Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > LOVING A... > Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-13-2016, 06:34 PM
Diazma Diazma is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Doc NY
Posts: 10
Thanks: 5
Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts
Default Is Love enough?

Long timers partners I need advice
I love my husband. Have done for many years. He set me free once before as the stress of this type of relationship was to much for me. We both moved on then found our way back. I came to the conclusion that life without him was like breathing with no air.

This past year has been bad, his mom passed, 6 months shu, no calls or visits moved 10 hours away, it just got harder and harder. We have been there before many times though.

He got his visits back just before Christmas and we had planned a visit, then 3 days before I get a call to say he on keeplock an lost his visits again.it's coming into 1 year we have not seen each other.

As I say we have been here before, this time it feels different. I just don't know if Love is enough to keep me going. The thought of leaving him is enough to make me stay. I've never felt so split. My husband has been down for 24 years and 30 to go and he is sometimes a very difficult person to deal with because of this.

One day at a time is how I have managed, an we work towards short term goals it keeps us going. I feel like I am the one keeping us going an he has give up.
Is Love enough to save us both from the pain of living a life that may never be what we want? I just don't know what to do anymore
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 01-13-2016, 07:07 PM
jadah jadah is offline
Moderator

PTO Moderator 

 

Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Mississippi,USA
Posts: 2,266
Thanks: 2,996
Thanked 3,321 Times in 1,271 Posts
Default

Of course you are the only who knows all the details of your story so ultimately you have to decide on your own. But my short answer is yes.
__________________
"One of the casualties of [prison life] is the numbness of the heart"- Man on Fire

"
There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-13-2016, 07:08 PM
saskatchewanian's Avatar
saskatchewanian saskatchewanian is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SK, Canada
Posts: 411
Thanks: 449
Thanked 182 Times in 112 Posts
Default

Are you happy?

I think if you're honest with yourself about that question...you'll have the answer as to whether or not love is enough.

I've felt the struggle and the tether of love and loyalty and compassion and dedication. In the end it wasn't enough to keep me in my relationship. I'm not one to go back easily on commitments but I needed to be happy and the relationship had become more about being honourable and loyal than it was about being happy. For me, love was not enough.

Mine was released many months when that decision was reached but I think in many prison relationships it's more about what we're doing for them rather than what they're doing for us. Your man's obligation is to have the visits and hold up his end. While you didn't share the circumstances of his loss of visits and maybe it was unavoidable but...his obligation to you is to be good and act right to maintain your ability to see each other. And he didn't do that.

It sounds like he is being selfish...and you are not being selfish enough.

Don't be afraid to put yourself first. We only get one life to life and I'm all for giving and generosity and going the extra mile for those that you love. But a valuable lesson I finally learned was that I'm allowed to matter the most in my own life...because it's MY life.

Whatever you decide... I hope you find the happiness you deserve
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to saskatchewanian For This Useful Post:
btwcm (01-20-2016), choclgs (01-22-2016), Dakini (11-26-2016), Lovebirds (11-26-2016), Sarianna (11-14-2016)
  #4  
Old 11-14-2016, 12:54 AM
Oceansdrm's Avatar
Oceansdrm Oceansdrm is offline
Strong Heart, Smart Mind
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: California USA
Posts: 1,205
Thanks: 0
Thanked 95 Times in 51 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by saskatchewanian View Post
Are you happy?

I think if you're honest with yourself about that question...you'll have the answer as to whether or not love is enough.

I've felt the struggle and the tether of love and loyalty and compassion and dedication. In the end it wasn't enough to keep me in my relationship. I'm not one to go back easily on commitments but I needed to be happy and the relationship had become more about being honourable and loyal than it was about being happy. For me, love was not enough.

Mine was released many months when that decision was reached but I think in many prison relationships it's more about what we're doing for them rather than what they're doing for us. Your man's obligation is to have the visits and hold up his end. While you didn't share the circumstances of his loss of visits and maybe it was unavoidable but...his obligation to you is to be good and act right to maintain your ability to see each other. And he didn't do that.

It sounds like he is being selfish...and you are not being selfish enough.

Don't be afraid to put yourself first. We only get one life to life and I'm all for giving and generosity and going the extra mile for those that you love. But a valuable lesson I finally learned was that I'm allowed to matter the most in my own life...because it's MY life.

Whatever you decide... I hope you find the happiness you deserve
Best Advice For This Life I Have Heard In A Long Time And Could Not Agree More Thank You Wholeheartedly
__________________
The most unexplainable connection!

The most unimaginable feelings!
The most unbelievable love!
I have found within you!!!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-26-2016, 04:31 PM
Lovebirds Lovebirds is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Texas, United States
Posts: 458
Thanks: 569
Thanked 446 Times in 244 Posts
Default

Yes, love is enough but it has to come from both people in the relationship. We all know that sometimes they get written up for the most stupid things but spending six months in SHU, loosing visits for such a long time means he's doing bad things and that affects you and your life. Like Saskatchewan said, your man's job is to stay good and ensure you can maintain a relationship.

My husband always says "happy wife means happy husband" and there is nothing he wouldn't do to keep me happy. Judging from your post, it seems you give and your husband takes and that's not love. So the question you should ask is not if love is enough, it's if your husband's behavior is love?!
__________________
10/14/2010 Our first letter
05/14/2011 We met for the first time
05/14/2013 We got married
04/05/2016 I immigrated to the US
10/27/2016 My husband received Presidential clemency



Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-26-2016, 04:54 PM
Dakini's Avatar
Dakini Dakini is offline
TheBee'sKnees
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: United States of America
Posts: 1,694
Thanks: 1,255
Thanked 3,715 Times in 1,115 Posts
Default

I am so feeling you right now.
I don't know if love is enough.

I don't think it's as simple as "he goes to the SHU because he doesn't keep his end of the deal". As anyone with a LO on a max security mainline knows, survival requires that you take the long view and sometimes that means you end up paying now to prevent future harm.

So, I don't think it has to come down to him being somehow irresponsible just as much as it doesn't have to come down to "whether you are loyal/strong/whatever enough".

The situation is so much more nuanced and complex than anyone who hasn't walked this walk could understand, and yet it does boil down to happiness.

No, I don't think love is ever enough because relationships are hard. Loving a lifer/long termer IMHO is hard in all sorts of ways we are not prepared for or supported in by society.

I guess all I can say is I feel for you and I hope you know your value is not based on whether or not you choose to remain in this relationship. And that you deserve happiness, wherever you find that.
__________________
Buy the ticket, take the ride. ~ Hunter S. Thompson
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Dakini For This Useful Post:
Sarianna (11-27-2016)
  #7  
Old 11-27-2016, 03:48 AM
Sarianna's Avatar
Sarianna Sarianna is offline
Midnight Sun Moderator

PTO Site Moderator 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Swinging from the chandelier
Posts: 2,637
Thanks: 13,507
Thanked 3,384 Times in 1,546 Posts
Default

Diazma - I realize you posted this thread back in January; I hope some of the replies have helped you reflect, and I hope you have gained some clarity. It would be lovely to hear an update on how things are going for you. Take care.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sarianna For This Useful Post:
Dakini (11-27-2016)
  #8  
Old 05-26-2018, 11:28 PM
GameChanger GameChanger is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2018
Location: Dallas, TX USA
Posts: 15
Thanks: 4
Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diazma View Post
Is Love enough to save us both from the pain of living a life that may never be what we want?
Love is not always enough. 30 years on top of the 24 you've already went through is a LONG ass time to wait for ANYONE!!!! If you want to wait, that's you and I think it should be respected; however, waiting on him IS indeed you missing out on love that could give you MOST of what you need. You only know what you want and can deal with, though.

I will say this: deciding to go on with your life, without this man does not mean you love him any LESS...and don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to GameChanger For This Useful Post:
Lax24Mom (05-27-2018)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How do I show a prisoner real love when all he knows institutionalized love MzMińoBell General Prison Talk 7 10-20-2015 11:24 AM
Unconditional real love, expressing my love for my king rexwifey Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison 1 11-22-2014 06:30 PM
Locked-up love vs Free Love~comparing Apples to Oranges? Wobabi Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison 42 07-31-2009 01:49 PM
True love or in love with the fantasy? (advise on MWI loves) pam-clyde-4ever Met While Incarcerated 33 01-05-2009 03:51 AM
An awesome story about the love of strangers and the love of mothers danielle Raising Children with Parents in Prison 9 04-19-2003 11:06 AM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:02 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics