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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 09-24-2020, 10:05 AM
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Hi I haven't posted in some time now, but I just wanted to share my homecoming experience now that I've had time to heal. I was with my SO for about 16 years of my life gave him 3 daughters, met him before he went to prison, waited about 7 years and thought finally!

We got married when he got out after doing a 7 year bid. We married a month later because we said we'd do that when he got out, so it was more of a goal and not so much anymore for love. As soon as he got home he started treating us (me and my daughters and his) like crap. I would remind him and make him aware that we were not his cell mates and that he wasn't in prison anymore. He demanded respect no matter what even tho he wasn't trying to earn it. He just came out a different person, mean, evil. He was a great manipulator, we had another baby the following year and I thought things would get better, they didn't. The baby was a huge distraction from the life we were living....We fought often and we got physical a few times. My children were scared of him, their own dad. He only got worse, everything had to be his way because he was always right. It was no longer the fairytale I had envisioned. I think I stayed because I felt it was the right thing to do after waiting for so long, I didn't really know how to get out of it anymore. The wedding was awful for me and though I faked it pretty good I felt horrible. Everyone that knows me knew it's not where I wanted to be. I felt I needed to keep my word. There would not be one day where he didn't make us feel stupid for talking. I hated my life for 4 years. My kids started not to trust me or tell me anything. I became depressed and I honestly didn't know what to do, he always turned things around to make it my fault. He was using drugs and made me pay for it everyday and if I stressed him out I knew that meant another dose and more money. And if I didn't have money he would make me ask my sisters and I just hated him so much! he was so sarcastic and so abusive. I was working two jobs, he was a stay at home dad. I tried my best to be the best but it was never enough until I had enough. One thing was him mistreating me but when he started tearing my babies life apart I could not take that. My daughters are 19, 16, 12 and 3. The baby was always safe but not the others, he never hit them (with the exception of my 12 year with the belt once) but was very mental, emotional, verbal abusive. My 12 year old never told me he hit her because in her eyes, what was I gonna do about it? besides confronting him and her getting in more trouble. He could talk for days and I just couldn't stand him anymore!! I decided to leave with my children one day, I sold our house, and filed for divorce and sole custody and was granted everything by the judge. I hope my story can help someone and know that it's ok and sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away...16 years invested, 7 years in wonder and 4 years of hell...fast forward one year later, that was the best decision I ever made and I thank God for seeing me through every step of the way. Sometimes what we think is love is really not. Boy did he have me fooled, sometimes I still question what happened to him but at this point I'm not interested in knowing the answer anymore. I closed that chapter of my life and me and my daughters want nothing to do with him ever again. Up until this day he is not sorry and still thinks he was right! he can stay like that on his own I can care less now, I don't wish him harm I just wish him away from us forever...
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  #2  
Old 09-24-2020, 10:17 AM
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Congratulations! What you've been through is horrific and you've made the right choice! Kudos for doing what's right for you and your kids!
Stay strong and it will only get better from here!
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Old 09-24-2020, 10:38 AM
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Thank you for your response! it took a lot of me to realize what I already knew...but I got there and I'm so thankful
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Old 09-24-2020, 11:07 AM
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I'm proud of you!!

You gave it your all and realized his actions and behaviors are HIS PROBLEM not YOURS.

Enjoy your peace of mind and your daughters will be fine because you are FINE.

Take this experience not as a failure but as a lesson learned.

KUDOS TO YOU!!

Last edited by TheWrightOne; 09-24-2020 at 11:10 AM..
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Old 09-24-2020, 11:16 AM
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Thanks! trust me I'm way stronger than ever and I'm so glad I have moved on and yes I have taken this lesson and learned so much from it.


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Originally Posted by TheWrightOne View Post
I'm proud of you!!

You gave it your all and realized his actions and behaviors are HIS PROBLEM not YOURS.

Enjoy your peace of mind and your daughters will be fine because you are FINE.

Take this experience not as a failure but as a lesson learned.

KUDOS TO YOU!!
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Old 09-24-2020, 02:05 PM
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You are a strong woman and you have made the right decisions for yourself and your children. Respect! This "emotional dependence" is one of the worst and it takes a long time to regain healthy self-esteem. Enjoy life and stay strong on all your ways! God bless.
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Old 09-24-2020, 02:58 PM
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Thank you! and yes Respect is huge for them but it didn't apply in our household but he made sure everyone respected him and like he said it was either gonna be for fear or for love and in this case it was for fear... so glad he's out the picture.




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You are a strong woman and you have made the right decisions for yourself and your children. Respect! This "emotional dependence" is one of the worst and it takes a long time to regain healthy self-esteem. Enjoy life and stay strong on all your ways! God bless.
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Old 09-24-2020, 04:28 PM
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Well done for looking after you and your children in a way that some women never do. I hope you are able to move on and find happiness and peace.
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Old 09-24-2020, 07:34 PM
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Thank you and I trust God that I will.

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Well done for looking after you and your children in a way that some women never do. I hope you are able to move on and find happiness and peace.
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Old 09-25-2020, 06:59 AM
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I want to say Im sorry it didnt work out, but I cant. Because it DID work out. You got out of an abusive relationship, intact.
Im am sorry you had to go thru so much.
Good for you for getting you and your family out of that situation.
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Old 09-25-2020, 09:43 AM
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I wish I would have done it sooner but I guess everything has a timing and an expiration date...he killed me in so many other ways that weren’t physically but I love me and my kids way more than whatever love I thought I had for his fake a$$. And thank you.


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I want to say Im sorry it didnt work out, but I cant. Because it DID work out. You got out of an abusive relationship, intact.
Im am sorry you had to go thru so much.
Good for you for getting you and your family out of that situation.
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Old 09-26-2020, 02:21 PM
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The very best part of this (from my view) is that you set a standard and cut a path for your children so that they know what it means to Be OK. If it means selling the house, fine. If it means money is tight for a minute, that's all right. If it means he says crazy things about you, that's on him. You'll be OK. They'll be OK. Better than OK.

So very proud of you for doing such a difficult and loving thing.
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Old 09-26-2020, 05:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay1 View Post
Thank you for your response! it took a lot of me to realize what I already knew...but I got there and I'm so thankful


I'm smiling @ your post/thread, hola chica! Great to know you're citing that part in red. He shall regret it,if not already. Let em' miss u, chica,as u move on finally able to "truly live!" #Happy #Healthier #FOCUS from here on in, what you know, is truly good & healthy for you, and be happy."
...

#Know your worth and live a much happier vida, chica, hola. Know who you are,inside out, surround yourself with good healthy thoughts + healthy happy positive good "mature" stable souls, offline or online, just be happy, while starting over for the betterment of YOU! He clearly did not deserve you, at all.
...

I always say, to others, "You're getting there" finally,yes, because YOU wanted to get "there" by finally realizing and recognizing[b] that (for you)chica, it was finally time to say "ENOUGH" and mean it. You finally knew itwas just time, and you were not going to waste another minute trying to convince and fool yourself, that "it's worth staying."

I always remind others:

Don't ever stick around in a dead-end relationship, trying to fight for something OR some one who isn't fighting for you.

That's a losing team if that is the case and you're better off without such loser."I am myself, about WINNING, healthy vibe, good energy when i am with someone,and not about losing,so i am strong, eyes wide open, at the end of the day to just say, "Ok, this is not going anywhere positive, healthy, beautiful, so i am going to switch my trajectory, so i can be happy again as LIFE IS TOO SHORT,NOT TO.


Sadly, so many do this time and time again,and only end up in the end sad and miserable. No man is worth losing yourself, while you're inwardly stressing to the point of getting ill, or emotionally wrecked, day in, day out, while he says the words "love" but yet doesn't show it whatsoever, but just "expecting YOU to stay, no matter what, for his own amusement. You're BETTER than that, chica.""


I met so many, in the field i work on, for decades, who "stay in the same situation, and do not realize they are allowing themselves,
to be exactly the way he or she want them to be:
-inwardly feelin' alone/isolated/abused/stressed/not happy.

I am so happy you realize yes, that you were ready to "get there" and find yourself, on another journey, without such loser,
and realize your worth, and your value in life, is worth more than all the dirt, and bull sh-t, he has done to you and put you through."

I am so proud of u, PM me anytime, and stay strong. stay prudent. and realize that life is too short, to stay in a place, of such toxicity,
to continually bring you down, to a place u know u are to "good" to be at, very happy to read this. hugs and blessings. Adios.
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IF ACTION, isn't shown, then,it's not real. . .
...
Lead with your MIND + not your heart.



Last edited by a.rare.love; 09-26-2020 at 06:07 PM..
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  #14  
Old 09-27-2020, 08:23 AM
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Good for you! I gave 17 years and ran with our son. My family disowned me over it, choosing to believe his lies over my truth. I honestly thought when they saw how our son was they would realize the truth of the matter. Nope. God told me to run. He gave me an out. He showed me who my family really was even though I knew all along and didn't want to face/believe it. He gave me an out from them as well. He gave me everything I needed then took my ex via an aortic dissection. I still pray his heart and soul were right with God, but I am so very grateful he's not around anymore because he was stalking me and would destroy my new man any way he could. My family causes more harm than good, so I'm glad to be away from them as well. I love/hate hearing stories like yours because it makes me feel less alone. You are a strong woman and I love what you did and am very proud of you-*sister fist bump*
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  #15  
Old 09-28-2020, 10:57 AM
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Thank you for your words, I agree 100% and yes I am better than OK, we are free! and that's a constant reminder for us and we are so thankful everyday.


Quote:
Originally Posted by miamac View Post
The very best part of this (from my view) is that you set a standard and cut a path for your children so that they know what it means to Be OK. If it means selling the house, fine. If it means money is tight for a minute, that's all right. If it means he says crazy things about you, that's on him. You'll be OK. They'll be OK. Better than OK.

So very proud of you for doing such a difficult and loving thing.
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  #16  
Old 09-28-2020, 11:07 AM
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Hi and thank you! Yes I'm sure he regrets it or pretended to, he contacted me about 3 months ago trying to get me to come back but all his words meant nothing to me anymore, called my momma and complained about me not letting him see our youngest daughter but we all blocked him he can suck it up and have all the regrets in the world and WE ARE NEVER NEVER coming back to a place like I told him that I had lost myself. I'm good now and I'm loving it...no doubts no regrets on my end only that I wish I'd done it sooner but what matters is that me and my girls are safe and happy.

Yes girl I could not waste another minute in the same house as him, I couldn't wait for the moment that we'd be gone. I was anxious to start my life without him and soooo ready. I owed him nothing and yet I paid so much to be with him. Not worth it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by a.rare.love View Post


I'm smiling @ your post/thread, hola chica! Great to know you're citing that part in red. He shall regret it,if not already. Let em' miss u, chica,as u move on finally able to "truly live!" #Happy #Healthier #FOCUS from here on in, what you know, is truly good & healthy for you, and be happy."
...

#Know your worth and live a much happier vida, chica, hola. Know who you are,inside out, surround yourself with good healthy thoughts + healthy happy positive good "mature" stable souls, offline or online, just be happy, while starting over for the betterment of YOU! He clearly did not deserve you, at all.
...

I always say, to others, "You're getting there" finally,yes, because YOU wanted to get "there" by finally realizing and recognizing[b] that (for you)chica, it was finally time to say "ENOUGH" and mean it. You finally knew itwas just time, and you were not going to waste another minute trying to convince and fool yourself, that "it's worth staying."

I always remind others:

Don't ever stick around in a dead-end relationship, trying to fight for something OR some one who isn't fighting for you.

That's a losing team if that is the case and you're better off without such loser."I am myself, about WINNING, healthy vibe, good energy when i am with someone,and not about losing,so i am strong, eyes wide open, at the end of the day to just say, "Ok, this is not going anywhere positive, healthy, beautiful, so i am going to switch my trajectory, so i can be happy again as LIFE IS TOO SHORT,NOT TO.


Sadly, so many do this time and time again,and only end up in the end sad and miserable. No man is worth losing yourself, while you're inwardly stressing to the point of getting ill, or emotionally wrecked, day in, day out, while he says the words "love" but yet doesn't show it whatsoever, but just "expecting YOU to stay, no matter what, for his own amusement. You're BETTER than that, chica.""


I met so many, in the field i work on, for decades, who "stay in the same situation, and do not realize they are allowing themselves,
to be exactly the way he or she want them to be:
-inwardly feelin' alone/isolated/abused/stressed/not happy.

I am so happy you realize yes, that you were ready to "get there" and find yourself, on another journey, without such loser,
and realize your worth, and your value in life, is worth more than all the dirt, and bull sh-t, he has done to you and put you through."

I am so proud of u, PM me anytime, and stay strong. stay prudent. and realize that life is too short, to stay in a place, of such toxicity,
to continually bring you down, to a place u know u are to "good" to be at, very happy to read this. hugs and blessings. Adios.
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  #17  
Old 09-28-2020, 11:16 AM
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I'm sorry for what you went through as well and I'm glad you realize that God always walked with you as he did with me. Thank you for your kind words, life was tough and we overcame, I hope other women going through the same thing would value their worth. I always thought why me but I was stronger than him in so many ways and he could not break me no matter how hard he tried, because oh boy did he try. I'm still standing strong ready for whatever else life has in store, hopefully good from now on.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacob's Girl View Post
Good for you! I gave 17 years and ran with our son. My family disowned me over it, choosing to believe his lies over my truth. I honestly thought when they saw how our son was they would realize the truth of the matter. Nope. God told me to run. He gave me an out. He showed me who my family really was even though I knew all along and didn't want to face/believe it. He gave me an out from them as well. He gave me everything I needed then took my ex via an aortic dissection. I still pray his heart and soul were right with God, but I am so very grateful he's not around anymore because he was stalking me and would destroy my new man any way he could. My family causes more harm than good, so I'm glad to be away from them as well. I love/hate hearing stories like yours because it makes me feel less alone. You are a strong woman and I love what you did and am very proud of you-*sister fist bump*
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