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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 08-10-2018, 07:42 AM
RaeLR RaeLR is offline
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I love, love, love my LWOP man but I made the decision today to end the relationship. The issue seems small but it isn't. He is very macho and tends to bite my head off when we disagree over something. He did it this week and I told him that when he treated me like that, he shut down my spirit. I said that my feelings needed to be validated. He refused to do that and basically told me it was his way or the highway. I love him, but I love me, too. I am willing to make a lot of sacrifices for this relationship (it is heart wrenching to love someone who is likely to never get out of prison), but I will not be the woman who "loves him no matter what." Respect and validation are necessary for any relationship to be healthy and I'm not sure to what extent a LWOP relationship can truly be healthy. In some ways it has felt like having a vampire feed off me because so much goes into supporting him and getting him through dark days. It's like I offer him my wrist and he feeds just enough to weaken me, but not kill me. He said one time that he wanted a woman to mess with, I told him he needed a woman to love him. I think he meant what he said and I just refused to believe it. I am returning to the free world to focus on my own life. I have the deepest respect for women who can make prison love work. I am waving the white flag.
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  #2  
Old 08-10-2018, 07:45 AM
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You did good, you did the right thing. You have to feel good and happy within a relationship and not just be play-doo (or what's that stuff) to make it comfortable for him.
It's sad that it has to be only his way and no other way... if you'd ask me, you did the right thing.
Hang in there & stay strong!
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Old 08-10-2018, 08:36 AM
RaeLR RaeLR is offline
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Thank you! There are going to be some tough days ahead detaching myself but I will get through it. I am writing a book about the need for prison reform and I will continue to fight for him and others who are being dehumanized by this system. I wished him all the best and told him that I would never quit fighting for him. But that is as far as I go now. In my view, a man needs to put his woman first and foremost, above the ego and the selfishness. If he cannot make her feel like a Queen, she should be gone. I know what I brought to the table...
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Old 08-10-2018, 11:12 AM
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I applaud your strength and conviction.

You teach people how to treat you. If you allow someone to bully you then they are encouraged to bully you. If you require that you get the basic respect that you deserve then they they will respect you. But you have to have the strength and conviction to walk away if that person is unable to treat you the way you need to be treated.

This isn't just for prison relationships but for life in general.

I too have deep respect for women who can make a prison relationship work but only if that relationship is healthy. Allowing yourself to be demeaned and abused, even if it is only verbal, is not healthy.

You shouldn't consider it a surrender. The only person that you can control is you. I would consider it a victory if you can separate yourself from this bad situation and move on.

R. Mc.
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  #5  
Old 08-10-2018, 11:29 AM
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You are so right with your wisdom. I found this saying today: "The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away." It is my firm belief that any man inside should be very humble and grateful for the love he gets from a woman in the free world because the sacrifices she is making for him go far beyond money and time. People judge her for picking a "criminal" and she probably has lost friendships and/or support because of her choice. She does life alone and has to figure out how to care for him as well as herself. No matter how much he encourages her, he is not there to physically help her deal with car problems, kids, home repairs, etc. If that man cops any kind of an attitude at all in his dealings with her, walk away. He cannot determine your story...
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Old 08-10-2018, 11:49 AM
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Good luck to you and much respect for looking after yourself in a way many women never do.
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Old 08-10-2018, 12:31 PM
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Here's a good one: "She promised herself better and never looked back."
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:16 PM
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Your issue don't seem small to me in any way. That isn't the way U should be treated girl. My man pretty "macho" but he don't bite my head off nope
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:24 PM
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Lots of love to you. You have done the right thing totally if you are feeling that it’s not right. It’s hard enough being a LWOP partner, you must feel it’s as right for you as possible. I just want to come on & send my love to you and applaud your strength & dignity xxx
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Old 08-10-2018, 07:49 PM
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You have a lot of wisdom! Best of luck to you, I hope you stick around and share your experience with others.
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Old 08-10-2018, 10:53 PM
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Hi there, I just want to say that I am so sorry for the hurt you must be feeling at this time. In my opinion, you have done the right thing for yourself. I understand that it must be hard and wish you nothing but the best. Sometimes these men....they just don't get it We all deserve nothing but respect and have our feelings validated. Stay strong and my thoughts are with you.
Shelby,
XXXX
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Old 08-10-2018, 11:23 PM
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Hi RaeLR


This action is in no way a white flag of surrender, but instead a rock of resilience!



I love your quote "The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away." You are someone of worth and value and don't have to prove it to anyone.



On those days where it really hurts and you think going back might be an answer, just remember how much you are worth and this action of staying away is about valuing you and giving the world what you were born to be!


Go well! You are awesome!
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Old 08-11-2018, 01:35 AM
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Biting your head off is abuse. When he says he wants a woman to mess with, I think he means he wants a woman to emotionally abuse. Sounds like he’s caught in the “macho man” mindset in which a man is a “real man” if he can show a woman “who the boss is” in a relationship. Thank goodness he’s likely never getting out; I wonder if his crime was a violent crime .... the last thing you need is his garbage.
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Old 08-11-2018, 06:49 AM
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I'd agree that this is no surrender.
(white flag)
Its a victory.


(my way or the highway?????? lol. Most roads are two way streets)
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Old 08-11-2018, 04:03 PM
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This is a tough day but I expected that. Letting go of someone is a painful process but I just keep telling myself that, in a few months, I'll be in a more peaceful place. I made a vow to myself a long time ago that I would walk anytime someone mistreated me because I am a high-value woman. I will live up to that vow because the alternative is so much worse. A little pain now and then a new life or a lifetime of geing abused. I choose to walk it out.
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Old 08-11-2018, 05:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RaeLR View Post
This is a tough day but I expected that. Letting go of someone is a painful process but I just keep telling myself that, in a few months, I'll be in a more peaceful place. I made a vow to myself a long time ago that I would walk anytime someone mistreated me because I am a high-value woman. I will live up to that vow because the alternative is so much worse. A little pain now and then a new life or a lifetime of geing abused. I choose to walk it out.
Take it from me stick to your vow. Many times I have given angry men a second third or sometimes so many chances I couldn’t remember. You are a woman of value and you have to be able to trust it to protect yourself. I let myself down many times and paid the price, it’s not worth it. Stay strong feeling bad is normal it’s a process and you will gain strength and wisdom from it.
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Old 08-11-2018, 05:20 PM
RaeLR RaeLR is offline
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Thank you for the encouragement. I am very determined to get through this and move on. There was no option that was healthy and I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and respect what I see. This part sucks and I am being very kind to myself right now. Spending the evening with friends, so that will help. The truth is, he really lost more than I did. I have the ability out here to fill in the gaps of my life and the hope of meeting someone wonderful. He will be in there forever and will never find a decent woman if he continues to act the way he does. I am wishing him all the best, though....
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