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  #1  
Old 07-31-2019, 01:38 AM
emmarosie emmarosie is offline
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Unhappy I trusted someone I shouldn't have...help!

So my boyfriend has been in jail for about eight months now. He's in there on drug related charges but he's doing a lot better. He used once in there when he first went in but it was months and months ago and he's been clean since. When he told me he had used I freaked out and vented to a close friend...who happens to be his sister-in-law. Now this girl has a pension for starting drama, however I didn't see this side of her until much later. She swore she wouldn't tell anyone and then last weekend decided to announce it to his entire family. I would understand her doing this if she herself had spoken to him, or if it had happened recently or been ongoing...but it's not. They're all flipping out now but meanwhile my boyfriend is in a really good place. He's finally starting to believe in himself again. If he finds out this is going on it's gonna crush him. And I'm the only one that knew so it's all gonna be on me and that'll be a big problem. What do I do? I don't know how to bring it up without causing a huge issue between us. He's a recovering addict and stuff like this easily upsets him.

His SIL didn't even bring it up to be productive. She just likes to stir the pot. The reason I never brought it up is because it was a one time instance and because he's been doing so well. I feel like this could end our relationship if he finds out I told her.
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Old 07-31-2019, 01:54 AM
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I don't get it... they are mad about or upset about that he used in the beginning but is doing so well now?
I'm a bit confused... but let them stir the pot and never tell them anything again, keep bounderies and open up to your boyfriend about them freaking out over "nothing" (?)...

The important thing is that you and your boyfriend stay on the same page and that he's doing well and will keep this up (no drugs).
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Old 07-31-2019, 08:14 AM
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I think his family needs to learn about addiction and relapse. Sometimes it is a onetime relapse. I was a meth addict decades ago m, after being clean for a few years I used one time. Personally I needed to go through that to remember why I didn’t do drugs anymore. I felt awful after and never used again..that was about 25 years ago. My boyfriend did his last drug in prison before getting clean. The other isssue is you confiding in people when he confided in you. You are going to have to tell him. Be honest apologize and hopefully move on. In the future don’t talk about his business to others. He is locked up he needs one person he can trust. What reason would you have to tell this person who likes to stir the pot? If his using bothers you try some alanon or naranon meeting where people know the importance of anonymity. You probably do need support or someone to talk to these meetings are a safe place to do that.
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Old 07-31-2019, 01:39 PM
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One of the rules of boundaries with an addict- it is not your job to keep his secrets! He chose to use. People may find out. You have a right to find support as well. This is not on you. You did not force him to do anything, and blaming it on you wouldn't be a very good sign of true recovery. If hes truly working on himself, he will know that his family's upset is not on you. So don't catastrophize. It may all be okay. Especially if he takes responsibility for his slip and talks to his family himself and let's them know where he is and how committed he is to his recovery. And if they still flip out??? That sucks. But he can STILL come out and do well if he wants to. There will always be something going on that can be a reason to fall. He has to have a bigger reason to stand up and keep going.

Good luck!
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Old 08-03-2019, 08:03 AM
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People cannot use things against you if you are transparent. Addiction is all about secrecy. Ok, so he used. This was in the past. DO NOT PERSONALIZE how other people respond. So, personally it's going to be up to you how to move forward through this. So, if it were up to me I would have a convo with my boyfriend and say something like "Look whether you are ashamed or not, what has happened has happened. How would you like to move forward?" Ownership of something usually takes a persons power back. For instance if he stated "yes I used, I am not currently using, and am doing great, I apologize if this has had any impact on you as my family but I am moving forward" This of course is just an example. This only has to be a big deal if you or him make it one. If the family makes it one. That's on them, what's done is done.

I agree having a safe space to talk about addiction and support would be great. Alanon can be a helpful place to get that support for you as well.
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Old 08-03-2019, 12:11 PM
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You need to go to Al anon....seriously. You need to go to Al anon. Why? Ever hear the story about Smokie the Bear, the Arsonist and YOU? Once upon a time Smokie said to someone (an arsonist) "Only you can prevent forest fires" to which the arsonist replied "Hell, I'm an arsonist, I can't prevent forest fires. And so Smokie says don't start fires...the arsonist says I can't stop starting fires and you know what you're problem is...YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SENSE TO STOP RUNNING TOWARDS THE FIRE OR INTO THE FIRE BECAUSE OF ONE THING....YOU THINK IT'S ALL TO DO WITH LOVE.
If he loved you he would not have gone to jail on a drug related charge. If he hoped to get it together so he could get and try to start loving you, he wouldn't have used drugs in jail. Sadly, there is some love involved in this deal, but it's not for or about you. It's the love of euphoria and the love for drugs and the love to change the way one feels.
How bout you loving yourself enough to see the truth and take action on it. Kick him to the curb. He's a lemon. AND STAY AWAY FROM LEMON TREES.
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Old 08-03-2019, 01:25 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
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There should be no secrets when it comes to addiction. His family needs to know everything even if it embarrasses him. He does not need anyone to make excuses fornjom. They need to know the signs. So of he hits them up.for money etc. They will be aware.

Yes there are those who want spare to spare others, but when it comes to this no. You are also allowed a friend to speak to.

Best way for everyone to deal with an addict is with wide eyes open not just yours. When it comes to other stuff that comes with prison they dont necessarily need to know everything.

I dont share any of the dangers and stuff that happens with his mother because she is not well. She knows he is safe and that is all she needs to know. We do have very candid discussions about his drug use. Even his kids know, they are old enough to know, so if anyone ever suspects anything they won't turn a blind eye to it. Was he embarrassed? Yes. Did I care? No. Owning it is a large part of the battle.

If he truly is cleaning, saying i screwed up is empowering
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Old 08-03-2019, 03:53 PM
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Only advice I have is decide if you really want to be with him and you know he really wants to be with you. One big thing about a relationship is that some things need to stay in your relationship. I get needing to vent, but do it here...where there are others who are going through the same things (in one way or another) as you. I do suggest you tell him and explain you just had a lot on you. Trust, honesty and respect are important...even if one doesn't like it. You would not want him to come home and be blind sided by her or anyone else bringing that up. Stay away from her trouble making a$$.
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Old 08-04-2019, 08:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Firebrand View Post
You need to go to Al anon....seriously. You need to go to Al anon. Why? Ever hear the story about Smokie the Bear, the Arsonist and YOU? Once upon a time Smokie said to someone (an arsonist) "Only you can prevent forest fires" to which the arsonist replied "Hell, I'm an arsonist, I can't prevent forest fires. And so Smokie says don't start fires...the arsonist says I can't stop starting fires and you know what you're problem is...YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SENSE TO STOP RUNNING TOWARDS THE FIRE OR INTO THE FIRE BECAUSE OF ONE THING....YOU THINK IT'S ALL TO DO WITH LOVE.
If he loved you he would not have gone to jail on a drug related charge. If he hoped to get it together so he could get and try to start loving you, he wouldn't have used drugs in jail. Sadly, there is some love involved in this deal, but it's not for or about you. It's the love of euphoria and the love for drugs and the love to change the way one feels.
How bout you loving yourself enough to see the truth and take action on it. Kick him to the curb. He's a lemon. AND STAY AWAY FROM LEMON TREES.
OUCH! Ok, I was an addict. Everytime I used did not mean I did not love the people around me. I was in a lot of pain and did not know how to articulate it or knew how to get help for it. When I say pain...the best way I can describe the emotional pain I experienced was it felt like a deep black hole in my chest. My MWI was an addict. He loved me dearly but unfortunately got back into addiction. His behavior and choices started to impact me and I figured out he was using so we separated. At no time did I think he didn't love me. People can be addicts and still love. I want to share I understand your point. When someone is so down and out that they are willing to sacrifice themselves or harm themselves, can they really truly love other's. And the answer is yes. It's skewed. As humans we all have some addictive behavior. Some are more healthy and effective. Like our obsession with collecting stamps, some eat more, some exercise overboard. But, I think it's important to recognize the capability of love. What is not ok is taking accountability for someone elses choices. What is not ok is allowing other people's poor choices or bad behavior to impact you. That doesn't mean there is no love there. Maybe no respect. Who knows. That's just how I see it.
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Old 08-04-2019, 08:10 PM
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His use of drugs has nothing to do with his love for you. I used for years and I loved my family very much but I could not stop myself. Learn about addiction if you have not already. I hope you have worked out the original problem of you being afraid to tell him about your talk with a friend about him using. Most importantly you and him need to communicate openly and honestly about everything. I hope he understands. I still stand my my earlier post and say that some things in a relationship have to be kept in confidence. We have an agreement if we say something and we don’t want the other to tell people we make that clear. I also don’t think of an addict uses they have to announce it to the whole family. I relapsed decades ago, didn’t tell everyone in my family and never used again. Everything is not everybody’s business. Good luck! I hope it all turns out well.
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