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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #26  
Old 04-03-2020, 12:09 PM
RonniePenPal RonniePenPal is offline
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Originally Posted by Born View Post
There were two issues at play. Your penpal was looking for a friendship or an escape from his normal everyday incarcerated life, which turned into a relationship with you in his mind. As your exchange back and forth continued he was able to open up and eventually ended up have feelings for you. And when you broke the relationship off he was pissed off and deeply hurt. (And rightly so, I mean who wouldn't be? you took a vulnerable and lonely man and broke his heart. I'm not saying that you did it intentionally as you didn't, but it happened just the same.



Now take you, Your husband doesn't make you feel special, he doesn't smother you with love, nor does he pay you any attention. If anything he takes you for granted and expects you to do your wifely duties. You both live together like friends or companions without the affection or sex. Your marriage is stale and has been like that for sometime now. To deal with it and to find a way to cope you decided to write to a penpal thinking that that was the safest way that you could still stay married but to also find friendship. Your friendship turned into an emotional relationship that you didn't account for. your husband got jealous and your penpal got hurt. Leaving you feeling guilty on both counts.



I'm just sorry that you are feeling bad about the whole thing. I'm also sorry that your husband couldn't give you what you crave and more so sorry that he doesn't know your worth. And your poor penpal I feel sorry for his hurt.
I am sad for my pen pal as well. He didn't deserve to have his heart broken...especially considering the despair and bleakness of being in prison. I feel very guilty but I deserve that feeling for not being more careful with his feelings. I still think about my pen pal all the time. I am grateful to him for the love letters, cards, kindness, and thought provoking discussions. It was affirming to be cared for in that manner by a man who was quite handsome.

My husband and I have always had a passionate sex life. We were also quite physically affectionate. My issues were around the way my husband stopped courting me. Sometimes a wife wants little surprises and dates. I certainly didn't expect that every week or even every month. I just wanted some fun and romance once in a while. What made me resent my husband is he kept telling me that he would do such things for YEARS and never did them. It felt like disrespectful lying. He only bought me flowers because he felt badly when I started buying them for myself. He took three years to plan dates. I know my needs seem stupid and trivial but they were very real to me-especially since I was mindful of doing what my husband needed to feel happy. I also felt embarrassed to be begging for such gestures. When I was single, I never had to ask a man to be romantic. They just did certain things because they were interested in me.

So now my husband is falling all over himself trying to give me what I craved for a long time. Since I have made the decision to stay with him, I am trying my best to be appreciative. It is difficult because of my deep resentment and my husband's pattern of not doing what he says he will until shit hits the fan. I don't understand why my husband didn't he love me enough to follow through on his own rather than when he caught me with someone else.

Born, please be aware that I am grateful for your understanding of this situation. I'm glad that you are telling me the truth without condemning me. The fact is my actions were reprehensible so I'm sure it's much easier to take shots than be as caring as you have been.
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  #27  
Old 04-03-2020, 12:16 PM
RonniePenPal RonniePenPal is offline
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Originally Posted by LotusBlossom23 View Post
This has been an incredibly interesting thread to read. Every PP Iíve had mentioned how theyíve written with married women, they told me Iíd be surprised how often it happens, but considering plenty of people who are on Facebook, Tinder, etc. are married and looking for something else, Iím not really shocked by that - I could see how itís easy to get excited by the fantasy, while prison isnít a pleasant thing, itís an interesting thing, and I think thatís why itís the subject and scene of so many beloved television shows, books, and movies. Letter writing and separation are also a focus of romance and lovers torn apart. People are so complex, and so are relationships - Iím not really a monogamist person so I donít judge others on their choices, but I think youíre doing the right thing completely cutting the cord with a person you had a lot of emotional investment in. While yeah, itís unfair to pop back up and then go away again, you lived and you learned that people can react and snap with anger to being treated that way. I donít see anything wrong if you write to another person, if youíve made up your mind you want to focus on your marriage and not get emotionally involved - men and women can be friends. Some people will tell you thatís not possible, but it is if people put a little effort into their behavior around each other. There are some people from my past who were married or in relationships, and their spouses/partners threw a fit by them even just talking to me or sitting too close at a party, and I got blamed for just being there. As far as incarcerated pen pals go, I only ever had one that was engaged who asked me to help him cheat on his fiancť with sexy talk/visits because they were having issues. I flat out told her, sent her the screenshots, and Iíd do it again in a heartbeat. Did I also tell all people off who tried to drag me into their personal drama/problems and then blame me? You bet. Would I respond if those people reached out to me again? No, not in a million years. And they will reach out, but I know better. I wish you luck going forward, as well as happiness and stability in your relationship and friendships!
Thank you so much for your warm wishes and refusal to judge my actions and my marriage.

I know that cutting off my pen pal was a wise choice. Unfortunately, the wisest decisions are rarely the easiest ones.

I would love to write to another inmate but I need to wait until I have fully processed my actions with my former pen pal. I also want to focus on building better boundaries, higher self esteem, and rebuilding my marriage. Pen pals will always be there when I'm ready to reach out to another one.
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  #28  
Old 04-03-2020, 12:26 PM
RonniePenPal RonniePenPal is offline
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Originally Posted by FamilyBiz87 View Post
To OP
1. Donít beat yourself up!
2. Thank You for being open & honest. You are letting people know how quickly & easily an innocent PP relationship can get. Remember, initially you put a stop to his advances. He retreated, then re engaged. When you think of him woefully perhaps you can consider the ďwhyĒ of that reengagement. It seems to me you have thought long and hard about why you went along with his second advance.
3. Remember whatís important, you! You cannot be a good or great spouse if you feel constant want or sense of lacking in your life. We have to learn to be enough for ourselves & practice rigorous self care. When our cups overflow, our spouses, children, family, friends,etc. benefit. When we run around ragged on fumes we have nothing to give others. I donít know who said it but a friend once told me this quote... ďThe goal is life is to find your God given gift, then give it away.Ē I loved that quote then realized everything I wrote above, I have nothing to give when I walk around all day with negative thoughts about myself & my situation.
4. I have had overwhelmingly emotionally outbursts to a very short associations. 1 was an actual relationship, but very short. No sex & I didnít think it was serious. The second was a mortgage lender! I decided not to go with his company. In return I was treated to a tantrum & insults! I was shocked! Both tantrum throwers DEMANDED that I owed them something for their time & effort. LOL, When I think of situations I consider their motives. Anyway, you just got to see how that person handles difficult situations. Now that you know...well you probably saved yourself a lot of grief.
5. You mentioned possible future pen pals...please consider point number 3 before you do.

You sound like a very aware & sensitive woman. Again thank you for telling your story openly & honestly.
What a sweet and caring post! Thank you so much.

I think that holding myself accountable is healthy. Some would refer to that as beating myself up but I think it's necessary.

I went a long with the second advance because I found my pen pal sexy and I liked the persistence. It made me feel desired. I also felt like I deserved to indulge in a little bit of fun due to everything I had been through. Lastly, I wanted to give my pen pal something wonderful to focus on while he had no other sexual release. I know all of this sounds selfish and tawdry but I'm being honest.

My God given gift is compassion. Sometimes it gets me into trouble with being used by those who just want to take. Other times, compassion just flows out of me like water. I have always been someone put others ahead of me to my detriment and I am still learning to stop that codependent behavior.

I think my pen pal's reaction was partly because of the way I was speaking to him. I often told him what he wanted to hear because I felt badly for him. He was angered by my hot and cold nonsense. I knew that my pen pal was a passionate and emotional man so I should have been more careful. At the same time, my pen pal had obvious emotional regulation difficulties as well as mommy issues. These difficulties led to reactions which were over the top even for him. He certainly didn't have to threaten me, call me names, or fly off the handle just because I said things that he didn't like. This is what happens when people like him are placated.

I won't be writing to another inmate for a while. I need a break from all of this.
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  #29  
Old 04-06-2020, 01:13 PM
FamilyBiz87 FamilyBiz87 is offline
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You ARE NOT ALONE! When someone is persistent & passionate about us we can easily loose our power of discernment, I think. The same thing happens when we are passionate about someone. Then when the smoke clears we’re standing in the midst of a mess wondering how we got there. You did a great job stepping back & re-evaluating, you did not destroy a marriage that can be saved. You apologized and moved on. That’s all you can do, no more beating yourself up please!
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