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Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

View Poll Results: Waiting
How many of you will wait the sentence full term? 215 88.84%
Have you cheated? 9 3.72%
Are you thinking of about to cheat? 10 4.13%
Do you already have someone? 8 3.31%
Voters: 242. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 11-27-2011, 03:59 PM
MsPrettiJackson MsPrettiJackson is offline
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Question Why do we wait for these men whether it's our husband or boyfriend???

Wives & Longtime Girlfriends: I would like to know some feedback on "WHY" do we wait for these men? What does this say about us as women and as our character? Why do we often hide that are husband or long time boyfriend is in prison? What makes us wait?

For the WIVES (because I am a wife): Do you really wait and not have any sex or compassionate relations with the opposite sex (another man)? So when our husbands have 15 years or more how do you cope? Do you make him seem as though he is the only one but tend to cheat knowing that there is no definite date on when he is coming home?

I ask because my husband is doing 15 years and he comes up for parole in 7 (2018). However we were married before he went in and I love him and I am in love with him. But sometimes I am unsure if I will wait that time period because 7 years is a long time. And he looks at it as though its not forever and this is very "first" offense for agg robb w/dead weapon, but 7 years to me is forever. So am I wrong for being REALISTIC because he puts emotions in it and I DON'T I'm always realistic about the situation. I have not put myself in situations to cheat because I went before GOD, However, I don't think I will make this 7 year stretch in which I told him that already. I don't know whether to get myself out of this marriage or just wait!!! I'm 38 (45 when he comes home) & he is 26 (33 when he comes home). But he wants his marriage and he crys and just carries on because he was in love with me before he even went in. I just want to understand why do we do this what does this say about us as women or as a person. I guess I'm just having a moment and want to get some response on women who relate...Thanks so much...
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  #2  
Old 11-27-2011, 04:18 PM
keepthefaith8 keepthefaith8 is offline
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I think it says that we are loyal to this frienship or realationship we build with these guys. Alot of people may not understand but ive learned somethings in life aren't meant for others to understand if they aren't living the life or going through the life as we each are. Living,crying,writing, and breathing for the man on the inside praying for his soul and early release.
Not many ladies in this day and age can wait for anything esp for some one who is in prison for 5 years our more......and may be even Lwop. It says something about the strenght as a woman like how some decide to go all natural with no drugs to have a child. It takes a special kind of woman to wait on a husband,brother,boyfriend,or in my case a friend. Its alot of lonely nights and holidays, but just as purple over seas need support people in prison need it as well. We wait because whoever we may be choosing to wait for its truly worth waiting it out for. All these reasons and more are why we wait.....why we CHOOSE TO WAIT, then forget about them because they aren't living the free life as we are day in & day out. Its like would you not support a soldier in a war zone just cause he is in a war? NO! Just like we aren't going to not support our husbands,brothers,boyfriends,and friends just cause they are locked in a prison.

This is why we wait or should I say live life the way we do. Anything worth having its worth fighting for .
ITS WORTH THE SCARIFICE.

Last edited by keepthefaith8; 11-27-2011 at 04:51 PM..
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  #3  
Old 11-27-2011, 04:37 PM
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I dont mean to wait.

Im not one of the noble, strong women on here.

I dont wait. This IS our relationship. It just is how it is.

We dont ask Army wives why they wait.

I dont wait. (im one of the minority who admit it) but no one compairs to him. No one else is him.
First trip I had a boyfriend. It was crule to him because he never fully had my heart. It was locked in a cell no matter how I tried to live in denial.
Ive had a "friend" but the "friend" got attached to me & when Cotton came home my "friend" tried to beat up Cotton because he didnt want me to leave him for our family. I hurt my friend....
Now I Go for coffee, dinner what ever but I go home alone. I talk on the phone to Cotton 3 times a day & see him 3 times a week (15 min at a time)
(im crying now)
I am not waiting for a relationship.
I am not waiting for my man.
I HAVE a man
I HAVE a relationship.
My life IS NOT on hold.
IT JUST IS
If you had the love I have with Cotton you would understand.
Each relationship is different. I cant speak for the strong women who wait.
I can only tell you he is part of the fabric of my soul.
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  #4  
Old 11-27-2011, 04:48 PM
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Why do I wait... Cause he is my husband n I love him very much.

Last edited by Davidswifey11; 11-27-2011 at 04:56 PM..
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Old 11-27-2011, 04:58 PM
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I'm in early days of a 15-L sentence, no early anything. I am not a wife. Sometimes I wish I was, I think it would be more understandable, maybe. I don't feel we are "waiting" for much except the bucket list type plans we have, together, and sex. Our relationship isnt stagnant. It's not on hold. It's constantly evolving and growing, as if we were out here. Obviously we are missing parts that would enhance it. People go through life missing the emotional bond and have the physical, this is just a different variation on a relationship. I do not date others, I don't currently feel the need to. I am completely emotionally satisfied. I did say its early days and we are not married. If we got family visits then I'd have 99% certainty that this is doable. The last percent is for death etc. we won't get fv so that will always be a lost part for now. Just today we had a good talk and part included how willing we are to go with this, wherever it will lead. Who's to say something miraculous won't occur in a year or 5 or whenever. His life was fantastic, then wham gone! Things change in an instant and I feel loved and able to love him so we will do it one day at a time. When your dating or even married you don't say "hmmm, I my not make it 20 yrs, sorry I'm out" we want it but we will take every moment we are given.
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  #6  
Old 11-27-2011, 05:04 PM
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Bill has been in our entire adult life and is only 13 years in on a 28 year sentence.. I didnt and dont wait... My life is not on hold... Like he says He loves me but does not own me and I have needs.. He says im not obligated to him... But we know very much where his and my heart are... and they are together... I have set my self a time line ... when he is down to 1 year then I will cut off all crazy stuff and be his and his alone... I will be the one to bring him home.. cause where ever i am to him is home

*** although since having him back in my life the urge to date others or txt back or talk at the bar to other men.... just isnt there... we still have a long wait*********
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keepthefaith8
I think it says that we are loyal to this frienship or realationship we build with these guys. Alot of people may not understand but ive learned somethings in life aren't meant for others to understand if they aren't living the life or going through the life as we each are. Living,crying,writing, and breathing for the man on the inside praying for his soul and early release.
Not many ladies in this day and age can wait for anything esp for some one who is in prison for 5 years our more......and may be even Lwop. It says something about the strenght as a woman like how some decide to go all natural with no drugs to have a child. It takes a special kind of woman to wait on a husband,brother,boyfriend,or in my case a friend. Its alot of lonely nights and holidays, but just as purple over seas need support people in prison need it as well. We wait because whoever we may be choosing to wait for its truly worth waiting it out for. All these reasons and more are why we wait.....why we CHOOSE TO WAIT, then forget about them because they aren't living the free life as we are day in & day out. Its like would you not support a soldier in a war zone just cause he is in a war? NO! Just like we aren't going to not support our husbands,brothers,boyfriends,and friends just cause they are locked in a prison.

This is why we wait or should I say live life the way we do. Anything worth having its worth fighting for .
ITS WORTH THE SCARIFICE.
***Thank you for reassuring me and just understanding where I'm coming from, because I Always second guess myself wondering if I'm doing the right thing. He is well worth waiting, he taught me new love that I thought was going to never happen and he taught me to trust and HE TRULY LOVES ME and the best man, but sometime this road is so emotional and shaky and I get into my feelings and my mind tends to wonder and go into a negative world spin, but I ONLY crave my husband. And your right about praying for his soul and his early release. So thank you for your honest response...
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  #8  
Old 11-27-2011, 07:15 PM
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I met m'love after he was already incarcerated. Initially, in the beginning of our relationship, he told me he would understand if I "hooked up" with other dudes, as long as 1. I used protection, and 2. I was honest with him about it, and 3. that I don't catch feelings for anyone else. I did meet up with another guy a few times, and I was honest with him about it. He was sad, but not angry...he understood he had 10 years on his bid still, and I had "needs." The last time was 3 years ago....and that was before I was a Muslim.

As a Muslim, premarital sex is prohibited...but even if it wasn't, I still would not be with another man now. I love my guy with all of my heart. I feel bad that my previous actions hurt him, even though he never was angry or upset with me over it...I know it still hurt him to some extent.

I am not putting my life on hold for him....I'm still going to school, I am working toward moving to KS this summer, I am Pres of the Islamic club on my campus, I go camping, hiking, to the gym, etc. Just because I'm not having sex does not mean my life is lacking substance....sex is important, but not so important that I need it to survive the next 5+ years, and is something that I can wait for til my love comes home to me. The wait...the anticipation...will make it that much better.

*EDIT to add: I am not ashamed of where m'love is; I don't hide the fact that he is in prison. If people ask where he is or why, I tell them.

M'love still tells me that if I ever change my mind and want to be with someone else (physically), he'd understand, but I won't. And IF (huge IF) I did, I'd respect him enough and have the courage to be honest about it...it's the least he deserves. *
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  #9  
Old 11-27-2011, 07:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by agoodwoman318
I dont mean to wait.

Im not one of the noble, strong women on here.

I dont wait. This IS our relationship. It just is how it is.

We dont ask Army wives why they wait.

I dont wait. (im one of the minority who admit it) but no one compairs to him. No one else is him.
First trip I had a boyfriend. It was crule to him because he never fully had my heart. It was locked in a cell no matter how I tried to live in denial.
Ive had a "friend" but the "friend" got attached to me & when Cotton came home my "friend" tried to beat up Cotton because he didnt want me to leave him for our family. I hurt my friend....
Now I Go for coffee, dinner what ever but I go home alone. I talk on the phone to Cotton 3 times a day & see him 3 times a week (15 min at a time)
(im crying now)
I am not waiting for a relationship.
I am not waiting for my man.
I HAVE a man
I HAVE a relationship.
My life IS NOT on hold.
IT JUST IS
If you had the love I have with Cotton you would understand.
Each relationship is different. I cant speak for the strong women who wait.
I can only tell you he is part of the fabric of my soul.
NO ONE ELSE IS HIM I AGREE WITH YOU!!! His contact visits reassure me all the time but I just think realistically that our marriage may end although all he wants his wife, but we will see what life brings....thank you for your honesty and response.
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:20 PM
MsPrettiJackson MsPrettiJackson is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Davidswifey11
Why do I wait... Cause he is my husband n I love him very much.
Thank you for the reassurance....Sometimes I get so mad and I tend to hate and love him at the same time....just frustrated that's all....He said he will pray and ask god to work on me some more..
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachhouse
I'm in early days of a 15-L sentence, no early anything. I am not a wife. Sometimes I wish I was, I think it would be more understandable, maybe. I don't feel we are "waiting" for much except the bucket list type plans we have, together, and sex. Our relationship isnt stagnant. It's not on hold. It's constantly evolving and growing, as if we were out here. Obviously we are missing parts that would enhance it. People go through life missing the emotional bond and have the physical, this is just a different variation on a relationship. I do not date others, I don't currently feel the need to. I am completely emotionally satisfied. I did say its early days and we are not married. If we got family visits then I'd have 99% certainty that this is doable. The last percent is for death etc. we won't get fv so that will always be a lost part for now. Just today we had a good talk and part included how willing we are to go with this, wherever it will lead. Who's to say something miraculous won't occur in a year or 5 or whenever. His life was fantastic, then wham gone! Things change in an instant and I feel loved and able to love him so we will do it one day at a time. When your dating or even married you don't say "hmmm, I my not make it 20 yrs, sorry I'm out" we want it but we will take every moment we are given.
***Well said!!! I knew his situation going in and wayyy before marrying him and I promised to love and be there for him before we even got married. I just feel at times I want out but when he calls and he's stationed at his prison 10 minutes away from where we live and we have contacts visit, which I reassuring of my love for him. And you are right about we don't have the emotional and physical love that we oh so long for. But when I see other couples I get so upset cause I alwYs feel he suppose to be here.
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clara h
Bill has been in our entire adult life and is only 13 years in on a 28 year sentence.. I didnt and dont wait... My life is not on hold... Like he says He loves me but does not own me and I have needs.. He says im not obligated to him... But we know very much where his and my heart are... and they are together... I have set my self a time line ... when he is down to 1 year then I will cut off all crazy stuff and be his and his alone... I will be the one to bring him home.. cause where ever i am to him is home

*** although since having him back in my life the urge to date others or txt back or talk at the bar to other men.... just isnt there... we still have a long wait*********
Well keep me posted if you wait. Is he your husband or long term friend? Because as a long term friend your not required to wait or put your life on hold, so you can freely do what you want but if he's your husband Are you going to wait?
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:33 PM
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I should add that those of us that choose to wait...it shows great strength, respect (for their mate and for their relationship), commitment (which is what marriage is about...a commitment to our mate, "in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad"), and loyalty....all of which are positive traits in a person.
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Jeg lærer dansk (for et år) og norsk (for ti uger).

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Old 11-27-2011, 07:44 PM
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MsPrettiJackson you are not the only one who feels the way you described cos i do and I'm sure many others do. My boyfriend and I got together as a couple while he was already incarcerated. He has been in prison for 3 years this February and I have been with him for 6 and a half months. I met him a few times before his incarceration so my cousin brought me along to a visit. At first all I wanted was friendship but sure enough we both developed feelings for one another. We became a couple and at first I could not get my head around the whole situation. At times I still wonder why when I know he has 14 years but as other ladies have mentioned, we love them. Our love for them is tested and pushed but we are determined to make it strong enough to overcome all odds. No one else is him as somebody else mentioned. We become somewhat use to the situation that we are in but we keep striving for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There's a quote by Malika Oufkir (she was incarcerated for 24 years) "some people were born to live, others were born to wait" and I think that can relate to our relationships. Why we do it is sometimes so close to taste but too far to touch but we do it! We all have the love and support of PTO to help us and that makes things a lot easier.

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Last edited by elishaxo; 11-27-2011 at 07:46 PM..
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:58 PM
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I dont wait for my man I still live my life. I go out I celebrate with family and friends. I am saving myself for my man though. Just my feelings is if you give yourself to someone and commit yourself to him. As a respect for myself and my man I will only give myself to him. When we met I was in deep depression and he helped me out of that. He taught me what real courage, compassion, loyalty and he trust me. I give him my love and support. He is the man that I have been looking for all of my life. I have had terrible boyfriends I was not looking for a relationship but my love gave me more than that. He has touched my heart with his words on paper I only belong in his arms. I can not judge anyone else what they do but I stand by my mans side proudly. I tell everyone about my man and where he is. My man has so much courage, he is so smart he has my heart and my soul. I just love a man who happens to be in prison.

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Old 11-27-2011, 08:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsPrettiJackson View Post
Well keep me posted if you wait. Is he your husband or long term friend? Because as a long term friend your not required to wait or put your life on hold, so you can freely do what you want but if he's your husband Are you going to wait?


I am not his wife... but would be... We have been in and out of a relationship since we were 14... I will stand by him while he is gone and be his and only his when he is free... but till then I will stand by him and choose to live the life put ahead of me... I feel like I have to allow my kids to see me in normal relationships its healthy for my daughter... to see this... I dont want this life for her... and I cant help that 28 years of his life has been thrown away... But we will make the best of his life and I will fulfill everything he would ever want me to when he is home
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Old 11-27-2011, 08:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clara h View Post
I am not his wife... but would be... We have been in and out of a relationship since we were 14... I will stand by him while he is gone and be his and only his when he is free... but till then I will stand by him and choose to live the life put ahead of me... I feel like I have to allow my kids to see me in normal relationships its healthy for my daughter... to see this... I dont want this life for her... and I cant help that 28 years of his life has been thrown away... But we will make the best of his life and I will fulfill everything he would ever want me to when he is home
I'm not trying to be disrespectful, or to offend...but I'm not understanding how saying your heart is with the guy in prison, but having intimate encounters with other men shows your daughter how a "healthy" relationship should work??? To me, that seems like it shows that dishonesty is okay in a relationship. Maybe I'm misunderstanding something you've posted, and if so, I apologize. Again, I'm not trying to offend, just trying to understand...and perhaps give a diff perspective.
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"Time as a measurement of love is eternal.
It extends beyond the borders of forever into the depths of infinity.
I love you this and much more."
~~M'love


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Jeg lærer dansk (for et år) og norsk (for ti uger).

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Old 11-27-2011, 08:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elishaxo
MsPrettiJackson you are not the only one who feels the way you described cos i do and I'm sure many others do. My boyfriend and I got together as a couple while he was already incarcerated. He has been in prison for 3 years this February and I have been with him for 6 and a half months. I met him a few times before his incarceration so my cousin brought me along to a visit. At first all I wanted was friendship but sure enough we both developed feelings for one another. We became a couple and at first I could not get my head around the whole situation. At times I still wonder why when I know he has 14 years but as other ladies have mentioned, we love them. Our love for them is tested and pushed but we are determined to make it strong enough to overcome all odds. No one else is him as somebody else mentioned. We become somewhat use to the situation that we are in but we keep striving for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There's a quote by Malika Oufkir (she was incarcerated for 24 years) "some people were born to live, others were born to wait" and I think that can relate to our relationships. Why we do it is sometimes so close to taste but too far to touch but we do it! We all have the love and support of PTO to help us and that makes things a lot easier.

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*** This post has brought me to tears. You are so right about "some people were born to live and some people were born wait". That's a strong philosophy. And he is so close to the taste and close to touch because we have contact visits, but I always have the urge of just wanting him home....but it's and emotional roller coaster.
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Old 11-27-2011, 09:06 PM
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I'm not trying to be disrespectful, or to offend...but I'm not understanding how saying your heart is with the guy in prison, but having intimate encounters with other men shows your daughter how a "healthy" relationship should work??? To me, that seems like it shows that dishonesty is okay in a relationship. Maybe I'm misunderstanding something you've posted, and if so, I apologize. Again, I'm not trying to offend, just trying to understand...and perhaps give a diff perspective.

No offense taking... Mine and Billy situtation is very different then most on this site... Im not saying my kids see me in a intimate encounter with anyone..and they havent other than with there father. I have known Billy since we were 14 he was and is my first love... and we hope when he is free we can make this work... He went away when we were 18 for 28 years... So I didnt stay like some have.. I got married had kids loved and lived my life... I dont want my daughter to think that a Inmate relationship is healthy in most ways its not... I just dont close any doors... As for Billy and I's relationship my children know he is a close friend and I write him cause he needs a friend.. They color him stuff and make pictures for him... To Billy Im not obligated... But he has my heart and he knows that... Other than two other people Billy has no family or friends... Everyone walked away from him... I choose to give him as much of myself as I can.
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Old 11-27-2011, 09:30 PM
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No offense taking... Mine and Billy situtation is very different then most on this site... Im not saying my kids see me in a intimate encounter with anyone..and they havent other than with there father. I have known Billy since we were 14 he was and is my first love... and we hope when he is free we can make this work... He went away when we were 18 for 28 years... So I didnt stay like some have.. I got married had kids loved and lived my life... I dont want my daughter to think that a Inmate relationship is healthy in most ways its not... I just dont close any doors... As for Billy and I's relationship my children know he is a close friend and I write him cause he needs a friend.. They color him stuff and make pictures for him... To Billy Im not obligated... But he has my heart and he knows that... Other than two other people Billy has no family or friends... Everyone walked away from him... I choose to give him as much of myself as I can.
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Old 11-27-2011, 10:19 PM
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*** This post has brought me to tears. You are so right about "some people were born to live and some people were born wait". That's a strong philosophy. And he is so close to the taste and close to touch because we have contact visits, but I always have the urge of just wanting him home....but it's and emotional roller coaster.
Aw I didn't mean to make you cry I'm not sure what your perception is on fate but I believe in it and I always go with "what will be will be". I believe there's a reason why we are in these relationships which we probably don't understand and I don't think we ever will. Like you, I have contact visits. I see my boyfriend every second weekend and I am ever so grateful for them but I would love to have him home! I have a tattoo that says "and in time, this too shall pass". I got it for my boyfriend and I think that no matter what one day it will be over!! If you ever need somebody to talk to feel free to pm me we are a lot stronger than we think. What makes this situation a little more difficult is I'm 18, my boyfriend is 20 and my age is "hot topic" to outsiders but I keep my head tall knowing that no one could have such an impact on me like my boyfriend and same goes for us all <3

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Old 11-27-2011, 10:28 PM
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No offense taking... Mine and Billy situtation is very different then most on this site... Im not saying my kids see me in a intimate encounter with anyone..and they havent other than with there father. I have known Billy since we were 14 he was and is my first love... and we hope when he is free we can make this work... He went away when we were 18 for 28 years... So I didnt stay like some have.. I got married had kids loved and lived my life... I dont want my daughter to think that a Inmate relationship is healthy in most ways its not... I just dont close any doors... As for Billy and I's relationship my children know he is a close friend and I write him cause he needs a friend.. They color him stuff and make pictures for him... To Billy Im not obligated... But he has my heart and he knows that... Other than two other people Billy has no family or friends... Everyone walked away from him... I choose to give him as much of myself as I can.
Ah...okay, I understand better now. Sorry for the confusion on my part. I wish you all the best! And I think it is sweet that your kids draw him pix. It's teaching your children compassion, and I think that is important!
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Old 11-27-2011, 11:52 PM
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:35 AM
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Wives & Longtime Girlfriends: I would like to know some feedback on "WHY" do we wait for these men? What does this say about us as women and as our character? Why do we often hide that are husband or long time boyfriend is in prison? What makes us wait?

I think it says that my character is that of a good, strong woman. If anyone else sees it any other way, that is up to them. I don't hide where my man is. He is in prison, I have always been upfront about it. If people can't handle that, that is on them. I don't care. I wait because I love him, because he is a part of me, because he is my future. And I don't justify it to anyone............if they don't like it........they can just step off.
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:16 AM
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I am a fiancé and plan to marry him as soon as possible. He is eligible for parole in 2014 but worse case scenario he has 81/2 to go. I wait because he is the love of my life. We are RWI and I refuse to let this man go again despite his being in prison. Years ago we didnt place enough value on our relationship always believing we would have the chance to get it right and we almost didn't get that chance. I don't take having him back in my life for granted. We both cherish every phone call, letter, and visit because we know what it's like to live without each other. I don't see other people because I love only him and want only him. I won't ever settle for less again and being with anyone else is settling. What it says about me is I know what love is and I am willing to endure waiting to have true love. It says my word has value because I told him I would wait faithfully. In my professional life it is not appropriate to tell where he is. But in my personal life I have decided to tell the people who matter where he is and whatever their feelings about it are their own and not my concern.
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