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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 02-17-2020, 02:58 AM
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Default Husbands with incarcerated wives, What makes you stay?

How many married men on this forum that are there for their incarcerated wives? And are supporting them? I know that this is mainly a female dominated phenomenon. And it's mainly the women who do the waiting and support. But what about the men? I've asked my husband if the tables were turned would he support me? His answer was yes. Now I ask you men, I ask you these questions because of two reasons.

1) I've tried to find statistical literature on line but none is to be found.

2) And because this seems to be more of a female dominated role. With plenty of literature online to support this phenomenon

So for you men who have wives and are staying with them and supporting them till such time that they do their sentences. What makes you stay other than the fact that you love your wives?
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Old 02-17-2020, 03:25 AM
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Its because our demographic is so small, its not even worth having a place for us. There's just not enough people. I support my wife with calls, canteen, and everything in between. I'm able to do it, so its not a big deal. Addiction caused her to make a poor decision, and she's paying for it with mandatory minimums and a DA that made examples out of plenty of women in our county. I've been through hell, and every layer in between. I married her, and looked right in her eyes that I would love her, be with her, and never leave, cheat, or deface the value of the words and vows I took that day. I am not getting a divorce, nor am I ever going to walk away. She has changed, fixed her addiction issues, and is in a completely different place now. There is not a chance I would leave her now. I dont care about the no sex part. She's my partner, best friend, my entire world, and no other woman can even compete for me. I gave my word, and that means a lot to me. We are so beyond stuck together for life, and I'm thankful I get 5 3 hour visits a week. She will be home one day. 40 years with her is 100000000x better then any other option for me. Yep, it sucks going to bed alone, it sucks having our daughter be without her, it sucks not hearing her voice or seeing her smile. But, that's my family and I'll defend it with my life.
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Old 02-17-2020, 03:45 AM
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Its because our demographic is so small, its not even worth having a place for us. There's just not enough people. I support my wife with calls, canteen, and everything in between. I'm able to do it, so its not a big deal. Addiction caused her to make a poor decision, and she's paying for it with mandatory minimums and a DA that made examples out of plenty of women in our county. I've been through hell, and every layer in between. I married her, and looked right in her eyes that I would love her, be with her, and never leave, cheat, or deface the value of the words and vows I took that day. I am not getting a divorce, nor am I ever going to walk away. She has changed, fixed her addiction issues, and is in a completely different place now. There is not a chance I would leave her now. I dont care about the no sex part. She's my partner, best friend, my entire world, and no other woman can even compete for me. I gave my word, and that means a lot to me. We are so beyond stuck together for life, and I'm thankful I get 5 3 hour visits a week. She will be home one day. 40 years with her is 100000000x better then any other option for me. Yep, it sucks going to bed alone, it sucks having our daughter be without her, it sucks not hearing her voice or seeing her smile. But, that's my family and I'll defend it with my life.
It is so touching and a breath of fresh air to know that there are husbands such as yourself who are willing to support their wives and not just give up on them and walk away.


Your wife is one lucky woman to have a husband like you by her side and in her life. From the love,loyalty, protection and devotion in your words, it seems that you too are a very lucky man to have your wife in your life. I hope that the time flies by for the both of you. So that you can both resume your lives in the outside world and share many many happy memories to come.



Thank you
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  #4  
Old 02-17-2020, 04:13 AM
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We get along so well, I can't remember the last argument we had that lasted longer then 2 minutes. That was developed over many years of going through every single thing you can imagine. Was I furious she let down her family? Sure was. I never left her side, because who does that to someone you love. People throw that word around a lot here. It is not something you develop in 2 or 3 months when all you get is best behavior 20 minute phone calls once a week or a couple of visits a month/year. It is the mind games that are played in your head and the fantasy that is developed because of little to no contact we get with them. I can see how people would fall for that. It is also a bit of a knock on others that have went through the trenches of good and bad, because my unbreakable love for my wife, simply doesn't compete or compare with someone's couple of months. It is nowhere near the same. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, because the tears and frustration are hard at times. There's nothing exciting or fantastic or glamourous with loving someone who is owned by a state or the federal government. We feed into this mindset that it is, only to see so many crash and burn, or just can't do it for the long haul and then write this gut wrenching story about all the terrible things that happened. Love is enough. It just needs to be defined better. Its not angry or demanding, hurtful or violent. Its compassion, sacrifice, and devotion to one person. Its being faithful and understanding. No one should accept anything less then that.

Your words meant a lot Born, I will be sharing them with my wife. Many days I feel like I am fighting an army with just me as the opposition. So, thank you too.

Last edited by Visitor611; 02-17-2020 at 04:29 AM..
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  #5  
Old 02-17-2020, 11:27 AM
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I just noticed your question. I think there are more men married to incarcerated women than the level of posts indicates. Men tend to share less personal and relationship information than women. I doubt many Free World men in outside/inside marriages join support groups like PTO. When we’re kids we learn to “suck it up” and “walk it off” when we’re hurt. It’s a masculine thing. John Wayne and Clint Eastwood never cried, did they?

What make me stay? Different things. Our daughter needed her mom when she was little We had hope an appeal would let her come home sooner. We were both so busy getting established and continuing our educations we didn’t really have a lot of time for each other. We were together but we didn’t know each other all that well in retrospect. We were young. Our personalities, likes, dislikes, wants and needs were evolving. We had and have unfinished relationship business. We’re not the same people we were when we were together. She hasn’t stopped growing intellectually since she been down. She’s interesting, attractive and maybe a little mysterious because I can’t be involved in the majority of her life. Lastly, we have a very exciting and stimulating sexual relationship even though it’s almost exclusively mental.
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Old 02-17-2020, 03:37 PM
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I just noticed your question. I think there are more men married to incarcerated women than the level of posts indicates. Men tend to share less personal and relationship information than women. I doubt many Free World men in outside/inside marriages join support groups like PTO. When we’re kids we learn to “suck it up” and “walk it off” when we’re hurt. It’s a masculine thing. John Wayne and Clint Eastwood never cried, did they?

What make me stay? Different things. Our daughter needed her mom when she was little We had hope an appeal would let her come home sooner. We were both so busy getting established and continuing our educations we didn’t really have a lot of time for each other. We were together but we didn’t know each other all that well in retrospect. We were young. Our personalities, likes, dislikes, wants and needs were evolving. We had and have unfinished relationship business. We’re not the same people we were when we were together. She hasn’t stopped growing intellectually since she been down. She’s interesting, attractive and maybe a little mysterious because I can’t be involved in the majority of her life. Lastly, we have a very exciting and stimulating sexual relationship even though it’s almost exclusively mental.
That is so sweet, Another loyal and loving husband. You guys are truly wonderful.

You maybe right in what you say regarding the men married to incarcerated women. Most men are taught to be strong, masculine and not to show their emotions. To most men, showing their emotions is considered as a sign of weakness.

It's funny really as mothers, we teach our sons to be strong and to always support the family by working hard and keeping your emotions in tact.

As wives we crave your emotional side and try to get you to open up because we crave that mental intimacy.

On another note did you know that a true bond created by two people is one of emotion? Emotional intimacy is the foundation for a rich and loving relationship, and should continually be tended to and nurtured. It's the only bond between a couple that can't be broken and keeps the relationship going.

A sexual relationship on one hand although very nice and creates intimacy fizzles out quickly leaving nothing of the relationship to hold onto. A physical intimacy can take place with little or no love-connection between the partners, that's why some people can have one night stands without the feeling of guilt. On the other hand emotional intimacy is a link that grows and deepens between two people who are in love and one that lasts forever.
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Old 02-17-2020, 04:03 PM
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... did you know that a true bond created by two people is one of emotion? Emotional intimacy is the foundation for a rich and loving relationship, and should continually be tended to and nurtured. It's the only bond between a couple that can't be broken and keeps the relationship going.

Emotional bonds can survive and transcend physical separation.

A sexual relationship on one hand although very nice and creates intimacy fizzles out quickly leaving nothing of the relationship to hold onto. A physical intimacy can take place with little or no love-connection between the partners, that's why some people can have one night stands without the feeling of guilt. On the other hand emotional intimacy is a link that grows and deepens between two people who are in love and one that lasts forever.

Maintaining a sexual aspect of emotional intimacy keeps things interesting for both partners.
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Old 02-25-2020, 10:42 AM
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What makes me stay? Obviously I love her. I do support her via canteen, packages, phone calls, school, e-mails and what not. I have a severe case of PTSD that she was the only one who could calm me down during my nightmares. She constantly watched over me as I slept. When she went to prison it was, to me at the time, a deathblow. I got a fantastic doctor who has me on medication that deals with my PTSD to the point I don't dream and sleep very well. If I do dream I don't remember it. Yet I still remember what my wife did for me. We just have such a connection with each other that I "stay" because it is the right thing to do. I never had a thought of leaving her.
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Old 02-25-2020, 11:55 AM
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What makes me stay? Obviously I love her. I do support her via canteen, packages, phone calls, school, e-mails and what not. I have a severe case of PTSD that she was the only one who could calm me down during my nightmares. She constantly watched over me as I slept. When she went to prison it was, to me at the time, a deathblow. I got a fantastic doctor who has me on medication that deals with my PTSD to the point I don't dream and sleep very well. If I do dream I don't remember it. Yet I still remember what my wife did for me. We just have such a connection with each other that I "stay" because it is the right thing to do. I never had a thought of leaving her.

Sorry about the PTSD. I know it makes life damned difficult. You were fortunate to have her support when you needed it most. It's really great that you're able to repay her for her love and sacrifice the way you do. I doubt many people get to put as much into a relationship as the two of you have. Stay strong for her and yourself.
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Old 02-27-2020, 07:01 AM
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Sorry about the PTSD. I know it makes life damned difficult. You were fortunate to have her support when you needed it most. It's really great that you're able to repay her for her love and sacrifice the way you do. I doubt many people get to put as much into a relationship as the two of you have. Stay strong for her and yourself.
Thanks and appreciate it. This is just a "speed bump" as I like to tell her. We will get over that and be together soon.
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Old 02-27-2020, 03:16 PM
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Thanks and appreciate it. This is just a "speed bump" as I like to tell her. We will get over that and be together soon.

A positive attitude goes a long way!!!
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Old 03-13-2020, 04:38 PM
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With the disclaimer that my relationship is now over.....

I did make it 5+ years, the whole stretch for her, and over a year post-gate before things fell apart.

On the subject of why we’re a rare breed......I think there is a certain patience required for this life. And a degree of feeling a need to be a bit of a “lone wolf.” If you’re someone who needs a constant companion you’re not going to survive this. And if you’re someone who needs the physical element....this is probably not going to work (unless there’s a mutual understanding.)

The question I get asked is “why did it fail?” In my case it’s because Dee wanted to go back to being what she was. And I couldn’t follow that path. It’s one thing when they misbehave in their seemingly on their own time. It’s another when they misbehave out here on our’s.

I think there is a qualifiable difference between being with them when they are locked up and being with them afterward. I certainly wish others more success than I had long-term after release.

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