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  #51  
Old 05-31-2018, 09:28 PM
rockchalk1 rockchalk1 is offline
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Reading this thread and what you're going through I have to admit, is exhausting! It's nice that she came out, and I don't know how far you are from the prison, or how hard it it to make a visit, or limited the visiting hours are, but you went out of your way to visit her and whether you took a day off of work, or drove far, or whatever it is, you made her a priority. Her headache wasn't going to go away, just because she went back to the prison. My husband once told me spending 8 hours with me, just sitting there, no matter what, is better than being in the actual camp. There's a new CO that is all of a sudden strip seaching the guys after visits (new as of 2 weeks ago). I apologized to him that he has to go through that, and he said it's worth it and he could care less, if it gets him out of there. Some guys are making a stink about it, to him, big deal. If the guy gets his jollies by demeaning them, my husband doesn't care. Anyway, my point is, come hell or high water, the headache should not have been a reason to cut your visit short, especially when you went out of your way to come see her. I don't know how it is in state/county (I think that's where you said she is) but in Federal prison, inmates are actually not allowed to decline a visit if someone is on their list. They have to actually come to the visitor center, see the person, and then they can leave right away. If it's the same where she is, then she would have had to come see you. The good news is that she didn't hastily take you off your list.

She is obviously insecure. When you are on the inside, you have no control in regard to what the person on the outside is doing, so anything is going to make you jealous. She also is probably listening to what nonsense everyone there is feeding. My husband has told me that at least two of the guys where he is have wives and girlfriends that come visit on alternate weekends. Of course, in one case, the wife and g/f accidentally came on the same weekend and the inmate actually explained his way out of that one unbelievably. So imagine what it is like for her wondering if you're out dating, etc. No amount of words will be reassuring. It's probably no different than a situation where you're married to someone else and she's the other woman wondering what you might be doing with your wife and she can't contact you or see you when she wants. Obviously, not the same but similar. She should know better, because you've been there, she is in prison, and you aren't even married. If you didn't give a shit, why would you even bother? To me, when couples aren't married or have kids, there's no real reason to go through the motions. Easier to just move on. But you're sticking around for the long haul. But she has to figure that out. To me, if she can't trust you and see that you are there for her and that her bs behavior hasn't driven you away yet, then she is completely missing the boat and may not deserve you. This behavior from her and her insecurities are NOT going to stop. You have to think long and hard if you are up for this for the long term because it is clearly not going to stop now or when she is out. She should not be dictating to you who you can talk to and under no circumstances should she be telling you that you can't have friends, because they are females, including friends that you knew before her. I think that is terrible and while she's on the inside you need all the friends you can get. Just like you don't know what it's like for her, she has no idea what you're going through. I wouldn't stand for my husband telling me to stop talking to my male friends. He f'd up, I didn't. I'm not going to punish myself more because of his screw ups. He has to suffer the consequences. If he can't trust me when he's in there, that's on him, not me.

You should think long and hard if you want to put up with this. You may love her, but I would consider putting some space between you and not chase her. See if she comes to you or not. Regardless, she needs to have a wake up call and know that she can not manipulate you like this. Otherwise, she will do this throughout your relationship and as someone else mentioned it is bullying and ultimately that is just another form of abuse.
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  #52  
Old 06-01-2018, 03:58 AM
RoninXavier RoninXavier is offline
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Reading this thread and what you're going through I have to admit, is exhausting! It's nice that she came out, and I don't know how far you are from the prison, or how hard it it to make a visit, or limited the visiting hours are, but you went out of your way to visit her and whether you took a day off of work, or drove far, or whatever it is, you made her a priority. Her headache wasn't going to go away, just because she went back to the prison. My husband once told me spending 8 hours with me, just sitting there, no matter what, is better than being in the actual camp. There's a new CO that is all of a sudden strip seaching the guys after visits (new as of 2 weeks ago). I apologized to him that he has to go through that, and he said it's worth it and he could care less, if it gets him out of there. Some guys are making a stink about it, to him, big deal. If the guy gets his jollies by demeaning them, my husband doesn't care. Anyway, my point is, come hell or high water, the headache should not have been a reason to cut your visit short, especially when you went out of your way to come see her. I don't know how it is in state/county (I think that's where you said she is) but in Federal prison, inmates are actually not allowed to decline a visit if someone is on their list. They have to actually come to the visitor center, see the person, and then they can leave right away. If it's the same where she is, then she would have had to come see you. The good news is that she didn't hastily take you off your list.

She is obviously insecure. When you are on the inside, you have no control in regard to what the person on the outside is doing, so anything is going to make you jealous. She also is probably listening to what nonsense everyone there is feeding. My husband has told me that at least two of the guys where he is have wives and girlfriends that come visit on alternate weekends. Of course, in one case, the wife and g/f accidentally came on the same weekend and the inmate actually explained his way out of that one unbelievably. So imagine what it is like for her wondering if you're out dating, etc. No amount of words will be reassuring. It's probably no different than a situation where you're married to someone else and she's the other woman wondering what you might be doing with your wife and she can't contact you or see you when she wants. Obviously, not the same but similar. She should know better, because you've been there, she is in prison, and you aren't even married. If you didn't give a shit, why would you even bother? To me, when couples aren't married or have kids, there's no real reason to go through the motions. Easier to just move on. But you're sticking around for the long haul. But she has to figure that out. To me, if she can't trust you and see that you are there for her and that her bs behavior hasn't driven you away yet, then she is completely missing the boat and may not deserve you. This behavior from her and her insecurities are NOT going to stop. You have to think long and hard if you are up for this for the long term because it is clearly not going to stop now or when she is out. She should not be dictating to you who you can talk to and under no circumstances should she be telling you that you can't have friends, because they are females, including friends that you knew before her. I think that is terrible and while she's on the inside you need all the friends you can get. Just like you don't know what it's like for her, she has no idea what you're going through. I wouldn't stand for my husband telling me to stop talking to my male friends. He f'd up, I didn't. I'm not going to punish myself more because of his screw ups. He has to suffer the consequences. If he can't trust me when he's in there, that's on him, not me.

You should think long and hard if you want to put up with this. You may love her, but I would consider putting some space between you and not chase her. See if she comes to you or not. Regardless, she needs to have a wake up call and know that she can not manipulate you like this. Otherwise, she will do this throughout your relationship and as someone else mentioned it is bullying and ultimately that is just another form of abuse.
First off... I would like to thank you and everyone for taking the time to talk to me about this issue. It is much appreciated.

When she is not locked up and she starts behaving this way. It's easier for me to confront her to tell her that she herself would not appreciate it if I acted in the same manner. She usually realizes her mistake and very promptly apologize.

But being in prison changed that. It's become harder for me to say what has to be said. Because I actually put myself in her shoes and it's quite possible my own insecurities would kick in given if the situation was reversed.

It's going to be a rough road ahead of us. I already for see this. I guess I just need to be patient and loving but yet firm and not let her control me. I just have to find the balance.
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  #53  
Old 06-01-2018, 04:49 AM
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Just an update on this drama filled situation.

She called me last night and talked for awhile. Roughly 1.5 hrs of repeated 15 min calls. Expensive yes but we were able to talk about a few issues. And hopefully somewhat resolved them. I know it's going to take constant work but it's a step.

Funny thing is her bunkie called me first they call her Gramma. She's the oldest person locked up there she's in her late 60s.

Little background on her relationship with me. I ended up befriending her because her kids and grandkids have never visited or attempted to make any kind of connection to her since she got locked up. She's serving 4 1 year sentences in 4 different counties and this is her 2nd. Her husband died while she was inside and she couldn't go to the funeral. She calls me like once a month just to talk also I write her letters not often once a month thing also. And I put a little money on her books not much but enough to get her something once a month.

Don't get me wrong I'm not naive. She's not playing me I asked a lot of questions before I started all this. My gf actually told me about her first and she was crying so I told her to let me talk to her to calm her down and give her some hope(she doesn't speak much English and has troubles communicating... Since I also speak Spanish I was able to talk to her) ... So I did ever since then we became kind of like friends. If and when my gf gets transferred out she calls me to let me know also if she's on like a 24 he lock down she calls me to tell me what's going on. She hasn't lied to me... I checked I called the jail and got info from the CO's that know me there.

Ok back to the story. She called me and told me that my gf was crying all night. It's the first time ever that I raised my voice while talking to her and she couldn't process... Yes I yelled because I do not like being accused even after it's been proven by her own sister that I'm not doing anything. After her sister went through my phone.

She told my gf to call me because she will regret losing someone like me. So she did. And we talked.

No yelling no tantrums just talked. At the end of the convo we touched upon a lot of subjects some more in-depth than others... And we were laughing and being our normal self again.

Will this episode happen again. More than likely. But for now it's been squashed.

It's her first formal hearing today... Getting ready to meet up with her lawyer

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  #54  
Old 06-01-2018, 05:09 AM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
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Just an update on this drama filled situation.

She called me last night and talked for awhile. Roughly 1.5 hrs of repeated 15 min calls. Expensive yes but we were able to talk about a few issues. And hopefully somewhat resolved them. I know it's going to take constant work but it's a step.

Funny thing is her bunkie called me first they call her Gramma. She's the oldest person locked up there she's in her late 60s.

Little background on her relationship with me. I ended up befriending her because her kids and grandkids have never visited or attempted to make any kind of connection to her since she got locked up. She's serving 4 1 year sentences in 4 different counties and this is her 2nd. Her husband died while she was inside and she couldn't go to the funeral. She calls me like once a month just to talk also I write her letters not often once a month thing also. And I put a little money on her books not much but enough to get her something once a month.

Don't get me wrong I'm not naive. She's not playing me I asked a lot of questions before I started all this. My gf actually told me about her first and she was crying so I told her to let me talk to her to calm her down and give her some hope(she doesn't speak much English and has troubles communicating... Since I also speak Spanish I was able to talk to her) ... So I did ever since then we became kind of like friends. If and when my gf gets transferred out she calls me to let me know also if she's on like a 24 he lock down she calls me to tell me what's going on. She hasn't lied to me... I checked I called the jail and got info from the CO's that know me there.

Ok back to the story. She called me and told me that my gf was crying all night. It's the first time ever that I raised my voice while talking to her and she couldn't process... Yes I yelled because I do not like being accused even after it's been proven by her own sister that I'm not doing anything. After her sister went through my phone.

She told my gf to call me because she will regret losing someone like me. So she did. And we talked.

No yelling no tantrums just talked. At the end of the convo we touched upon a lot of subjects some more in-depth than others... And we were laughing and being our normal self again.

Will this episode happen again. More than likely. But for now it's been squashed.

It's her first formal hearing today... Getting ready to meet up with her lawyer
This part is a roller coaster of emotions. I'm glad you guys started clearing the air. Hopefully, the case isn't too serious and she can get a treatment program and such if it is her first offense.

Also, with today being what it is you all have to be a bundle of nerves. Patience and good communication is the only way to get through this. Be prepared for a lot of starts and stops, a lot of hurt up and waits when it comes to the court system. It is taxing for you and for her. The unknown is scary.

Wishing you guys luck
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Old 06-01-2018, 07:15 AM
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I just wanted to echo what Nim suggested.
Alanon, Naranon.
They are 12 step groups very similar to the AA and NA groups but for family, friends of Addicts/Alcoholics

You should go to a few meetings. You dont have to say anything, just listen.
You'll learn alot.


Im glad this crapstorm has eased for now.




edited to add STEP to the comment.
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  #56  
Old 06-01-2018, 11:02 AM
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She is really lucky to have you!!
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Old 06-01-2018, 04:24 PM
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This part is a roller coaster of emotions. I'm glad you guys started clearing the air. Hopefully, the case isn't too serious and she can get a treatment program and such if it is her first offense.

Also, with today being what it is you all have to be a bundle of nerves. Patience and good communication is the only way to get through this. Be prepared for a lot of starts and stops, a lot of hurt up and waits when it comes to the court system. It is taxing for you and for her. The unknown is scary.

Wishing you guys luck
This is definitely just that... A rollercoaster of emotions. We talked about this last night also.. not knowing how long sucks big time. Well also she has agreed to go into rehab after her prison or jail sentence if she doesn't get the help she needs while inside.

She also admitted being afraid of losing me. I wrote her a letter and I titled it "home"

And she quoted something from that letter that I wrote down and she kept reading over and over and got scared.

"All my life I didn't know that I was homeless until you walked through the door of my car (I was driving for Uber on the side to make a little extra cash). Little by little we created something that we can be proud of first a friendship then a great love... then something neither of us ever had... a home.

Try not to worry about anything, when you get back, this same home will be waiting for you...

You will not be replaced, I can not replace you... Because with out you this is just 4 walls and a roof nothing more..."

She got scared because she didn't want to lose me or the home we built .. not the house but the thing that we built together.

She actually quoted it verbatim.. with out skipping a word or stuttering. This why I believed her when she said she kept reading it over and over.
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Old 06-01-2018, 04:36 PM
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How did today go?
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Old 06-01-2018, 04:43 PM
RoninXavier RoninXavier is offline
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How did today go?
Stupid
Ok since there are charges in 2 different counties
The current county she is in requested papers from the other county weeks ago (which carried heavier charges)

They just received them yesterday and since there was around 185 pages to go through the DA office asked for a continuance so court date for this county has been moved until mid July .

Now she is going to get transferred back probably Monday to her original county her next court date for that one is the 24th of this month and this should be where we will find out how long she got for this county.

Her lawyer and the judge was confused as to why the county that has the heavier charges is not taking lead on this one. Apparently they refused to take all 3 of the charges. They just wanted to do two. So far neither county will take lead so her lawyer sees this as a good thing. According to him if he can get a lighter sentence on the one with heavier charges it is more than likely that the court with the lighter charge will allow concurrent sentences

Yup there ya go
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  #60  
Old 06-01-2018, 04:46 PM
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Sometimes the longer it takes the better. The in between sucks, but keep her on the right path and busy in there. The more productive she can be the better it looks for her plus will keep.her mind occupied and out of trouble.
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Old 06-01-2018, 04:51 PM
RoninXavier RoninXavier is offline
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Sometimes the longer it takes the better. The in between sucks, but keep her on the right path and busy in there. The more productive she can be the better it looks for her plus will keep.her mind occupied and out of trouble.
Ya she's been taken a lot of little classes from drug and alcohol to MRT? To Bible study classes she's been doing pretty well with keeping busy. She's even thinking about joining parenting classes for when she gets out and have/start a family.
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Old 06-04-2018, 11:00 AM
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Fear can make us do some outrageous things. I'm trying to keep that in mind if I get to talk to her today. She hasn't called since the incident and I'm not really sure if she will at this point. I really hope that she allows this visit because I desperately need to talk to her.

I'm here now waiting. 12pm sign up for visits and visits doesn't start until 1230

How did your visit go?
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Old 06-04-2018, 11:14 AM
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How did your visit go?
The Thursday visit ended after 10 mins she walked away and said she didn't want to talk because of her headache.

But the Sunday visit went great. We talked for around 3 hours and had a very long convo about everything.

Unfortunately I missed her first 2 calls last night. I fell asleep exhausting day. I talked to her on her third call.

Then it's back to being a "cheater" or "liar" after that. I asked her... Actually I begged her to stop accusing me. She hasn't called since then. Again I don't know if or when she is going to call .

I took screen shots of my phone log and printed them out and sent it to the jail she is getting transferred to sometime this week. I'm hoping I timed that properly. Also I have written her tons of letters since she was transferred some of them I sent but since we were expecting her to get moved today( which apparently she wasn't ) I didn't send the others.

Update I just called the jail she is currently in. She has not been transferred back. She just hasn't felt like calling me.

This really sucks.
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Old 06-04-2018, 12:20 PM
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I feel for you as you dont deserve to be her emotional punch bag. You shouldnt have to be sending your phone logs.
There is such a lack of trust that things will only get worse if she doesnt start to deal with her issues.
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Old 06-04-2018, 12:26 PM
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Her behaviour would push me away at this point.

This is like a game of Whack-a-Mole and you're the mole. Have you read up on co-dependency? I'm wondering what it is that you get from this that keeps you here.
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Old 06-04-2018, 12:51 PM
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What I get from this.

It was never like this before jail. It was good I mean really good. Our life was amazing. It seems like something popped up after like something buried. I guess this wouldn't be an ideal time for something like this to happen. But at least I see it now. And we can try to figure out to a positive solution to the issue.

When she first went in. I told her that I will not better her trust and I will not abandon her. Only way I would even consider the notion of leaving... If she decides to have another relationship with someone else. Be it an emotional or physical one. She knows this.

So may times I see people leave relationships that are broken. With out even attempting to do what they can to fix it. Yes what we have is broken apparently she has huge jealousy issues and insecurities.... But so do I. Any person who has lived this life has this to some degree. Some more than others.

As for the codependency issues. I'm staring at this word. And I keep thinking aren't we supposed to be depending on each other when we are in a relationship? I mean in a positive manner. Which we do. We push each other to be better. We try our best to make each other laugh.. we try our best to help each other in anyway. At this point in time she can't do much for me other than the emotional part. Which I talked to her about. I do really understand her jealousy and fear. Not to the degree that she's feeling it. But I understand why she would feel this way.

If I take all her past and add in her current situation I get this picture and it will get worse before it can get better. She's going to have to face certain issues and so am I. This is hard enough to do on the outside world but now that she's in there it makes even harder to talk to her and try to resolve this issue but I'm willing to try I really hope she will be also.

I just wish there was some way to get a message to her right now to call me. But unfortunately I don't think there is.

So all I can do right now is wait. I should really work today. But I'm really not in the mood right now
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Old 06-04-2018, 01:17 PM
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[...] But I do think she is projecting from her past experience and I'm just the one having to deal with her past issues with men, from physical and emotional abuse, to rapes to infidelity.

And even before she went in, I've been trying to gain her trust. So she tries to find even the most miniscule thing to show her " oh he's just another asshole" . But when she really can't find a reason I think she gets frustrated in admitting that not all guys are cheaters and assholes.
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It was never like this before jail. It was good I mean really good. Our life was amazing. It seems like something popped up after like something buried.
It seems like it was like this before she went in, it's just magnified now that all of the shiny things of life outside have been stripped away.

When people point to their past and say things like "everyone is an asshole" or "everyone leaves eventually", at some point that person has to realize that the only common denominator in those situations is them. Any chance those "assholes" also got the third degree whenever she felt the need to lash out?

Look-- I had an ex who also had an "everyone leaves" attitude. In the beginning he was like this sweet guy who just got sh*t on by everyone and I couldn't for the life of me understand why he had such bad luck. Rotten childhood, lying exes. The whole nine. About six-nine months in, his drinking dominated our life together. A year in I had become "too emotional" for him. Two years in he was screaming at me and had hoarded my house until I had one room left of my own things. When I broke it off, he stalked me and threatened suicide so I might "finally get it". But in between those moments, he was a loving, fragile person who could say and do the nicest things.


I ran into his previous wife in the store after we'd been apart a while. I'd met her once before. I told her we weren't together anymore and her response? "I'm so glad you survived". Turns out our ex in common was quite habitual-- she'd been told the same stories, the same guilt trips, dealt with his addiction. He hadn't changed one bit between the time he manipulated her to the time he'd moved on to me.

Point being-- sometimes people get stuck in a story line so long that they live to perpetuate it. The bodies of the characters around them change, but inevitably they will cast them into the roles they know best. You can't fix that. But you will pay for it.
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Old 06-04-2018, 02:44 PM
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Co--dependency seems a little hard for you to define, Ronin? Interdependence is being like a pair of dancers working together on a routine. Codependence is one partner dragging ass through the routine while the other one doubles his/her energy output to make up for it. And smiling and making excuses.

Basically, it's the making excuses and filling in all the time that makes it co-dependent.
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Old 06-04-2018, 03:09 PM
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Co--dependency seems a little hard for you to define, Ronin? Interdependence is being like a pair of dancers working together on a routine. Codependence is one partner dragging ass through the routine while the other one doubles his/her energy output to make up for it. And smiling and making excuses.

Basically, it's the making excuses and filling in all the time that makes it co-dependent.
It's only codependent if only one side is making an effort right? She is making an effort in different ways. She's trying and wanting to change from her drug issues that hurt our relationship to some trust issues that we are trying to work out. All the way to her mental issues. And she's using our relationship as an anchor to fix these things she understands these things are hurting us and hurting me.... she wants to change, she's trying to change.

Will she trip and tumble through it. Possibly. Will I help her out and keep picking her up so she can continue moving forward yes.

Maybe I do struggle with codependency? That this relationship can be one sided. But from my perspective it's not. Maybe it's more my side at this point in time because she is limited in what she can do for me. But it really isn't one sided. Never has been .

Meh who knows I'm a little scatter brain right now. I'll revisit this later when I'm a little more emotionally stable
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Old 06-04-2018, 03:52 PM
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You cant rescue her and fix her with love, she has to deal with her issues.I dont know what you are getting out of all of this, but it sounds a very complex and difficult situation.
I hope you get some support for yourself.Others have suggested support groups for families of addicts.
Please look into that dont let her addictions and behavior destroy you.
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Old 06-06-2018, 05:20 PM
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Just so tired
Can someone talk to me before I do something stupid
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Old 06-06-2018, 05:23 PM
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Just so tired
Can someone talk to me before I do something stupid
What's up? Have you heard from her again?
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Old 06-06-2018, 05:35 PM
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What's up? Have you heard from her again?
Ya it's been crazy
Few days ago she accused me of talking with another woman because I missed her call... I literally fell asleep and didn't hear the phone. I'm exhausted.

Then it calmed down and she was her normal self again all loving...

We had another visit today at 12:30-1-30
It was really good. She's saying a lot of good stuff how much she misses me and misses our home.
I asked her if she loves me. She says yes
I asked her if she loves me enough to marry me... She says yes.

She was saying she loves me until I couldn't see her anymore...

Then at 4pm... She calls.
She asks "how do you know the chick besides us"
I don't know her at all. I've never seen her before. She said I was checking her out( the other chick)... I'm trying to tell her I'm checking out my GF not some other chick. I miss you
Now she's accusing me of this
Also she says "well you know what?? Back in December and febuary I went on a date with Dan"
Her ex...

I asked her if she slept with him.. she didn't answer this question. She knows if she did... I would walk away.

Now I don't know if she really did it or if she's doing it to hurt me.

I tried to hold it in... I was doing some Uber driving today. Talked to this old man one of my random passengers and I literally just broke down and cried.
A female passenger asked if I was ok later on... And she thinks it was done because she wanted to hurt me and gain some kind of control.

"Women loves to have control, when they don't they try to get it anyway they can"

I literally called crisis hotline because I couldn't think straight and needed someone to talk to... I still need someone to talk to
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Old 06-06-2018, 05:40 PM
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I literally called crisis hotline because I couldn't think straight and needed someone to talk to... I still need someone to talk to
I'm glad you did. I've used them before, too. They can be really helpful. I prefer the chat option, but I'm grateful they're all there for us when we need them.

Question for you--
Why is it that sleeping with "Dan" is a hard line for you but being knocked six ways from Sunday with accusations OK? Both are hurtful, the fact that she flaunted it is borderline sadistic. But those are my opinions, I'm curious about yours...
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Old 06-06-2018, 05:44 PM
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I'm glad you did. I've used them before, too. They can be really helpful. I prefer the chat option, but I'm grateful they're all there for us when we need them.

Question for you--
Why is it that sleeping with "Dan" is a hard line for you but being knocked six ways from Sunday with accusations OK? Both are hurtful, the fact that she flaunted it is borderline sadistic. But those are my opinions, I'm curious about yours...
Everyone has a line. That is mine. And she knows that. I can take a lot of shit. I will put up with a lot of shit comes with being a Marine corps combat vet. But being unfaithful to me. Is my hard line.


Also. I don't fully believe that she did have a date with Dan. While she was out. Maybe she did. But I need to know for sure if she's telling the truth or if she's saying this because she was being insecure again.

Last edited by RoninXavier; 06-06-2018 at 05:48 PM..
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