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  #101  
Old 12-02-2016, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by MrsScoops View Post
The institution of marriage should be sacred. "Should be" because I know to many it is not.
My husband and I are in this for the long haul....
There is no room for outsiders. There is no room for riffraff, trifling, lying or deceit.
Fidelity IS the easier softer way.
Keep in mind that not all who post here are married and not all who are married have the same view of marriage.

I of course fully respect your views on marriage and relationships. Outside of the walls I adhere to that. But I'm not about to pretend that I know what it's like to be a woman incarcerated. I can only go by what Dee and other women I have gotten to know through her tell me.

Research articles that I've read seem to indicate that there's more permissiveness and openness amongst the females for same-sex relationships inside, romantic or not.

The question one might ask me would be "well E, would you be this permissive once she's on the outside?" And the answer is "no" and neither would she because, beyond sex (which is obviously something that's about 0% possible until she comes home,) there are emotional needs that I can't take care of consistently right now because the way prison is set up I can't possibly do so for more than a phone call (limited to 15 minutes at a time), a letter (which is a very one-way form of communication, great way to reassure but involves no interaction) or a visit (which requires a 540 mile round trip.) I accepted that early on and opted instead to be able to be open with her and supportive of her. Say what you want for absolute fidelity...it works in a stable situation, but in our situation dealing with what one might call "infidelity" (permitted or not) and being able to speak openly about it with one another strengthened our relationship and made us more sure about wanting to make this work on the outside.

Your point of view....works for you. Probably works for most. And I respect it. And I agree, in general, that it's the best way. But each relationship and each individual within a relationship have their own needs. Dee and I have handled our relationship during her time in prison in a way that works for us. As we've gotten closer to the date we've taken the "traditional approach" but I can honestly say, for our circumstances, I don't know how we would have gotten there without her having the ability to do what she needed to do to get through the time, and I'm grateful to the women, platonic or otherwise, who have taken on positive roles in her life and helped her get through the last five years (except one, but that's a story.)
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  #102  
Old 12-14-2016, 02:52 PM
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I recently learned that my wife had an intimate relationship with another prisoner for around 7 years. I only heard about it after her "close friend" paroled. I thought we shared everything. I was wrong.
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  #103  
Old 12-14-2016, 03:01 PM
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I recently learned that my wife had an intimate relationship with another prisoner for around 7 years. I only heard about it after her "close friend" paroled. I thought we shared everything. I was wrong.
Quite a revelation...but at the same time, it sort of further underscores the dynamics of relationships of people who find themselves in prison.

Have you spoken with her about it?
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  #104  
Old 12-14-2016, 03:12 PM
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Quite a revelation...but at the same time, it sort of further underscores the dynamics of relationships of people who find themselves in prison.

Have you spoken with her about it?
We discussed it at our visit last Sunday. I'm still digesting it. She asked me to call her friend and give her a message, which I did.

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  #105  
Old 12-14-2016, 03:18 PM
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I recently learned that my wife had an intimate relationship with another prisoner for around 7 years. I only heard about it after her "close friend" paroled. I thought we shared everything. I was wrong.
That's crazy! I hope you are ok and are able to talk with her about it.
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  #106  
Old 12-14-2016, 03:27 PM
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I'm still trying to get my mind around it. We'll definitely be talking about it.
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  #107  
Old 12-14-2016, 10:29 PM
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I actively avoid emotional attachments to casual sex partners. I don't want a relationship with them. I have one with my wife. With them, sex is like voiding my bladder; a bodily function which, after I perform, I'm comfortable until I need to do it again.
Oh, WW, that has to be the sentiment that wins the Grand Prix of why going on Craigslist for casual hookups is ... dirty. Personally, I love the honesty.

I am not picking, by the way. But you are indicting sex-for-pressure-relief, even if you didn't intend to, aren't you? I mean, which one of the casual ladies would actually want to know she was the 'toilet'?
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  #108  
Old 12-15-2016, 06:59 AM
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Oh, WW, that has to be the sentiment that wins the Grand Prix of why going on Craigslist for casual hookups is ... dirty. Personally, I love the honesty.

I am not picking, by the way. But you are indicting sex-for-pressure-relief, even if you didn't intend to, aren't you? I mean, which one of the casual ladies would actually want to know she was the 'toilet'?
Winning a Grand Prix this way beats driving a Formula 1 car 200+ MPH.

I did mean "sex-for-pressure-relief". The ladies in question wouldn't like being called a porcelain convenience any more than I'd like being called a dildo. It takes two to tangle. They're using me as much as I am them. Everybody walks away with something positive. It's a win-win situation.
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  #109  
Old 12-15-2016, 09:23 AM
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Gentleman this is a website for families please keep your posts to a PG level suitable for all ages.
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  #110  
Old 12-15-2016, 09:58 AM
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Agreed, while the topic of this thread is a good one, and I don't want to discourage frank conversation about it because I do think that some of us who have incarcerated LOs wind up in situations with our significant others where something like this might happen, if we could keep to the substance of the topic instead of getting into the nitty gritty of what we use/don't use other people for please.......we're here to support and educate, after all
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  #111  
Old 12-15-2016, 02:44 PM
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Agreed, while the topic of this thread is a good one, and I don't want to discourage frank conversation about it because I do think that some of us who have incarcerated LOs wind up in situations with our significant others where something like this might happen, if we could keep to the substance of the topic instead of getting into the nitty gritty of what we use/don't use other people for please.......we're here to support and educate, after all
Sorry.
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  #112  
Old 12-15-2016, 02:45 PM
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Gentleman this is a website for families please keep your posts to a PG level suitable for all ages.
Sorry.
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  #113  
Old 12-15-2016, 02:54 PM
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Sorry.
It's ok. For the most part we're all well over 18 here and can filter the things we read. In my opinion the thread title is enough warning for the more sensitive folks to bow out of participating. That said, we should try to watch our graphic language.

I'm sorry you've had a bit of a blow recently in the revelation about your wife's relationship. I'm guessing because you have had, as colorfully referenced, casual partners throughout her incarceration that it was the potential bond she had with this woman that is...I don't know, shocking or upsetting? Or it is the secrecy?

I learned long ago that "never would they" is a dangerous statement that usually bites me in the butt. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I'm wondering how I would feel if I learned that my partner had a long-term affair with someone inside. I guess it would feel the same as if they were out. :/

Again, I am sorry that happened. And for what it's worth, I think it was big of you to pass the message to her friend. I'm quite sure I would not have handled that with any grace.
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  #114  
Old 12-15-2016, 03:12 PM
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It's ok. For the most part we're all well over 18 here and can filter the things we read. In my opinion the thread title is enough warning for the more sensitive folks to bow out of participating. That said, we should try to watch our graphic language.

I'm sorry you've had a bit of a blow recently in the revelation about your wife's relationship. I'm guessing because you have had, as colorfully referenced, casual partners throughout her incarceration that it was the potential bond she had with this woman that is...I don't know, shocking or upsetting? Or it is the secrecy?

I learned long ago that "never would they" is a dangerous statement that usually bites me in the butt. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I'm wondering how I would feel if I learned that my partner had a long-term affair with someone inside. I guess it would feel the same as if they were out. :/

Again, I am sorry that happened. And for what it's worth, I think it was big of you to pass the message to her friend. I'm quite sure I would not have handled that with any grace.
I suppose "porcelain convenience" was a little racy! http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/ima...ons/icon11.gif

What's bothering me most was that she kept something so important to her, thus to us, a secret from me. I didn't have "casual partners throughout her incarceration". I remained celibate for years while we appealed/requested a sentence reduction/requested clemency. She brought up the subject of dating after we ran out of approaches to get her out.

She hid what she was doing to get convicted of from me. To be fair, she wasn't thinking clearly while she was doing it. She admitted everything to me later. I thought that was the end of secrecy between us. I've never hidden anything from her even if it was uncomfortable or painful. It's easier to accept that she had a relationship inside because she didn't choose someone else over me physically. It's hard because it was emotional as well as physical. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I was uncomfortable doing it but she was so upset I had to do it to calm her down.

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  #115  
Old 12-15-2016, 03:45 PM
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What's bothering me most was that she kept something so important to her, thus to us, a secret from me. I didn't have "casual partners throughout her incarceration". I remained celibate for years while we appealed/requested a sentence reduction/requested clemency. She brought up the subject of dating after we ran out of approaches to get her out.
Of course, I understand. I only meant that over a period of time you have had casual partners without emotional attachment.

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It's hard because it was emotional as well as physical. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Yes, that makes perfect sense. My husband has flat-out told me that he could understand a physical affair (not that he is ok with it, but would understand the "why") but an emotional attachment would be devastating. I think, at least as he explained it to me, he can't be there for me physically so he can explain that to himself. But he is there for me emotionally, so creating a bond with someone else is the same as saying he isn't enough for me.
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  #116  
Old 12-15-2016, 04:10 PM
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Of course, I understand. I only meant that over a period of time you have had casual partners without emotional attachment.
Yes, that makes perfect sense. My husband has flat-out told me that he could understand a physical affair (not that he is ok with it, but would understand the "why") but an emotional attachment would be devastating. I think, at least as he explained it to me, he can't be there for me physically so he can explain that to himself. But he is there for me emotionally, so creating a bond with someone else is the same as saying he isn't enough for me.
Tammy had some discomfort for a while with my "dating" but she got over it or she at least learned not to let it eat her brain. Prison made separating my physical from my emotional needs. I showed her in every way I could that it wasn't taking anything away from her. That wasn't the same with her. She was apparently in love. I try to see things from her perspective but I know I can't really understand what she's living though.
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  #117  
Old 12-15-2016, 05:07 PM
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I suppose "porcelain convenience" was a little racy! http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/ima...ons/icon11.gif

What's bothering me most was that she kept something so important to her, thus to us, a secret from me. I didn't have "casual partners throughout her incarceration". I remained celibate for years while we appealed/requested a sentence reduction/requested clemency. She brought up the subject of dating after we ran out of approaches to get her out.

She hid what she was doing to get convicted of from me. To be fair, she wasn't thinking clearly while she was doing it. She admitted everything to me later. I thought that was the end of secrecy between us. I've never hidden anything from her even if it was uncomfortable or painful. It's easier to accept that she had a relationship inside because she didn't choose someone else over me physically. It's hard because it was emotional as well as physical. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I was uncomfortable doing it but she was so upset I had to do it to calm her down.
I think....it's difficult to talk about something like that. Especially when it's more than just the physical connection.

When Dee and I had our talk a couple years ago, I actually think it was harder for her than for me. We've processed through it a couple of times since then......honestly, this is sort of the way I look at it (and I know some people strictly stick to 100% monogamous both physically and emotionally, and that's fine,) I would rather have that honesty and focus on what her bond with me is and what my bond with her is. That, to me, was the ultimate question. There were undoubtedly things that I could not provide for her not just in a physical sense but in a perpetual emotional sense throughout her sentence.

I'm less than 48 hours from a complete changeup. Maybe we'll have even further reflections farther on.....
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  #118  
Old 12-15-2016, 05:17 PM
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I think....it's difficult to talk about something like that. Especially when it's more than just the physical connection.

When Dee and I had our talk a couple years ago, I actually think it was harder for her than for me. We've processed through it a couple of times since then......honestly, this is sort of the way I look at it (and I know some people strictly stick to 100% monogamous both physically and emotionally, and that's fine,) I would rather have that honesty and focus on what her bond with me is and what my bond with her is. That, to me, was the ultimate question. There were undoubtedly things that I could not provide for her not just in a physical sense but in a perpetual emotional sense throughout her sentence.

I'm less than 48 hours from a complete changeup. Maybe we'll have even further reflections farther on.....
Communications can be very difficult under normal circumstances. It's doubly difficult to talk about very important, delicate, intimate things with them inside.

You and Dee have been communicating for a very long time. You've developed a strong and loving bond. Things should jut get better!
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  #119  
Old 12-27-2016, 05:38 PM
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Well in my case my LO is my husband and I would absolutely not be OK with him have sexual relations with another inmate if you know what I mean. He's a straight man who has never been gay for the stay so to speak. And I'm definitely not OK with him having sex with any female either. In the past when he was single he did have a sexual relationship with the rec...lady and she was married with three kids. What a pig. She turned out to be his parole officer and it continued until I met him and then he brought me to her office once and she was pissed. Let's just say we requested a transfer immediately so she wouldn't purposely violate him. I don't think men should be allowed to work in a female prison or vice versa .....only at the front desk where they check in people is about it.
I agree with you all the way no man should ever be hired to work in a females correctional facility I served 5 years in Florida don't get me wrong not all of them are power crazy sexist pigs we always got the nice caring one now and again men are not to be trusted in a position of power over women in my view
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Old 12-28-2016, 08:10 AM
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The federal government requires equal job opportunities for both genders, appropriate or not. The only cure for political correctness run amok is voting for people who won't force things down your throat.
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Old 12-28-2016, 09:11 AM
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The federal government requires equal job opportunities for both genders, appropriate or not. The only cure for political correctness run amok is voting for people who won't force things down your throat.
Still IMO they should not be able to work in a make prison and men shouldn't work in a woman prison it's just not right.
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Old 12-28-2016, 11:20 AM
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I agree with you all the way no man should ever be hired to work in a females correctional facility I served 5 years in Florida don't get me wrong not all of them are power crazy sexist pigs we always got the nice caring one now and again men are not to be trusted in a position of power over women in my view
I'm so grateful there are female COs and auxiliary staff in my husband's facility. I don't want to lean too heavily on gender roles here, but the inmates benefit from the balance it provides. Not all men are abrasive, not all women are maternal, but it does create some balance. And that's not even touching the ways having contact/exposure to a single-gender would work against long-term offenders potential for reintegration.
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Old 12-28-2016, 03:47 PM
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If my guy had been with another inmate I would be devastated. He expects full loyalty from me out here which I keep up to and he would never accept me cheating on him, so I don't think i would be able to forgive him, I still view it as cheating if he did that. He would break the trust in our relationship and that is what is the most important and helps to keep us together in this circumstance
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Old 12-28-2016, 04:52 PM
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I'm so grateful there are female COs and auxiliary staff in my husband's facility. I don't want to lean too heavily on gender roles here, but the inmates benefit from the balance it provides. Not all men are abrasive, not all women are maternal, but it does create some balance. And that's not even touching the ways having contact/exposure to a single-gender would work against long-term offenders potential for reintegration.
Statistics show men's prisons where there are women COs are less violent. That should be something everyone wants.
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Old 01-16-2017, 04:04 PM
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My wife told me at our last visit that she loves me but I should find someone to be happy with. I'm dealing with her having an affair with another inmate that she kept secret from me. Nothing's changed with her sentence. She's not going to be able to come home. I'm not sure what I'm going to do or even what she wants or expects me to do.
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