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  #1  
Old 10-23-2011, 09:47 PM
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Default To The Ladies That Have Cheated And/Or Been Cheated On

I have read a lot of posts on here that bring up the issue of cheating, and im the kind of person that ALWAYS has to get in my opinion, not to be an arrogant asshole, just for the sake of a new perspective. So this is for people who have had or still have cheating going on in their CURRENT relationship.


So, here is what I have to say about women who cheat:


If you cheated and got caught he doesnt trust you anymore even if he says he does. It will eventually be too painful for his heart to handle because he will forever question every word you say, and it will all boil over and he will leave.

If you cheated and didnt get caught, then you are either too much of a coward to tell him, or you just dont respect him enough to admit to your betrayal and apologize.

If you cheated because he lets you cheat, then he doesnt give a fuck about you and/or he will use your cheating against you so he has the greenlight to cheat.

If you cheated because he is locked up and you are lonely, then you either dont care about him as much as you think you do or you dont know how to give yourself a freaking orgasm with your fingers. You gotta know how to make yourself happy BEFORE you get in a relationship or else that relationship is questionable, (I do not depend on a man for ANYTHING, not even pleasure.)


Here is what I have to say about women who stay with a man who cheated:


If you caught him and forgave him, he will do it again. When i was in high school, the first time i ditched class my dad told me, "your dumb for ditching" that was it. So i kept ditching because his reaction was like he didnt care. He got mader and mader every time he got a phone call saying i was absent, but by that time I couldnt sit through a day in class without leaving because i got so used to it. The outcome was my dad getting a truancy ticket from the school, he had to pay for my mistake. The point is, when you forgive him the first time he will assume you will forgive him again. And in all honesty, even though he is the one who made the mistake, he will secretly lose respect for you because you didnt have the strengh to leave him, and this will cause him to treat you worse and worse over time as all his respect for you dissapears.

If he cheated and he fessed up, then he respects you (that doesnt neciserally mean he loves you). But same as before, if you forgive him, he will do it again.

The biggest reason men cheat is because men feel dominant to women, and think that they deserve to be with many women just because they can. Men do it because it makes them feel powerful, and most of the times it has nothing to do with love. But my advise, even if he really does love you, is to leave anyway. Because if hes a power hungry man, he will not give you the life you deserve. And if he miraculously stops cheating on you, he will get his fix of power from somewhere else (ex: from hitting you, lying to you, verbally abusing you, doing something illegal and going back to prison) and God forbid you have kids with him, you will doom them to be miserable, because they will think being treated like shit is normal. You may give your kids a backpack and send them off to school, but the things that REALLY matter, they learn from home.

My cousin is with a girl who used to be my best friend, and he is madly in love with her. He hits her, he calls her names, doesnt trust her, cheats on her, and much more. He learned this behavior from his parents, and she stays with him because thats what she learned from her family. The first time she told me what was going on I kicked his ass, but the second and third and fourth and all the rest I did nothing because she decided to stay with a man who does this to her. And I love my cousin to death, he treats me so differently then how he treats her, because she is the only one who LETS him treat her like that. And in my eyes, they deserve each other. He doesnt know how to treat a lady, and she doesnt know how to treat herself, and if they dont learn, they will never be happy (together or apart).

This is my point, i had to get this off my chest because it was bugging me. The fact is, by cheating or allowing someone to cheat on you, you both are losing self worth in the process.
I hope all of you are strong enough to keep yourself and your family away from anyone less then the best, because the best is what you deserve...
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Old 10-23-2011, 09:56 PM
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Well many may not comment because you stepped on some toes but I will say most of what you have said is true. I went through this with my X husband. When he wasn't cheating on me he was beating the mess out of me. I been happy every since I left. Hopefully no on will mistake this as saying that there is no good men out there because we all know there is you good women and men its just when you find one you have to work extra hard to protect them from the dangers of what this game of love can bring.
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Old 10-23-2011, 10:15 PM
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I dont mind pissing off a few people as long as I helped a couple too, I really hate to see people in pain, so if I can stop or prevent some suffering in someones life that would make me so happy. And im so glad you found the courage to get out of that kind of relationship. For the other ladies, can you tell us what inspired you to leave?
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Old 10-24-2011, 01:41 AM
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Interesting theory, but there's a few flaws in your logic. Do family systems and what we learn and see modeled as kids factor in and have an impact? 100% absolutely.

But we all have free will and free choice. You also have to figure in age and culture into the mix. For example, my Nana, was physically abused by my grandfather. She tried to leave. Her mother, being old world Polish, told her she was married now, go back to her husband. Back in the 1940's and 1950's, "divorce" just wasn't something that one "did".

My grandfather also beat the hell out of my uncle. He never turned around and hit his wife or daughters. My mom, was, pretty horrible and emasculating to my dad. I have no idea if my dad ever had an affair or not, but if he had, I honestly wouldn't have blamed him. Me and my brother used to wonder why they didn't get divorced. In the 1980's it was a lot more socially acceptable. But they never did.

My brother, cheated on his current wife (before they were married) with his baby mama ex. My sis-in-law forgave him, I have a 12 year-old nephew and a nephew that was just born this month now. They've been married for about 5 years now, my sis-in-law never cheated, even for being wronged and my brother realized his mistake and never did it again.

Frankie's baby mama's both cheated on him when he went to jail. He's never cheated on them. Although my brother cheated on his girlfriend, I've never cheated on my boyfriends. Even as a teenager, with a long distance relationship with a college guy for my sophmore-senior year of high school. I've never cheated on someone I've been in a relationship with, and I've never been cheated on, or hit, or abused by any boyfriend. Or my ex-husband.

Frankie's mom has cheated on his step-dad. She even had a child by another man, which is his youngest brother. Frankie's step dad just accepted him as his own. They've been married for 26 years now. His mom's only 9 years older than I am.
Frankie's sister has been cheated on as well, by her now husband. They've been together 10 years, have 4 kids and just got married in June.

We all have free will. We all have the option of looking at our familes of origin and deciding if we want to be like that, or not. My brother and I had the same upbringing, same parents. He cheated, I didn't. But he also has a stronger marriage with his wife than I had with my ex. Honestly, I hoped I would find someone to look and think of me with such regard as my brother did to his wife. It wasn't with my husband at the time. I had sold myself short and settled, and cheating or abuse had nothing to do with it.

Your observation and opinion has some face validity. It seems like it should follow and it sounds like it makes sense. But it doesn't account for our ability to grow, learn, change, and choose to be different.

By your logic, my brother and sister-in-law should have never gotten back together. However they have a deep love and one of the strongest relationships I know. My sis-in-law was the best thing to ever happen to my brother, and the ex he cheated on her with is still in their lives, because she's the mother of my niece, who'll be 16 in January. There's no major drama or fighting, they handle their business like the adults that they are for the sake of their daughter.

Sometimes, it takes more courage and more self-worth and self-esteem to admit that one was wrong and make amends and work to never make the same mistake again. The ability to forgive and move forward takes more courage sometimes than just walking away and starting over. It all boils down to the people involved, which is why blanket statements don't always apply.
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Old 10-24-2011, 02:05 AM
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In all my "52" years I have never, never heard anyone say what you did more perfectly.WOW Right On. 100 % accurate and 100 % on the expalanations of "WHY" you're accurate!! Damn! Hope you are teaching many people out there somewhere!!!?
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Old 10-24-2011, 09:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FastCarGirl View Post
Interesting theory, but there's a few flaws in your logic. Do family systems and what we learn and see modeled as kids factor in and have an impact? 100% absolutely.

But we all have free will and free choice. You also have to figure in age and culture into the mix. For example, my Nana, was physically abused by my grandfather. She tried to leave. Her mother, being old world Polish, told her she was married now, go back to her husband. Back in the 1940's and 1950's, "divorce" just wasn't something that one "did".

My grandfather also beat the hell out of my uncle. He never turned around and hit his wife or daughters. My mom, was, pretty horrible and emasculating to my dad. I have no idea if my dad ever had an affair or not, but if he had, I honestly wouldn't have blamed him. Me and my brother used to wonder why they didn't get divorced. In the 1980's it was a lot more socially acceptable. But they never did.

My brother, cheated on his current wife (before they were married) with his baby mama ex. My sis-in-law forgave him, I have a 12 year-old nephew and a nephew that was just born this month now. They've been married for about 5 years now, my sis-in-law never cheated, even for being wronged and my brother realized his mistake and never did it again.

Frankie's baby mama's both cheated on him when he went to jail. He's never cheated on them. Although my brother cheated on his girlfriend, I've never cheated on my boyfriends. Even as a teenager, with a long distance relationship with a college guy for my sophmore-senior year of high school. I've never cheated on someone I've been in a relationship with, and I've never been cheated on, or hit, or abused by any boyfriend. Or my ex-husband.

Frankie's mom has cheated on his step-dad. She even had a child by another man, which is his youngest brother. Frankie's step dad just accepted him as his own. They've been married for 26 years now. His mom's only 9 years older than I am.
Frankie's sister has been cheated on as well, by her now husband. They've been together 10 years, have 4 kids and just got married in June.

We all have free will. We all have the option of looking at our familes of origin and deciding if we want to be like that, or not. My brother and I had the same upbringing, same parents. He cheated, I didn't. But he also has a stronger marriage with his wife than I had with my ex. Honestly, I hoped I would find someone to look and think of me with such regard as my brother did to his wife. It wasn't with my husband at the time. I had sold myself short and settled, and cheating or abuse had nothing to do with it.

Your observation and opinion has some face validity. It seems like it should follow and it sounds like it makes sense. But it doesn't account for our ability to grow, learn, change, and choose to be different.

By your logic, my brother and sister-in-law should have never gotten back together. However they have a deep love and one of the strongest relationships I know. My sis-in-law was the best thing to ever happen to my brother, and the ex he cheated on her with is still in their lives, because she's the mother of my niece, who'll be 16 in January. There's no major drama or fighting, they handle their business like the adults that they are for the sake of their daughter.

Sometimes, it takes more courage and more self-worth and self-esteem to admit that one was wrong and make amends and work to never make the same mistake again. The ability to forgive and move forward takes more courage sometimes than just walking away and starting over. It all boils down to the people involved, which is why blanket statements don't always apply.
I want you to understand i did not list all the factors of WHY people cheat, because there are too many and like you said, everything plays a role. The only reason i even brought up the part about families is because it seems to have the most PROFOND effect above the other factors. And also I want everyone to know that having a child with someone DOES NOT justify the fact that he treats you like shit, and it should not be the reason why they stick with the asswipe.

And you are correct, i DO think that sister in law of yours should of left the very first time he cheated. And i knew someone was gunna say something like that "people change" speech. And im happy you did, because i would like to clarify that my post did not at all say that people cannot change, it simply says to stand strong and not get taken advantage of by ANYBODY. There is no way cheating can/should be justified, if it happens once IM OUT i dont have the time or the desire so "fix" one man and hope that one day he will change when there are millions of guys who would treat me like a queen.
The women of the world would be doing each other a favor if we all just drew a line SOMEWHERE, because if we dont stand for something we will fall for anything. And, sure if you hit a dog on the head for running out the door EVENTUALLY he will stop running out the door, but if the dog runs out and gets hit by a car i guarantee you that dog will never look into the street again (and in the process hes scared all the other dogs on the block also, and they dont run out anymore either).
See where im going?? So many more people would benefit if we stoped acting like this is something we should have to tolerate! You cheated? SEE YA!!! I WONT HOLD A GRUGE BUT, PEACE!!!
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Old 10-24-2011, 09:51 AM
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Ok i get your point but sometimes ur in a situations where leaving might not be an option. For example i have no family here all of my family members live in germany thats where i was born. Both my parents died in these last 5 years. I live with his family with my 4 kids. I have no money or way to get out. He cheated on me the night he got arrested . I deal with it lil by lil every day. Its easy for you to sit there and tell us how stupid we are for staying but keep in mind that sometimes there is no other choice
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Old 10-24-2011, 10:22 AM
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Ok i get your point but sometimes ur in a situations where leaving might not be an option. For example i have no family here all of my family members live in germany thats where i was born. Both my parents died in these last 5 years. I live with his family with my 4 kids. I have no money or way to get out. He cheated on me the night he got arrested . I deal with it lil by lil every day. Its easy for you to sit there and tell us how stupid we are for staying but keep in mind that sometimes there is no other choice
Dont put words in my mouth, i never called anybody stupid. And please dont act like my words mean nothing because you think i "dont understand", because i do. Ive been cheated on, and i left him. My predicament was not as complicated as yours. But i have been in some pretty tough spots myself, including being homeless for months and going to prison.

Now can you clarify something for me, are you saying you WOULD have left if you had a way to do it???
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Old 10-24-2011, 10:34 AM
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Dont put words in my mouth, i never called anybody stupid. And please dont act like my words mean nothing because you think i "dont understand", because i do. Ive been cheated on, and i left him. My predicament was not as complicated as yours. But i have been in some pretty tough spots myself, including being homeless for months and going to prison.

Now can you clarify something for me, are you saying you WOULD have left if you had a way to do it???
Thats exactly what i am saying. He has many times and i know he wont change. Everything is so screwed up right now so i am stuck. Personally i think being cheated on is already hard enough but sometimes its hard to leave. I understand your trying to get ur point across but i kinda comes of kinda mean. I know all about being homeless i lived in a homeless shelter for 3 month.
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Old 10-24-2011, 10:51 AM
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Thats exactly what i am saying. He has many times and i know he wont change. Everything is so screwed up right now so i am stuck. Personally i think being cheated on is already hard enough but sometimes its hard to leave. I understand your trying to get ur point across but i kinda comes of kinda mean. I know all about being homeless i lived in a homeless shelter for 3 month.
My intention is not to be mean, it is to be real. Im not trying to put down anyone, I am trying to help. Yeah, i could have taken a smoother approach but it seems to be more effective when your just straight up and not trying to hold anyones hand. You get me? I think you should never accept defeat when your happiness is on the line. Dont stop looking for a way out, i wish i could help you more but I dont have all the details so I cant pretend like I know what you should do. But I do know this: nothing is worth sacrificing your happiness and your well being. I honestly wish there was something I could do.
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Old 10-24-2011, 11:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EsaVicious13 View Post
I want you to understand i did not list all the factors of WHY people cheat, because there are too many and like you said, everything plays a role. The only reason i even brought up the part about families is because it seems to have the most PROFOND effect above the other factors. And also I want everyone to know that having a child with someone DOES NOT justify the fact that he treats you like shit, and it should not be the reason why they stick with the asswipe.

And you are correct, i DO think that sister in law of yours should of left the very first time he cheated. And i knew someone was gunna say something like that "people change" speech. And im happy you did, because i would like to clarify that my post did not at all say that people cannot change, it simply says to stand strong and not get taken advantage of by ANYBODY. There is no way cheating can/should be justified, if it happens once IM OUT i dont have the time or the desire so "fix" one man and hope that one day he will change when there are millions of guys who would treat me like a queen.
The women of the world would be doing each other a favor if we all just drew a line SOMEWHERE, because if we dont stand for something we will fall for anything. And, sure if you hit a dog on the head for running out the door EVENTUALLY he will stop running out the door, but if the dog runs out and gets hit by a car i guarantee you that dog will never look into the street again (and in the process hes scared all the other dogs on the block also, and they dont run out anymore either).
See where im going?? So many more people would benefit if we stoped acting like this is something we should have to tolerate! You cheated? SEE YA!!! I WONT HOLD A GRUGE BUT, PEACE!!!

Actually, I think the "why" ....which as you pointed out has as many different variations to it as there are people is probably the most important part, it's why for some people it's a one-time dumbass thing and not a liscence to just screw anything that moves.

No one can change anybody. No one can "love" someone enough to *make* them change and make them not want to stray if they're of a mind to it. I agree that there are a segment of the population that have men and women both exactly as you said....they don't even love and respect themselves enough to hold themselves to a higher standard, so they certainly don't love you in the way you deserve. It starts from within, not without. I think those people are more likely to be chronic "re-offenders" when it comes to cheating. And in that, I"m right there with you, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.


And then there are some guys and gals, and I include my brother in this, who have a momentary lapse of being a dumbass. Trust me, my sis-in-law made my brother pay, and it took him a LONG time to earn back her trust. He was willing to jump through those hoops though. If he wasn't willing, it wouldn't have ever worked. It wasn't a matter of him needing to "change", actually I used to think he was gay because he never dated all through high school. His ex and his now wife are the only two relationships he's ever been in.

And there are women out there, who feel like they can sleep their way into being loved. They bring children into the world trying to "trap" a man into marriage.....and the dude's having none of it. I think it's in part a two-way street. I also think these women who don't respect themselves enough to use protection or deliberatly try to get pregnant to "keep" their man, who they want to have a family with and keep around "for the sake of the baby" are the ones more likely to be with and stay with someone who will cheat on them.

I agree, if everyone "banded" together and stood up and said "no more" it would send a clear, powerful message to the men of the world. That's how grassroots movements start. The difficulty with that lies not with the message, but with the definition. I think everyone has their line in the sand. The problem is, it's not all in the same place. There are some men and women, especially in prison relationships that consider writing another male or female cheating. I'm not one of them. There are men and women who have "needs" and have an arrangement with their signifigant other or spouse to get those "needs" met while they're locked up. I also don't personally agree with that, but that's me.

When my boyfriend went to college, I told him he could date, but I wasn't going to. I've always been one of those people who can't kiss one boy one day and another the next night. I don't know how to "date". I'm a one-relationship-at-a-time kinda gal, and when it's over, it's over. I've never broken up with someone or been broken up with and then come back to the person later. But again, that's me. Some people break up, get with others (i.e. cheating) and then decide no, this isn't for me, I love the girl/guy I took a "break" from. So how does one classify that? If you weren't together, it's not technically cheating....but it sure feels yucky when now you have to deal with some other gal who got pregnant by your man while you both were deciding if it was "right". Which is the situation Frankie's sister found herself in.

If Frankie ever cheated on me, I honestly don't know what I would do. Like I said before, I've never been cheated on. I've never walked in those shoes. I have plenty of self-esteem and self-respect. I guess I would want to know the circumstances. Did he man up and own up to his mistake and beg my forgiveness, or has he been sneaking around behind my back for a while now? How long have we been together? Do we have kids? Are we married? When did it happen? Did it happen years ago when we were first dating and he decided to come clean now, 10 years and 3 kids later? Some situations are easier to walk away from than others.

For the women who don't realize their own worth, who accept lying, cheating men are their lot in life and they can't "do better" your call to arms and to stand up for oneself and not accept that behavior at all, not one little bit, is commendable. And needed.

But sadly, the world is not nearly so black and white. Some people really do try to self-sabotage their relationships. I think that's what happened with my brother. It was early in their relationship, long before they were married and it was truly a one-time thing. He's not a chronic cheater. If he was, I'm pretty sure Carrie would be gone and I would support her in that 100%. To err is human. To forgive is divine.

The right thing for my brother and sis-in-law was to forgive and keep moving forward. The right thing for others is to walk away from the situation entirely. But each situation and each person needs to be evaluated as a whole, not in light of one flaw or one mistake. We get upset when we get judged for sticking by a "man in prison". How is it easier to forgive and see the humanity behind the crime for that mistake, and not be willing to forgive another mistake...if it was truly a mistake and would never happen again?
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Old 10-24-2011, 12:06 PM
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thank goodness for change, maturity, and acceptance.

my husband and i separated for a short period of time ... during that time i dated someone else ... i was completely honest with my husband about everything way before anything even happened.

my husband and i reconciled worked through it and we are happier now then we ever were before.

from my experience if you are willing to put the work in and the love and honesty is there then a couple can conquer anything together.
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Old 10-24-2011, 12:38 PM
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No one can ever truly say if a cheater has stopped cheating or won't cheat again. You can only hope. No offense, but plenty of people will accept a lot different things and claim its done out of love or a host of other excuses. There is never a reason to accept mistreatment from anyone ever. I will not accept any type of abuse and twittle my thumbs until a man decides he's ready to do something different. I'm not giving anyone that much control over me or my life. I'm better than that and any man that has/comes my way will know it.
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Old 10-24-2011, 01:00 PM
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Well I was cheated on by my very 1st love of all time (lol) We met at 13 and got married at 17. He cheated when were 21 and we were trying to work it out after by talking to eachother and sometimes seeing eachother behind my parents back, but it just didnt work. Every year for last 6yrs we tend to find eachother somehow and talk for maybe 3-4 months about us and our new lives, then we just loose touch again. He is married and has 2 lil boys and I am married with 2 lil girls (2nd one due on jan2012), anyway everytime we talk I tell him that I of course will always think of him because he was my everything, but when he starts telling me what he has done behind her back makes me very glad I didnt go back because all that he is doing to her would be done to me. I dont judge him anymore and I dont tell him anything about it, but it stays in my head for a bit though. I loved him so much and well one of the reasons I didnt go back was because of my family. We were very young and I wanted to just run back to him, but my fam told me if I did they would not support my decision and would not help me in anyway if we were to get into a fight or something like that. So then of course after talking and bringing things to the light he admitted he had cheated before and I just couldnt believe it. He admitted a lot of things because "we are friends" now, but you know I am glad I know the truth now and glad I didnt end up with him because I couldnt be happier with my now hubby and the joy of having my daughters with him is the best. So I do agree with you somehow. He wanted me to cheat on my hubby, even though talking to him was wrong and i know that, but it never went past that. I know that he is not even worth me loosing everything ive got with my hubby and my girls. Its been a year since I talk to him and I hope I never talk to him again, but he keeps wanting to be part of my life somehow, he tries to talk and hang out with my lil brother, which is kind of like "what for?" But i cant control my brother from talking to him so as long as they always keep me and my family out of it, its whatever.


I am scared though...if all that you say is true somehow, then I am kinda screwed for some reason lol...2 years ago my hubby and I separated for about 3 months and in those 3 months I hung out with his niece and had our girls night, but it never went past us going to clubs and just hanging out. I never talked to another man or met anybody. But hubby did after a month of separation, he met her on a saturday, by wednesday he had contacted her by text msge and that same wkend he took her home to my house and my bed;(.My sis n law told me about this chick that monday and I was crushed He was trying to "win" me back, all the while he was with this other chick for the next 2 wks. So I confronted him and told him to stop looking for me and calling me because he was with someone else obviously. He denied it and even denied it in front of her. When he called me after those 2 wks he said he ended things with her because he wanted HIS WIFE back. I told him that we were not together so I couldnt really call it cheating, but it did bother me that he was still trying to be with me and calling me and the fact that he lied about it and then came clean...well I dont trust him all the way, but I love him and he is the father of my kiddos and I want to believe he has not lied, but I know I might be wrong. We did everything together and things changed to where he is the one that is super jelous now, but I know its because of him lying to me about that chick. He thinks I am going to find someone else while he is in prison and not even bother telling him. I hope his jelousy goes away and that our relationship becomes stronger than it was before. If we got past that I just know we can get past this aswell.
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Old 10-24-2011, 02:56 PM
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FastCarGirl, if it was truly a one time thing (to me) it wouldnt matter, I would still leave. Because the age old exuse of "it was a mistake" is BS. Im sorry, but unless this guy tripped with his pants off and landed with his dick inside some girl, IT WAS NO MISTAKE. Sex is a repetitive action and if i found out that my man slept with another woman, it was no accident, every single time his body thrust against hers he might as well have been slapping be in the face. If he did not stop to think about me after his clothes came off and i didnt cross his mind one time during that whole 30 minute time period when he was banging some girl, then i wouldnt ever be able to look that mother fucker in the face EVER AGAIN.

Gabbsplus2, im scared for you too, thats a pretty skandolous move too lie to you in front of the girls face. For your sake, i hope he truly regrets it and realized that you are worth so much more than sex from strangers, but like i said, most of the time love has nothing to do with it. I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 10-24-2011, 03:30 PM
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Thank you for sharing.
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Old 10-24-2011, 03:36 PM
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Well I was cheated on by my very 1st love of all time (lol) We met at 13 and got married at 17. He cheated when were 21 and we were trying to work it out after by talking to eachother and sometimes seeing eachother behind my parents back, but it just didnt work. Every year for last 6yrs we tend to find eachother somehow and talk for maybe 3-4 months about us and our new lives, then we just loose touch again. He is married and has 2 lil boys and I am married with 2 lil girls (2nd one due on jan2012), anyway everytime we talk I tell him that I of course will always think of him because he was my everything, but when he starts telling me what he has done behind her back makes me very glad I didnt go back because all that he is doing to her would be done to me. I dont judge him anymore and I dont tell him anything about it, but it stays in my head for a bit though. I loved him so much and well one of the reasons I didnt go back was because of my family. We were very young and I wanted to just run back to him, but my fam told me if I did they would not support my decision and would not help me in anyway if we were to get into a fight or something like that. So then of course after talking and bringing things to the light he admitted he had cheated before and I just couldnt believe it. He admitted a lot of things because "we are friends" now, but you know I am glad I know the truth now and glad I didnt end up with him because I couldnt be happier with my now hubby and the joy of having my daughters with him is the best. So I do agree with you somehow. He wanted me to cheat on my hubby, even though talking to him was wrong and i know that, but it never went past that. I know that he is not even worth me loosing everything ive got with my hubby and my girls. Its been a year since I talk to him and I hope I never talk to him again, but he keeps wanting to be part of my life somehow, he tries to talk and hang out with my lil brother, which is kind of like "what for?" But i cant control my brother from talking to him so as long as they always keep me and my family out of it, its whatever.


I am scared though...if all that you say is true somehow, then I am kinda screwed for some reason lol...2 years ago my hubby and I separated for about 3 months and in those 3 months I hung out with his niece and had our girls night, but it never went past us going to clubs and just hanging out. I never talked to another man or met anybody. But hubby did after a month of separation, he met her on a saturday, by wednesday he had contacted her by text msge and that same wkend he took her home to my house and my bed;(.My sis n law told me about this chick that monday and I was crushed He was trying to "win" me back, all the while he was with this other chick for the next 2 wks. So I confronted him and told him to stop looking for me and calling me because he was with someone else obviously. He denied it and even denied it in front of her. When he called me after those 2 wks he said he ended things with her because he wanted HIS WIFE back. I told him that we were not together so I couldnt really call it cheating, but it did bother me that he was still trying to be with me and calling me and the fact that he lied about it and then came clean...well I dont trust him all the way, but I love him and he is the father of my kiddos and I want to believe he has not lied, but I know I might be wrong. We did everything together and things changed to where he is the one that is super jelous now, but I know its because of him lying to me about that chick. He thinks I am going to find someone else while he is in prison and not even bother telling him. I hope his jelousy goes away and that our relationship becomes stronger than it was before. If we got past that I just know we can get past this aswell.

Your the only one who knows your man. Don't let his fears control you though. He's allowed to feel as guilty as he wants and be as jealous as he wants, but he's only hurting himself. Your only responsibility is to be honest and faithful. Trust is a choice, he can either choose to believe you or not. He needs to work on his own issues and not project his stuff and his actions onto you.
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Old 10-24-2011, 03:43 PM
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We are all flawed. We are also all unique. Accordingly, every relationship is flawed and unique. What works for some will not for others. My ex husband cheated on me. It was devestating. I loved him. I stayed for a while and tried to work it out. If he had been more committed to fixing things, our marriage could have survived. I do not regret giving him an opportunity to make things right. Nor do I beleive his choices or mine represent those of all men and women. Many people thought I was crazy for giving him another chance; Part of me agreed with them. But ultimately, I chose to do what I felt was best for me at the time. While my marrige ultimately failed, it is comforting to know I did everything possible before finally walking away. Had I done things differently, I would be haunted by regret and a bad case of the "what-ifs". Of course, what was right for me in my situation is not necessarily applicibale to all - or for that matter, any -others. I pray I never find myself in that sitiation again. But, if I do, I will choose how to respond based on the unique facts and circumstances facing me then. That's the best I can do. I can live with that.
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Old 10-24-2011, 03:56 PM
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So many factors have to come into play. How old are the individuals, what is their economic status, financial status, I cheated on my daughters father when I was 19, Im not proud of it, but I was young, no education, no financial future, and he abused me physically and emotionally. And cheated on me repeatedly.

Ok fast forward to when I left him, I became a self made entrepreneur. I opened several businesses, and never cheated on another man again.

When I became financially gainful the tables turned. I got to pick and choose what I felt would be a good match for me. Doesnt mean Im going to be right every time, but I am now in control of my life, my finances, my future and my heart.

I cant buy into the "once a cheater always a cheater" because of my own living proof.

I think when two people who are CLEARLY WRONG FOR EACHOTHER that stay together, cheating is inevitable.

There is no cut and dry question or answer to this complex dilema












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Originally Posted by EsaVicious13 View Post
I have read a lot of posts on here that bring up the issue of cheating, and im the kind of person that ALWAYS has to get in my opinion, not to be an arrogant asshole, just for the sake of a new perspective. So this is for people who have had or still have cheating going on in their CURRENT relationship.


So, here is what I have to say about women who cheat:


If you cheated and got caught he doesnt trust you anymore even if he says he does. It will eventually be too painful for his heart to handle because he will forever question every word you say, and it will all boil over and he will leave.

If you cheated and didnt get caught, then you are either too much of a coward to tell him, or you just dont respect him enough to admit to your betrayal and apologize.

If you cheated because he lets you cheat, then he doesnt give a fuck about you and/or he will use your cheating against you so he has the greenlight to cheat.

If you cheated because he is locked up and you are lonely, then you either dont care about him as much as you think you do or you dont know how to give yourself a freaking orgasm with your fingers. You gotta know how to make yourself happy BEFORE you get in a relationship or else that relationship is questionable, (I do not depend on a man for ANYTHING, not even pleasure.)


Here is what I have to say about women who stay with a man who cheated:


If you caught him and forgave him, he will do it again. When i was in high school, the first time i ditched class my dad told me, "your dumb for ditching" that was it. So i kept ditching because his reaction was like he didnt care. He got mader and mader every time he got a phone call saying i was absent, but by that time I couldnt sit through a day in class without leaving because i got so used to it. The outcome was my dad getting a truancy ticket from the school, he had to pay for my mistake. The point is, when you forgive him the first time he will assume you will forgive him again. And in all honesty, even though he is the one who made the mistake, he will secretly lose respect for you because you didnt have the strengh to leave him, and this will cause him to treat you worse and worse over time as all his respect for you dissapears.

If he cheated and he fessed up, then he respects you (that doesnt neciserally mean he loves you). But same as before, if you forgive him, he will do it again.

The biggest reason men cheat is because men feel dominant to women, and think that they deserve to be with many women just because they can. Men do it because it makes them feel powerful, and most of the times it has nothing to do with love. But my advise, even if he really does love you, is to leave anyway. Because if hes a power hungry man, he will not give you the life you deserve. And if he miraculously stops cheating on you, he will get his fix of power from somewhere else (ex: from hitting you, lying to you, verbally abusing you, doing something illegal and going back to prison) and God forbid you have kids with him, you will doom them to be miserable, because they will think being treated like shit is normal. You may give your kids a backpack and send them off to school, but the things that REALLY matter, they learn from home.

My cousin is with a girl who used to be my best friend, and he is madly in love with her. He hits her, he calls her names, doesnt trust her, cheats on her, and much more. He learned this behavior from his parents, and she stays with him because thats what she learned from her family. The first time she told me what was going on I kicked his ass, but the second and third and fourth and all the rest I did nothing because she decided to stay with a man who does this to her. And I love my cousin to death, he treats me so differently then how he treats her, because she is the only one who LETS him treat her like that. And in my eyes, they deserve each other. He doesnt know how to treat a lady, and she doesnt know how to treat herself, and if they dont learn, they will never be happy (together or apart).

This is my point, i had to get this off my chest because it was bugging me. The fact is, by cheating or allowing someone to cheat on you, you both are losing self worth in the process.
I hope all of you are strong enough to keep yourself and your family away from anyone less then the best, because the best is what you deserve...
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Old 10-24-2011, 05:09 PM
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The fact that you have gone to prison makes your, one strike and you are out, mentality for everyone very sad. I could understand if you were stating your personal beliefs for your relationships. How dare you pretend to know whats in others people hearts. How dare you pretend to know what other couples you will never know should do. Many people who have never been to prison have the same attitude towards all felons. Wise men and women don't assume.

I am so disgusted by people who make sweeping statements in the name of being real. Thankfully my man is the most forgiving person I have ever met in my entire life. Its one of the main reason I love him. The longer we are together. The less appealing arguments like yours are to me. As a man of God I completely disagree with you.
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Old 10-24-2011, 05:19 PM
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Being that threads move as quickly as they do, it would have been nice if you linked the post you were responding to so everyone would have had a fair chance to read both sides.


Now I have to go all the way back, try to find their post that you are referring to , and Im just going to curse you for not sharing the link like most people do.







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The fact that you have gone to prison makes your, one strike and you are out, mentality for everyone very sad. I could understand if you were stating your personal beliefs for your relationships. How dare you pretend to know whats in others people hearts. How dare you pretend to know what other couples you will never know should do. Many people who have never been to prison have the same attitude towards all felons. Wise men and women don't assume.

I am so disgusted by people who make sweeping statements in the name of being real. Thankfully my man is the most forgiving person I have ever met in my entire life. Its one of the main reason I love him. The longer we are together. The less appealing arguments like yours are to me. As a man of God I completely disagree with you.
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Old 10-24-2011, 05:42 PM
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Being that threads move as quickly as they do, it would have been nice if you linked the post you were responding to so everyone would have had a fair chance to read both sides.


Now I have to go all the way back, try to find their post that you are referring to , and Im just going to curse you for not sharing the link like most people do.

I think he was referring to the original post in general.
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Old 10-24-2011, 05:46 PM
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Interesting how everyone is trying to prove me wrong, when i was never trying to make a case to begin with.

The ONLY point I am trying to make (which none of you seem to be grasping) is that cheating is NOT acceptable. You guys can argue with me about all the "factors" forever, because there would be no end.

But in the end I am just trying to say that cheating is wrong and nobody should put up with it. I was raised a very strong person and a very loving person, and i have too big a heart and too much pride to let some guy take advantage of me, something like that would break me to the point of no return. I would feel ashamed to take someone back after treating me like the scum on his shoe. But thats just me.

If none of you agree with me, no need to writing a paragraph long statement about all the flaws in my post, because of course i did not cover everything, just some basics.

And i will not apologize to anyone who was offended because you cannot sit there being a hypocrite and tell me to understand your side when you dont want to understand mine.

But if you WOULD like to see my point of view, well then hopefully you can show some respect and realize that i did not do this to hurt anyone but instead to make the ones who need it to be stronger.

All I am doing is encouraging women to stand up for themselves.
Thats all I have to say and I will not be defending myself further.
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Old 10-24-2011, 05:48 PM
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Quote:
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But i have been in some pretty tough spots myself, including being homeless for months and going to prison.
Lil athena--that was the quote he was talking about I believe.

Anyways, while I appreciate your concern and your stance on cheating, every person and every couple has to deal with this in their own way. Not everyone cheats repeatedly. Not everyone goes back to prison repeatedly. If you don't have a good relationship, if you're looking for something that is missing in your current relationship then chances are you will cheat. Since alot of people go through relationships quickly these days, it shouldn't be too surprising they aren't finding what they are looking for or sticking around to make things work when they get tough.

Cheating is not justified, but if you go by your own rules, what are the odds that you will find someone who has never cheated on someone in some way? What if it was emotional rather than physical? Would you stay with them if you found out they cheated before that way...not necessarily on you but in the past?

While it's nice to remind people to remember their own self-worth, throwing out stuff like this makes me cringe. If I or my man cheated, owned up to it and said we'd work through it, whatever it took, then I'd hope and expect us to do that. Everyone screws up. It's inevitable. What you do after and how you work through it or what you learn from it are what matter at the end of the day. If what you have together is worth the sweat and tears, you can't give it up over one mis-step.
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Old 10-24-2011, 06:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lil peep View Post
Lil athena--that was the quote he was talking about I believe.

Anyways, while I appreciate your concern and your stance on cheating, every person and every couple has to deal with this in their own way. Not everyone cheats repeatedly. Not everyone goes back to prison repeatedly. If you don't have a good relationship, if you're looking for something that is missing in your current relationship then chances are you will cheat. Since alot of people go through relationships quickly these days, it shouldn't be too surprising they aren't finding what they are looking for or sticking around to make things work when they get tough.

Cheating is not justified, but if you go by your own rules, what are the odds that you will find someone who has never cheated on someone in some way? What if it was emotional rather than physical? Would you stay with them if you found out they cheated before that way...not necessarily on you but in the past?

While it's nice to remind people to remember their own self-worth, throwing out stuff like this makes me cringe. If I or my man cheated, owned up to it and said we'd work through it, whatever it took, then I'd hope and expect us to do that. Everyone screws up. It's inevitable. What you do after and how you work through it or what you learn from it are what matter at the end of the day. If what you have together is worth the sweat and tears, you can't give it up over one mis-step.
Lol, you make it sound like im the most evil person in the world. I am very forgiving and incredibly loving, that is why my heart wouldnt be able to handle being cheated on, virtually everything else is forgivable except the direct disrespectful acts that i mentioned before, like cheating or physical or verbal abuse (that doesnt fly with me). Honestly, knowing me, if my man that im madly in love with would ever cheat on me i would kill myself, because it would hurt THAT much. But I know he would never do that because of his history which is too personal to share. But i hope everyone knows that i was super mad when i made that original post, so i wouldnt take all of it to heart. But it does make me mad when people shrug it off like its no big deal to cheat. The way most of you word your posts it sounds like you all think cheating is okay because "everyone makes mistakes". But come on you guys, does NOBODY get where im coming from? lol
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