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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #51  
Old 06-27-2018, 02:12 PM
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Well done just carry on getting through everyday and getting stronger and happier without him.
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Old 06-27-2018, 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by nancyginnm View Post
They don't do this in Colorado. You can call the facility AW and request your name be removed from his call list. The AG or IG can call him down and tell him not to contact you but that's about all they will do.
I emailed the DOC and they said either to give them the details or contact his case manager and he would be issued a cease contact order. They said you can do this at any time and for any reason as i explained I wasn't a victim of his crime and there was nothing legal in place to stop him contacting me. So I gave them the details. I hope it works.
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Old 06-27-2018, 06:36 PM
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I would have just put return to sender and sent his dumb ass a nasty go enjoy your new life letter!!!
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Old 06-27-2018, 11:25 PM
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Yep. Any letters sent, return them

REFUSED.
Dont open, dont even worry about it.
Just refuse any letter sent to you.


He'll get the message.
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Old 06-28-2018, 01:26 AM
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Originally Posted by xolady View Post
I would have just put return to sender and sent his dumb ass a nasty go enjoy your new life letter!!!
The Jpay I wrote him wasn't polite! I've written dozens of letters since that I won't send but it does help to get exactly what I think of him out and all the things I won't get to say to him.

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Yep. Any letters sent, return them

REFUSED.
Dont open, dont even worry about it.
Just refuse any letter sent to you.


He'll get the message.
I hope that I'd be able to do that, to stay strong, but thought at least trying to prevent him sending anything was worth a shot. We all have our moments of weakness.
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Old 06-28-2018, 01:51 AM
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I've had my first judgy "this is what happens when you write a man in prison and he spins you a web of lies and you believe every word". I probably didn't make it clear we weren't the MWI scenario you sadly read so often about. I knew him. From before prison. Knew who he was on the outside. Knew how he ended up in there. And I didn't rush into committing to a prison relationship. I took my time, let things play out, offered only friendship to start with. I wasn't an idiot. I knew his flaws, his weaknesses. It wasn't some fairytale I was suckered into. It's been ugly, messy and gritty at times. But I loved him. And that love grew over time. For the man I thought I knew. The only thing I didn't know was his capacity to be a liar and a cheat.

Last edited by frona; 06-28-2018 at 02:01 AM.. Reason: Spelling
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Old 06-28-2018, 05:36 AM
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I have to admit I assumed this was an MWI relationship...however, as we can see, you can be a MBI, MWI or RWI - you can be anyone, anywhere, of any age, and the risk is still there in every relationship. I personally am inclined to believe that MWI carries more risk...but it ain't always so. I have personal experience of similar scammer in the free world, albeit a much shorter relationship.

Don't pay attention to those Negative Nellies who judge you; I would think someone judgmental like that either hasn't got much life experience yet or is just incapable of compassion. To even take that step to send you a message like that...tells ya everything you need to know about that person

Keep your head up chica, you are clearly a smart girl and have great support network, so without doubt you will come out of this as the winner. I am confident in saying that most of us here understand your pain and have zero judgment, we are rooting for you
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Old 06-28-2018, 07:44 AM
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Thank you. I felt on top of it last night but woke up this morning insanely thinking if he dumps her I'll take him back. Urgh. This is the only time I've been glad I can't call him as I know I would have. And I know I would have regretted it.
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Old 06-28-2018, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by frona View Post
The Jpay I wrote him wasn't polite! I've written dozens of letters since that I won't send but it does help to get exactly what I think of him out and all the things I won't get to say to him.


I hope that I'd be able to do that, to stay strong, but thought at least trying to prevent him sending anything was worth a shot. We all have our moments of weakness.
Oh honey it takes years to get to where you can be as jaded and cynical as a lot of us are!! But I do recommend writing all your venom towards him if you never mail the letters that's fine but it's kind of cleansing to the soul. You don't just get over someone who you loved even when they do you dirty. Because even with the dirty there was love and great times. I was with mine before during and after, life comes with no guarantee's. Big huggs

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Old 06-28-2018, 08:26 AM
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Thank you x I don't think family and friends really get the prison aspect of it which is why I'm glad of the support on here. The sacrifices and compromises you make, the extra effort you put in because of the circumstances. And don't get me wrong I did it with a willing heart. In his last letter he said he was proud of me for what I did for us...what an ***hole! He sent that after he got married.
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Old 06-28-2018, 12:17 PM
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Thank you x I don't think family and friends really get the prison aspect of it which is why I'm glad of the support on here. The sacrifices and compromises you make, the extra effort you put in because of the circumstances. And don't get me wrong I did it with a willing heart. In his last letter he said he was proud of me for what I did for us...what an ***hole! He sent that after he got married.
OMG I'd really be psycho at him, but like I said I'd make him so sorry he ever f-ed up my world!!! Photo shop is a wonderful thing!!! Like I'm the get a baseball bat and wreck his brand new car kind of crazy when someone screws with me! I like to think I'm passed all that now but back when I was younger my first husband did something stupid lets just say windshields got expensive!!! I don't recommend violence but even now 25 years later I still feel good knowing he got paid back!! I have learned though breaking stuff only hurt me, scared his ass but he never took my car again!!!
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Old 06-28-2018, 12:20 PM
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xolady you crack me up sometimes -- don't you try & turn this young lady into a baseball bat swinging mad woman
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Old 06-28-2018, 12:46 PM
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Oh I have been known to lose it on occasion. And a big part of me thinks why should I let him get away with it. But I have promised to behave till the weekend at least. He doesn't realize as he's been in there so long that a screenshot on your phone can travel anywhere in the world in a split second. Not to his wife but to his family. If no-one knows he must be thinking I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to go off! I want to be the bigger person and not stoop to his level but then I think why do I have to? I owe him zero loyalty.
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Old 06-28-2018, 12:56 PM
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I'd be on his a** (butt) like white on rice! He best be glad it isnt me because he would definately pay for it.
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Old 06-28-2018, 01:35 PM
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If you ever take him back, guess what will happen again? I hope you decide that once was one time too many, and never give him the opportunity to hurt you ever again.
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Old 06-28-2018, 01:54 PM
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If you ever take him back, guess what will happen again? I hope you decide that once was one time too many, and never give him the opportunity to hurt you ever again.
Oh hell no! That was just thoughts in a weak moment. He got married behind my back...unforgivable.
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Old 06-28-2018, 10:10 PM
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I completely feel your pain. My ex did this same exact thing to me after knowing him for 30 years. He was my best friend and I told him all of my deepest darkest secrets and I felt like a complete fool. I saw no red flags either. Time heals all wounds. It took me a couple of years to heal and I know that everyone heals at different rates . Don't beat yourself up too much. Sometimes what you might think is your biggest failure might be your biggest blessing! I know that it might be hard to see right now.
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  #68  
Old 06-29-2018, 03:18 AM
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I never for a minute thought I'd be posting in this section. Less than 12 hours ago I'd have laughed if you'd have told me I'd be doing this. Boyfriend and I had our normal phone call yesterday. Nothing at all amiss. He told me how much he loved me and how much he missed me as the tablets are down so we haven't been able to message and we had a couple of days where I missed his calls. Everything was good. Really good. And less than half an hour later my world was tipped on it's head and it feels like my heart has been ripped out.

I saw and read something online purely by accident that shows he has been lying to me probably since day one. I thought I knew him. I have replayed every part of our relationship in my head. Read all his letters, cards and messages and I still can't find one red flag even knowing what I do now. There is no way back from this. Nothing he could say will make a difference. I've already sent a Jpay telling him what I know and blocked him every way I can.

I don't know why he did what he's done. It wasn't for financial gain as I rarely sent money. Was it all a joke? Was it just something for him and his buddies to laugh about? Was it because he needed the emotional support when things looked bleak and now he won his appeal I'm no longer required? I know I'm never going to get answers to these questions. In an instant the trust was gone and I'll never believe another word he says.

I'm not ready to face the humiliation of having to tell friends and family yet till I get a handle on things so I thought I'd post on here to hopefully get some support and advice as I am in total shock.

The thing I found out...he just got married to another woman. She posted a picture of them together on Facebook with their arms wrapped round each other grinning at the camera. And even on his wedding day he was calling and messaging me.

I don't have words for how I'm feeling.
I'd message the woman and tell her that she hasn't been his only. Screenshot those tablet messages and send them to her. Especially the one the day they got married. Let Karma bite him in the ass.

HOWEVER, make sure that she didn't just fake status them as married- Colorado doesn't do prison weddings. You can only get married in visiting room via self-solemnization and mailing the license back and forth (which is a legal marriage.) I don't know how he would get a ring because my husband was only able to get his once he was out in halfway house. Now that he's back in DOC due to failure to complete assignments he still has his ring.
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  #69  
Old 06-29-2018, 04:32 AM
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I'd message the woman and tell her that she hasn't been his only. Screenshot those tablet messages and send them to her. Especially the one the day they got married. Let Karma bite him in the ass.

HOWEVER, make sure that she didn't just fake status them as married- Colorado doesn't do prison weddings. You can only get married in visiting room via self-solemnization and mailing the license back and forth (which is a legal marriage.) I don't know how he would get a ring because my husband was only able to get his once he was out in halfway house. Now that he's back in DOC due to failure to complete assignments he still has his ring.
Unfortunately it's not a fake status. She's changed her surname to his and the photo announcing she got married is liked by all her family and friends including her mother. I know they weren't allowed a ceremony but the writing on her t-shirt gives it away.

As for the ring. That's a can of worms I'm too scared to open. I don't know enough about the policies of Colorado DOC about jewelry and I'm worried it's just more heartache..If that's even possible.
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Old 06-29-2018, 04:50 AM
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Unfortunately, it’s entirely possible she knows about you and doesn’t care. Not terribly likely since you weren’t padding his bankroll, but ladies can be just as unscrupulous as the men.

To the poster above... I think the legality of their marriage would be the least of my concerns. Whether he’s got a ring or not, they still present themselves as a married couple.
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Old 06-29-2018, 05:15 AM
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Unfortunately it's not a fake status. She's changed her surname to his and the photo announcing she got married is liked by all her family and friends including her mother. I know they weren't allowed a ceremony but the writing on her t-shirt gives it away.

As for the ring. That's a can of worms I'm too scared to open. I don't know enough about the policies of Colorado DOC about jewelry and I'm worried it's just more heartache..If that's even possible.
You know what F-him and the bullshit he's done your so much better then him or her!!! She's the one who's stuck now with his grimy ass!!! Mark my words he's the one who is going to regret what he's done. Eventually players and scammers get what they deserve. Who cares if it's legal or not??? You shouldn't and really it makes no difference. I just hate jerks who do this crap!!!
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Old 06-29-2018, 07:21 AM
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I'm all too well aware she could have known about me. That's a whole other level of hurt if she did. But my gut tells me she doesn't have a clue. Everything I've put together since along with the facts I do know, that I have proof of, lead me to believe she is just as much in the dark. Which is why I haven't approached her. I haven't been back on Facebook since that night and don't want to torment myself seeing anything else she posts. I know how I'm feeling so how the hell is she going to feel if she is innocent and also a victim of his games?...she's married to him! I am torn about what to do..is it ok to sit by and watch if you think she has no clue? My dad wants to message her mother, parent to parent and fill her in and let her decide what to do. To tell her daughter or not. At least then if she's innocent it would be devastating news but broken to her by someone who can support her.

The ring. Oh boy. That would be a whole new thread just on it's own. Jaws would drop! But I'd need someone who knew the rules for Colorado DOC to confirm what I fear. My head can't cope with that just now.

Everyone on here, you've all been great and so supportive and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I know people have been as appalled about his behavior as me and you only know the tip of the iceberg as far as what I've learned this week. I can't thank you all enough as I seriously feel like I'm losing my mind with all this. This is probably the lowest I've ever felt and that is saying something.

I know I have a soft nature and a big heart, that I'm loyal and supportive. And I refuse to look at these qualities as weaknesses despite going through this. Because these qualities will mean that one day someone will think they are lucky to have me and will treat me right. I promise this...this is my one and only prison relationship.
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Old 06-29-2018, 07:35 AM
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OMG there's more??????
I get how you feel, been there as well before and it's gut-wrenching. And even though this sounds stupid now, time will heal your wounds, some faster than others but you will feel hurt for awhile.
This litte family on here are all in with you in this because we all know it can happen to a anyone of us at any time. Mostly with regards to MWIs because how well do we really know our guy and what is there to expect once released? We have no clue.
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Old 06-29-2018, 08:11 AM
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OMG there's more??????
I get how you feel, been there as well before and it's gut-wrenching. And even though this sounds stupid now, time will heal your wounds, some faster than others but you will feel hurt for awhile.
This litte family on here are all in with you in this because we all know it can happen to a anyone of us at any time. Mostly with regards to MWIs because how well do we really know our guy and what is there to expect once released? We have no clue.
Thank you. Every kind comment makes me cry as you are all giving me the reassurance I need right now. I fear there is a lot more that will come out and I'll learn. He mentioned her a couple of months ago. Family friend, he was close to all her family, she was a single mother.He said she was now dating a friend of his and that it was getting serious and they were thinking of getting married..of course I now know there was no friend it was him. And she doesn't have kids. And she lives in California which is where he'd proposed we'd move to when he got out. Would have been cozy..me, him and his wife.
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Old 06-29-2018, 08:15 AM
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I'm all too well aware she could have known about me. That's a whole other level of hurt if she did. But my gut tells me she doesn't have a clue.

I know how I'm feeling so how the hell is she going to feel if she is innocent and also a victim of his games?...she's married to him! I am torn about what to do..is it ok to sit by and watch if you think she has no clue? My dad wants to message her mother, parent to parent and fill her in and let her decide what to do. To tell her daughter or not. At least then if she's innocent it would be devastating news but broken to her by someone who can support her.
This is just me speculating and of course you know the facts - but when you mentioned earlier that you know his family and vice versa, I assume they also knew about the nature of your relationship with him? You also said you knew about her, the "family friend" - all this made me think that maybe she & the family did know about you all along. This guy seems so manipulative and capable of anything, that who's to say he doesn't have multiple women he's talking to and accepting a small amount of money from here and there...that would come up to quite a bit if there are many women being conned. I've seen some ladies on here posting a couple of times that they are okay with their guy taking money from pen pals on false pretences, so people like this unfortunately exist. I know it sounds extreme and I apologize for this speculation...I know it doesn't change anything and is pointless...but since we're still discussing this

I don't think anyone can tell you whether or not you should approach her or let your dad approach her parents. I never contacted my ex's girlfriend when I found out he was cheating on her with me years and years ago... However, I've since thought about the fact that if I was being cheated on I would definitely want to know. Even if it would kill me, I would want to know because in the end it would save me from more heartache down the road. If indeed she's unaware of you and his cheating, they've just married and she could possibly still annul the marriage (I assume).

Of course then there is this; we all have our path in this life and it isn't really your responsibility to do anything if you feel uncomfortable about it...just make sure you heal and take care of yourself.
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