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Old 04-21-2017, 01:23 PM
missmybabee missmybabee is offline
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Default New to this, need advice, young couple...

So I just recently found this website, so please bear with me. My apologizes if I post this in the wrong section or anything.

Well some background info, me and my boyfriend are 19 and have been dating for about 8 months. He committed his crime before I met him, and I knew about it, so I started dating him knowing that eventually he would have to go to jail. Originally we thought it was only going to be for 4 months or so, but he got sentenced to 9 months. I know that compared to a lot of people, 9 months is nothing at all. But we are so young, 9 months feels like forever, in fact, it's longer than the time we have been together. He went to jail 2 days ago.

I don't know anybody in real life who can relate to my situation, I know a few girls whose boyfriends have gone to jail for a month or less, but nothing this long. I don't want to be judged by anyone here, I don't want to come off as complaining or whining or anything, because I know many people have it so much worse, and would give anything for their boyfriend/husband to only have 9 months. But like I said above, we are so young and we spent literally every day together, and now I have to be apart from him for 9 months. I could handle it if he was anywhere else, doing anything else, but just the fact that he is in jail kills me inside. I hate how I cant contact him whenever I want to see how he is doing. I'm constantly worrying about him and I feel so guilty that there is nothing I can do to get him out of there, even though it wasn't my fault. Like, when I go to sleep alone in my bed every night, I feel so guilty when I think that he is sleeping in some shitty ass uncomfortable jail bed.

Before anyone says it (bc this is all that I keep hearing), yes, we are young, but I never once doubted that I wanted to wait for him. I am not naive, I have had a few serious relationships before, most of which ended bad, so I know when a guy is just playing me. I know that he truly loves me, and I know that I truly love him. I know that he isn't "using" me. He hasn't asked me for money once, and I can say that he never would. He introduced me to his family a few months ago, and I became pretty close with them, and he urged me to call them whenever or visit them whenever.

Okay, that's enough background information haha...

It has helped me reading a lot of the forums on here, but I figured I'd post my own and ask some general questions and just ask for some advice on what to expect? He is going to be in county jail for the full 9 months. I have looked on their website, which isn't too helpful, but I found out that contact visits are not the standard, and the standard is visits with glass in between us. The only way contact visits are allowed are if we both consent to "strip searches" and I just don't think he would be okay with that every week, and neither would I. I never knew that county jail was so strict on visitation, but whatever.

The website isn't too specific or helpful. I'm probably going to call at some point to get more information, but hearing from you ladies who have actually experienced it would really help me out and feel better about this situation. I have friends and family I can talk to, but nobody can really relate, and I feel that a lot of people are just extremely judgmental about this situation.

The website doesn't say much about dress code during visitation. It basically just says to "dress appropriately and no exposed midriff or miniskirts." That's it. I am wondering what is my best bet to wear to visitation? I don't want to get sent back or get visits cancelled because I'm wearing the wrong thing. I don't want to go visit him looking like a complete slob, in sweats and a tee shirt. I know underwire bras are risky, so I will probably just go wear a sports bra. Maybe jeans and a zip up sweater that isn't too tight?

I am also planning on writing to him all the time. He told me that he will write me back, but I don't expect much because writing isn't exactly his strong suit. Lol. I have already written a four page letter which I'm going to send out today.

So, I would just like some advice on what to expect the first couple of weeks? How should I feel? Does it get easier? Harder? Is it easy to get accustomed to life without him? Will I ever stop worrying all the time? I spend a lot of time worrying about him. I know this is f'd up and I apologize if this offends anyone, but in the media and movies (the only experience I have with jail situations) always depict the worst possible things that happen. And I know it is 'just' county jail and not like a state prison, but still, I worry. I know he can handle himself, but there are so many horror stories that I hear about happening in jail, and I can't help but worry, especially since he's probably one of the youngest people there. Even if I hear from him, and he says everything is fine, I would still worry because I doubt he would even tell me if something bad or embarrassing happened. Like it just worries me most because of his age. I'm not positive, but I'm sure most people there are grown ass men. My mind just cant help but to think of the worst possible situations.

I'm also afraid that he is going to change. I'm afraid that he is going to be a completely different person when he comes out. Being stuck in a place like that for almost a year day in and day out, how can you not change? I'm just worried he won't change for the better. I'm not worried that he is going to get into drugs/more crime, because the crime he committed was more of a "one time thing." I'm just worried that his personality will change, he will become cold, idk.

I'm sorry this is so long and props to anyone who took the time to read this. Basically, I would just like to hear from any ladies on how to calm my nerves, not worry so much, and just what to expect from him. I know everyone is different, but still, I would just like to hear in general what to expect. I also really want to know whats my best bet to wear to visitation. And like, what goes on in there? Should I really have to worry too much? I just know nothing about any of this. I'm so new to this and it sucks but it is what it is. Anything you guys can tell me, good or bad, just so I can have more information that you think would be helpful would be amazing. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read this and give me some advice. I would just love to hear from some of you ladies and talk to someone who can actually relate and not be judgmental like a lot of the people in my life.

Last edited by missmybabee; 04-21-2017 at 01:35 PM..
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Old 04-21-2017, 02:42 PM
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IzzyLouWho IzzyLouWho is offline
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Welcome to PTO...
Let me start by saying that any facility that has contact visits require the incarcerated individual to go through strip searches. It's just part of it.
It would help to know what state y'all are in... And what facility... On the county level, each one is different.
Jail/prison on television is just that... The news only shows the worst things that happen. As long as he keeps his head down and follows the rules, he should be OK. What he doesn't need is to worry about you worrying about him.
One of the things I have done to help me is to remember we do have an end in sight. I know at 19, nine months seems like forever. It's a school year.... He'll be home in the time it takes to complete a year of school... Or to have a baby.
Jeans and a loose T are usually going to be your best bet for visits.

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Old 04-21-2017, 02:44 PM
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fiat_nox fiat_nox is offline
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Welcome to PTO. We're here to support people, not judge them. Because we don't like being judged either! Yes, you're younger than some, the sentence is shorter than some, but things you're going thru and feeling are pretty much universal. You're among friends.

I guess the first thing to say is please don't believe tv shows, movies or even the media when it come to what things are like inside! Yes, shit happens - in jail and in prison - but it is not the wild jungle that's portrayed! Who'd watch/read about people reading, playing cards, bs'ing with each other and with COs? No one. So it needs to be made more exciting to sell. You see? Most of what you've seen/read has been greatly exaggerated.

Visitation. If your visits are behind glass [which stinks, but it really is better than not at all!] the dress code is not as strict because you won't be going thru any kind of scanner. [someone correct me if not all states are the same as IA] Underwire bras won't matter. Just don't wear something that shows too much cleavage. Don't wear any shorts/skirt that are short.

As far as coping? The beginning when you don't have a clue what to expect is very prob'ly the worst part. Once the 2 of you can get into some kind of routine as far as calls, letters, visits are concerned, it gets easier because you'll have an idea of what to expect.

No. It never does get totally easy. But it does get easier. Having someone to talk with will help tremendously and I'm glad you found your way here, even tho the reason for it stinks.

Please, ask questions, share your feelings with us! I really, really doubt that anything you are or will think/feel will be unique. We've been exactly where you are and we get it. Nothing is "too silly or dumb" - got it?

Believe me, I know it's really hard to not worry and feel bad that you have a nice bed and can go get a snack whenever you want, etc. You need to try and stop that. It doesn't do any good and it really will hurt you. It will make you a crazy basket case when the odds are, he's just fine.

It's very important that you continue to live your life! Don't stop seeing friends/working/school or anything like that. Keep yourself busy. Yes, you love him and you're worried. I get that. But besides being supportive thru calls, etc, there's really nothing you can do.

There's tons more, but I'll give someone else a chance to add it.

Remember to * B * R * E * A * T * H *
One Day at a Time
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Old 04-21-2017, 03:29 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
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Is it nine months flat or is there good time? Was he out in bail or in county? This affects their time in a good way and wont be the full 9 months.
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