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  #1  
Old 08-31-2003, 12:21 AM
not_unrealistic not_unrealistic is offline
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I was just wondering if anyone else was dealing with this problem. My boyfriend has been feeling really down lately, mainly because ever since he got sentenced his so-called friends have abandoned him, or as he says, left him for dead. He is so hurt because these are people that he was with all the time and he did so much for them and took care of them and now it's like, he's gone and they have just forgotten about him. How do you get through to people like this? Don't they understand that even though someone is locked up, they are still living and breathing and need support from the outside world. How hard is it to write a letter, send a couple of dollars, even visit? Sorry but I had to vent. It's hard for me to see my boo in pain. Any feedback would be appreciated.
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Old 08-31-2003, 12:49 AM
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Well, my guy has been locked up a little over thirteen years and in that time he has seen pretty much everyone disappear from his life except his family. Even I disappeared for ten years - by the time I came back in his life, I was (and am) pretty much the only one left from his past besides his family. I couldn't deal with what happened and that's why we were estranged for so long, but eventually I came around. Many of his friends did stay in his life for a while, but eventually they just kind of moved on. It's been hard for him, seeing people from his life just disappear like that, but as we have talked about many times, that tends to happen in non-incarcerated life too, people just move on.

However, I realize you are talking about people dropping out of his life almost immediately. As someone who did that with my guy, albeit unintentionally, I have the point of view on that from the side you are having trouble understanding, however, my story may well be lots different from theirs. My guy's case was kind of extreme - a murder sentence - and at the time I just absolutely could not deal with it, nor him, emotionally or mentally. There were also some underlying circumstances - things I blamed him for that weren't really his fault, things I was angry with him about - that kept me angry with him for a long time, years. (We were not in a romantic relationship at the time BTW, just best friends.)

I can tell you that my, and my ex's (who was his best friend as well) disappearance from his life was mostly unintentional. We never really intended to turn our backs on him, it just happened that way, for many reasons. It took me a while but eventually I came to terms with it, and him, and was ready to make contact again. Of course it hurt that I had been gone so long - but he knew I'd have to deal with it in my own way and if I came around it would be when the time was right for me. We both know, now, if I had made contact any earlier than I did, things probably would have been a lot different and not so good between us as they are now.

It is hard for me and hurts me, too, that so many people that did remain a part of his life after he got locked up have disappeared on him. I know that most of them didn't mean to and most of them it has probably never occurred to them that he has been so hurt by their disappearance and feels so forgotten by them all. The truth is, they DON'T really understand how it is and that's not really their fault... only our incarcerated loved ones and those of us who love them and deal with it all daily like we do really understand just how important that contact and support is. Some of them will probably come around in time, just like I did. Some of them may not. Try not to feel too terribly harshly towards them, tho... honestly, it's really just about impossible for anyone to truly understand unless they're right there where you and I and our loved ones are, dealing with it all as we do. I know for a fact several of those who my guy was close to and remained in touch with for some time after he went down would feel terrible if they knew how forgotten and abandoned he feels, but I know, and he knows, they just have no real comprehension of what it's like. He remembers exactly when they wrote him last; they are so busy with their own lives and probably have no idea it's been two years, or three years, or four or five, since they last wrote him. It's nothing against them - they just really don't know any better, it's as simple as that.

You're there for him and I know that means the world to him. Hang in there, take care, and {{{hug}}}

Lys
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  #3  
Old 08-31-2003, 04:02 AM
Rostonhall Rostonhall is offline
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My fiance found himself in exactly the same situation when he was sent to Death Row. All his family and friends(?) dropped out of his life, apart from his mother who stuck by him no matter what. His mother died nearly two years ago leaving him with no contact with the outside world whatsoever.

We were put together by a pen-pal organization here in England, which befriended those on Death Row, and it must have been like a breath of fresh air for Tony to now have someone in his life who would accept him for what he is and not the crime he was supposedly guilty of.

He told me about being abandoned by his family and friends and, although I was quite angry about it, he just accepted it as a part of being in prison. He gave all sorts of reasons like, they couldn't handle seeing a loved one on the Row for a murder he didn't do and saying their way was to ignore him. He said it was the only way they could deal with it. I understand his need to find a reason for being deserted but I'm sure deep down it really hurts.

His sister has since started writing to him, after an absence from his life of 12 years. I think that his having someone who believes in him and is willing to help him in any way has made her feel a little guilty about the way she's treated him. I don't know but I'm pleased for Tony, she's the only one left alive in his close family, everyone else has died, including his wife, while he's been locked up and he really needs to feel wanted.

I can't start to imagine what it's like for Tony and others to be deserted by everyone they ever loved or cared about. It must hurt so much. The fact that he's remained so strong and never given up hope of being released from this nightmare says a lot for his charecter. I'm sure I would have given up a long time ago.

As Lysbeth says, you're there for him and that will mean so much. You have to be strong and let him know you won't desert him. That will keep him going and see him through the tough times he has ahead.

Good luck to you both.

Rose
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Old 08-31-2003, 08:06 AM
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When my husband was arrested several of his friends AND his exwife came to the jail numerous times to support him. All of them said "you didn't do this. You would NEVER do anything like this. We're here for ya pal."

That was the last he saw or heard of any of them.

His dad and brother kept saying "we're going to get you a good lawyer."

They never did and now because he met me and has me in his life, they don't even have any contact with him.

Hang in there and just be there for him....show him that YOU care and eventually the others won't matter.

mrs. d
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Old 08-31-2003, 08:10 AM
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I always said, those are not true freinds.
It is the norm so to speak, once they are lock up, most lose every thing including their friends and familiy.
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Old 08-31-2003, 04:30 PM
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You can't make his "so called" friends write him but you can write him as much as possible. Just let him now you are there for him I'm sure that will bring a smile to his face.
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Old 08-31-2003, 05:22 PM
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I always used to tell James that the majority of his "friends" were not really friends even before he was accused and convicted of the crime. He was a big "pothead" and his "friends" still are. Some of my friends have stuck by him since his incarceration. He gets an occasional "Thinking of You" card from a few of my friends and my best friend has written him on a weekly basis. As far as his family goes his mother has stood by his side from day one. His brother is in his life only via telephone when James does call his moms house. He "says" he would visit James if he didn't have any felony charges against him. Well, we'll see, as in Florida, I think he can be approved for visits after his felony charges have passed over a year. James has been very thankful towards me for remaining by his side and i don't mind being by his side. Yvonne
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Old 08-31-2003, 06:05 PM
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I think a lot of people see this happen. During my man's first term, I was like the only one there for him. All of his so-called friends weren't there. After he got out and discahrged his number, he went back to his old lifestyle. All of his old homies were around of course. They wanted what they could get from him. They were never his true friends. Not one of them helped him when he was homeless living on the streets, but they were sure they when he had dope. Now that he is locked up even his cousin (who he helped get out of jail) doesn't keep his word and send him money. I continue to support him, and let him know I will always be here for him. Although he is done with his past ways, if he were to ever go back and see his old "so-called" friends, no doubt they would act like they missed him and are his true friends. Yeah right.

My advice would be to just send him more letters or little cards, or anything that lets him know you are there.
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Old 08-31-2003, 06:56 PM
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only one of our friends come to visit my husband, or write him. he only has me, and his mom and step-dad. but he says he understands, that people just get caught up in their own routine, their own lives. i know it still hurts, especially his so-called "best friend". i knew that guy wasn't his best friend when he was out! so i try to make things easier, sending cards and letters every 2-3 days, and jokes help! he writes me a couple of times a week and sends lots of cards too. sometimes he gets paranoid that i won't stick around, and sometimes i get tired of hearing that! but i know even though it's hard on me, at least i havve my freedom, (and PTO!!!). hopefully he won't waste his time in there and get whatever help he can while he can. he only went to the 8th grade and he's so excited because he's doing so good in his GED classes. he's learning who his real friends are....
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Old 08-31-2003, 10:36 PM
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I'm going to keep it short, but when u go to jail/ prison u se who your real friends are. Tito has been in for 3 years and in those 3 years the only persons who have gone to see him and be there for him are me and our kids.

Your friends/bf so called friends probably ditched him because they believe he is guilty of the crime he was charged with. But that just goes to show who you can count on when u really need them u know.

Try to cheer your boyfriend up as much as you can. write, send cards and pictures.
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Old 08-31-2003, 11:09 PM
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Whether the person is innocent or guilty--I think everyone else goes on with their life.... The only ones there for Bill 24/7 are Zach and I. Even our older kids have their lives... They ask about him and write him on holidays and birthdays and talk if he calls when I'm there. His parents visit every few months for a couple hours, don't write, and he calls them every couple weeks....

Write lots, have calls and visit as often as you can..... Hang in there!

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Old 09-01-2003, 01:12 AM
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Yep, pretty much same situation here. When he was out his friends would call us ALL DAY LONG and he gave them free tattoos. Since he has been locked up they've all called me and promised to help me with money on his books and attorney fees. I haven't heard from any of them since and I paid the attorney with my own money. This is when you realize who your true friends are.
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Old 09-01-2003, 09:52 AM
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Happened to my son, he would tell me to call his so called friends and ask them to please write him. I only called them once gave them his addy, and also got there addy so my son could write them, He keeps writing with no responce.
Gary tells me he doent think they are getting his letters because they dont write back, wanted me to call them again! No son they where never really your friends, its good to know that now because I know on the outside you would of gave your life for them almost did a few times.

He is hurting, I just hope he remember's when he gets out! those are friends he can do without.
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Old 09-01-2003, 05:03 PM
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Everyone abanded my friend also except for his family and me.
I hadn't spoke to my friend in years and we became very close then several months ago an ole drinking buddy came back and filled his head full of nonsense and even presuaded him that marriage was the answer.
They have been married a couple weeks and she hasn't been back to see him and his child is "VERY" upset with his dad.
I might be out of line but I believe if we the family all backed away and let her be his total contact that he would finally see the truth.
My friend made the comment that in times of trouble you find out who your "TRUE" friends are yet still he grasps.
I don't know what the answer is I go see my friend weekly and he ''ALWAYS" asks if the money I take is his folks
( which it is - they pay for gas and all -BUT FOR ME ONLY
yea I sneak money in and don't tell him that I did )
Only one time did I take my own and he wouldn't eat or drink. I don't know what his theory is but it pissess his wife off and his sister/brother-in-law.......
I LOVE my friend very much and I wish I knew the answer- he tells me that its not what is wrote it is the idea someone took the time and remembered him.
I pray for my friend everyday and his appeal will be submitted to the courts this week - the lawyer says we have "ONE" chance and one only and he intends to get him out I hope he does but if not I will continue to be there for him and planniing the celebration when he comes home.:fb:

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Old 09-02-2003, 03:22 PM
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I guess this is a lot more common that I thought. My husband took care of everyone while he was on the streets...oh, his community just LOVED him...he made sure that they all had whatever they needed...that was in 1996 and before that...we are now in 2003...guess what, folks? Not only did his so-called friends abandon him, but his wife at the time did too.

I used to make excuses for these people in my mind. I think it made me feel better. I think different people have different reasons for leaving their loved ones all alone in there. But my husband's crime had nothing to do with his friends or family, so in my opinion, they are all punks for letting him waste away. Before we met, he had NO outside contact for 4 years! No letters, no visits...his mom will accept his calls every once in a while.

I have to drive by his hometown as I leave my home to get to the prison. His old town is only an hour away from the prison. My children and I drive at least 3 or 4 hours one way to see him...and as I drive by his old town, I can't help but get angry at all those people.

And, then Spirit puts me in check, and I realize that I'm the only one suffering. My husband forgave all of them years ago. And, I too, need to forgive, if only for my heart's sake. So many people there owe him money, some even their lives.

But, my husband was blessed for his forgiveness...he got me. And that's one of the many reasons I love him so much! He can have a forgiving heart even in the midst of that madness.

Gosh, now I need to begin that healing process too.
Wendy
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Old 09-02-2003, 03:41 PM
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My husband was a very sociable man before he went in. He was always the first one invited to a part. He made the party. Once he was started his bid, all his friends fell away. Suddenly, his life is not at all what it once was. He has a whole different set of acquaintences. Our marriage isnt even what it once was. It is all about the bounce. When you fall, you got to bounce. You cant stay down.
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Old 09-02-2003, 03:51 PM
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This is so funny cuz i was just thinking bout all the people that have been there for my husband during this time - his family doesn't write, visit anything - he makes excuses for them saying their busy etc etc but it's not that hard to sit down and write a lil letter to see how he's doing - it pisses me off greatly - i have a million and one things going on as well but i find the time everyday to write him a letter - you would just think family would be there in a time like this
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