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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 03-31-2005, 09:35 PM
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Unhappy My inmate doesn't want me to visit

My inmate doesn't want me to visit him, he says he wouldn't be able to handle only seeing me 6 times in 3 months and then nothing for another year. It's a big issue between us, my feeling is I'd be happy seeing him once a year, it's alot easier to look forward to then maybe in another 16yrs if he gets paroled. It's hard to deal with on a daily basis, that in my mind he doesn't want to see me. I told him this and he insists he does want to see me, he just doesn't think he'd beable to handleat the end of the visit me leaving. I need advice on how or if i should try to change his mind, I love him regardless, it's just hard to handle because most inmates want visits from there loved ones, and mine is denying hisself and me of it. It weighs on me heavily.
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  #2  
Old 03-31-2005, 10:20 PM
Diane93635 Diane93635 is offline
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Girl, I wish I had some advice for you. All I can say is I know I'd be hurt too. I don't know what I'd do. Maybe he'll come around...I'll keep you in my prayers. Love, Diane...
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Old 03-31-2005, 10:30 PM
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I don't know girly. I just wanted to say that I am here for you if you need someone. Maybe you could tell him that 6 visits are better then some people get. At least you could see him.
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Old 03-31-2005, 10:34 PM
Tomi Castillo Tomi Castillo is offline
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sometimes it is hard to understand our men but maybe listen to what he is asking you to do and give him time to come to around. as you said you love him regardless so maybe give him more time and just keep telling him how much you would love to see him. and maybe he will stop putting that wall up. hang in there you will have good out come you will see.
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Old 03-31-2005, 10:57 PM
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My inmate doesn't want me to visit because of racial segregation that occurs at the prison. I am half white/half black and he is all white and doesn’t want to get shunned by the other whites in the prison. I didn't understand it at first, but with the help of PTO I was able to understand that prison is a whole ‘nother world. I have to remember that what I am used to is not how he is living. Well anyway, I am not here to complain or take your spotlight, I just wanted to share my story with you so that you didn't feel alone in this. Someone doesn’t want me to visit him either.
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Old 04-01-2005, 09:34 AM
MurphyGirl MurphyGirl is offline
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I think your guy needs to look beyond himself and his needs and do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going! Tell him how badly this is affecting you and ask him if he's willing to change his mind....if he isn't then I'd say you are free to do whatever you want. You can stay with him and live under his rules or you can wish him a 'happy ever after' and move on with your life.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide and remember, the lifer sisters are here for you!

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  #7  
Old 04-01-2005, 09:34 AM
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That's the thing some of his friends in there know how he feels, and I'll be on the phone with my man and they'll be in the back ground "you need to let her visit you or she can come visit me", I don't know I've had one of his friendstry and talk him into it telling him that it wasn't fair to me and 16yrs is along time.I'll have to wait and see if he comes around, i hope so I cry alot over it, just not to him. He's got anough to deal with. But thank you it's nice to beable to talk about my inmate and issues with other people who understand.Thank you!!


Quote:
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I don't know girly. I just wanted to say that I am here for you if you need someone. Maybe you could tell him that 6 visits are better then some people get. At least you could see him.
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  #8  
Old 04-01-2005, 09:40 AM
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It's nice to know there's others in my position, here i thought I was the only girl with an inmate who doesn't for whatever reason to see his girl. I kinda understand where he's comming from, because to go visit him and then having to walk away knowing he can't, sucks. My heart won't let me totally understand though. But thank you it's helping to know I'm not alone.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Kateeh
My inmate doesn't want me to visit because of racial segregation that occurs at the prison. I am half white/half black and he is all white and doesn’t want to get shunned by the other whites in the prison. I didn't understand it at first, but with the help of PTO I was able to understand that prison is a whole ‘nother world. I have to remember that what I am used to is not how he is living. Well anyway, I am not here to complain or take your spotlight, I just wanted to share my story with you so that you didn't feel alone in this. Someone doesn’t want me to visit him either.
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  #9  
Old 04-01-2005, 09:43 AM
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Thank you, it means alot to know there's people in the world going through the same stuff, or atleast trying to help.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Diane93635
Girl, I wish I had some advice for you. All I can say is I know I'd be hurt too. I don't know what I'd do. Maybe he'll come around...I'll keep you in my prayers. Love, Diane...
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Old 04-01-2005, 09:46 AM
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Hopefully he will come around... to see it your way... and to help the relationship i hope he can put aside his stuff and understand YOUR feelings.. he should give it a chance.. what's the worse that could happen.. he is down.. he doesn't know until he trys.. right.. he is just ASSuming he will have a REAL hard time w/ it right? or has he in the past.. from a visit.. w/ you ? sorry your going through this. It's hard.. but you have us.. and like said.. some here would love to have 6 visits.. some of the lifer (family) have so little visits.. (to me that is an amazing bond)>>>>

HOLD ON

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Old 04-01-2005, 11:32 AM
stormierain stormierain is offline
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my husband, when we were young (not married, new him on the out side we were just friends) told me to get on with my life, it hurt i love him, he never said he loved me. i was a stuid 18 yr old, he was more stupid at 23. i did what he told me. boy did i make dumbass mistakes. i never forgot him, found him again after 20 somthing years. i blamed him for evrything bad in my life, he agreed. he couldn't say those 3 little words back than (i love you)

well after the years past and our first new visit the Spark's were sill there. he regrets it. the strange thing is he save our pictures from back in the day, he said he couldn't get rid of them. now we are married. i think way back than you couln't marry a lifer, till some one took it to court, that what if you were married befor getting life

so i think your lifer is having mixe emotions, Tell him no your in for the long run!!!!!
yes its hard, you just can't choose the one you love. hang in there
storm
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  #12  
Old 04-03-2005, 10:23 PM
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How far away from you is he? Is it a financial hardship for you to visit and maybe he is concerned with this? Is any of his family visiting?
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Old 04-03-2005, 10:50 PM
babygirl350 babygirl350 is offline
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I am sorry this is happening to you. I am not married to a lifer, but my husband is incarcerated. I think it is difficult for most people if they are really honest with theirselves to walk away. I know after all of this time, it never changes for me. I feel the same after each visit, I hate leaving him there.

However, I think the joy of being with him on a visit far outweighs the pain of leaving him behind. I mean this is the life that I have chosen for myself, so I have to make the best of it.

If you could perhaps convey to him what joy you feel it could bring to both of you and what happiness could come from it, perhaps then he may change his mind.

As far as the one poster who didn't get visits also, I don't know what prison your loved one is in, however, I can tell you here in Kentucky, there are many "mixed couples" and I don't see any of them having any problems. Now, whether the inmates have problems back in their cells or dorms from it, of course I have no way of knowing that.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I really do feel time will change things for you and he will change his mind.

My very best to the both of you.
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  #14  
Old 04-05-2005, 08:03 AM
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He's only 20 minutes away. Some of his family does but his mother who lives in the same town taht i do only will visit him twice a year. I think he's afraid of being disappointed because his mother and his friends will make appointments and not show. Most of his friends have only showed up once. Its hard for him to deal with the hurt on a daily basis, and i feel hes afraid that he's going to be let down again. I tell him I will be there 100% but maybe in time he will put enough trust in me to let me visit. Til then I'm stuck with hearing him talk about the hurt of his family not comming which pours salt on the wound, but i listen cause I am the person he talks to about that.
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How far away from you is he? Is it a financial hardship for you to visit and maybe he is concerned with this? Is any of his family visiting?
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Old 04-05-2005, 08:43 AM
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Sorry you have to go through this. I can NOT understand this! Did you know him before he was locked up? I'm not saying that he is doing this to you, but I met someone a few years ago while he was in prison. I wanted to visit him and he told me no because he wouldn't be able to handle it. Well, finally he said ok for me to visit. I visited a few times. Then, he used to tell me to please let him know when I was coming so he could have a hair cut and be ready, etc. Well, I surprised him one weekend and I got a surprise. There was another girl there to visit him. She said she was his fiance. She had met him through a penpal service the same way I had. Come to find out there were a total of six or seven girls. I am not saying that is what he is doing, but I really can't understand why he wouldn't want you to visit if it is only 20 minutes away! Maybe he will come around, stay strong and hang in there.

I also can't relate to a lifer. I do not have a lifer. I have read some posts though and know that they are probably scared, like the other person said, he may not know you are there for the LONG HAUL!
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  #16  
Old 04-05-2005, 09:05 AM
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i think you should stand up for yourself..i think that men in prison are sometimes very selfish..I know a lot of people might say to try to understand him and such but you know what hes in there NOT you and you are still there for him and suffering as well he should NOT have all the say so in the relationship...just cause they are locked up we should not take so much pitty on them,...tell him you want to see him and make sure he understand how much it means to you.

As for the girl that said her man doesnt let her see him cause shes half white/black well i think thats also bull...no offence or anything i have seen a lot of couples of mixed as well and i dont see how that matters to anyone...if he loves you he wouldnt care what anyone has to say.
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Old 04-11-2005, 07:48 AM
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He may also be trying to protect you.Other inmates may talk trash to you or to him about you later on.
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Old 04-11-2005, 08:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kateeh
My inmate doesn't want me to visit because of racial segregation that occurs at the prison. I am half white/half black and he is all white and doesn’t want to get shunned by the other whites in the prison. I didn't understand it at first, but with the help of PTO I was able to understand that prison is a whole ‘nother world. I have to remember that what I am used to is not how he is living. Well anyway, I am not here to complain or take your spotlight, I just wanted to share my story with you so that you didn't feel alone in this. Someone doesn’t want me to visit him either.
Really! This is a problem? My Jay is in WA too and I see white and black couples together all the time. Jay is friends with all races unless he has a particular problem with a particular individual. I don't see that problem in WA. Thats too bad.....so does this mean you don't visit at all???? I couldn't live like that. Thats just not right! If you love each other thats all that should matter and your man should be proud! Just my opinion....hope I havn't offended.
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