Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

photoholic808 · #26 07-09-2012, 01:41 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.. no parent should ever have to loose a child.. You are a strong woman to do what you have done, and continue to do.. whether you realize it or not by sharing your stories you are helping .. I kno when I lost my brother .. read this book.. traveling light release the burdens you were never inteded to bear.. and it was a help.. alot of people dont understand it is not til after the service that... the pain really begins...sendin you strength and Love.. and I am so sorry about your loss

The Hug Thief · #27 07-09-2012, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nieves915

On another note,. yes you might be called names and hated by those that you encounter, but I know that someone somewhere down the line has thanked you for saving thier child.

Not only the parents. The kids too. It might just be a job, and so many people might hate you then, but the kids that you take away have a future. They have a chance. So many kids don't get it, if even a few can, it's an improvement.

Geauxin'KraZee · #28 07-11-2012, 08:35 AM

Sometimes children are better off not knowing their other parent, the abusive one, because children do and live as they are taught. I like it when I see a abused woman catch her footing, I love seeing them smile, I push for them to become self supportive, and it feels good in my heart to know I'm not ever going to see them on a professional basis again.
Life is way to short.[/quote]

In my case, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY SO TRUE! My three daughters never had to be exposed to or be invoved with their sperm donor ever again and I'm happy to say that all three excelled in school, were uncover in after school activities. They are now wives and mothers and I'm so beyond ecstatic to say that neither one of them are in abusive relationships. We just celebrated the birth of my youngest daughters son, my eight grandchild on July 6th.

Its NEVER too late to change one's life. I thank God everyday for having the guts and the courage to leave, move one and get help. Its helped me to cone a long way in my life and I know in my heart to thus very day that my girls were and still are better off WITHOUT their natural biological father!

noboundries · #29 07-11-2012, 09:38 AM

Thank you for this post. Im fresh out my house . .... i set 2 therapeutic boundaries before i consider moving back in. He has to complete treatment and we have to go through family counseling. Research says abusers need so much more than anger management. The truth is they CAN manage they anger....they ARE in control of their emotions. They choose when they will or wont exercise abusive ways.

Its almost getting hard for me to say that 'if he does this then i will do that'. I know its crap. I know he wont get the help he nees....but it made me feel better about leaving.

**Nieves915** · #30 07-11-2012, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by noboundries

Thank you for this post. Im fresh out my house . .... i set 2 therapeutic boundaries before i consider moving back in. He has to complete treatment and we have to go through family counseling. Research says abusers need so much more than anger management. The truth is they CAN manage they anger....they ARE in control of their emotions. They choose when they will or wont exercise abusive ways.

Its almost getting hard for me to say that 'if he does this then i will do that'. I know its crap. I know he wont get the help he nees....but it made me feel better about leaving.

MOST abusers can control thier temper,, BUT they choose not too. Its a control tool that they use over us,, fear binds us to them, in thier mind we are giving them respect. anger managment classes, (hmm, well unless an abuser is internally ready for change,) the classes wont mean much to him except a certification that they can throw in our faces to say, "Look I did this for you", crap to that too.
It is so hard to leave, and it is even harder to stay gone, especially when we love so hard and pray so hard and they leave those messages in our ear, "I love you, i need you, im so sorry, itll never happen again." If I had a penny for everytime i heard that i would be so rich right now... We are consumed in our fairytale world that OUR love is what they need to get it right this time,,, reality ladies, is that we cant fix, change, or mend what is broken within them...... All we can do is stand strong, and do what we know is the hardest thing to do,, walk away from what you thought was happily ever after............. I know,,, I know,,,,,,, but at the end of that long journey to your freedom the reward is greater than you can imagine........ life is really beautiful when you can look at it with unswollen eyes.......... you can breath again through a nose that was fractured before, and the air on your skin doesnt sting the cuts!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is great abuse free,,,,,,, Imagine, not rushing to clean the house, or make sure the food is prepared perfectly, or the kids being kept quiet because he wants silence or else........... get out, stand in the middle of your living room, scream, shout dance, leave the dishes till morning, put a processed dinner in the mircowave and enjoy YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maya2007 · #31 08-05-2012, 04:01 AM

Based on my experience and reading post like these, I have concluded that abuser chance of being change is nil....

mooshy · #32 08-05-2012, 05:40 AM

No, it never stopped. It changed in nature and method over the years. It became more intense, more accurately targeted, more damaging. The last time I saw her was when I went to get the few belongings I was allowed........I think she knew it was her last chance because I took more face hits than ever so she clearly didn't give a toss who would see her handywork. The police came and did nothing

Even then the abuse didn't stop...........the separation of finances took almost a year because of her and were only resolved when my brief alluded to her violence in correspondence. I haad phone calls to my cell so I changed the number. Weird phone calls at work I couldn't avoid. Accounts I held were cancelled while she pretended to be me. My family were contacted for months and ignored her at my request (which was the only supportive thing they did).

Why would abusers change? Clearly they are able to moderate their behaviour as my ex was not abusing any of her friends and colleagues. It is so much easier to treat people with disrespect and total selfishness. Decency requires empathy, caring, respect, selflessness, and loads of effort.

I still don't know what it was about me/us that inspired such behaviour. But clearly I wasn't worth the effort as far as she was concerned to work it out.

marissaa · #33 08-05-2012, 06:58 AM

My abuser (my ex-husband) actually did stop. He never did time, or ever get in trouble because I never reported it, ever! I really don't know why he stopped but he did. The mental & emotional abuse, however, continued until I finally left him. Even though he stopped, it didn't really fix the problem or "change" him. I think he has a lot of underlying issues before he can sincerely "change" himself. SMH.

Miss_A · #34 08-05-2012, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marissaa

My abuser (my ex-husband) actually did stop. He never did time, or ever get in trouble because I never reported it, ever! I really don't know why he stopped but he did. The mental & emotional abuse, however, continued until I finally left him. Even though he stopped, it didn't really fix the problem or "change" him. I think he has a lot of underlying issues before he can sincerely "change" himself. SMH.

So, really, the abuse didn't stop. The OP was asking if all the abuse stopped, not just one aspect of it. Even though he stopped the physical, he was still abusing you.

Glad you got away from him.

Free Again · #35 08-07-2012, 03:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

This probably isn't the place for me to open up but please don't thank me. I am one of the most hated professions in the system. It does something to me deep inside to see a woman beaten beyond recognization and then I have her arrested for failure to protect her child/ren. I go to homes, I set across my desk and tell these women time after time they are putting their children at risk with the agency and sometimes I am truly concerened with the victims/not just the children. In return I am called names, children shutter when they see me and abusers are intimidated with my badge and the threat I am there to remove the leverage and control in their households.
I've seen terrible, I mean horrific shit during my career. My eyes fill with tears as I type that.
Coming here, reading the womens (victims) testimonies has helped me and probably a few people I have encountered over the last several years because sometimes I look at them and think 'wow, that could be free, mooshy, or any other woman I befriended on my escape site' so I treat them with a little more compassion.
I lost my son recently. He was the reason I joined this site. I am wounded inside like never before. I have no one to blame accept the disease that took him so I am having a hard time going back to work and dealing with people that are going to place their children in danger in the name of love. There is nothing as final as death so why would anyone subject their child to the threat? If I could have saved my son I would have ran anywhere and done anything. Does that make sense?
I'm sorry. That was my morning vent before I catch my plane and find my new life empty from my son.
bb

Oh BB... I know that there are no words, please accept my deepest sympathies and my heartfelt condolences, my biggest hugs. I wish there were a way to ease your grief, if I could, I would find it for you. I just can't imagine.............

Free Again · #36 08-07-2012, 03:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mooshy

No, it never stopped. It changed in nature and method over the years. It became more intense, more accurately targeted, more damaging. The last time I saw her was when I went to get the few belongings I was allowed........I think she knew it was her last chance because I took more face hits than ever so she clearly didn't give a toss who would see her handywork. The police came and did nothing

Even then the abuse didn't stop...........the separation of finances took almost a year because of her and were only resolved when my brief alluded to her violence in correspondence. I haad phone calls to my cell so I changed the number. Weird phone calls at work I couldn't avoid. Accounts I held were cancelled while she pretended to be me. My family were contacted for months and ignored her at my request (which was the only supportive thing they did).

Why would abusers change? Clearly they are able to moderate their behaviour as my ex was not abusing any of her friends and colleagues. It is so much easier to treat people with disrespect and total selfishness. Decency requires empathy, caring, respect, selflessness, and loads of effort.

I still don't know what it was about me/us that inspired such behaviour. But clearly I wasn't worth the effort as far as she was concerned to work it out.

Time for a perspectives check Mooshy... She was a psychotic, colossal, BITCH and you weren't. You could not possibly inspire THAT type of behaviour, thats ALL on HER.

mooshy · #37 08-07-2012, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Free Again

Time for a perspectives check Mooshy... She was a psychotic, colossal, BITCH and you weren't. You could not possibly inspire THAT type of behaviour, thats ALL on HER.

Well I was just kind of thinking along the lines of some combinations of people being plain old toxic and us being one of 'em. There has to be something about a victim which makes an abuser target them - so whatever that quality is it kind of nurtures their shit. What is it about us that lights the blue touchpaper?

Free Again · #38 08-07-2012, 04:56 PM

We made the mistake of loving them, I'm pretty sure thats it..... When you love some one you make yourself vulnerable in a unique way and they use that vulnerability in their own unique way, does that make sense?. Thats kinda what this whole thread about, it's not just us, it's previous and future partners too, the abusers don't change...

mooshy · #39 08-08-2012, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Free Again

We made the mistake of loving them, I'm pretty sure thats it..... When you love some one you make yourself vulnerable in a unique way and they use that vulnerability in their own unique way, does that make sense?. Thats kinda what this whole thread about, it's not just us, it's previous and future partners too, the abusers don't change...

Yeah, I'm with ya.

**Nieves915** · #40 08-16-2012, 10:11 AM

I think that we (survivors) throw out this signal of being needy. NOt in a bad way, but wanting to be needed, and wanting to save the world. I dont know, its confusing, I know that I can only speak for myself. In my life I have always been with a man to cover the hurts and pains of my childhood, I longed so badly to be loved, I was obsessed with being with someone who loved me, turns out that all that was my sign to being weak and able to be manipulated. I am very strong in my career, and I have a good sense about me, but the choices i make in relationships are redicuous. Maybe a part of me thinks this is the best I can do, IDK guys... confusion clouds my mind daily.
Today is a rough day,,, my husband was was in rehab, left, again,,, 3 weeks ago (after 31 days) decided he couldnt do it.. he hit the streets again, I begged and begged and begged for him to turn himself in, he didnt,,,, yesterday while driving to pick up the plates for my new car we were followed by the police,, my husband stoped the car, jumped out and ran, police on him in foot pursuit. CAUGHT/// Now in jail again,,,,,,, drugs will destroy a person!!!!!! BACK AT SQARE ONE!!!!
He has never ever ever hit me and is very good to me,,, but ghesh,,,,,,, cant he just get his life together for himself, his children and me, I suspect he will now be sent to TDC,,, another long journey ahead of me, I sit with my thoughts and my pain. Today is not a good day.

bumblebee37 · #41 08-16-2012, 11:36 AM

I'm sorry Nieves.

I don't know if you know or not but I was in rehab some years back for my alcoholism.

I wish I had all the answers for you but I wanted to tell you that your guy is going to have to find 'the want' to not use within himself and it won't last if he does it for you and your children. I had to totally hit bottom with no one allowing me to make excuses or false promises that I would seek help tomorrow. Everyone I loved and everything I had was put on the line.
I'm not telling you to leave your guy, please don't think I am. I'm telling you from my heart you can not try to base your life and your children's life on someone who isn't dealing with a clear mind.
I hope I didn't make your day worse. I'm just concerned for you and your children. Drugs and alcohol are a hard road, I know first hand.

(hugs) bb

nimuay · #42 08-16-2012, 01:01 PM

Sonya, I just keep thinking about you . . . and his addiction. About how you've now chosen another man who isn't available. About how you've chosen another man who needs saving.

I know how much you love him, but - I hate to say it - it's still a broken kind of loving. You're never getting the full package . . . always half a love.

And I think about the fact that as long as you're still pouring all that love on him, he's not hitting bottom, not finding, as BB said, his "want".

And I don't want to rub it in, but I'm very, very sad for you.

**Nieves915** · #43 08-16-2012, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

I'm sorry Nieves.

I don't know if you know or not but I was in rehab some years back for my alcoholism.

I wish I had all the answers for you but I wanted to tell you that your guy is going to have to find 'the want' to not use within himself and it won't last if he does it for you and your children. I had to totally hit bottom with no one allowing me to make excuses or false promises that I would seek help tomorrow. Everyone I loved and everything I had was put on the line.
I'm not telling you to leave your guy, please don't think I am. I'm telling you from my heart you can not try to base your life and your children's life on someone who isn't dealing with a clear mind.
I hope I didn't make your day worse. I'm just concerned for you and your children. Drugs and alcohol are a hard road, I know first hand.

(hugs) bb

awww thanks Bumblebee, you didnt make my day worse. I promise. I know he has to do this alone. I just hate his choices, his decisions and his lifestyle. I guess its because i have never understood the power that drugs had on a persons mind and soul. I think its so easy to quit but it really isnt. I get mad cuz he cant leave it alone. I feel like the drug is more important than his family, and I supose it is right now. I know he has to hit bottom, well truth is he cant get much lower, after 3 oportunities to get the rehab and help he needed, he is now facing up at least 5 years TDC time... Its a tough road for him to walk considering, but he has to walk it, and he has to do it for himself. I pray he does, if he doesnt well, God will take care of me and the babies. Thanks

**Nieves915** · #44 08-16-2012, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nimuay

Sonya, I just keep thinking about you . . . and his addiction. About how you've now chosen another man who isn't available. About how you've chosen another man who needs saving.

I know how much you love him, but - I hate to say it - it's still a broken kind of loving. You're never getting the full package . . . always half a love.

And I think about the fact that as long as you're still pouring all that love on him, he's not hitting bottom, not finding, as BB said, his "want".

And I don't want to rub it in, but I'm very, very sad for you.

Nimuay, you have been around for me for a longgg time. I trust your words. You are right, it is a broken kind of loving,,, i obviously have my own set of issues to deal with.
Your words are always appreciated and taken to heart. thank you.