Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

anon_co_FL · #1 07-26-2012, 01:17 PM

Greetings all, I am a gay male CO in FL USA 6 years into my career. I am a very fair, honest, caring, hardworking kind of guy, not one of those jerk COs that you hear about from your sons/husbands. Inmates are happy to see me cover their dormitory and talk freely with me about their personal life, and what is happening inside the fence as well. However I keep my personal life out of those conversations, I don't think it's appropriate due to my job, not to mention it may cause some inmates tension if they found out about what sex I was attracted to. I generally enjoy my job, my only problems are staff related. I do get ridiculed by some staff due to the fact that I am gay, and I guess they think I come to work to have sex with inmates, but those that know me know I am a good CO.

So, now to my problem...About 5 months back, I was approached by a very attractive male inmate, that over the course of about 5 days, made it clear that he was gay, attracted to me, and wanted to meet up for a date after he was released. He was very careful about how he went about asking me, he wasn't 100% sure about my sexuality and wanted to figure it out before being so upfront with me. Once I understood what his intentions were, I aat sked him where he got the "balls" to ask me that, and I reminded him that I could (and should) have locked him away in confinement for trying to establish a personal relationship with staff. He basically said he knew I wouldn't do that, and he was right. Thinking back about him, he had actually been trying to talk to me for almost a year about it, but I was so oblivious that I did not recognize it. He is extremely masculine, I never would have expected him to be into guys, I actually thought he was possibly Aryan Brotherhood from his appearance and demeanor with other inmates. Of course he had to keep up a tough looking appearance due to being incarcerated.

So, he came out and made his intentions clear just about 2 weeks before he knew he would be transferring to another prison. I am very glad actually because I am now not forced to see him everyday and run the risk of something inappropriate happening. I was pretty much just going to ignore the situation, but during that time we talked a for brief amounts of time and I got to know him a little better that I already did. He has a baby boy, and said that he would like us to be together as a family. At that point, I knew I did want to pursue something with him, at least a date once he was out. I have always wanted a son, and this is the only opportunity I have ever had to have one that comes along with an attractive, funny, cool guy at the same time. It will more than likely be the only opportunity for this as well in my lifetime.

He asked me to write him once he transferred, and I refused, telling him that I could lose my job which I need badly. He gave me his mother's phone number and told me not to forget about him and practically begged for me to just write him. I have yet to make that phone call because I am so scared about the breach of my moral values and potential consequences. I have not wrote either, since correspondence is forbidden between staff and inmates. I never, in a million years would have thought I would be in this situation. When I go to work, I turn my sexuality off, I don't stare at guys in the shower, I don't seduce inmates, and he is the only one ever to even find out that I like men, that part of me stays outside the gate.

I can't seem to get him out of my head no matter what, and I am sure I want to at least meet him once he is out. I've been debating on getting a PO Box and corresponding with him under a pseudonym, but very worried about the consequences if DOC finds out. I'm not even sure if it would be possible to receive mail if it wasn't addressed to me since here it requires at least 2 forms of ID and a local address to get a PO Box.

So at this point, I have not done anything wrong...we have never touched even, I don't recall every doing a pat search on him either. The worst thing so far is that I did not put handcuffs on him when he said he wanted to take me out to dinner once he was out, and of course accepting his mother's phone number. I need some advice on what to do. I really want a son and a partner to raise one with, always have, and I am very attracted to this guy. I'd really like to hear from other COs as well.

**Patty** · #2 07-26-2012, 01:28 PM

I have no issue with two consenting adults pursuing a relationship, even of the CO/Inmate variety. I do however, take issue with your consideration of corresponding with him illegally. If what you have told us is true this is in opposition to your own values which is a problem in and of itself. I believe that the very best thing that any of us can do for our friends, family, and significant others is to lead by example.

One thing I've learned along the road of life is that IF something is supposed to happen it WILL in fact happen. Down the road, you and he and his son would be much happier if the journey were built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and patience. Best of luck.

ilovecoffee · #3 07-26-2012, 08:38 PM

Well I would hate to see you lose your job.You seem like a pretty by the book kind of guy. Maybe you should just keep an eye out for when he is relased than maybe contact him?

Needing Chris · #4 07-27-2012, 12:32 AM

I agree with Ilovecoffee... I think you should wait. And if you really feel that strongly nothing will change. I wouldn't risk my job either because with many of these relationships..MWI or met outside.. you just don't know how things will work. Stay focused on your career keep an eye out for his release date and maybe call up Moms and get some background on him in the meantime... BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!!

beanbag · #5 07-27-2012, 01:48 AM

Relationships are risky gambles, and jobs are hard to come by in this economy and you have a good job. I'd choose wisely.

SinCityKitty · #6 07-27-2012, 01:55 AM

Hmm, tough situation for sure. BUT the heart wants what the heart wants.

With that, I agree with the previous poster. I think you should not directly contact him HOWEVER I think you should most definitely contact his mother. After all, she's not the incarcerated individual and you wouldn't be breaking any code of conduct, right?

She can pass along to your guy that you made the effort to find out how he's doing, but due to your career of choice, you cannot contact him directly. I'm sure he will understand that, but at the same time be completely elated that you reached out.

Wishing you the very best of luck & please keep us posted.

Sent from my iPhone using PrisonTalk

TDCJ hand · #7 07-27-2012, 03:21 AM

I know in Tx, you are not allowed to correspond or develope ANY kind of relationship with an offender's family members. I would think Fl would also have a regulation along those lines.

**LeBeau** · #8 07-27-2012, 07:33 AM

Sugar, I'm sorry you're in this ungodly dilemma but the big picture is this:

You need your job and you're apparently good at it.

This fellow is NOT the only "attractive, funny, cool guy " around and no relationship comes with any certainty.

My suggestion is this: Do nothing. Do not maintain contact, do not invest yourself in this prospect and, for the love of God, do not allow yourself to become invested in the idea of being his son's step dad.

Develop a broader social life, date casually and as often as you can (to be clear, I do mean "date" not sleep around) and see what happens in your life..... if you're still single and still interested when this guy is out and no longer forbidden fruit or a serious menace to your career, THEN go out with him.... moving slowly and cautiously and making no big leaps into committment.

There are way too many factors here complicating the situation and I think your best bet for your future happiness and well being is to wait until the dust settles and THEN look again.

GDDM1985 · #9 07-27-2012, 08:29 AM

Like everyone else, I'll say it's probably a better idea not to talk to him... It's too much of a risk and you have a lot to lose. I think deep down you know this, which is why you asked the question in the first place. However, I have a feeling you are going to contact him anyways. Why? Because, sometimes the heart is more powerful than the mind. There is a chance this guy is out to scam you, there is a chance he is not even gay, etc. We hear these stories all the time. But there is also a chance he is genuine. It's a 50/50 chance, just like any other relationship out there. There are no guarantees in life, and a MWI situation is no different. You just have to weigh the pros and cons, then throw that list up in the air and follow your heart.

TyronesWife · #10 07-27-2012, 08:39 AM

Do not contact him or his family member(s) while he is incarcerated and you are employed. You will get you fired if found out. During my years with DOC I saw many people get fired for just those things. Wait until he is out or you have left.

anon_co_FL · #11 07-27-2012, 12:39 PM

Thank you for all the responses.

TDCJ hand - Yes, in FL it is also against the rules to contact any family.

Most of you seem to say the same thing, wait and then contact after he's out, and you are probably right. It is not easy to find a new job that pays decent right now, and I would hate to lose my house and have my life crumble away for something so risky. He only has 6 months left, so I should just sit tight. I really would like to contact his mother so she could pass word on that I am thinking about him, something I am going to have to think awhile on. Maybe I should just step back for a bit and try to rationalize. It's just six months, I know where he will be when he gets out, so I will be able to contact him. He did understand how freaked out I was about the whole situation, so maybe he knows I won't be making that call or writing anyway. I'm going to sit and think on it a couple of weeks, thanks everyone. I will update if anything changes.

anon_co_FL · #12 09-02-2012, 01:18 PM

Just wanted to give an update:

I have resisted the urge to contact him or his family still. It sucks pretty bad, been having dreams about him and think about him quite a bit. A little over 3 months to go before release, I think I can tough it out.

StayShort · #13 09-02-2012, 01:28 PM

Three months will fly by. It might not seem like it now but it will. Good luck until then.

xanthra · #14 09-02-2012, 05:03 PM

You sound like a very nice, methodical, caring person. You know better than any of us what the legal remifications will be even contacting him when he gets out. The obvious ones like him being on parole if indeed he is, contact with you in any circumstances. You know the law and how that would affect your job.
The discovery by law enforcement in your prison or contacts he has to keep when he is out of your relationship might be not worth the price. You alone know what is legal and what is not.
You are in a very delicate situation. Try and think first of yourself and what losing your job or anyopportunity to every have a job in DOC ever again would affect you.
Be darn careful posting.......online......never give out the facility you work at.....on this site or any other!

sojuma11 · #15 09-02-2012, 05:14 PM

Could you possibly pursue another career? And if that's not an option, does he have a significant amount of time left that would make it unreasonable for you to wait?

CenTexLyn · #16 09-02-2012, 05:23 PM

concur with a few of the other comments in more than one way. Unless the release is an outright discharge (ie. expiration of the sentence), then the rules of supervision continue to place them under the umbrella of agency supervision, which means that even though they are on the streets, you may still be precluded from any sort of relationship.

Further, there has been a move towards some agencies taking umbrage at their employees having ANY contact with a person that served time, the exception being immediate family or where there was a marital/significant relationship prior to the felony having been committed.

It IS a delicate situation, and one must be careful to remain within the parameters of the Employee Rules of Conduct. Losing a government job is not something easily explained to future prospective employers...most people know it isn't easy to get fired from government work.

HiLoVe · #17 09-03-2012, 09:58 AM

I would say even when he is out...I would go very cautiously. He can always turn around and lie on you to your job. Please be careful!!

yme6995 · #18 09-27-2012, 12:36 AM

There is also probably something in your disciplinary code of conduct that states that you can have no contact with an offender until they've been off paper a minimum of three years...or something to that affect. You need to know exactly how the rules and regulations are written for your state because it can go bad very quickly if you're not careful.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

schatzie73 · #19 09-27-2012, 07:23 AM

Just be forwarned that if the need arises and they investigate it, even if you use a "false" name they will threaten to do fingerprints and a handwriting analysis...I know from experience...just play it safe

Quote:

Originally Posted by anon_co_FL

Greetings all, I am a gay male CO in FL USA 6 years into my career. I am a very fair, honest, caring, hardworking kind of guy, not one of those jerk COs that you hear about from your sons/husbands. Inmates are happy to see me cover their dormitory and talk freely with me about their personal life, and what is happening inside the fence as well. However I keep my personal life out of those conversations, I don't think it's appropriate due to my job, not to mention it may cause some inmates tension if they found out about what sex I was attracted to. I generally enjoy my job, my only problems are staff related. I do get ridiculed by some staff due to the fact that I am gay, and I guess they think I come to work to have sex with inmates, but those that know me know I am a good CO.

So, now to my problem...About 5 months back, I was approached by a very attractive male inmate, that over the course of about 5 days, made it clear that he was gay, attracted to me, and wanted to meet up for a date after he was released. He was very careful about how he went about asking me, he wasn't 100% sure about my sexuality and wanted to figure it out before being so upfront with me. Once I understood what his intentions were, I aat sked him where he got the "balls" to ask me that, and I reminded him that I could (and should) have locked him away in confinement for trying to establish a personal relationship with staff. He basically said he knew I wouldn't do that, and he was right. Thinking back about him, he had actually been trying to talk to me for almost a year about it, but I was so oblivious that I did not recognize it. He is extremely masculine, I never would have expected him to be into guys, I actually thought he was possibly Aryan Brotherhood from his appearance and demeanor with other inmates. Of course he had to keep up a tough looking appearance due to being incarcerated.

So, he came out and made his intentions clear just about 2 weeks before he knew he would be transferring to another prison. I am very glad actually because I am now not forced to see him everyday and run the risk of something inappropriate happening. I was pretty much just going to ignore the situation, but during that time we talked a for brief amounts of time and I got to know him a little better that I already did. He has a baby boy, and said that he would like us to be together as a family. At that point, I knew I did want to pursue something with him, at least a date once he was out. I have always wanted a son, and this is the only opportunity I have ever had to have one that comes along with an attractive, funny, cool guy at the same time. It will more than likely be the only opportunity for this as well in my lifetime.

He asked me to write him once he transferred, and I refused, telling him that I could lose my job which I need badly. He gave me his mother's phone number and told me not to forget about him and practically begged for me to just write him. I have yet to make that phone call because I am so scared about the breach of my moral values and potential consequences. I have not wrote either, since correspondence is forbidden between staff and inmates. I never, in a million years would have thought I would be in this situation. When I go to work, I turn my sexuality off, I don't stare at guys in the shower, I don't seduce inmates, and he is the only one ever to even find out that I like men, that part of me stays outside the gate.

I can't seem to get him out of my head no matter what, and I am sure I want to at least meet him once he is out. I've been debating on getting a PO Box and corresponding with him under a pseudonym, but very worried about the consequences if DOC finds out. I'm not even sure if it would be possible to receive mail if it wasn't addressed to me since here it requires at least 2 forms of ID and a local address to get a PO Box.

So at this point, I have not done anything wrong...we have never touched even, I don't recall every doing a pat search on him either. The worst thing so far is that I did not put handcuffs on him when he said he wanted to take me out to dinner once he was out, and of course accepting his mother's phone number. I need some advice on what to do. I really want a son and a partner to raise one with, always have, and I am very attracted to this guy. I'd really like to hear from other COs as well.