Is Love enough?

[Diazma]

Long timers partners I need advice
I love my husband. Have done for many years. He set me free once before as the stress of this type of relationship was to much for me. We both moved on then found our way back. I came to the conclusion that life without him was like breathing with no air.

This past year has been bad, his mom passed, 6 months shu, no calls or visits moved 10 hours away, it just got harder and harder. We have been there before many times though.

He got his visits back just before Christmas and we had planned a visit, then 3 days before I get a call to say he on keeplock an lost his visits again.it's coming into 1 year we have not seen each other.

As I say we have been here before, this time it feels different. I just don't know if Love is enough to keep me going. The thought of leaving him is enough to make me stay. I've never felt so split. My husband has been down for 24 years and 30 to go and he is sometimes a very difficult person to deal with because of this.

One day at a time is how I have managed, an we work towards short term goals it keeps us going. I feel like I am the one keeping us going an he has give up.
Is Love enough to save us both from the pain of living a life that may never be what we want? I just don't know what to do anymore

[jadah]

Of course you are the only who knows all the details of your story so ultimately you have to decide on your own. But my short answer is yes.

[saskatchewanian]

Are you happy?

I think if you're honest with yourself about that question...you'll have the answer as to whether or not love is enough.

I've felt the struggle and the tether of love and loyalty and compassion and dedication. In the end it wasn't enough to keep me in my relationship. I'm not one to go back easily on commitments but I needed to be happy and the relationship had become more about being honourable and loyal than it was about being happy. For me, love was not enough.

Mine was released many months when that decision was reached but I think in many prison relationships it's more about what we're doing for them rather than what they're doing for us. Your man's obligation is to have the visits and hold up his end. While you didn't share the circumstances of his loss of visits and maybe it was unavoidable but...his obligation to you is to be good and act right to maintain your ability to see each other. And he didn't do that.

It sounds like he is being selfish...and you are not being selfish enough.

Don't be afraid to put yourself first. We only get one life to life and I'm all for giving and generosity and going the extra mile for those that you love. But a valuable lesson I finally learned was that I'm allowed to matter the most in my own life...because it's MY life.

Whatever you decide... I hope you find the happiness you deserve

[Oceansdrm]

Originally Posted by saskatchewanian

Are you happy?

I think if you're honest with yourself about that question...you'll have the answer as to whether or not love is enough.

I've felt the struggle and the tether of love and loyalty and compassion and dedication. In the end it wasn't enough to keep me in my relationship. I'm not one to go back easily on commitments but I needed to be happy and the relationship had become more about being honourable and loyal than it was about being happy. For me, love was not enough.

Mine was released many months when that decision was reached but I think in many prison relationships it's more about what we're doing for them rather than what they're doing for us. Your man's obligation is to have the visits and hold up his end. While you didn't share the circumstances of his loss of visits and maybe it was unavoidable but...his obligation to you is to be good and act right to maintain your ability to see each other. And he didn't do that.

It sounds like he is being selfish...and you are not being selfish enough.

Don't be afraid to put yourself first. We only get one life to life and I'm all for giving and generosity and going the extra mile for those that you love. But a valuable lesson I finally learned was that I'm allowed to matter the most in my own life...because it's MY life.

Whatever you decide... I hope you find the happiness you deserve

Best Advice For This Life I Have Heard In A Long Time And Could Not Agree More Thank You Wholeheartedly

[Lovebirds]

Yes, love is enough but it has to come from both people in the relationship. We all know that sometimes they get written up for the most stupid things but spending six months in SHU, loosing visits for such a long time means he's doing bad things and that affects you and your life. Like Saskatchewan said, your man's job is to stay good and ensure you can maintain a relationship.

My husband always says "happy wife means happy husband" and there is nothing he wouldn't do to keep me happy. Judging from your post, it seems you give and your husband takes and that's not love. So the question you should ask is not if love is enough, it's if your husband's behavior is love?!

[Dakini]

I am so feeling you right now.
I don't know if love is enough.

I don't think it's as simple as "he goes to the SHU because he doesn't keep his end of the deal". As anyone with a LO on a max security mainline knows, survival requires that you take the long view and sometimes that means you end up paying now to prevent future harm.

So, I don't think it has to come down to him being somehow irresponsible just as much as it doesn't have to come down to "whether you are loyal/strong/whatever enough".

The situation is so much more nuanced and complex than anyone who hasn't walked this walk could understand, and yet it does boil down to happiness.

No, I don't think love is ever enough because relationships are hard. Loving a lifer/long termer IMHO is hard in all sorts of ways we are not prepared for or supported in by society.

I guess all I can say is I feel for you and I hope you know your value is not based on whether or not you choose to remain in this relationship. And that you deserve happiness, wherever you find that.

[Sarianna]

Diazma - I realize you posted this thread back in January; I hope some of the replies have helped you reflect, and I hope you have gained some clarity. It would be lovely to hear an update on how things are going for you. Take care.

[GameChanger]

Originally Posted by Diazma

Is Love enough to save us both from the pain of living a life that may never be what we want?

Love is not always enough. 30 years on top of the 24 you've already went through is a LONG ass time to wait for ANYONE!!!! If you want to wait, that's you and I think it should be respected; however, waiting on him IS indeed you missing out on love that could give you MOST of what you need. You only know what you want and can deal with, though.

I will say this: deciding to go on with your life, without this man does not mean you love him any LESS...and don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise.

[408MoonGem]

For me, love is unconditional. It's never about holding down or back, it's about evolving and growing - which at times requires space and time to do so - whatever happens in between that time and space is still lovable.

Hope you are doing fabulous Diazma.