visit in the same place twice. It never stopped he was so involved in prison politics that he couldn't stop not for us and not for himself.

Our much longed for contact visits would turn into 1 hour behind glass and sometimes I wouldn't know until I got there.

I loved him and I thought he would change I didnt acknowledge the importance he was placing on prison politics and "his people", our relationship was never his priority.

I finally realised as I packed ready for a trip to visit him in Tucson Arizona and got a phone call to say he was in the SHU again and was being shipped out. I had to cancel everything due to his fight with someone who had disrespected his people.

I had had enough and I told him so. We could never work as he would always put us last. Our worlds just werent going to collide. I still love him as a friend and we talk frequently. I know he loves me he never conned me or used me , he was just himself. A bad boy who wasnt ready to change.
He was released in March this year only to be rearrested in April and he is now awaiting trial for several offences. I hate to say I was right but I am glad I didnt have our home coming only to lose him again.
Its so easy to ignore red flags if you want to but make sure you listen as they can save you a whole lot of heartache.
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  #43  
Old 06-13-2018, 04:05 PM
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RED FLAGS FOR ME:

1) Instant attachment and request to get phone account in 2nd letter. Too mushy/romantic of letters at the start. Fawning over my pictures and requesting more pictures.
2) Calls and letters dropped off after 2 months with no explanation until weeks later and contact was minimized more once my visitation questionnaire was approved.
3) Request for financial assistance and neglectful behavior after favor was done.
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  #44  
Old 06-13-2018, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
Actually, while this is an old post, it's not a bad one to revive. I think a lot of things could be learned from this.

I'm going to get a bit candid. I've talked privately with a few admins and mods about the down sides to my relationship with Dee. You'll usually hear me talk about things to celebrate and throw in a side of caution.

This might be in at least some ways the most negative thing I ever post here (though not entirely negative.) I don't do it to talk down about inmate relationships or post-prison relationships. I don't do it to speak ill of Dee or even myself. And no, this isn't a "relationship is over" thing either, but because red flags do put us in a position to question ourselves about our relationships and about whether or not to stay, I think it's appropriate.

I used to downplay Dee's offenses. I think, by telling myself that somehow she was different, that she was an "outlier," that she "cared more about her kids and her family than normal criminals do" and all that, it allowed me to ignore red flags and big bright red flashing lights.

By doing that, I recognize at this stage of my life that I was sending out some pretty significant red flags of my own to other people.

Dee comes with a series of red flags. She means well, yes. But I recognized to myself recently, when I looked at some of the down sides to our relationships....the woman I fell in love with tends to be a criminal at her core. It doesn't make her bad. It doesn't make her unloveable. But it's something I've had to come to terms with myself. Do I stay in a relationship with someone who I romanticized for, just maybe, something she is not? Or something that she is, but that what I acknowledged about her was only a small part of the total sum of the person she is?

We each make our own decisions going into these relationships. We continue to make them throughout. Our loved ones are, in many cases, damaged. That's okay. They are human. You don't have to love a criminal to love someone with red flags waving. But the reality is....everyone comes with some red flags. And we all ignore them. Or acknowledge them and brush them off. I think that's something that has to be considered when discussing red flags. If we blew off every red flag that came with every person, we'd quickly find ourselves alone and unable to connect to anyone.

I came to a conclusion.....red flags are everywhere. Dee's a criminal. She's an addict. She has severe mental health difficulties that become more apparent the longer I know her. And it puts me in this quandry, over and over again.

If I knew, 8 years ago (actually a little more, we first met in May of 2010,) everything I know now, would I have taken the same chances? Would I feel the same?

I don't know. And neither do any of us.

It's the risk we take when we fall in love with anyone. Criminal or otherwise. Our loved ones are not better or worse than anyone else out there. They may, in some cases, be more damaged, have more problems, have less-attractive tendencies.

But we are all human. We all have our limits and lines.

It is up to us to look within ourselves to know what is right for us. And to know where those limits and lines need to be drawn. And, if necessary, to be okay with getting out of a relationship when the time is right.

The first year Dee was out almost felt like a fairy tale. The last six months have been a bit of a shock to the system, frequently a reminder of the other side of things. The worst parts of Dee...at least as she is currently. At times I get angry and frustrated about it. And I'm not going to lie. Going my own way has crossed my mind. More than once. And I've certainly had people tell me to.

So why am I still here? Why haven't I left?

Because one night, in the midst of feeling empty and apathetic, I sat for hours going through the relationship in my mind. From Day 1. That first time I saw her. This beautiful creature walking into my life from seemingly nowhere. I actually went back before that, since obviously this far in I know her history, I've seen pictures...I've actually archived a lot of her old digital photos and videos. Her past. I put together the entire picture in my mind.

And then I looked at myself. Who am I? Why did I get into this? Why am I still here?

And ultimately...I saw that beautiful creature again. We weren't in a good place at that moment. So I texted her. And I said "I know things have been rough lately. I want you to know that you are as important to me today as you have been from the moment I met you. Even more so. I don't know if everything will be all right. But I do know that I'm not walking away."

And no, things haven't been perfect since. But we've found a new appreciation for each other in light of that. Dee's not one to open up and get emotional.....never has been. But for us....it broke a fresh cover of ice that had separated us emotionally. And I can't guarantee that it means we make it. But I can guarantee that I know, whether I'm with her in 5 years or we are on opposite sides of the planet because life takes us different ways, we will always be family. And I think.....that is huge.

We all come with red flags. Some people's flags are bigger than others.

And yes. Some of these folks in prison are, literally, just looking for ways to use and exploit people. It's survival.

And others don't know how to have a stable relationship because maybe they've never had one before. Maybe they don't know how to treat others well, and their response to kindness and compassion is to take advantage. Maybe they don't even realize they're doing it. I wouldn't doubt that there are some inmates who use and abuse people who love them, then when it's over are sad about it and try to understand why they did it...genuine remorse.

I'm still here because I looked at this imperfect, flawed, frustrating human being with about a million tendencies I don't like....and I realized that in spite of all of that, she opened up her life to me. She let me in. She put trust in me to be her love, her advocate, her knight. She made herself vulnerable with me in ways that she never made herself vulnerable with anybody else. And I came to realize that I was as imperfect, flawed and frustrating as she was in my own way. And yet somehow, she has brought out the best in me. Time and time again.

I've had a lot to process in the past six months. I haven't been around as much partially because at times I've been at a loss. But I'm here to say that yes, our loved ones, even the best among our loved ones, come with red flags. And sometimes that means "get out."

But not always.

I guess my ultimate point is.....whether it means the relationship is over or not.....when we come across those red flags, we need to, as yuliya has....to be able to look at our own roles in it. Because each of us plays a role. We didn't make them criminals. But we elect to bring them into our lives. Making one of these relationships work oftentimes takes a bigger heart, a bigger tolerance and a hell of a lot more understanding than just picking someone living a quote "normal" unquote life.

It's okay if it turns out our hearts, our tolerance and our understanding don't reach those levels.

For those who's relationships have failed, I'm sorry. I hope that you've found your peace and moved on.

For those who's are succeeding, congratulations, I hope that continues to be so.

And for those in the middle, which is where I kind of feel like I am at the moment....don't hesitate to question yourself, your motives, your own weaknesses and mindframes. But also don't be afraid to love them and give them what you feel you can. If it's going to work....it's going to work. If it isn't, it isn't. Just remember...we're all human at the end of the day.

-E
I've read your posts and I must say I love how you are. So candid and loving.
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  #45  
Old 06-14-2018, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Briele619 View Post
I've read your posts and I must say I love how you are. So candid and loving.
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback.

Being candid with oneself is necessary, I think, in getting through any of these relationships. And with knowing when to get out, should it become necessary. And the in-between....times when maybe you don't leave, but where you recognize you need to step back, for your own good, maybe for theirs....

The key to dealing with red flags, I've learned, is not about accepting someone in spite of them or rejecting someone because of them, but in being candid with yourself about what your own limits are and being honest with yourself and with them about limits and boundaries.

The main reason why you haven't read Dee and mine's "break-up story" here is because I determined a long time ago what my level of commitment was, where my boundaries were going to be, and where the lines were where I'd take a step back. Believe me, there were plenty of times and plenty of reasons why I could've written my own "it's over" story here the past 6 months. Just last night, though, she called me up, proud and happy about recent bonding she's done with her kids. I know a big part of why she's doing that and why she's in a position to do that is because of the role I've played in her life, and that a big part of why she can share that with me is that while I've bent and taken a few steps back along the way when necessary, I've maintained those lines and haven't broken.

I think there's an entirely different set of red flags for MWI than MBI, too, in that HOW we form our relationships are often different. I am not, mind you, saying that MBI or MWI is better, just that how we form relationships are different and often what we went through with our loved ones are different. Certainly, though, for an MWI, a new pen pal trying to get accounts set up too soon, asking for money quickly, asking you to bring contraband, asking you to involve yourself in passing messages, money, etc......red flags, and probably harder-hitting than in an MWI situation.
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Old 06-15-2018, 10:41 AM
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I think there's an entirely different set of red flags for MWI than MBI, too, in that HOW we form our relationships are often different. I am not, mind you, saying that MBI or MWI is better, just that how we form relationships are different and often what we went through with our loved ones are different. Certainly, though, for an MWI, a new pen pal trying to get accounts set up too soon, asking for money quickly, asking you to bring contraband, asking you to involve yourself in passing messages, money, etc......red flags, and probably harder-hitting than in an MWI situation.
Realized reading this...that last sentence is supposed to be "MBI situation" not "MWI situation." Just in case anyone read that and didn't understand.
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  #47  
Old 06-16-2018, 10:48 AM
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My two biggest things that I wish I hadn't ignored...
1. Past behavior is the biggest/best predictor of future behavior. For 10 years I tried to convince everyone that my man had changed.. that he had turned his life around. WRONG!! It took a few months but eventually he turned into the monster that I had heard the endless horror stories about.

2. When they show you who they are, believe them.

Don't make excuses for their bad behavior.

If they don't respect you inside..


they aren't going to respect you on the outside!!


I've been saying this so much in life, even on PTO and off line, and i know this old but great post is so true...
God bless us all. BE CAREFUL. DON'T ignore your gut neither, if it is telling us LADIES, something is:
>Feelin wrong.
>shady...
>Not right, when a guy you're investing or girl so much time into then it is probably true. Good luck to all 2018- and beyond. #Please do not ignore signs.
#TAAS(there are always signs) consistent positive/great behavior inside/and or MOST important toward you IS KEY, period. and Great communication/maturity/RESPECT...
ACTION...Without any of the aforesaid, it's a wrap..." RED FLAGS are clear... Up to you NOT to ignore them...adios."
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