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  #26  
Old 01-17-2010, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by BooBoo<3 View Post
Here we are....attempt # 3 in one month. She's in the hospital..lets hope they keep her there this time..so she can get the help she so desperately needs. Hopefully her manipulation fails this time...
BooBoo...i went to the hospital 3 times in ONE WEEK before i realized my way wasnt working!
Dont give up!
I am praying for your Mom.

You arent alone in this, it may seem like it, but you arent. I am getting together with 4 other sober alcoholics today and im going to have all of us take a few minutes to pray for your Mom.
Sending lots of Love and Healing Thoughts your way.
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Old 01-19-2010, 07:42 PM
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BooBoo...i went to the hospital 3 times in ONE WEEK before i realized my way wasnt working!
Dont give up!
I am praying for your Mom.

You arent alone in this, it may seem like it, but you arent. I am getting together with 4 other sober alcoholics today and im going to have all of us take a few minutes to pray for your Mom.
Sending lots of Love and Healing Thoughts your way.
Thank you so much..i appreciate it beyond words...really. i do.

I'll be honest..when it happened....actually..while it was happening..I thought of you. I thought of your advice..and i hung on so tight to your words..im trying so hard not to lose hope..im trying. I attempted to write you an email..but realized all that you are already going through (i notice your posts..even i dont always comment)...but i just wanted to let you know that i was thinking of you and your words. Dont lose hope... dont lose hope. Spica...its getting harder and harder. Some more information has surfaced and im just more lost than i have ever been. I looked into AlAnon.........if all goes well im going to my first meeting tomorrow. I need luck..and i need strength. Thank you for your words..and your thoughts.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:39 PM
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My mother has been sober for 14 years now. I totally understand what your going through. Go to your al anon meeting. You will find support. Cactus pretty much said what needs to be said. I hope she finds the strength to deal with this terrible disease.
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  #29  
Old 01-20-2010, 01:55 PM
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I did it. I went. I surprised myself with this one. I'm glad I did...and it wasnt as bad as i thought....definately hard...but something i'll def do again. Thanks for the push guys. Im on my way
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Old 01-20-2010, 06:20 PM
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BooBoo, walking into unfamiliar territory is always uncomfortable, but you are courageous to do it, and i think you are magnificent!
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  #31  
Old 01-20-2010, 07:00 PM
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BooBoo, although you've gotten fabulous support and advice here, I want to add one more facet. Not a comfortable one, but an important one.

I have a very dear friend who's son committed suicide at 16. He and I have talked at length about it, and one of the things that helped him toward peace was this: We did everything we could for him. We did therapy, medications, family counseling, hospitalization, rehab, church, every last thing we could think of. When he talked to me about it he said "Dad, I know that everyone thinks I have a great life, and my grades are good, and my family's great, but nobody understands how bad the pain is. You just don't understand . . . it's more than I can take."

They mourned deeply, but they also knew that he was, at last, out of pain. That's what they have held onto, that the pain was over for him.
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  #32  
Old 01-20-2010, 08:05 PM
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BooBoo, although you've gotten fabulous support and advice here, I want to add one more facet. Not a comfortable one, but an important one.

I have a very dear friend who's son committed suicide at 16. He and I have talked at length about it, and one of the things that helped him toward peace was this: We did everything we could for him. We did therapy, medications, family counseling, hospitalization, rehab, church, every last thing we could think of. When he talked to me about it he said "Dad, I know that everyone thinks I have a great life, and my grades are good, and my family's great, but nobody understands how bad the pain is. You just don't understand . . . it's more than I can take."

They mourned deeply, but they also knew that he was, at last, out of pain. That's what they have held onto, that the pain was over for him.
I've tried looking at it that way. And i see it. I do. Maybe its selfish..maybe its cause of how i felt when one of my best friends committed suicide..but i think i would be angry if she succeeded. I know, I know..thats a terrible thing to say but she is a completely different person when she is sober. Honestly. She is. And to fathom the thought of her ending her life due to feelings while intoxicated. Thats rough. I cant say that i fully understand her pain, but i understand my pain. The pain i endured when i lost my friend. And it makes me angry. I don't want my mom to suffer. Thats the last thing i want, but there is hope for her to get better. During this last time..i asked her why she wanted to die. And you know what her answer was?......."i dont know" . She has made such strides in her disease. Granted, she is not healed...but she is not sitting in her bed heavily sedated waiting to die. That is what makes me angry. It's very rough...and i'm hoping these AlAnon meetings help.

Thank you for your input. Its a perspective i should look deeper into...just in case...it does happen
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  #33  
Old 01-20-2010, 08:18 PM
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. . . to fathom the thought of her ending her life due to feelings while intoxicated. Thats rough.
And basically, what I'm trying to say is that the pain's been there a long, long time, so any decision she makes is one she's made, not only over and over, but even when sober, by drinking again. The feelings probably don't come from the intoxication, but more likely the intoxication comes from the feelings.

I don't mean to make things worse for you, and if I do, I apologize, deeply.
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  #34  
Old 01-20-2010, 09:24 PM
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And basically, what I'm trying to say is that the pain's been there a long, long time, so any decision she makes is one she's made, not only over and over, but even when sober, by drinking again. The feelings probably don't come from the intoxication, but more likely the intoxication comes from the feelings.

I don't mean to make things worse for you, and if I do, I apologize, deeply.
Don't apologize. Its the reality of the situation that hurts. Not your words. I thank you for your perspective..and i have a long way to go before i can fully understand.

I agree with what your saying completely. The sadness has always been there. and that is what leads to the intoxication. But i cant help but to feel like the suicidal thoughts come from the intoxication. Thats where anger comes into play. I think i have it in my head that if she didnt drink.. there would be no suicide attempts. Because, as stated..the sadness has always been there yet she hasnt attempted unless she was drunk.

Again, please dont apologize. I appreciate any and all perspectives. It helps me gain a better understanding of it all.
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  #35  
Old 01-20-2010, 09:51 PM
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I would suspect that your mom is often having the thoughts, sober or not. But alcohol is well-known for dis-inhibition, and so it allows her to act on things she otherwise would not. Is it the reason she drinks? Maybe, maybe not. But this is very similar to the clinically depressed . . . once anti-depressants begin to work, that person finally has the energy to commit suicide, energy they didn't have before the depression lightened a little.
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  #36  
Old 01-20-2010, 10:17 PM
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I dont know..im kind of at a loss for words. One very important thing that was relayed to me over and over again today is that..i cant change her..i can only help myself..and thats what i intent to do. I cant make her want to live. Its something within herself...as sad as that is....
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  #37  
Old 01-20-2010, 10:42 PM
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Yeah, it's a sad, sad truth. Absorb it, and make sure to go to those meetings. They will help you deal with wanting to feel guilty. And perhaps find a meeting for ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics).
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  #38  
Old 01-20-2010, 10:50 PM
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ACOA?...ive never even heard of it. Thank you for that though..ill have to search into it.
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  #39  
Old 04-08-2010, 10:29 PM
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I dont think you are. Hopefully it will help your mom eventually also. My mother is an alocholic. She has been for as long as i can remember. If you remember i havent been in contact with her for a couple months, this time. She isn't at the same level or the same behavior as your mom but hers comes in other ways. She keeps getting dui's, she says things she shouldnt mean or that are childish and weird, she has been acting out sexually, she left her husband(thank goodness!), etc. etc. anyways she is bipolar also(at least everyone thinks so) and it just makes her say rude things and it pushes a lot of people away. and eventually i couldnt take it anymore so i just told her ide had enough and was taking a break from her.

anyways, i really hope your mom improves and things get better between you two.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:01 PM
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I dont think you are. Hopefully it will help your mom eventually also. My mother is an alocholic. She has been for as long as i can remember. If you remember i havent been in contact with her for a couple months, this time. She isn't at the same level or the same behavior as your mom but hers comes in other ways. She keeps getting dui's, she says things she shouldnt mean or that are childish and weird, she has been acting out sexually, she left her husband(thank goodness!), etc. etc. anyways she is bipolar also(at least everyone thinks so) and it just makes her say rude things and it pushes a lot of people away. and eventually i couldnt take it anymore so i just told her ide had enough and was taking a break from her.

anyways, i really hope your mom improves and things get better between you two.
Thanks chelsea. I'm sorry about your mom..but I can say that I understand how you're feeling...and the behaviors of your mother. Its not an easy thing to watch..and as hard as it is to walk away...It takes strength..and as you can see..I haven't been strong enough to walk away....yet.

I guess i should update huh?

I posted this a while ago..and since then. Let's just say things have gotten worse. Much worse. I didnt think it was possible..but hey. things happen.

As of yesterday she made the decision (yet again) to get help. She made me take her to detox...and of course they had to medically clear her first.. Well she tried to fight the staff ..like always..and tried to walk out. We told her that if she signs herself out again.. We're DONE. My one brother and sister have stopped talking to her. So she only has me and my brother..and if she screws this one up..it's on her. As much as it hurts. I have to walk away if she doesnt get the help she so desperately needs.

She has tried to have us come and get her..but we won't..so she is currently in a detox center..and then from detox she is going STRAIGHT to the rehab. This was her choice. She goes in and out of wanting to be there. Idk...She asked me to bring her. I brought her. Now is the time to walk the walk..instead of saying "i want help" she needs to GET the help.
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  #41  
Old 04-09-2010, 12:56 AM
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I have been wondering how your Mom has been doing BooBoo.
Its frustrating, i know...and you are being such a loving daughter... its hard on you. And here your guy is going to be home before too long.
Dont give up, do not give up... do you mind my asking, how old is she?
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Old 04-14-2010, 07:06 PM
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She is 47...

I had this blow up with her last night Spica

Long story short she tried to categorize me with everyone else who "turned their back on her"...I'm tired of hearing i abandoned her and i went off. I didnt say anything malicious...just the truth..Her new thing is she is picking up and moving to FL..with a man wh just started coming around again..she barely knows him. Its her escape. She is trying to justify her actions by categorizing me. I wouldn't tolerate it. She hung up on me twice. I didnt call her back the second time. She texted me this afternoon to apologize. She KNOWS i was right...yet she continues to hurt me.. How do i not LET her do that anymore? How do i just turn that switch off?
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Old 04-14-2010, 07:19 PM
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You can't turn off the hurt switch completely, hun...because you love your mom and you want her to get help and be okay. The only thing you can do is what you're doing now...learn how to control your reactions to the things she says and does. And that's way easier said than done.

It took me over 40 years to realize that no matter what I did, I was NOT the single person in this world responsible for my dear mom's happiness. I couldn't fix the years of depression, suffering, complaining and sadness that she had lived through, some very real and traumatic and some self-induced. Once I got to that point, it was liberating in a sense...and a very sad realization...

You're doing all the right stuff here. Your mom will either figure out how to stand on her own two feet and get the help she needs...or she won't. It's not something you can fix, control or force her to do. You're being a wonderful, loving daughter by helping her as best you can and making available to her the tools that SHE needs to use to help herself.

And when she uses you as her emotional punching bag, just keep reminding yourself that you will get the brunt of it because you're close to her and she will lash out at and blame anyone but herself...which leaves you and your one brother. As VERY hard as it is, don't take it to heart. Hold your head high, knowing you're doing everything in your power to help her and that the rest is up to her. Sadly...some things we can't control or fix...
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  #44  
Old 04-14-2010, 07:24 PM
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Critter. Everything your saying is true. I know this. But..how do you "get to that point"?..Its like..i know all of these things..but how do i go about life not feeling guilty? As much as i KNOW i can't change her..and as much as i know SHE has to want it...I cant stop myself from feeling guilty. I never lashed out on her like I did last night..I was always too worried to show my real emotions at the risk of her dying and THOSE being the last words i spoke..but last night...last night was about the last of the emotional turmoil I could take from this woman. It felt good to get it all out..but I felt guilty all at the same time. I know i can't change her..I can only focus on ME...but realizing and DOING are two different things. And "doing"..is what im having trouble with

Thank you for sharing your personal experience. Its soothing to get advice and perspective from people who have been there before
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Old 04-14-2010, 07:51 PM
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Well, you're right. We can "know" all the right stuff but putting it into practical use is a different story completely.

For me, it took years of feeling guilty and being hurt emotionally, that led up to one huge blow-up one night where my mom said things to me, and in front of my husband and children for the first time, that couldn't have hurt more than if she had cut me with a machete... And I got mad...really mad.

That was the day I realized that I was done letting her words hurt me like that because it wasn't right. It made her feel better to get off her chest what she wanted to say, and the more hurtful the words, the better she felt...and of course, the worse I felt. I started to look back on all the times that I'd stood on my head to try to make her happy, to smooth out problems, to take the blame for things I wasn't responsible for that upset her in her life and realized I was done...just done being a doormat!

I loved my mother dearly and I would give everything I own to have her back here with me for ten minutes...even if it's just to hear her complain or yell at me. (smile) She passed away a little over a year ago. The recovery from that has been long and ongoing and excruciatingly painful but...it has been largely without guilt.

You come to the point that you realize that you were not put on this Earth to be held completely responsible for another human being, other than a child that you CHOOSE to bring into the world.

You realize that you have tremendous self worth and you're really not the bad person you're being made out to be.

You realize that NO ONE on the face of this Earth has the right to make you feel like crap when all you're trying to do is love them and help them.

I think my great epiphany is when I stopped trying to "fix" my mom and started to empathize with her. I actually felt sorry for her... That's when I let go of the anger and frustration and was just "there" for her. I listened, I did anything I could that she needed me to but...I realized my limitations.

Sometimes it still hurt but not nearly to the depth that it once had. There's a facet of "tough love" that comes into play. Sort of like, I'll be your shoulder to lean on and I'll help you however I can...but you are no longer allowed to emotionally hurt me. I just won't allow it!

From what you've said about your last conversations with your mom, you're at that turning point, hun. You're standing up for yourself and refusing to just let her say anything she wants to without letting her get away with it. You're getting there...

When we stop enabling...change occurs...

((((((HUGS)))))))


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Critter. Everything your saying is true. I know this. But..how do you "get to that point"?..Its like..i know all of these things..but how do i go about life not feeling guilty? As much as i KNOW i can't change her..and as much as i know SHE has to want it...I cant stop myself from feeling guilty. I never lashed out on her like I did last night..I was always too worried to show my real emotions at the risk of her dying and THOSE being the last words i spoke..but last night...last night was about the last of the emotional turmoil I could take from this woman. It felt good to get it all out..but I felt guilty all at the same time. I know i can't change her..I can only focus on ME...but realizing and DOING are two different things. And "doing"..is what im having trouble with

Thank you for sharing your personal experience. Its soothing to get advice and perspective from people who have been there before
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  #46  
Old 04-14-2010, 08:33 PM
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it's ridiculously tough to get a parent out of your head. I did it by 8 years of non-communication, which isn't an option for you. In the long run, you have to accept that you didn't create the problem and you can't fix it. Accept it with peace. Meetings can help, counseling can help. Allowing the tape of her words to play over and over in your head cannot.

You'll probably never get rid of every bit of the wish to care and to fix, but you can learn to stand back and just allow.

Hugs, hon. It's a miserable place to be.
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Old 04-15-2010, 12:23 PM
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Great feedback!
BooBoo my mom was an alcoholic also, so was dad...he died at 56, and mom lived to be 89, she cooled her jets about the last 10 years of her life but she knew just how to get to me...and how do you "get to that place" where it doesnt hurt? You just do. Well, to where it doesnt hurt as much.

Your mother is typical as far as we alkies go...selfsih and self centered to the extreme! Never taking responsibilities for ourselves and blaming everyone else.
Her taking off to Florida with this guy is called "doing a geographic" She thinks she is leaving all her problems behind, well hun...shes taking all of them with her because SHE is the problem.
My best friend has gone back to using and drinking and i had to tell him i couldnt see him anymore till he is clean and sober. I saw him once last week and he looks like hell. He knows i love him and i care and alot of us have told him we are there for him and will help him if he ASKS for help.
Like Critter and Nim said, we cannot fix anybody, and we are all fixer's, its hard to stand back and watch people destroy themselves.
You did go to an Alanon meeting didnt you? Please keep going, it would help you so much to have a group of people around you who know what you are going through.
BooBoo do not feel guilty...this has nothing to do with you, its all about her disease. I understand, you love her but you do not love the disease. Who could?
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Old 04-15-2010, 09:54 PM
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Thank you guys for the continuous feedback on this..I know the topic gets tiresome..but just know that every little bit helps me..even if im just venting..(or updating ) and you guys are ALWAYS there to respond. And for that I am forever grateful.

Critter: Maybe i AM at that "turning point"...i hope thats what it is..because as right as i was..I felt guilty about unleashing it.. because there is always that thought in the back of my mind "what if this is our last conversation"..i dont think I could handle that Critter..but at the same time..i couldnt handle being categorized as such. You know? Its bad enough she has cirrhosisbut all this history of suicide attempts. It leaves me drained..scared to really express my true feelings and in return she continues to do what she does. Its exhausting. I guess thats where the guilt comes into play. My mother is wonderful. KEY WORD my MOTHER...not this person she has become. I once told her this..she was on her guilt trip thing and she goes " i just want to make you guys proud" and i responded with "my mother??..I'm PROUD of my mom..My mother is a beautiful, strong woman who has raised us well...i dont know who this person is that you have become but it is not my mother"...She just cried..agreed with me and cried. Its the same thing when i went through the breakup with my ex...Once i left I could only see the good things...when in reality he had cheated on me and hurt me in more ways than you could imagine. I'm rambling..I hope i didnt confuse you. Thank you for your story about your mother. I know im gonna wish I spent this time different... Its just so hard.......

Nimuay: "allowing the tape of her words to play over and over"..your so right.. Thank you for all your help and insight

Spica: When you talked about HOW to get to that point you sounded just like my boyfriend. He tells me how i need to just "turn that switch off"..and i always ask him HOW..and he says "you just do"..and i think your absolutely right about her thinking its a way to leave her problems.. So what do i do about it? Let her go? I'm sorry about your friend..Its a disappointing feeling..You're an amazing friend by letting him know your there for him but not in a way that would jeopardize YOUR sobriety..you know? Thats very admirable. I went to a couple meetings..I'm gonna start going again..I really need to. Thanks for all your help.
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  #49  
Old 04-15-2010, 10:44 PM
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SpicaRigel SpicaRigel is offline
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Sweetie its like this as far as "turning off the switch"...you cant just turn it off, its like you get to a point where it just will no longer affect you like it does.
This is probably a terrible analogy but its like when you have been dumped by someone you are so in love with and you wonder how will you ever get over them, how could you ever possibly stop loving them, how will you deal with the pain...how long will it be before you stop hurting...and it goes on and on and on, then one day and you dont know when it happens, you realize that that door to your heart that was open to them has simply and quietly closed.
Simply and quietly. It just happens. You cant make it happen, it just happens.
Doesnt mean you love them any less or dont care what happens to them, it just stops hurting you.
Does that help??
xo!
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:30 PM
PTO-189145 PTO-189145 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SpicaRigel View Post
Sweetie its like this as far as "turning off the switch"...you cant just turn it off, its like you get to a point where it just will no longer affect you like it does.
This is probably a terrible analogy but its like when you have been dumped by someone you are so in love with and you wonder how will you ever get over them, how could you ever possibly stop loving them, how will you deal with the pain...how long will it be before you stop hurting...and it goes on and on and on, then one day and you dont know when it happens, you realize that that door to your heart that was open to them has simply and quietly closed.
Simply and quietly. It just happens. You cant make it happen, it just happens.
Doesnt mean you love them any less or dont care what happens to them, it just stops hurting you.
Does that help??
xo!
Actually....that helped A LOT..granted, i don't see that happening because its mother..but at the same time..when there were break up issues with the ex ( jerk) I always thought I'd never get over the pain...but your very right..I DID. Not only did i survive the pain..I came back stronger. And thats the truth. This journey might be a little longer than with the ex...but I will come out in the end. I will become a stronger BooBoo<3. Now..its just this guilt thing i have to grab a hold of.

Thank you Spica..this helped a lot.
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