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  #1  
Old 01-04-2017, 01:57 PM
Blissey Blissey is offline
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Unhappy Everyone else is turning their back on him! How do I remain calm?

My loved one is in for a serious, horrifying, and very violent crime. But the circumstances are extenuating. That is, he was messed up on some seriously wrong doctor prescribed medications combined with alcohol. The crime is completely out of character for him. The only other things on his record are a DUI, and a petty high school fight back when he was 17. Other than that he's had his bouts of depression, but always pressed on. He had big plans before all this suddenly happened!

There's no excusing what he did, but why is everyone save for very few people turning their back on him!? I feel myself becoming a very angry, dark and hateful person through all this!!

Some of his close long term friends will speak to me for hours about how they had just saw him days before the crime, it makes no sense, it was the meds, they love him etc. But when asked to be a character witness, or write a statement, suddenly they're "too busy" or worry about people finding out they were friends with him!! They worry about their reputation!? People are so quick to turn their backs on someone they called a best friend and or loved for decades!

Yes, his crime was heinous, but is that really a reason to turn your back on someone you love, especially when it's bizarre and out of character?!

I'm sticking by him! I am very passionate about him getting help and mitigating his case, rather than death or LWOP! And people are labeling me evil and disgusting for that! I'm getting so much hate, but I refuse to stop!

What is wrong with people!! I feel like i'm going crazy!! I don't know what to do.
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Old 01-04-2017, 02:16 PM
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I think you are going to have to accept that everyone in his circle has the right to deal with this as they see best. You are really going to struggle if you are going to let people who walk away get to you. Similarly you are going to struggle is you worry about what others think of you.

Perhaps best thing to do is behave as you see fit and allow others to do the same.
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Old 01-04-2017, 02:21 PM
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Does the "reputation" actually mean for the purposes of some kind of security clearance for their jobs or potential jobs? Although security clearance often involves one's own history and a list of relatives with their contact info, it could be that they are supposed to report any associates who have a criminal record, or that there is a chance that the background check will be thorough enough to find out about them.

For instance, if they are in the police or are thinking of applying, then the background check and questions asked tend to be very thorough indeed. However, many people in more mundane occupations, for instance if they or their employer are government contractors or in the military, could have such concerns as well, although perhaps not quite to the same extent. I personally have not been asked about any acquaintances who are not relatives, but it could be different in their case.
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Old 01-04-2017, 02:29 PM
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I think, honestly, it just comes down to this simple fact.

People don't get it.

It's very difficult to process, when someone has done something truly heinous, and you don't deny that this is the case (extenuating circumstances are involved, as you've indicated elsewhere, so I am not here to judge, but I think we can agree that if you take out potential mitigation and look only at the act itself, not the actor so to speak, most people would probably agree it's heinous.) The issue that most people around him are probably experiencing right now is that they probably, regardless of what drove him to do what he did, cannot rationalize the person he was before the act with the new definition of who they now think he is because he committed this act.

It's not fair. It hurts him at least as deeply as it hurts you, I'm sure. And at the same time....it's not at all surprising.

This is the unfortunate reality....although we here try not to compare crimes or say one crime is greater than or less than another, in the "real world," some crimes....just are difficult to excuse.

I am very sorry to hear that he is going through this, and I'm very sorry to hear you are getting backlash. For most of us here, some degree of backlash, rejection of our own selves as the outmate or of our loved one as the inmate comes with the territory.

One thing that is most certainly true is that you learn who's REALLY loyal to you in times like these.

Ultimately, if you're going to stick by him, you're going to have to brace yourself that not everyone else is going to follow suit. You can't let that bother you. He's going to have to grow some tough skin too. Ultimately, he's going to need your support and attention. If others can't give you their support when YOU need it, then, as much as I hate to say it, you might have to just disregard them and carry on.
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Last edited by missingdee; 01-04-2017 at 02:41 PM..
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Old 01-04-2017, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
I think, honestly, it just comes down to this simple fact.

People don't get it.
Thank you so much for your reply, it really did help a bit and was something I needed to hear. It's just with so much going on and all these people beating into my head, sometimes you just break down. I'd like to think myself strong, but i'm not superwoman.

Thank you so much again!
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Old 01-04-2017, 02:43 PM
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None of us are super human. Dee's crime and circumstances were different, but believe me, there were days where I absolutely had to be a brick wall emotionally to get through. No one likes hearing their LO is a criminal. No one wants to hear their LO described in terms that are not flattering. No one likes watching people walk away from their LO, seeing their LO abandoned.....but unfortunately, it comes with the territory.

Make sure you take care of yourself. If you aren't in a good place, it makes helping him that much harder.
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Old 01-04-2017, 03:03 PM
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this and you need to seek out support for yourself. It sounds like he is going to be away a long time and needing support for the long term and if you are going to support him you need your support network to atay strong.

Remember you cannot change how others feel and react we can onlybe responsible for ourselves.

Goodluck
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Old 01-04-2017, 03:15 PM
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I can empathize with your situation. Good for you for sticking by your friend. It is important, very important, for them to stay connected with the people who know that they are more than even the worst thing they've ever done, and who continue to see and affirm their humanity, and see them as worthy of love.

I also know that it can be very, very hard to be that person.

And, I know this: When it's a family member or a lifelong friend -- those relationships are foundational. These are relationships where we know what shaped each other, and made us the people we are; we were a part of that formative story. So to hear that someone is accused or guilty of a violent act can be a profoundly disorienting experience. Whatever sense of disorientation you and his other friends are having, that is very real, because this situation cuts right at the foundation of what you think you knew about people and the world. There can be immense grief, as well.

In saying that I don't mean to diminish the anger that you feel at these other people, and your sense of abandonment on his behalf and on yours. It's just to validate the depth of the intensity and confusion. Some people rise to that occasion, others do not.

Take care of yourself, this will be a marathon and not a sprint.

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Old 01-04-2017, 03:15 PM
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It's possible to love the person and hate the crime. For some, heck for most of us, it's difficult to reconcile the two. Time helps. Letting everyone have their feelings around it helps. Taking care of yourself helps.

Recognize that many, many people who end up serving long sentences lose contact with their "best friends" and family. It's an unfortunate circumstance along an already difficult path but it isn't unique to him or his crime.

Hang in there. One day at a time.
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Old 01-04-2017, 04:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blissey View Post
My loved one is in for a serious, horrifying, and very violent crime. But the circumstances are extenuating. That is, he was messed up on some seriously wrong doctor prescribed medications combined with alcohol. The crime is completely out of character for him. The only other things on his record are a DUI, and a petty high school fight back when he was 17. Other than that he's had his bouts of depression, but always pressed on. He had big plans before all this suddenly happened!

There's no excusing what he did, but why is everyone save for very few people turning their back on him!? I feel myself becoming a very angry, dark and hateful person through all this!!

Some of his close long term friends will speak to me for hours about how they had just saw him days before the crime, it makes no sense, it was the meds, they love him etc. But when asked to be a character witness, or write a statement, suddenly they're "too busy" or worry about people finding out they were friends with him!! They worry about their reputation!? People are so quick to turn their backs on someone they called a best friend and or loved for decades!

Yes, his crime was heinous, but is that really a reason to turn your back on someone you love, especially when it's bizarre and out of character?!

I'm sticking by him! I am very passionate about him getting help and mitigating his case, rather than death or LWOP! And people are labeling me evil and disgusting for that! I'm getting so much hate, but I refuse to stop!

What is wrong with people!! I feel like i'm going crazy!! I don't know what to do.
My experience is that everyone, family and friends, have to go through their own process to come to terms with it. This is a process that will repeat in another way upon release too. Some people will disappoint, some will surprise positively, just try to be accepting of that. My wife stuck with me through 8 years in prison. It's a tough, long road for anyone. I got through it all by accepting that everyone does the best they can under the circumstances. Celebrate your and his friends that come through and prove themselves to "be there" through thick and thin. Don't write anyone off, or become bitter, because some do come around.
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Old 01-04-2017, 06:45 PM
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The responses you received are really on point. I do want to add as well that some people "run away" from the one who did the crime (or was accused of doing it) but then come back a bit later after they have processed what is going on and their feelings about it. If you are able to, I suggest leaving a "door open" for people to come back at a later point. IE: don't focus on your anger or feelings of betrayal, keep in some sort of touch with them and dont push them regarding their relationship with your LO. Now, many might just be gone for good. And that is that.

Also I found in my situation that many people were afraid to be associated with my now husband after he was charged with the crime he is now doing time for but as I stood tall (at least outwardly) and spoke of my relationship with him without fear or shame it eventually gave others courage to do so as well. One of my husband's best friends, and current supports, was one of the these.
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Old 01-04-2017, 08:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blissey View Post
I feel myself becoming a very angry, dark and hateful person through all this!!

They worry about their reputation!? People are so quick to turn their backs on someone they called a best friend and or loved for decades!

What is wrong with people!! I feel like i'm going crazy!! I don't know what to do.
"angry, dark and hateful person" I'm sure that's not what you are. That's why feeling that way bothers you. I have felt that. You are staying by your LO. Good for you.

"They worry about their reputation!?" Yes some people worry and that is common. A difficult reality. Many on this site have gone through similar difficult experiences. Yours sounds tougher than most. I'm sorry but people disappear and fade away. I hope a few good ones emerge for you.

"I don't know what to do." So far so good. There is no right way or wrong way. No one should judge your decisions or feelings especially when they have not walked in your shoes. But some will. You will find, for the most part, people on this site will not judge. I hope you find some support you're looking for here.
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Old 01-04-2017, 09:39 PM
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It's so easy to become bitter when people abandon you in hard times. I don't know if they think it's "contagious" or if there's guilt by association. We have learned that from the experience of our son's arrest & sentence. All his friends disappeared after the arrest hit the papers. His employer was supportive until he was released (after 6 months) & wanted to return to work. They had said he would have a job waiting. It's been over 2 years & he still is "waiting".

Letting the rejection get to you is hard to avoid but try your best. It says more about that person that anything else. Find new people to enrich your life. Join a church, become an advocate for reform, help change the perception of people who have been or are incarcerated. Every one of them has a story to go with the label. Help people see beyond that. Write letters to your elected officials, try to join or start a support group in your area. Every positive thing you do will recharge your spirit. Let others see that you have been knocked down but have the courage & power to stand back up & keep going forward. Good luck to you!
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Old 01-05-2017, 05:15 AM
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thank you to everyone who put in such thoughtful words. i have read them all and deeply appreciate each and every one.

in fact when ever i feel myself down i'll probably find myself returning to this thread and reading all these nice replies again!!
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Old 01-05-2017, 08:30 AM
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I have dealt with the same thing everyone claimed to be my boyfriends friend he has so many brothers and what not but soon as he got locked up everyone went ghost no besides me and his brother and one of his close friends no one writes, goes to visit, answers his calls, try to look out for him or anything. Yet these we're the people he was tryna look out for when he was out. I learned to deal with the fact that everyone is not truly in your corner and everyone doesn't fuck with you like they say my boyfriend knows who is really for him and who was just on some fake shit and it does suck cause you see all these people around when he up but when he down it's very selct few who care. I just keep a positive attitude and pray that he sees stuff for what it really is and when he comes home he leaves fake people alone. You continue to stand by him even when it gets hard cause you feel like your holding him down on your own. Just think about it like this he got to have someone real on his team and clearly that's you it does get hard but at least he has someone real. Don't let the actions of others affext what you are doing and have going. Your strong you'll be alright! ��
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Old 01-05-2017, 01:26 PM
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The sad fact of the matter is that the longer you are locked away the more out of sight out of mind you become. When my son was locked up many of his so called friends disappeared and he only had family and one or two friends stay in touch.
Its true you find out who your friends are most of so called friends where just glad it was him and not them.
Add to that a heinous crime and some people will not be able able to handle that or be associated with it regardless of whether they are friend or family.
You need to look after yourself so you can be strong for your friend.
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