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  #1  
Old 03-26-2018, 11:45 AM
victorluvzamy victorluvzamy is offline
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Default Need advice: fiancée's addiction/relapses

Need some help, opinions, or some advice. My fiance keeps relapsing on Meth and crack about every month and a half. She has 10 months left of her parole. She gets very violent when she's using and is currently locked up in the county jail on a parole hold. This is her third assault on me and she's had a dirty U. A. in the two and a half years she's been out on parole.
I guess my question is will she stop using on her own? Maybe mature out of this? She's 36 and claims that I'm actually lucky because she's not a daily user like when I first met her. She refuses any help or rehabilitation centers. She says she's been there and those places have no affect on her. Any input is greatly appreciated. I don't use drugs. I don't have a record. I was just trying to help her and fell in love. I believe she's my soulmate but I don't know how much more of this I can take. Thank you
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Old 03-26-2018, 02:56 PM
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Hi - I gave you your own thread as I think you'll be able to get better advice this way

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. My personal opinion is that you just don't know whether or not she'll ever get clean, and you certainly cannot influence it in any way...it needs to start with her. If she is adamant about refusing help, and doesn't appear to see a huge problem - I do not think it looks very good right now. Some people stop eventually, some never do. There's no helping someone who doesn't want help. I feel for you..it's a tough road.

I hope you are going to Al-Anon meetings for your own sake?
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Old 03-26-2018, 03:06 PM
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I agree with going to Al-anon. She is not ready to stop and making excuses to justify the behavior. She needs to hit rock bottom and decide she wants more or better.

You cannot do it for her no matter how much it hurts. Look up the book Co-dependent no more. It may help you wrap your begin around everything.

She needs a program, therapy and coping skills. It will be meaningless though unless she wants it.
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Old 03-26-2018, 04:04 PM
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I'll be blunt. Since she refuses to stop using, and to get outside help for her cravings with the PO hammer over her head, she will probably continue when the possibility of going back to prison for one dirty test is removed. The only way she will get clean is if she decides she really does, and nothing that you, or anyone else says will matter.

Since she is violent when she uses, you need to protect yourself and be safe.
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Old 03-26-2018, 05:19 PM
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She's 36 and doesn't want help?? She probably wint ever stop unless she goes to a rehab. Sorry
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Old 03-26-2018, 05:27 PM
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Get out. Just get out. This isn't going to be affected by anything you do or say or think or hope. She's an addict, pure and simple, and that means chaos, anger, depression, vilolence and probably, theft.

She's got just about no chance of 'aging out' or quitting on her own. Fewer than 10% do on any given stint in rehab.

You have to understand that she loves nothing more than the drugs she's addicted to. Definitely not you, painful though that is. So, for your own sanity, get away from her completely. For one thing, you can get your perspective back, and for another, that might be something that helps her hit bottom, though some people never do.

I say all this as the sister of two addicts, ex-wife of one, and now 70 years old, and too old to give another addict another chance to destroy my sanity.
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Old 03-26-2018, 08:03 PM
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Thank you all for your input. These are things I don't wanna hear or read but I know in my heart that it is so. Thanks again all.
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Old 03-27-2018, 06:30 AM
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Agree with what everyone has said here.
And I really really hope you take in a few naranon meetings or even alanon. Do this FOR YOU. Not her.
It will help you.

Im sorry. Been there done that.
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Old 03-27-2018, 08:13 AM
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I don't think she will stop until she's good and sick of her shitty life. Even people who stop for years go back basically because they never got sick enough of the life. I did and I never want to wake up in jail, a motel, a strange place or hospital not remembering anything except I was on a mission to get fucked up. I still have my mind thank god but I literally had to lose everything I loved to want to live and believe me at times it would have been easier to die!! So no she's never gonna change until she wants it more then she wants what she still craves. I have friends from back in the day and those of us who survived our drug years came out hard core realists. AA, NA were a joke to us because it was a good place to score a new connection. If your not into drugs then stay the hell away from her toxic violent behavior.
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Old 03-27-2018, 10:19 AM
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I don't think she will stop until she's good and sick of her shitty life. Even people who stop for years go back basically because they never got sick enough of the life. I did and I never want to wake up in jail, a motel, a strange place or hospital not remembering anything except I was on a mission to get fucked up. I still have my mind thank god but I literally had to lose everything I loved to want to live and believe me at times it would have been easier to die!! So no she's never gonna change until she wants it more then she wants what she still craves. I have friends from back in the day and those of us who survived our drug years came out hard core realists. AA, NA were a joke to us because it was a good place to score a new connection. If your not into drugs then stay the hell away from her toxic violent behavior.
Hey guys, the following post is copied from one my other forums. Please read it and tell me what you think. Starts here >>>>--- Real Checker -->>> It's not my intention to negate the good advice others have given you, but I want to add that in my experience it is better to assume people will change and do those things they claim they will. If she says she found God and wants to live a wholesome lifestyle free of drugs, then it is your job to not only believe her but to also approach it with genuine enthusiasm. That is if you really love her. Will she fail? Who knows, but when you love someone you hang by their side through thick and thin and help them in their endeavors. You don't cast doubt or insert negativity on their abilities, sincerity, or desires.

An example would be my own wife. She has cerebral palsy which adversely effects her mobility and balance. She cannot ride a bicycle, yet she wanted to ride a motorcycle like I do. I bought her a 3 wheeler and taught her to ride. Now she has a motorcycle endorsement on her license with no restrictions. To this day she's logged over 20,000 miles on it. When you love someone you let THEM set their own limitations, you don't set their limitations for them with doubt and negativity.

You might think that is not the same thing as someone wanting to change their life by leaving drugs behind and living a Godly life. But you would be wrong because the principal of support is the same. The seed of meaningful change has been planted, so step up and nurture it. Forgo the statistics and negativity and focus on her goals. If she stumbles or their is failure at some future date, save it for the future. The present is not the time for dealing with what has not happened yet. I hope this make sense to you because I believe it is very important to those desiring change. When people have confidence in us, that is when we overcome and become our best.
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Old 03-27-2018, 10:45 AM
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Dude, there's a lot of difference between learning something difficult and changing actual behavior that is based on mental disease or disorder where the person does not seek change.

I wrote a longer post that got eaten, but you have two intertwined problems: she's got an addiction, and she's abusing you. Let's get this straight from the get go:

Men can be victims of domestic violence
Men do not deserve to be abused.
You did not cause your abuse.

She has apparently beaten you so bad that it has come to the attention of authorities at least 3 times. She is blaming her addiction on the reason for her abuse. wrong! Getting f**ked up might allow her to do what she wants to do, but that abuse and the abuse cycle is there.

Here's what you need to do: you need to start working on yourself. Go to AlAnon. It will teach you about loving a person with an addiction, what you do to enable them, what your rights are, and how to love them and not enable that addiction.

You also need some domestic violence counseling. Men are victims of domestic violence. You don't deserve to be a victim of domestic violence. And you are in a bind because you cannot fight back - men don't hit women, right? Tell them she's in jail for assaulting you, and that it's the third time. Tell them that you need domestic violence counseling to deal with being a victim of domestic violence. Find an AlAnon meeting, find a domestic violence counselor. Start working on yourself.

She's not going to change. It's all lip service.

Look, I can pray that with the aid of God, I can become an astronaut and work for NASA. It won't happen with simple prayer. I cannot sit at home and pray and expect that NASA comes to my door.

I can start taking a course of study that will allow me to work for NASA should an opening in legal come up. What am I doing? I have a goal, an intention, and I plan out my course of study and work to get there. The Bible teaches us that you reap what you sow. What's that mean? You actually have to do the work - sow some seeds; plant, water, weed, and grow a crop- in order to have a crop to sow. Pray all you want, but if you don't also sow, you are not going to reap.

Same thing happens with change - you need to actually do the work. Absent doing the work, there will be no change.

Age won't do it. The difference between an addict and somebody out partying in high school or college is that by the age of 36, they aren't out partying and getting totally f**ked up and then blaming bad behavior on inebriation. I know this from experience; my brother is now 51. He hasn't changed. He has no desire to change.

Here's what happens with my brother every time he runs afoul of the law; he says he's going to change. He goes to rehab. He goes to meetings. He does everything the courts tell him to do right up until the courts get off his back. Then, he skips out on rehab, drops meetings and goes back to drinking and drugging. Hell, if he gets a long enough stint in prison, he's drugging and drinking there as well. He says everything his counselor wants to hear, and he never shows up to court or his counselor (or on the outside, his probation or parole officer), but the entire time, he's drinking and drugging and leading the life of an addict, because that's what he is.

He's also a very abusive asshat. As a result, he's on his third marriage. It takes the wome he chooses a little over 10 years to get out, but the story is the same, and the same I experienced growing up. He drinks, he drugs, he abuses. When he's "sober", he apologizes and is the sweet guy they met and married, but then the pressure builds and boom - they get punched repeatedly in the gut, tripped when they are walking somewhere in the house, and blamed for making him lash out when he was high - they should know better. And it only gets worse.

Do you know what I call people like my brother and your girl? What my entire profession calls people like my brother and your girl? Job security.

If you don't want to be on the punching bag end of this, you need to start working on yourself. Get to AlAnon - it's free. Find a meeting that works for you. Get to domestic violence counseling. Find out about the cycle of abuse.

When it comes to her actually changing? She has to actually want the change, and she actually has to do the work. You can't jump up and down trying to help her change - that's just enabling her to slide back, get high, and beat the crap out of you. You need to approach any change that she says she's going to make circumspectly. What is SHE doing to actually change? If it's just lip service, she's not changing, she's manipulating and addicts are great at lying and manipulating.

This isn't a disabled person riding a motorcycle. This is very different. You need to learn and get outside support as you deal with everything. Domestic violence counseling and AlAnon. Work on you. You are in control of your own change, and how you respond to her. Learn how to respond to her and not the cycle of violence in domestic abuse, and addiction.
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Old 03-27-2018, 10:57 AM
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Unbelievable. First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my post. Secondly, thank you for your eye opening response. I appreciate you as a stranger helping me. I think I will quit looking for excuses or reasons to keep myself down. I guess I was wanting the impossible miracle. Maybe expecting it knowing it isn't coming... Thank you again.
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Old 03-27-2018, 11:14 AM
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Yourself?

That was one your best ever posts!

Clear, to the point and sadly, very, very true.
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Old 03-27-2018, 11:23 AM
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Yourself?

That was one your best ever posts!

Clear, to the point and sadly, very, very true.
Life and perspective changing...... I keep reading it over and over and it has me in deep thought. Deep thought because itmakes too much sense. Thank you all for existing and for your support.
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Old 03-27-2018, 01:18 PM
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This has been very difficult. I'm not of that world. So I guess in my mind, when someone tells me they want to change and not be what they are.... I relunctly believe them.

I don't have a problem changing anything about myself if my partner asks. But of course it may be only piddly habits like chew with my mouth closed.... Pay more attention to het.. Change the way I dress, etc.

I guess in my mind that's not addicted, I figure if I can easily adapt or make adjustments, then why can't everyone else? It's struggle I deal with every day because I'm simple. She constantly tells me it's either black or white with me. No inbetween or grey area.

(._. )
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Old 03-27-2018, 07:57 PM
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It doesn't matter what she says. What she does is what shows you who she is. All she's doing is trying to keep the upper hand and mentally take you down...that's why you have to leave.
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Old 03-27-2018, 08:00 PM
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It doesn't matter what she says. What she does is what shows you who she is. All she's doing is trying to keep the upper hand and mentally take you down...that's why you have to leave.
I understand. At this point many things are becoming more clear. Thanks a bunch
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Old 03-28-2018, 07:38 AM
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I want to link you to another thread, in the Domestic Violence forum - it's titled Domestic Abuse by Women. Click that link and you'll get it.
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Old 03-28-2018, 07:53 AM
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This has been very difficult. I'm not of that world. So I guess in my mind, when someone tells me they want to change and not be what they are.... I relunctly believe them.

I don't have a problem changing anything about myself if my partner asks. But of course it may be only piddly habits like chew with my mouth closed.... Pay more attention to het.. Change the way I dress, etc.

I guess in my mind that's not addicted, I figure if I can easily adapt or make adjustments, then why can't everyone else? It's struggle I deal with every day because I'm simple. She constantly tells me it's either black or white with me. No inbetween or grey area.

(._. )
Why would you need to change for someone? That in it's self is a problem and will continue to attract a certain type of mate. Dominate controlling personalities target malleable people they make easy targets which is what abusers look for generally. Domestic violence is such a mind blowing thing when your a victim it starts out so subtle so you don't even notice it's happening. Please get some help, and don't believe she will change she won't but she will lie to get her way and use you till you stop allowing it.
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Old 03-28-2018, 08:08 AM
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Why would you need to change for someone? That in it's self is a problem and will continue to attract a certain type of mate. Dominate controlling personalities target malleable people they make easy targets which is what abusers look for generally. Domestic violence is such a mind blowing thing when your a victim it starts out so subtle so you don't even notice it's happening. Please get some help, and don't believe she will change she won't but she will lie to get her way and use you till you stop allowing it.
What's your opinion on TDCJ I.S.F. program? That's more than likely where she's going. East Texas Facility.
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Old 03-28-2018, 08:39 AM
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What's your opinion on TDCJ I.S.F. program? That's more than likely where she's going. East Texas Facility.
I don't know anything about the programs that they have I have first hand addict experience, and have been a victim of domestic violence. Being a drug addict I can tell you honestly I'd been thru about 4-5 different programs successfully completed all only to go right back to drugs. I just learned ways of hiding things better, got slicker, got better connections. I had to want to stop and until my whole world fell apart I didn't want to. You aren't getting what everyone is telling you she's going to say and do anything to come back to you. But the one fundamental thing that won't change is her behavior when she is out. I no longer do cocaine but I still have that addictive personality. I binge on other stuff now whether its eating or cleaning or shopping. I just channel my addictive way's into healthier things. For a while I lived close to a Casino I would walk there with ten dollars and play till I ran out of money. Sometimes I'd be winning and I just couldn't leave till I was broke that's addict behavior. I know this about myself so that's why I'd only walk there and only bring $10. I could give you a million examples of stuff like this that I do or have done does it mean anything no because it only show me that I can turn anything into an addiction. Heath nuts who exercise or runners get those same feelings but no one ever say's it's bad for them. Addicts get those feeling and go to just about any lengths to get drugs so they have those feelings. So unless you want to be on this merry go round of addiction and prison and treatment for life move on. Some people do just finally grow up and stop the bullshit but my own feelings aside I've never seen a meth addict get clean and stay clean and I am 55yrs old. I never did meth because I did cocaine and meth wasn't really available where I lived but I've met a ton of them and they don't change.
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Old 03-28-2018, 09:02 AM
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Thank you. I do understand what everyone is telling me. I'm just tangled in a mess here. Separating will be difficult. We have all of our personal items together. When we started calling each other 'engaged' awhile back, we've acquired two new vehicles and a lease on a very nice home and several other debts all in BOTH our names.

I'd have to refinance vehicles to get her off of them, redo our lease. Close credit card accounts, etc... So we're attached real good at the moment. Red tape.

And we have all this when she was first showing improvement and the future was looking great.

In October 2016 her usage got really bad to the point where I lost my job. I have a really good, rewarding career as an Inspector for petroleum refineries here in South Texas. (18 years). Well I lost that job when she would stay up for 6 to 12 days straight binging. She would keep me up with her. Therefore tardiness and missing days at work was not tolerable and I lost it. I am currently unemployed at the moment because word got out that I wasn't reliable. In my industry word of mouth reputation is the key.

So I know that staying with her will eventually doom me. I'm stuck between missing her sober and trying to sort out our combined finances, responsibilities, etc.

Thank you again for your input. I'm still taking all this in.
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Old 03-28-2018, 02:52 PM
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Dude, money is money.

Divorce lawyers have to separate out the finances of people who've had their finances legally entwined for 20, 30, 40, 50 years, and they do it. They do it easily because they are not emotionally entangled with those finances.

Here's what you do: get help. Get a CPA, a family lawyer, a friend with a good head for money, and get help taking care of it. Do one day a eek until you get it done. Box up her stuff and rent a storage locker for 6 months in her name and wash your hands of it.

Being "engaged" is part of the shtick. It is a manipulation to reel you in so far that you're willing to burn an 18 year career taking care of her rather than going to your job and taking care of yourself. It also makes you feel so vested in her that you are willing to forgive that sort of conduct, and worse, the conduct that leaves bruises and that is criminal domestic battery.

Let's start simply: put all of her personal possessions in one room. Put all of your "co-owned" possessions in another room, and all of your possessions in your bedroom. Leave the dining room table for paperwork because that's all it is is paperwork.

Call some friends, the ones you've been blowing off because she's been so needy and doesn't like them. Call you brother or your sister. Re-establish connections with them. Suck up a little pride and tell at least one of those people you need help and why - she's in jail because she beat you. She's an addict, and an abuser. You need help.

These are the things you need help with:

1. A friend to go with you to Alanon.
(Chances are, you have more than one friend who already goes, or who goes to AA, so it will be a wonderful gift for them to help you go to a meeting, discus your experiences, and get you there repeatedly. Trust me - more people than you ever thought possible go to those meetings)

2. Getting. Adomestic violence counselor.
You have somebody in your life who does therapy, or has done thereapy, whether for DV or something else. That person can sit with you and help you figure out how to interview potential therapists, and then help you chew over which therapist you want to help you with your abuse issues.

3. Get a CPA/family lawyer/or friend good with money to help you disentangle yourself from her financially.
Make sure you have plenty of coffee and donuts ready, and spend a morning once a week, maybe Saturday, before golf or a game on tv or after fishing, and get help with organizing first. Collect a list of institutions, phone numbers, penalties, and anything else - like safe deposit boxes - that you need to place in your name only or get your name off of. And slowly work on it. Don't tackle the whole thing at once - use your support system and tackle it as you can.

4. Get a storage shed and some help to move her stuff to it.
I find pizza and beer is a great additional incentive for "free" labor. Once that room is full of her stuff, it's just a matter of moving it. You can even get friends to help you put her stuff in that room in preparation for moving to a storage shed.

Have a plan for dealing with drugs and drug paraphernalia. Your Alanon friend can help you with that one. It gets chucked since it is illegal.

Look - your friends and family are waiting and hoping that you come back into their lives in a meaningful way. It is a blessing and it feels good when you are able to help somebody, and they will gain that blessing and good feeling when they help you. Suck up your pride a bit - your pride is standing in the way of friends and family doing what they do best - supporting and helping somebody they love. You would not turn your back on a friend who came to you, telling you he had to break up with his wife/fiancée/girlfriend because she was a meth addict who not only cost their career, but beat them - would you? Give them a chance to rise to the occasion and help you.

The other thing to consider is that your reputation will take a positive turn if it gets back to the industry through unofficial channels that the reason for your lack of reliability suddenly, after 18 good years, is now out of the house.

The other big thing to think about is that if there's a domestic violence charge, there's also an order of protection. If she's contacting you in any way, she's violating that court order. In other words, she has such contempt for the courts that she is not willing to follow that one simple rule. It is more important for her to play you and make sure you are still there, with your money, your house, your cars.

Will she change? Dunno. she is not trying to right now. She has such little regard for you that she cost you her career. I'd say that you need to stay away from each other, each doing your own work for at least a year before you even consider contacting each other.

Btw, every county joint I've ever seen has AA and NA meetings weekly. If she's not doing those, she's not ready to quit. There are usually batterers classes at county joints, and if she's not doing that, she's not ready to quit abusing you. If she's relying solely on the court to order her to treatment and getting through treatment to be done with the courts, she's playing herself. She's not ready to quit. If she were really ready to quit, and she were really ready to deal with the abuse, she'd be taking advantage of every program available in jail, with plans for prison and beyond prison. She would be encouraging you to get help. She would own her addiction rather than holding her addiction out as the sole reason that there's difficulty, and blaming her addiction for everything.

Remember, look at what they do. What they say is meaningless unless it is backed up by action.
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Old 03-28-2018, 02:58 PM
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Victor, you know you can count on yourself. You know you can't count on her. So start repairing your reputation ASAP. Whatever it takes and regardless of whether or not she objects. You can, so do.
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Old 03-28-2018, 04:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yourself View Post
Dude, money is money.

Divorce lawyers have to separate out the finances of people who've had their finances legally entwined for 20, 30, 40, 50 years, and they do it. They do it easily because they are not emotionally entangled with those finances.

Here's what you do: get help. Get a CPA, a family lawyer, a friend with a good head for money, and get help taking care of it. Do one day a eek until you get it done. Box up her stuff and rent a storage locker for 6 months in her name and wash your hands of it.

Being "engaged" is part of the shtick. It is a manipulation to reel you in so far that you're willing to burn an 18 year career taking care of her rather than going to your job and taking care of yourself. It also makes you feel so vested in her that you are willing to forgive that sort of conduct, and worse, the conduct that leaves bruises and that is criminal domestic battery.

Let's start simply: put all of her personal possessions in one room. Put all of your "co-owned" possessions in another room, and all of your possessions in your bedroom. Leave the dining room table for paperwork because that's all it is is paperwork.

Call some friends, the ones you've been blowing off because she's been so needy and doesn't like them. Call you brother or your sister. Re-establish connections with them. Suck up a little pride and tell at least one of those people you need help and why - she's in jail because she beat you. She's an addict, and an abuser. You need help.

These are the things you need help with:

1. A friend to go with you to Alanon.
(Chances are, you have more than one friend who already goes, or who goes to AA, so it will be a wonderful gift for them to help you go to a meeting, discus your experiences, and get you there repeatedly. Trust me - more people than you ever thought possible go to those meetings)

2. Getting. Adomestic violence counselor.
You have somebody in your life who does therapy, or has done thereapy, whether for DV or something else. That person can sit with you and help you figure out how to interview potential therapists, and then help you chew over which therapist you want to help you with your abuse issues.

3. Get a CPA/family lawyer/or friend good with money to help you disentangle yourself from her financially.
Make sure you have plenty of coffee and donuts ready, and spend a morning once a week, maybe Saturday, before golf or a game on tv or after fishing, and get help with organizing first. Collect a list of institutions, phone numbers, penalties, and anything else - like safe deposit boxes - that you need to place in your name only or get your name off of. And slowly work on it. Don't tackle the whole thing at once - use your support system and tackle it as you can.

4. Get a storage shed and some help to move her stuff to it.
I find pizza and beer is a great additional incentive for "free" labor. Once that room is full of her stuff, it's just a matter of moving it. You can even get friends to help you put her stuff in that room in preparation for moving to a storage shed.

Have a plan for dealing with drugs and drug paraphernalia. Your Alanon friend can help you with that one. It gets chucked since it is illegal.

Look - your friends and family are waiting and hoping that you come back into their lives in a meaningful way. It is a blessing and it feels good when you are able to help somebody, and they will gain that blessing and good feeling when they help you. Suck up your pride a bit - your pride is standing in the way of friends and family doing what they do best - supporting and helping somebody they love. You would not turn your back on a friend who came to you, telling you he had to break up with his wife/fiancée/girlfriend because she was a meth addict who not only cost their career, but beat them - would you? Give them a chance to rise to the occasion and help you.

The other thing to consider is that your reputation will take a positive turn if it gets back to the industry through unofficial channels that the reason for your lack of reliability suddenly, after 18 good years, is now out of the house.

The other big thing to think about is that if there's a domestic violence charge, there's also an order of protection. If she's contacting you in any way, she's violating that court order. In other words, she has such contempt for the courts that she is not willing to follow that one simple rule. It is more important for her to play you and make sure you are still there, with your money, your house, your cars.

Will she change? Dunno. she is not trying to right now. She has such little regard for you that she cost you her career. I'd say that you need to stay away from each other, each doing your own work for at least a year before you even consider contacting each other.

Btw, every county joint I've ever seen has AA and NA meetings weekly. If she's not doing those, she's not ready to quit. There are usually batterers classes at county joints, and if she's not doing that, she's not ready to quit abusing you. If she's relying solely on the court to order her to treatment and getting through treatment to be done with the courts, she's playing herself. She's not ready to quit. If she were really ready to quit, and she were really ready to deal with the abuse, she'd be taking advantage of every program available in jail, with plans for prison and beyond prison. She would be encouraging you to get help. She would own her addiction rather than holding her addiction out as the sole reason that there's difficulty, and blaming her addiction for everything.

Remember, look at what they do. What they say is meaningless unless it is backed up by action.
Thank you again for your advice. I am taking it. I'm still sorting around the house with latex gloves. I had no idea this place was that contaminated. I already have the storage idea going. I just gotta box up her things.
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