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  #1  
Old 11-20-2016, 05:37 AM
Wvgurl68 Wvgurl68 is offline
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Default Here we go again. Why can he not get help instead of punishment?

My boyfriend got out 9/21. Spent 2 months at the halfway house. Suppose to come home today but US Marshals picked him up Friday. He went to rehab and really was doing good but he is an addict. He has asked for help many times. He wants to do the time and kill the papers. Why can he not get help instead of punishment.
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Old 11-20-2016, 05:45 AM
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I don't have any advice here but I feel for you and the situation and thinking of you all during this trying time.
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Old 11-20-2016, 05:51 AM
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Thank you. His hearing is Wednesday for detention so not know if he will be out for Thansgiving. The halfway house has more drugs than on the street or prison. He realizes he was slipping and went to rehab but maybe too late. I just feel lost. He is trying really hard. How do I do this again? Promises will not be made this time. Life is too short.
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Old 11-20-2016, 05:57 AM
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It's hard having a life with an addict. He has to want to be clean. Other wise he will always give into temptation.
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Old 11-20-2016, 08:17 AM
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Getting clean and staying clean is a personal choice. When he decides he has had enough of his addiction, he will get treatment and really commit to staying clean, until then, he will be back and forth.

The important thing is YOU need your own support and recovery program. You cannot and will not be the one to get him clean and keep him that way.

Life with an addict is filled with heartache, embarrassment and a bottomless pit of emotions and disappointments. Make sure you are ready for the long journey ahead. My addict NEVER went a day without thinking about drinking, it is a constant battle for him.
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Old 11-20-2016, 08:22 AM
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Its a tough thing to say and I doubt this is what you want to hear, but it doesnt matter how many drugs are available around him, it is his choice to take them. His addiction is not going to he helped by him asking for help numerous times , he has to really want to be sober and remain so and it does not sound like he is ready for that change yet.
If he has been to rehab then help is there, he just has to want to take it seriously. Loving an addict is painful its almost like being an addict yourself except your addiction is to the person and trying to help them lead a better life. However you can never do that and neither can anyone else it has to come from him.
He will blame others for his addiction that is what addicts do. He will say no help is available as an excuse to carry on. Dont buy into that and don't help him to make excuses. Dont validate his reasons to keep using and keep reminding him that he has a choice and he can only get help when he makes the choice to really want it.

You also need support for you as loving an addict will take its toll on you, there are support groups for addicts families and friends have a look for a group in your area.
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Old 11-20-2016, 08:28 AM
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Realizing this reality is hard but I know it has to come from him.
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Old 11-20-2016, 08:33 AM
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Realizing this reality is hard but I know it has to come from him.
It is very hard and that is why you need to source some support for yourself.
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Old 11-20-2016, 09:46 AM
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This is a support forum and the real answer to your question is off-topic politics. At least I think it's off-topic. If moderators say "OK" I'll give you activism suggestions.

Meantime you are hurting and being hurt. I've never tried NA but many people here have said good things about their experience there. If you are religious poke around in what your church offers. You may be surprised.

Keep visiting here! There are many warm and wise people who will listen and understand.

BTW, what kind of place is Parsons? I spent my childhood in Parkersburg and my wife grew up in Charleston.

Last edited by Minor activist; 11-20-2016 at 09:48 AM.. Reason: Added WV material
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Old 11-20-2016, 12:36 PM
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Going to an NA group will also show you you are not alone. Sometimes that can be the worst part. If you get some insight into addiction it can alleviate some guilt and frustration.
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Old 11-21-2016, 04:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wvgurl68 View Post
My boyfriend got out 9/21. Spent 2 months at the halfway house. Suppose to come home today but US Marshals picked him up Friday. He went to rehab and really was doing good but he is an addict. He has asked for help many times. He wants to do the time and kill the papers. Why can he not get help instead of punishment.
I suspect your question is a rhetorical one. The choice to use or not use, is always an individual choice - and has to be made by the person. Freely chosen. You can't be "forced" into recovery and have it work - because the second the restraints are off, one will be back to one's deeply ingrained patterns of behavior.

The "theory" of prison or jail time in this case is that prison is uncomfortable enough for people to want to choose recovery work as an alternative. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes, especially if the person really lacks confidence in their social, vocational, relationship, etc., skills - they will, consciously or sub-consciously, keep putting themselves back in jail. In that case, it is a protective, safe place - and not "punishment" at all.

Real change is very hard - because it requires that the person, and those who care about them, take a focused, realistic look at who they are, and who they are not. I strongly believe that most addicts don't use drugs to feel good, but to avoid feeling bad - and recovery requires some serious exploration around what they may be feeling "bad" (insecure, anxious, fearful of, are all rolled into this) about or around.

"He went to rehab and really was doing good but he is an addict." Being an addict is no excuse. Ever. People recover from addiction all the time - but it is because they are really committed to their program. Not everyone has the tools, or the support to do this.
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Old 11-21-2016, 07:52 PM
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"Why can he not get help instead of punishment?"

Because he asks for punishment instead of help.
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Old 11-28-2016, 12:07 PM
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He asks for help but has been denied it. Breaks my heart because he finally wants it but his p.o. will not permit it. Sending him to prison will not help him but recovery will.
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Old 11-28-2016, 12:35 PM
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He asks for help but has been denied it. Breaks my heart because he finally wants it but his p.o. will not permit it. Sending him to prison will not help him but recovery will.
The courts see this over and over. Somebody earns punishment but begs for a second chance. Then they don't take advantage of that second chance.

Sooner or later the court stops listening to his words and only looks at his actions.

Most likely he is learning that asking for second chances, or asking for help after he has gotten into trouble, won't carry him forever.

When he gets out, he must take the initiative to get help and stay clean. He has to see rehab as an alternative to using, not as an alternative to punishment.
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Old 11-28-2016, 01:08 PM
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The courts see this over and over. Somebody earns punishment but begs for a second chance. Then they don't take advantage of that second chance.

Sooner or later the court stops listening to his words and only looks at his actions.

Most likely he is learning that asking for second chances, or asking for help after he has gotten into trouble, won't carry him forever.

When he gets out, he must take the initiative to get help and stay clean. He has to see rehab as an alternative to using, not as an alternative to punishment.
Working with recovery folks the past 35 years, you have hit the nail on the head. "He has to see rehab as an alternative to using, not as an alternative to punishment."

Eggs-zactly! Perfectly put.
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Old 11-28-2016, 01:10 PM
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He asks for help but has been denied it. Breaks my heart because he finally wants it but his p.o. will not permit it. Sending him to prison will not help him but recovery will.
Honestly, we don't know that "sending him to prison will not help him..." I've personally seen maybe a thousand folks in the span of 40 years for whom going to prison, as an addict, has literally saved their lives.
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Old 11-28-2016, 01:44 PM
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I have to say that prison was part of the help my son needed. It wasnt what he wanted but it was what he needed.He was in a downward spiral and prison was the only way to stop him and give him the kick he needed to realise how serious things had got.

Also he deserved punishment he had done something wrong and accepting that and not blaming others helped a lot.

If your Loved one really wants to change he will and prove himself whether he goes to prison or not.
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Old 11-28-2016, 01:46 PM
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My boyfriend got out 9/21. Spent 2 months at the halfway house. Suppose to come home today but US Marshals picked him up Friday. He went to rehab and really was doing good but he is an addict. He has asked for help many times. He wants to do the time and kill the papers. Why can he not get help instead of punishment.
Until the person gets sick and tired of being sick and tired of going to jail sleeping on the streets rhab isn't going to work. The hardest part of being an addict is asking for help and sticking with it. Is recovery easy? Hell no.
Don't let the addict pull you down with the empty promise I will change. Make that person show you they can and will change. I know I sound mean and unsupportive , but I am a addict I was a drug abuser for over twenty years.
I burned every bridge you or I could think of, went to prison many times for supporting my habit. I finally got tired of being told what to do when to do it and how much to do by someone else. I sought help. I failed a few times at being clean. As of today I have well over 10 years of being clean. Do I still get the urge to use every now and then. That is when I do a self check on myself.
Do I want to go on one more good run, then be locked up the rest of my life . Or do I want to fight to remain free, so far I have choose to remain free.
You can be supportive of him, but he needs to get clean for his self no one els can do it for him.
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Old 11-28-2016, 02:34 PM
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I agree with the above posters. My husband was a meth and heroin addict for most of his life from a young child until he went to prison the 2nd time and decided that's not how he wanted to live his life and made the choice. Surrounded by users and drugs he remained steadfast and absolute and he's been clean and sober for the last 10 years. It's a decision of the heart, not of the circumstance. You cannot say that he hasn't been given the opportunity to better himself if he's been to rehab, been in and out of trouble and continually chooses to use drugs. That's a CHOICE! You can't keep enabling his behavior.
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Old 11-28-2016, 06:52 PM
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Honestly, we don't know that "sending him to prison will not help him..." I've personally seen maybe a thousand folks in the span of 40 years for whom going to prison, as an addict, has literally saved their lives.
Well put. Or as the saying goes behind prison walls: Some are sentenced and some are saved.
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