How do you come to terms?

[Klee7373]

My brother has been in trouble with the law since my freshman year in high school (i am currently finishing my freshman year of college). He took a plea bargain for 13 years during my sophomore year and i havent had any contact with him since then. Ive written him dozens of letters but stopped after a while because he never replied...i feel like he hates our family. My dad was the one who called the cops on him, not to get my brother in trouble, but because my dad was worried about him and the path he was going down.

How did you guys deal with the pain?
After three years i still miss and worry about him constantly and im getting tired of feeling this way..it hasnt taken over my entire life but it definitely has taken its toll on my outlook of life and the world

[InSiliconValley]

I have tried to come to terms in two ways. One way is to require of my brother what I would of any person in his circumstance. He did the crime and is serving his time. I also expect that part of him is the person that committed his crime. So I acknowledge and expect that part of him to act criminally, lie, and to minimize what he has done. Therefore I act to arrest those things. The other way is to love him in spite of these things. I do this by maintaining contact with him and cherishing the better parts of him. All people have their share of Divine light within them, even the worse offenders. Searching for that in others promotes the humanity in all of us. It isn't easy, but it is worth it!

The crimes my brother has done are so bad that he has forfeited many privileges. One of them is even being worthy of family bonds and contact. So he is treated with the respect due any human being. Yes, he is my brother. But I can show brotherly love now by treating him as if he were not. This allows me to deal with the pain and still help him. When I think of him as my brother in that terrible place it makes it harder, both for him and me. In addition I can spare others in my family from dealing with him as much. I know it is heartbreaking for my father and my mother (before she passed) to know he was there and why. By relieving them of the burden of visiting him, by visiting him on the family's behalf, it spares them much grief but comforts them knowing he was not abandoned.

You can come to terms by actively participating in your brother's rehabilitation. As siblings we have unique insight into our brothers and sisters. Use that knowledge for his benefit. Lovingly correct him when he is wrong and straying. Encourage him when he struggles and seeks improvement. In the end, simply continue to be there for him. And be there for yourself. At the end of the day, our goal is to be able to look ourselves in the mirror and with honesty say to ourselves, I did what was right by my brother. When I visit him, I help myself as much as I help him.

My brother is serving 50 years, he is a third strike offender. In all likelihood he will never leave prison alive.

May you find the peace you seek. I trust you will, and that you will find that the path to it is through seeking peace for others.

[InmateLover67]

Originally Posted by Klee7373

My brother has been in trouble with the law since my freshman year in high school (i am currently finishing my freshman year of college). He took a plea bargain for 13 years during my sophomore year and i havent had any contact with him since then. Ive written him dozens of letters but stopped after a while because he never replied...i feel like he hates our family. My dad was the one who called the cops on him, not to get my brother in trouble, but because my dad was worried about him and the path he was going down.

How did you guys deal with the pain?
After three years i still miss and worry about him constantly and im getting tired of feeling this way..it hasnt taken over my entire life but it definitely has taken its toll on my outlook of life and the world

I am sorry you have not heard from your brother. He probably thinks that if he tells you anything, you will run to your Dad with it, so he is probably uneasy about sharing things with you.

I would suggest you keep writing to him and explain that you are not your Dad and you would really like to have a relationship with him. He needs to know that he can confide in you and not have you run to your Dad and tell him everything. Allow him the opportunity to trust you, then he will probably feel better about writing to you.

If you keep sending him letters, I believe at some point, he will respond.

Good luck!

Peace~

[#1AndOnly]

I agree, keep writing. He needs to know you still care. It is hard and will hurt when the responses don't come, but he will slowly come to know "you" through your letters and not your fathers actions. Eventually I'd like to believe he will respond ...

I wish you the best ! I hope you keep trying and let him know you aren't going to give up on him.

[irishcanuk]

Originally Posted by #1AndOnly

I agree, keep writing. He needs to know you still care. It is hard and will hurt when the responses don't come, but he will slowly come to know "you" through your letters and not your fathers actions. Eventually I'd like to believe he will respond ...

I wish you the best ! I hope you keep trying and let him know you aren't going to give up on him.

I agree with the last poster, despite it feeling like your brother is blanking you, you are showing him your commitment and love for him with each letter you write. If you write to him and tell him what is going on in your life, your studies, tastes in music, sports, politics whatever (regardless of whether he replies).........he will get to know you through your letters. I hope that eventually your brother will let down his guard and realize you aren't going away, you aren't going to reject or betray him (as he may perceive your dad to have done?).......Don't let him push you away, he is your brother and you both deserve to know each other.

[Divamc]

I haven't come to terms with it. My little brother has been down for about 7 or 8 years and I haven't coped with it. I don't write him and can't bring myself to read the letters he writes me. Part of me is angry. The other part is really sad. It is such a shame that such an intelligent, sensitive man has totally wasted his life. I often feel horrible that I'm not there for him, but thinking about it makes my heart ache.

[Abeca]

I have three sons. The son in the middle, now 20 years old, is in prison now with a 4 year sentence. His older and younger brothers refuse to talk about him, say his name, write to him, talk to him. I respect their feelings. I don't force anything. The youngest was very hurt by his brother- years of bullying that cannot be undone. The middle son took a lot of attention from his dad and me and cost us a lot of money with therapists, medicine, lawyers and our own mental health. But that middle son is still my son and I do write to him, my husband and I go see him and we have him call us about three times a week. I can't and won't expect anything from my other boys.

[Hypnotizinbabe]

Please be there even just a letter. We all have our faults just others handle situations differently. If they are ignored or have noone it will only be worse. I'm not saying condone any bad behavior but family is family. I was arrested for driving a guy I loved to rob a bank and it was my 1st time in trouble. I got 2 and a half yrs in prison 5 yrs probation and my name is ruined for life. BUT if i didn't have my family I would've gave up instead of being 1 out of 20 girls on a state prison of almost 900 girls that was accepted to Boston University college while in prison and took advantage of every program and class available. I was let off probation early and then started seeing an old friend I knew for over 20 yrs who was so in love with me all those years that after being single for 3 years I gave him a chance after all that he almost killed me and did kill my unborn child. Now my family distanced themself from me and i had to move away as well as get a restraining order. I'm lucky to ne alive but sometimes wish I wasn't. I'm not suicidal or anything just feel alone. And all for making the wrong choice for a second time. I even think I'm lucky to be alived but think they wished I died. Idk hope u all forgive and just write for hope.

[MissmybroTom]

I'm kind of in the same situation. My brother is 8 years into a 28 year sentence in Illinois. He committed horrible crimes. He has affected my life so much over the past 20 years that I have so much bitterness towards him but on the other hand I love him cause he is my only brother and we used to be so close. I used to write him letters often but I have never visited him prison. I just can't seem to face it or face him. I have written him and told him how he has hurt me and how angry I am he appologized but keeps making excuses for what he did. This angers me more. I just don't know if I want him in my life anymore. It hurts! But I do love him... Confused