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  #1  
Old 11-15-2010, 01:35 PM
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Default Have you ever cheated?

I have been with my baby for going on five years now and we have been through everything together. We have a beautiful daughter together ad I am six months pregnant with another girl. About two years ago , we were going through some things and I found myself in a physical relationship with another guy. I havent cheated since and i feel so guilty about it even till this day. Do any of you ldies deal with this guilt?
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:02 PM
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Have you told him about what has happened. To some, they believe that you made a mistake and you can keep it too yourself since you have for so long. But if it is eating at you I would advise you to pray on it, talk to god(or whomever you believe in) and ask for forgiveness. I also believe in being open to my spouse especially since I do plan on being with him for the rest of my life. I believe that if you talk to him about it that it can help you deal with the guilt cause it wouldn't be a secret any more.

You need to deal with it the best way you know how too cause only you know how your relationship is. As you stated you and him were having problems, im not sure if you were separated, or not during these issues
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:04 PM
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We've been on and off for around15 years, I've never cheated,on him..but I did do things that hurt him that I feel guilty for...What helped me and us, was to talk about it (I slept with his best friend more than once after one huge break up). And we went through some stuff before we got married where we wanted to start fresh and come clean about everything ( I don't suggest doing this unless you really want to know and can handle everything they will tell you or that will result from this).

My next question have you told him? Has he forgiven you if so then you just have to work on forgiving yourself for a mistake. If you haven't told him, it might help to tell him.
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:07 PM
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I have been with my husband for 8 years and never have cheated on him, but i would suggest just telling him cuz it's just gonna eat at u.
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Hisoneandonly View Post
We've been on and off for around15 years, I've never cheated,on him..but I did do things that hurt him that I feel guilty for...What helped me and us, was to talk about it (I slept with his best friend more than once after one huge break up). And we went through some stuff before we got married where we wanted to start fresh and come clean about everything ( I don't suggest doing this unless you really want to know and can handle everything they will tell you or that will result from this).

My next question have you told him? Has he forgiven you if so then you just have to work on forgiving yourself for a mistake. If you haven't told him, it might help to tell him.
no I haven't told him about it and I think that's why it's killing me so. I'm afraid of what the outcome might be so I just keep it to mysekf. But it is so hard to hide somethinhg from since we share everything with each other
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Old 11-15-2010, 06:59 PM
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No I've never cheated on my man nor do I even entertain that thought. As for your situation that's only a decision you can make, but you are doing the right thing by asking for advice. The advise I'm going to give you is the total opposite of the advice from the other ladies, although I do respect their opinion. I would NOT tell him and I'll tell you why. I learned this from my sponsor in AA and she is very wise and thanks to her so am I. I've been sober for twenty years so I do have a little wisdom. The reason you should not tell him is you will be relieving yourself from your burden of guilt at HIS expense! If he caught you, yes you would have to deal with it. But I'm assuming that's not the case. Why hurt him with that information?! Did you contract a disease from the other guy? That would be a legitamate reason to tell him. But if that's not the case either, you need to forgive yourself, because for one thing, God already has forgiven you. And if God can forgive you, who are YOU not to forgive yourself? Put it behind you and don't dwell in it. I know it's hard, but the day you can push past this, you will move forward happy and free. Now here comes the final statement! If you never repeat this mistake again, then it's no longer a mistake. It's now a learning experience! I hope you do what's right for you.
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  #7  
Old 11-15-2010, 07:20 PM
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I haven't cheated on the person I'm with but I do have some thoughts on the subject. In my opinion I think the best policy is honesty. Yes it may hurt and you might not like the outcome, but thats the results to the actions that you've tooken. What you need to ask yourself is how would you Feel if the shoe was on the other foot ....... would you want him to be honest with you about the wrong his done. By keeping something like this from him you are taking away his right to choose to stay or go, to forgive or not, and to know the truth. How can you ever truely grow together if something so important is creating a wall between the two of you. My best advice to you is this ......... you get what you give and if you build a relationship out of lies and secrets then your Foundation will always be unsteady. Look inside your heart because you are the only person who knows the right thing for you to do.
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:41 PM
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I agree with Liz, dont tell him. Men handle things differently than women. Do not repeat it! Most men cheat and the woman would never find out about it. Just make sure u DO NOT REPEAT IT!
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Liz 1961 View Post
No I've never cheated on my man nor do I even entertain that thought. As for your situation that's only a decision you can make, but you are doing the right thing by asking for advice. The advise I'm going to give you is the total opposite of the advice from the other ladies, although I do respect their opinion. I would NOT tell him and I'll tell you why. I learned this from my sponsor in AA and she is very wise and thanks to her so am I. I've been sober for twenty years so I do have a little wisdom. The reason you should not tell him is you will be relieving yourself from your burden of guilt at HIS expense! If he caught you, yes you would have to deal with it. But I'm assuming that's not the case. Why hurt him with that information?! Did you contract a disease from the other guy? That would be a legitamate reason to tell him. But if that's not the case either, you need to forgive yourself, because for one thing, God already has forgiven you. And if God can forgive you, who are YOU not to forgive yourself? Put it behind you and don't dwell in it. I know it's hard, but the day you can push past this, you will move forward happy and free. Now here comes the final statement! If you never repeat this mistake again, then it's no longer a mistake. It's now a learning experience! I hope you do what's right for you.

I agree with this. Many times when someone cheats and confesses, it's because THEY feel guilty, not about the other person. You made a mistake, deal with it and move on, but don't go putting the burden on him now.
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  #10  
Old 11-15-2010, 08:03 PM
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I agree with Liz...and yes I am in AA too and we are advised to make ammends to others where we were wrong except "When to do so would injure them or other's"
It isnt loving to unload our guilt at someonmes expense. Thats causing someone pain.
What happened, happened, its done, its the past.
You havent repeated it.
You can make amends to him by not ever doing it again and by treating him with Love and Respect...in this case its the most loving and respectfull thing you could do.
And just in case you havent looked at yourself lately, you ARE human... forgive yourself.
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Old 11-15-2010, 10:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz 1961 View Post
No I've never cheated on my man nor do I even entertain that thought. As for your situation that's only a decision you can make, but you are doing the right thing by asking for advice. The advise I'm going to give you is the total opposite of the advice from the other ladies, although I do respect their opinion. I would NOT tell him and I'll tell you why. I learned this from my sponsor in AA and she is very wise and thanks to her so am I. I've been sober for twenty years so I do have a little wisdom. The reason you should not tell him is you will be relieving yourself from your burden of guilt at HIS expense! If he caught you, yes you would have to deal with it. But I'm assuming that's not the case. Why hurt him with that information?! Did you contract a disease from the other guy? That would be a legitamate reason to tell him. But if that's not the case either, you need to forgive yourself, because for one thing, God already has forgiven you. And if God can forgive you, who are YOU not to forgive yourself? Put it behind you and don't dwell in it. I know it's hard, but the day you can push past this, you will move forward happy and free. Now here comes the final statement! If you never repeat this mistake again, then it's no longer a mistake. It's now a learning experience! I hope you do what's right for you.
I totally agree!
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Old 11-15-2010, 10:32 PM
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I don't believe that building a relationship on a foundation of lies and deceit is the way to go which is what you're doing if you don't tell him. It is easy to make ourselves believe that non-disclosure in order to supposedly "protect" the other person is ok. Right now he trusts you, but his trust is based on a lie. It is not fair to also cheat him out of the opportunity to decide if he wants to stay in a relationship with someone who has been dishonest.
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Old 11-15-2010, 10:40 PM
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I'm not about building a foundation of lies either BUT you cheated on him two years ago and now he is in prison (I assume) - Not the best time to tell a man something that is going to crush him and make his time 100x harder.

If you feel the need to come clean, I'd suggest waiting until you can do as one free person to another.

I have cheated in the past and I didn't feel guilty about it one iota. It was a bad relationship, it's how I coped and I eventually left him. If things were different and I was consumed by guilt, I probably would have come clean at the right time. I don't think prison is the right time.

Any avenue you choose, I wish you luck and like Spica said - you are human. And humans make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up for the rest of your life.
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Old 11-15-2010, 10:50 PM
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Yes i've cheated and i did let him know about it that didn't make me feel any better about it i still find myself beating myself up for it. I think he handled it better than i though he would. Since then we have gotten married yet it stills bothers me. I would say don't tell even though i told i still feel bad so i say why have him upset about it also.
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Old 11-16-2010, 12:10 AM
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I have never cheated on my man...I couldnt even think about it...I thought he was cheating on me, i went bolistic
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Old 11-16-2010, 12:51 AM
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~I don't have a solid answer for this one. A part of me says don't tell him because what's done is done, however i am firm believer in karma (whatever a person sows so shall they reap). In my eyes that means that if you don't tell him do not get mad if this very same/similar situation happens to you~
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:15 AM
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I don't particularly want to give you any advice because in my opinion only you know how badly this is affecting you and can balance that against how badly unburdening yourself will affect him.

Firstly to be clear I have NEVER chested on my man.

However I have cheated in a previous relationship. I had an affair for about six months and although I found out later that my partner at the time was fully aware I didnlt realise that he thought that it was something that I could get out of my system and end up eventually staying with him. I chose to tell him and that changed everything. I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling contempt that this man wanted to forgive me. We split up which was the worst mistake that I have ever made in my life not because he could not live with what I had done but because I could not live with him knowing about and forgiving me for it.

As a result I am not sure that honesty is always the best policy. It was a long time ago and hopefully you have learned from your mistake.

Last edited by Mitch67; 11-16-2010 at 03:17 AM..
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:35 AM
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I've been with my husband for over 9 years & not once have I cheated on him. He's been my one & only. I've never been intimate with anyone else. I don't know what to advise you b/c if I was cheated on I'd want to know but if I were to cheat I don't know if I'd have it in me to tell him b/c of how he is. My man can be a lil crazy & I'd be afraid of what he would do; not to me but to the guy I'd be cheating with. I think you know your man best so you should decide what to do based on how you thinl he would re-act. I will say that it's probably not a good idea to tell him while he's in jail tho. I'm sure finding this out would only make things harder for him.
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Old 11-18-2010, 09:35 AM
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It just amazes me to see so many people think that honesty isnt the best policy. Being honest, and upfront about something you've done thats wrong isnt about guilt its about owning up to something, feeling remorse, and learning from the mistakes you've made. What type of relationships do u have when it is based on secrets ....... wheres the communication?? Yes being truthful sometimes is a difficult thing to do and it may hurt the other person to know the truth but thats what happens when you do something u know was wrong. People are always claiming that they dont want to be with someone unless they can be truthful but when it comes down to it ..... it seems like alot of people don't know what that means or better yet they cant handle it. The truth is never WRONG!!! All this .... you feel guilty and u tellin him is only to make u feel better .... is funny to me. Yes when u admit a wrong doing U DO FEEL BETTER and it takes that weight off ya shoulder. But it also shows that other person that u are taking responsibility for what u done, that u want to work on the problem and that u respect them enough to let them make their own decision of what to do with what u done. I can't understand how anyone would want to leave the person they love in the dark like that ....... then another thing that would be awful is not telling the truth and he finds out from someone or somewhere else. Now he gets to feel betrayed, lied to, and most of all like a fool for not knowing. Yeah so keep him in the blind cause cheatings not bad enough ..... why not add lieing and keeping secrets to it as well. A relationship is not always gonna be easy ... it takes alot of hard work. Communication and trust are the keys to building a strong bond. We all make mistakes but its how u handle them afterwards that defines what type of person we are. These are just my beliefs and I'm not trying to offend anyone ....... it just makes me sad to think that so many people would rather just keep the wrongs to theirselves instead of telling the truth. How can u truely get past something, make it better, and learn from it when all your doing is burying it to fester and grow. There needs to be closure in some form and I would rather it come from me being honest then from ignoring the issue.
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Old 11-18-2010, 10:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz 1961 View Post
No I've never cheated on my man nor do I even entertain that thought. As for your situation that's only a decision you can make, but you are doing the right thing by asking for advice. The advise I'm going to give you is the total opposite of the advice from the other ladies, although I do respect their opinion. I would NOT tell him and I'll tell you why. I learned this from my sponsor in AA and she is very wise and thanks to her so am I. I've been sober for twenty years so I do have a little wisdom. The reason you should not tell him is you will be relieving yourself from your burden of guilt at HIS expense! If he caught you, yes you would have to deal with it. But I'm assuming that's not the case. Why hurt him with that information?! Did you contract a disease from the other guy? That would be a legitamate reason to tell him. But if that's not the case either, you need to forgive yourself, because for one thing, God already has forgiven you. And if God can forgive you, who are YOU not to forgive yourself? Put it behind you and don't dwell in it. I know it's hard, but the day you can push past this, you will move forward happy and free. Now here comes the final statement! If you never repeat this mistake again, then it's no longer a mistake. It's now a learning experience! I hope you do what's right for you.
Thanks for the advice Liz this really gives me something to think about
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