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Old 02-06-2020, 07:51 PM
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Default The Benefit Of Bad Memories

Iíve been in a funk of sorts the last week or so. Lost some things I wish hadnít and seemingly acquired some other things I donít want or didnít know I had to begin with. What the hell is an attachment disorder? Iím almost 60 years old and it seems rather odd that all at once Iím ďattachedĒ to something. HmmÖ..these people that work as therapists in mental healthÖ..do you guys ever sleep? Youíre always coming up with some updated lingo or new theory Iíve never heard before. YeahÖ.Iím attached to somethingÖ.itís called an empty walletÖcan you help me? No? I didnít think so.
Its times like these that bad memories of the prison variety do a guy some good, ya know? And believe me, Iíve got 18 yearsí worth of them. For example, itís cold here in Ft. Worth. With the wind-chill its 36 degrees outside right now. Woke up this morning and it was 15 degrees. AndÖ.thatís pretty cold, but Iíll tell ya whatÖ..its not as cold as it was a few years back when I got into it with a couple of guards at a unit in West Texas and they threw me in the cooler for 2 days. The cooler is a cell composed of concrete and steel thatís kept in the 50s with the fans going full blast while youíre only wearing a pair of boxer shorts and nothing else. No blanket, no mattress, no pillow, no nothing. And it was hell. All had to do with a bottom bunk restriction they refused to abide by. My back was messed up, butÖ.itís like that in prison.
The past few days where people in general are concerned has been revealing and not in good way. Iím active in A.A, but many of the crowd I rub elbows with at my home group have never known the hardships of prison or some of the things we struggle with in the aftermath of it. It would appear that some are afraid of me when I share what Iíve been through. I can see the face of rejection and a sense ofÖ.keep coming back, but it wouldnít bother some of us if you went to another A.A. group and some of them have said that to me more or less in a roundabout way that Iím just now taking notice of. And this is not your average A.A. group. Itís close to where I live, but itís kind of the jet set/beautiful people/way above $25,000 a year income variety that frequent the place. Me personally, I canít really see anything about my story that is all that horrific, but then again, I have to live with myself and horrific is not a mood or mindset Iím too fond of partaking of. Still, as bad as it may seem, itís not as bad as that knock down drag out fist fight I got into several years where yours truly came up on the short end of the stick, if you know what I mean. My head looked like a swarm of yellow jackets had been all over me. I wound up with 2 major cases, lock up and almost lost my parole. It turned out O.K. after filing a grievance and speaking with the assistant warden about the matter, but at the time, it didnít seem like that just then all those years ago.
Bad memories of the prison variety always make the bad moments of today here in the free world look a bit better. I can go to the kitchen and get a glass of milk and some comfort food when Iím down. I can come to PTO and look for a bit of comfort from one of you. I can flip through the channels on T.V. and find something of interest. I can do many things out here that I canít do in there. In there, itís all about the time to be done and making the most of a bad situation. There are good times in prison and often, the way things go are more to do with the way you carry yourself, what you think about, what you hope for and what you try not to hate or hurt over.
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Old 02-06-2020, 08:08 PM
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Wow - what insight. I appreciate that you took the time and effort to put this out there. Thank you.
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Old 02-06-2020, 08:24 PM
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Thank you for sharing. I haven't been to prison but I guess my income was not enough to be an active member of my AA group as well. For the sake of my sobriety I stopped going. That is not what AA is about and unfortunately some good people are looked down on. In these rooms we are all the same but people just like everywhere are so involved into what other people are doing and not taking a good look on themselves. Keep coming back! Keep the good out of every situation
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Old 02-07-2020, 04:28 AM
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I'll find another A.A. group to go to, there's plenty around. The old adage "your worst day in the free world is better than your best day in prison" has it's place out here when life throws you a curve ball. Stuff like being overwhelmed by responsibilities, the inability to complete a task in the time you want or need, other people's b.s. and the fact that sometimes rather than saying "oh, they're just having a bad day, I guess?" I walk away with a sense of having done something wrong that made the situation what it was..... sometimes. And sometimes, maybe it is because of me. We live in this era of "stranger danger" that's easy for me or one of us to forget that's been to prison. I'm not a stranger to me and it would seem that among those I've known for almost a year, I really shouldn't be a stranger to you, but.......then again, from the dualist perspective of which most of us adhere to in terms of a belief system, there has to be strangers and dangers.
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Old 02-07-2020, 06:04 AM
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Always remember that you don't owe anyone (except the ones you choose to tell) an explanation about your past. "All SOs molest children and are always hunting for their next victim" is the definition shared by many folks, encouraged by the stranger danger SO registry advocates. Explanations (seen as "excuses) can result in the same expressions you experienced in your AA meetings.

I have become much more guarded about what I share, especially with strangers.
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Old 02-07-2020, 08:57 AM
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I'm sorry that you're having a bad week. And as far as AA goes, You have every right to be there, like the others in your group do. And if they eat, sleep, drink and work like you do, then they're not any better than you. They're just your equals regardless of their work status, income or what they wear so don't let them drive you out.

Now you asked a question about attachment disorders. Attachment disorders mostly happen in childhood there are two types:- Reactive attachment disorder (RAD). RAD involves patterns of emotional withdrawal from caregivers. Children with RAD usually don’t seek or respond to comfort, even when they’re upset. And:- Disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED). DSED involves being overly friendly with unknown adults. Children with DSED might wander off often, approach strangers with no hesitation, and hug or touch unknown adults easily. Both these conditions can manifest into adulthood if left untreated.

Here are a few links that you can peruse through which explain it more thoroughly

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/pe...der-in-adults/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/r...ationships.htm

https://www.healthyplace.com/ptsd-an...rder-in-adults
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Old 03-22-2020, 08:36 AM
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I had an identical experience with the arrogance, disrespect and distaste for me clearly and intentionally displayed by the “AA beautiful people.” I found their hypocrisy repulsive and I dropped out of AA because of them. In the >7 years since I dropped out, I’ve been better off without AA than I was with it. Not perpetually beating up on myself for sins that I stopped committing >15 years ago or because of my “progressive spiritual disease” (which has shown no signs of existing for >15 years now) has been better therapy for me than all the counseling or meetings in the world. If you want to continue with AA, maybe look for some “ordinary mortal human being” type meetings instead of those “beautiful people” type meetings. That might help.

About bad memories... I’m now >8 years out and >5 years off paper but I still have bad prison/parole-focused dreams 2x-3x/week and bad memories every single day. My life these days isn’t bad (adequate income, low stress, nobody bugs me bad). I can’t see any reason for the continued existence of the bad dreams and memories, but they just won’t stop. I wish they’d stop but at this point I doubt they ever will.

Good luck with the AA meetings.
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