Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Adult Children and Siblings of Inmates
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Adult Children and Siblings of Inmates For Adult Children, brothers and sisters of prisoners

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-01-2009, 10:39 AM
michaelsluvd1 michaelsluvd1 is offline
Hoping 4 a better future
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: iowa USA
Posts: 37
Thanks: 1
Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts
Default Was getting easier but then....

I was starting to feel better and more comfortable about my brother's situation after getting to see him (via television) on Friday and from the help through this forum. Then last night I had one nightmare after another about my brother. I woke up feeling like the first day all over again. I started worrying about things I never even thought about before. I thought my heart was starting to mend and my life getting easier to embrace.

Some friends of mine invited my husband and I to a small 'dinner party' last night and I got home feeling refreshed and vented. Could I have let myself get too relaxed? Is this my conscience punishing me for not being home worrying about my brother? I'd blame the alcohol..if there was any .

Here we go again.....
__________________





No one dies a virgin...life screws us all.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 03-01-2009, 12:52 PM
socal mom socal mom is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: southern California
Posts: 965
Thanks: 73
Thanked 725 Times in 331 Posts
Default

I don't believe your conscience is punishing you, rather that you probably had more excitement than usual and you weren't totally relaxed at bed time. I think it is great that you were able to get out and have a little enjoyment - no need to stay home and worry all the time, it won't make anything different. Best of Luck to you all.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-08-2017, 11:04 PM
Motherkel Motherkel is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 5
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Default

I completely understand! It's like when I relax a little, I feel guilty for not worrying!! We( family) absolutely serve every day they do. Bless your heart, I feel you. Sorry for your pain
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-17-2017, 08:52 PM
GingerM's Avatar
GingerM GingerM is online now
Site Moderator

PTO Site Moderator Staff Superstar Award 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Oregon, Left Coast USA
Posts: 4,045
Thanks: 3,638
Thanked 4,652 Times in 2,008 Posts
Default

My Dad died of lung cancer while incarcerated 2 1/2 years ago, and I still have nightmares about him. It usually happens when I've gone for a long period of time without thinking about him at all.

It's like all the trauma and fear and concern that I had for him has hard-wired into my brain, so if I don't worry about him (yes, even though he's not even alive anymore), my brain gives me dreams at night to remind me.

All I can say is "this, too, shall pass." One day you'll not worry about him at all and the next morning you'll get up and feel horribly guilty about having a life. I realized, when my Dad was in hospice and made me promise him while he was dying to "take care of the guys" (4 friends he'd made while in prison), that while I was at home worried sick about him, he was playing cribbage and making friends.

I think your dream was just a way for your brain to try to sort out the worry. About a month ago, I dreamed that my Dad's Mother (who was my favorite grandparent) was furious and screaming at me, demanding to know what I'd don't with my Dad (her favorite child, and she made no excuses for it).

Unfortunately, this new life is now your life, and it comes with new experiences that your brain will have to sort out at some time. Seems like it chose the night of the party to do a little work in that area.

I hope you're doing better now (I realize I'm a bit late to the post).
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to GingerM For This Useful Post:
onparoleinTO (03-18-2017)
  #5  
Old 04-02-2017, 07:03 PM
AR1234 AR1234 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Oklahoma, USA
Posts: 19
Thanks: 9
Thanked 36 Times in 14 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by michaelsluvd1 View Post
I was starting to feel better and more comfortable about my brother's situation after getting to see him (via television) on Friday and from the help through this forum. Then last night I had one nightmare after another about my brother. I woke up feeling like the first day all over again. I started worrying about things I never even thought about before. I thought my heart was starting to mend and my life getting easier to embrace.

Some friends of mine invited my husband and I to a small 'dinner party' last night and I got home feeling refreshed and vented. Could I have let myself get too relaxed? Is this my conscience punishing me for not being home worrying about my brother? I'd blame the alcohol..if there was any .

Here we go again.....
I struggle with this to. I feel like if my thoughts aren't revolving around my dad I'm doing something wrong. Almost like I feel guilty for being happy when he isn't. But my dad always says and I'm sure its the same with your brother... the one thing that makes it easier on them is us living our lives and being happy. It would only make them feel worse if their actions caused us to lose our lives and be depressed... they do not want that for us.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to AR1234 For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (04-03-2017)
  #6  
Old 04-02-2017, 09:03 PM
GingerM's Avatar
GingerM GingerM is online now
Site Moderator

PTO Site Moderator Staff Superstar Award 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Oregon, Left Coast USA
Posts: 4,045
Thanks: 3,638
Thanked 4,652 Times in 2,008 Posts
Default

Quote:
I feel like if my thoughts aren't revolving around my dad I'm doing something wrong. Almost like I feel guilty for being happy when he isn't.
When my Dad was dying, he made me promise him to take care of "the guys" (4 other inmates he was friends with). It's interesting in that I get to have a peak inside their thought patterns, which they'll share with me because I'm not 'family' yet due to their friendship with my Dad, they feel I'm pseudo-family.

Here's what I was most startled by: while I was outside feeling terrible about being happy when I "knew" my Dad wasn't happy at all, he was inside making friends, learning new card games, working out, and laughing. While I was outside being miserable about him being inside.

Guilt is a great emotion for reminding you when you're not living up to your own expectations of yourself. But it can be skewed in situations like these so that your brain tells you you should feel guilty, even though you have exactly zero control over the situation.

That said, dreams are horrible things to remind us of what we went through. They are also our brain's way of trying to work out problems. It's been nearly 3 years since my Dad died, and nearly 6 since he was arrested. About a month ago, I had a nightmare about him being in prison. Now, instead of going to insta-worry-guilt, I ask myself what the underlying theme of the dream is to help identify what it is I need to work out. In my Dad's case, it was fear of how many other family members judge me because I still supported/visited/maintained a relationship with my Dad, even while his own brother called him "evil." Since I'm the only person in my family still speaking to all the other members of my family, I get to hear things like "Your Dad was evil." And I get to try to sort that out.

So yes, remember your Dad, keep him in your thoughts, but try to let go of some of the guilt. Your being unhappy will not make him happy (as you pointed out). His being happy or making friends inside will not make you happy. Happiness is not finite - it's not like if I'm happy, someone somewhere else loses some of their happiness. You can enjoy yourself now and then. As long as you stay true to yourself and your relationship with him, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Do the best you can with the tools you have. If you can honestly say that you're doing that, then there is, quite literally, nothing more you can do. (Took me forever, it felt like, to figure that out).
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to GingerM For This Useful Post:
onparoleinTO (04-03-2017)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:22 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics