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Old 06-18-2017, 02:10 AM
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Default I need a friend. MWI paroling to ex in Nevada while I'm in Ohio.

I need someone who isn't going to be judgmental to give me some advice. I guess first I have to bring you up to speed.
I met Andy in the Write a Prisoner Pen Pal Ads. That was in 2008. He basically swept me off my feet and I fell for him rather quickly. We really clicked. I guess maybe he knew everything a girl like me needed / wanted to hear and made sure I got / heard it.
I tested him at every turn though. I didn't let him get away with anything. Its not my first rodeo in relationships. I have had several bad ones that left me feeling heart broken and I wasn't about to go that route again. This time I really challenged my perspective love (Andy).
I live in OH and he is in NV. I haven't been able to visit him since spring of 2011. Just don't have the funds, its so far - and we have so little time when I get there that we've opted for phone calls and letters instead.
But this has worked for us. We've been fine. We miss each other but knew one day the wait would pay off and freedom would come our way.
Andy was married twice before. He was a juvenile offender and has been inside for 34 years this fall. So the marriages were while he has been inside. The first marriage ended with him being heart broken; his wife left him for another (free) man and it crushed him. Then he met his second wife about 4 or 5 years later. Their marriage ended when he felt she abandoned him. She quit writing and basically didn't have time to write or answer his phone calls. Shortly after they divorced in 2008 he and I met each other.
Now he has gotten his parole and is coming home. But home is going to be in NV (county of crime) and I will still be here in OH until we can arrange for me to join him. Meanwhile, since he has been away for so long, Andy is going to room with his first ex wife. Since I cannot be there for him and he knows she doesn't do drugs, no felonies, and doesn't drink and wants an easy parole until I can get my affairs together here in OH (I have a sick sister that needs me right now) and join him.
Here's the thing. He has told his Ex that I am a good friend and that I will always be in his life. She believes that the two of them are re-connected and are in a relationship. Andy has told her over and over that they are in a business relationship and that he has no intention of being her man. She isn't listening and has imagined they are a couple. She has been sending me emails and telling me to back off. I haven't responded to them though because I know that she is only a temporary situation until I can get to Andy and claim my spot in his life. And I don't want to ruffle her feathers and make the transition into the real world for Andy any harder then its already going to be.
I don't have any friends that I can talk to about my relationship with Andy. My sister hates me being with him because she thinks he is using me and taking me away from "home" and her. I am the only sibling out of 6 others she has left alive and she has bad panic attacks. So she and I don't talk about Andy.
I guess what I need is a friend I can vent to and who understands the stigma that comes with being a MWI ride or die. Its been 9 long years now and I am starting to feel like Andy is so focused on his release that he's forgotten me... he's not as attentive, the letters have stopped, and maybe I'm being paranoid but I am afraid of losing him because she is there and I'm not.
Help!
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Old 06-18-2017, 03:19 AM
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Sorry but I'm going to be honest here. You sound like a really nice person and I think you need to think long and hard about this relationship. I understand that he needs to parole in NV but really his ex wife. He could have gone to a halfway house/restitution centre he didn't have to go to her. Also the fact that the letters have stopped would be a major red flag to me. You only know what he has told you about this woman and you don't know what he has said to her. You have done the right thing by not reacting to her emails - how did she get your email address? During the 9 years have you sent him money etc?
Like you I would be paranoid but to be honest I would cut contact with him, if he loves you he will contact you. I hate being so honest in my opinion because you seem like a sweet lady.
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Old 06-18-2017, 03:24 AM
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Old 06-18-2017, 04:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Britrdazahead13 View Post
I need someone who isn't going to be judgmental to give me some advice. I guess first I have to bring you up to speed.
I met Andy in the Write a Prisoner Pen Pal Ads. That was in 2008. He basically swept me off my feet and I fell for him rather quickly. We really clicked. I guess maybe he knew everything a girl like me needed / wanted to hear and made sure I got / heard it.
I tested him at every turn though. I didn't let him get away with anything. Its not my first rodeo in relationships. I have had several bad ones that left me feeling heart broken and I wasn't about to go that route again. This time I really challenged my perspective love (Andy).
I live in OH and he is in NV. I haven't been able to visit him since spring of 2011. Just don't have the funds, its so far - and we have so little time when I get there that we've opted for phone calls and letters instead.
But this has worked for us. We've been fine. We miss each other but knew one day the wait would pay off and freedom would come our way.
Andy was married twice before. He was a juvenile offender and has been inside for 34 years this fall. So the marriages were while he has been inside. The first marriage ended with him being heart broken; his wife left him for another (free) man and it crushed him. Then he met his second wife about 4 or 5 years later. Their marriage ended when he felt she abandoned him. She quit writing and basically didn't have time to write or answer his phone calls. Shortly after they divorced in 2008 he and I met each other.
Now he has gotten his parole and is coming home. But home is going to be in NV (county of crime) and I will still be here in OH until we can arrange for me to join him. Meanwhile, since he has been away for so long, Andy is going to room with his first ex wife. Since I cannot be there for him and he knows she doesn't do drugs, no felonies, and doesn't drink and wants an easy parole until I can get my affairs together here in OH (I have a sick sister that needs me right now) and join him.
Here's the thing. He has told his Ex that I am a good friend and that I will always be in his life. She believes that the two of them are re-connected and are in a relationship. Andy has told her over and over that they are in a business relationship and that he has no intention of being her man. She isn't listening and has imagined they are a couple. She has been sending me emails and telling me to back off. I haven't responded to them though because I know that she is only a temporary situation until I can get to Andy and claim my spot in his life. And I don't want to ruffle her feathers and make the transition into the real world for Andy any harder then its already going to be.
I don't have any friends that I can talk to about my relationship with Andy. My sister hates me being with him because she thinks he is using me and taking me away from "home" and her. I am the only sibling out of 6 others she has left alive and she has bad panic attacks. So she and I don't talk about Andy.
I guess what I need is a friend I can vent to and who understands the stigma that comes with being a MWI ride or die. Its been 9 long years now and I am starting to feel like Andy is so focused on his release that he's forgotten me... he's not as attentive, the letters have stopped, and maybe I'm being paranoid but I am afraid of losing him because she is there and I'm not.
Help!
This man has been incarcerated for a LONG-ass time! I can only imagine what his transition into the world as we know it will be. I am sure he has a lot going through his mind, as his release date gets nearer.

I question why he feels as though his ex is the only option to parole to. Does he not have others? It is clear to me that if she is under the assumption that there is more to the relationship than they have, this is a recipe for disaster. He is going to be living with her and not have any intentions of being with her? I find that very strange, to say the least.

The best insight I can offer you is to; focus on your personal goals, allow him to get released and see how he deals with his transition, and don't have expectations of him. You really will not know this man until he is out and living life on the outside. Hell, he has missed out on so much. It may sound harsh but, he has more important things to worry about than being attentive to someone else's needs. A relationship on an intimate level will most likely be difficult.

Take everything one day at a time and trust that whatever is meant to be will be. I wish you the best in the future.
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Old 06-18-2017, 05:26 AM
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Sweetheart I really feel for you, I am sorry but this is a disaster waiting to happen. You are being very patient and understanding and but he is not being fair to you. His ex wife cannot be his only option release. I get that it will be a big change for him and he may be a little messed up but it sounds like he is leading her on to believe that there is going to be more between them when he is released. Especially as he is telling her that you are just a friend.
I think you need to back awaythis situation is only going to get worse and mean more heartache for you.
Tell him you are leaving and why and then cut all contact.
Then look after you and vent on here all you need to. Do the things you enjoy and take time with your family and friends and things will get better.
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Old 06-18-2017, 06:16 AM
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All of the above but even his first ex-wife would be the only option, it's not fair to you and what you supposedly have established together and (at least) your feelings involved.
You are very patient and understanding and you were there for him after his two divorces and stuck by him for the remainder of his time in prison and now he's discarding you - literally.
I'd let him go, let him do his thing, cut off all contact (you've offered plenty in those last years) and don't leave your life in OH.
Read the book "Life after Murder" from Nancy Mullane, she interviewed 5 long-term inmates before they got out and after. That might put things a little in perspective.
But take care of YOURSELF!!
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Old 06-18-2017, 09:59 AM
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Yeah agreeed it just sounds like it's already really messy . His ex is probably being told whatever it takes to make things run smoothly and maybe even promises they are going to work things out. I'd give the whole thing space while he readjusts to society but as suggested above that may include having to let him go. I know that thought hurts right now . You seem so sweet and caring wishing the best in whatever happens.
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Old 06-18-2017, 04:08 PM
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A big thank you to everyone who took the time to read my thread and lend an ear and advice.
I agree with all of you on pulling back from this trainwreck and doing me. Like I said before its not my first rodeo.
The feelings I am starting to have include resentment anyhow, and we all know thats not good!
So yeah, I'm backing off and letting him readjust to the free life and then when he settles down we will see. But for now I've got to save me and do me.
Thank you all so very much!
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Old 06-19-2017, 03:23 AM
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You do not have a crystal ball and cannot forsee the future. You can look for red flags that will give you hints into behavior that may not align with you and a relationship but other than that this is going to cause you high levels of anxiety due to the situation. Please know what you can control and what you cannot. You cannot forsee the future! Stay in this present moment and remember to be mindful of it! Let him get released and watch his behavior. I find it very odd as well that he can only be released to her and that she is so adamant about saying they are in a relationship. Communicate your concerns and leave it at that. Allow his behavior to determine where you both go from here. Don't assume, but be ready for anything. The best advice I could give you is to focus on yourself at this current time and make sure you promote a lot of self care. It sounds like you have a lot going on. It sounds as though you care for someone who already has a great deal of control over your life. You stated that you leaving or making certain choices gives your sister anxiety due to her anxiety disorder. You cannot live on eggshells because someone elses condition. I hope that doesn't come across as cruel but I want to share there is this beautiful difference between supporting and enabling. Sometimes we don't realize that we are doing it...but we can be enabling someones condition v.s. helping them because of fear of what we may cause. I don't know the situation but at least wanted to make mention of this. My hope is that isn't the case. You have a lot going on and if something does happen where is your happiness factor? Who can you turn to for support? What methods of self care do you partake in? Don't let a relationship consume your existence, so if it doesn't work you can dust yourself off and move forward knowing you have so much more going on. My hope is it will work. My hope for you is that you both will find happiness in each other but for right now just watch
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Old 06-24-2017, 01:27 PM
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I agree with alot of the responses. I'm sorry you are dealing with this while caring for your sister. That jn itself is hard enough. How did his ex get your email address? You did the right thing not to respond and I'm sure it took alot of self control. There are always options for parole, and I'm sure moving into a home with a woman seems like a more attractive offer than a halfway house. There are always three sides to every story. I would be concerned he is not really reaching out to you anymore. Wait and see what happens. My advice to you is after he gets settled, before you pack up and move your life to NV, just go for a visit and see if this guy is worth it in real life. I wish you the best. Just remember, YOU are in control of this and after 9yrs, you deserve the best.
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Old 06-24-2017, 07:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Britrdazahead13 View Post
[FONT="Comic Sans

I'm being paranoid but I am afraid of losing him because she is there and I'm not.

Help! [/size][/font][/size][/font]
few things and sending you a great big hug of hope tonight.Hi chica.
1st:

#1.)Do not be paranoid.
No need chica, because the fact is and the truth is staring you right in your kind sweet face, but don't give up IF you and him are "both keeping the faith,and have hope and are going to "somehow make it happen for the both of you."

If he is truly "yours"and if he truly want a "life"with ONLY you, trust me. He will be showing it"despite living with her and having a "business relationship,"until you are able to live together/have a great life together."

Also:

2.)He is yes around "her."Another female. He has NOT been with a chick in um how long?(You're clearly understanding that just because ANDY said, biz relation does not have to be "truth."Maybe he is just sayin' that. But then again you're saying,"I've tested him so much et.al.,)so maybe not.

In a nutshell, she is around him/things will feasibly happen sexually, emotionally-connection too might strengthen over "how he is feelin' for you."
You're not able to go see him, at all. Not even 1x. My friend went through this, and i will write more soon as i plug in the i phone charger brb chica.
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Old 06-24-2017, 08:10 PM
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i'm back.

Now... i will continue, as i know somewhat what you are going through. Ok now this will be a long post,and i do not always write long,so try to follow me!LOL
I feel for you so i am making this long.
Now...

1st: I'm praying b4 he is home, you're able to go see him.
I (unlike a few here respectfully saying, i DO believe what you're having is 100% real.)Just because you're not able to "go see him at all,not even 1x does not mean it was not real." IT IS REAL. It's the "Actions"behind the words of the parties involved, that make such relation real." Now, if you're keeping the mail flowing on "your end" and calls and doing beautiful lil things for him at times, and planning a future then its real IMO
(in my opinon imo) Does he tell you( even though his mail has abridged,(shorten)) since he is about to get out into the "real world again" does he re-assure you and remind you that you're who he want?Or no.(Answer when you're reading thank you.)
-
Now...

About 1 of mi closest girlfriends.(I make sure to only keep a few good friends) I do not trust many.) She met her best friend, in prison.He truly prove himself to be all the "men on the outside were not. "My friend's man did years, just like yours. She never went at any time to "physically see him." His pix was enough and his "words."(followed by ACTION.)

-He did not only re-assure her, he made it his "weekly duty"til' thirty days or 2 weeks of coming home to continue to write her/call regularly daily. Not at anytime, not 1x did she get up to go see him. I offer to lend my friend cash/or pay on mi credit VISA card her plane or bus/train ticket,and she didn't have to pay me back,ever. Then i offer to even drive her (takes me in car) 2 days,from back then, CALI, to NC to go see her man. Didn't happen.She refused. Then, they move him (parole violation out of Delaware) near PHILLY,PA and near NJ, so he did some time there. She failed again to go see him(even when she moved back to a family member home in NY(much closer to Delaware)about 3 hour,or three and a 1/2 hour drive from nyc. She still did not rush to go see him. She was a ball of nerves and poor/strugglin/just returning back to work to save cash.She finally did. (1x) 45 pounds heavier.After not seeing him for 3 long yrs or four
(i think like 3 + and 1/2 years since they met) finally, she went.
It was as "real"as she imagined and him too. Even better. She seen him few months prior to his release.All is still well. He "love her enough to understand how frighten she was, as someone who has honestly never visited a prison before(and bad prior relationships) so that is real love. He "waited."

He call her as soon as he got out(like he promised_) (She had no car, to drive him home) and they been together since, as he took a cab/bus just to get to her house. He is also about 17/18 yrs.her junior. (He 27 now.)[/b]She is mid forties (look younger)but in any event, they are together for years and happy. I am just not sure about you though as it is all about again trust hope faith and re-assurance from "him to you,that ALL will be ok,even better once he is free, to be with you. Good luck. I wish you well,but please, do not set yourself up to be hurt"again." I wish u all the best. Last note: God knows what is best for us in life, and WHO is supposed to be in our every day walk of life. Hence, when there es a will,there is a way."Hugs and Blessings to you,chica.:#staystrong #thinkpositive...hugme:adios.
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Old 06-27-2017, 12:22 AM
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I'm not mwi, but i worry his calls are stopping, letters as well. I worry he's telling the ex you're just friends and that she's emailing you that he's with her. And why is he going with her anyway? After so many years in jail, i would feel insecure as well honestly. These are very big red flags hun. I'm glad to hear you decided to pull back a bit. If it's meant to be it will all be OK. It just doesn't sound right or ok to me. I wish you the best no matter what happens.
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Old 06-28-2017, 01:40 PM
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I hope you will make the right decision for you. Hold back a bit, even if it is very, very difficult. Try to think rationally! You should be the most important to yourself and not make yourself emotionally dependent. Really a difficult situation. All the best!
Listen to your gut feeling! Not easy, but try to go small steps.
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