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Old 05-19-2018, 01:45 PM
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Default How to know it is jitters, cold feet or something serious?

I am getting married in 28 days.

My fiancé wanted it done before trial so it could be a religious ceremony. This means all things or planning was done in months.

I felt good in the beginning and this is what I wanted to do.

Now it is closer and I feel uneasy. I do not have panic attacks ever but I feel like I could have one now! I could cry any day. All of this 2018 has been stress and we do not have the ability to plan life.

I had surgery earlier in this year. When we planned the date, I based it from advice from the co - ordinator who said average waits is close to a year. Mine was days. But the recovery takes for months.

Recently too, the Crown is making an offer in my fiancé’s case. There is that added stress now.

Sometimes I feel sick over this. People tell me that the surgery I had causes emotional strain too as it is a lot to think about.

I do not feel pretty or suitable to be a bride at all. I feel rather silly to have bought a very expensive Reem Acra gown when I feel as though every one will know it is not suitable for the person wearing it. I bought it for reasons not every one can understand.

My fiancé and I have not been intimate either for months. First, operation, then my mood, and now, cause it is the „ rules “ to abstain from each other. I am worried he is going to have regrets „ sealing the deal “ for life over my scarring.

Marriage is a lot more than these stupid thoughts I bring but it seems for people like us [ nationality ] personality and devotion is of less importance in these early years. And our countries have very high divorces rates for marrying young and growing apart. We are not especially young but same messages apply. Then there are people like me who it is argued should not be married at all ... and usually, we are not. Why am I the lucky one? I love my fiancé, trust him too, and I believe he loves me. But I don’t know why ...

I feel like I can not cancel cause people will come from overseas. It is too much and too late for that. All things are prepared and I know it means a lot for these people to get visas and come.

My mother says it is only the jitters and I will get over it. After, I can go to counselling to deal with all these big events. But she is pushing me strongly to go through with it.

I could be being very emotional and that is all. But how do you know if it is emotions or serious?

Asking this publicly cause I’d rather strangers talk than gossiping in my inner circle something is wrong ...
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Old 05-19-2018, 03:44 PM
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I am getting married in 28 days.

My fiancé wanted it done before trial so it could be a religious ceremony. This means all things or planning was done in months.

I felt good in the beginning and this is what I wanted to do.

Now it is closer and I feel uneasy. I do not have panic attacks ever but I feel like I could have one now! I could cry any day. All of this 2018 has been stress and we do not have the ability to plan life.

I had surgery earlier in this year. When we planned the date, I based it from advice from the co - ordinator who said average waits is close to a year. Mine was days. But the recovery takes for months.

Recently too, the Crown is making an offer in my fiancé’s case. There is that added stress now.

Sometimes I feel sick over this. People tell me that the surgery I had causes emotional strain too as it is a lot to think about.

I do not feel pretty or suitable to be a bride at all. I feel rather silly to have bought a very expensive Reem Acra gown when I feel as though every one will know it is not suitable for the person wearing it. I bought it for reasons not every one can understand.

My fiancé and I have not been intimate either for months. First, operation, then my mood, and now, cause it is the „ rules “ to abstain from each other. I am worried he is going to have regrets „ sealing the deal “ for life over my scarring.

Marriage is a lot more than these stupid thoughts I bring but it seems for people like us [ nationality ] personality and devotion is of less importance in these early years. And our countries have very high divorces rates for marrying young and growing apart. We are not especially young but same messages apply. Then there are people like me who it is argued should not be married at all ... and usually, we are not. Why am I the lucky one? I love my fiancé, trust him too, and I believe he loves me. But I don’t know why ...

I feel like I can not cancel cause people will come from overseas. It is too much and too late for that. All things are prepared and I know it means a lot for these people to get visas and come.

My mother says it is only the jitters and I will get over it. After, I can go to counselling to deal with all these big events. But she is pushing me strongly to go through with it.

I could be being very emotional and that is all. But how do you know if it is emotions or serious?

Asking this publicly cause I’d rather strangers talk than gossiping in my inner circle something is wrong ...
You are a beautiful soul and he loves you for you. Yes, there is so much up in the air, but there are things you can control. Focus on those.

Wedding jitters are normal.
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Old 05-19-2018, 05:18 PM
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Hon, from what I know of who you are and your feelings about him, you're going to be fine! You've been going high-stress for quite a while now, which takes its toll. Surgery absolutely takes its portion too. You're emotionally depleted, and it takes a while to recover. Took my dad almost a year. But I don't think what you're feeling is about questions concerning the relationship.
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Old 05-20-2018, 06:17 AM
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Thank you both for the kind words.

For anyone with a wedding, organ tx and ongoing case in a small amount of time, there would be nerves. A lot of nerves. It doesn’t help to look around and absorb negativity either and there has been a lot of it !
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Old 05-24-2018, 07:40 PM
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My mother made me a surprise bridal shower this evening. It upset me cause I didn’t want one ..... at all. Maybe it is jitters or something worse but I really do not like all this focus and a lot of questions about the man I will marry.

As I have said here, my friends have not come to accept my man and so they were not there. It was a bunch of older Eastern European ladies and their daughters, who I do not know well. But they know my mother and gave raunchy lingerie any way knowing what has happened to me in the last months! So much nerves again and a desire to run far away !
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Old 05-25-2018, 06:38 AM
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Mothers! But they were celebrating and essentially giving honor to your family and the tradition of love/marriage. Take a deep breath, look at it in that context, and smoosh down that fear of the spotlight.

Find what joy you can, even with the kindly-meant interference of the people who don't understand your interior!
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Old 05-25-2018, 06:49 PM
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You may not feel it, but you deserve to be celebrated. Take it in stride. You are surrounded by love. They may drive you crazy, but it sounds like the intentions were good.

I can't wait to hear about your big day. Remember, it is the marriage that is important. The wedding is just a day.
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Old 05-27-2018, 05:22 AM
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Mothers are another part of the problem ... and this time, it is not my overbearing one !!

I met his parents once for a short period last year when I was back home overseas. They do not like me very much. They say I am a „ nice girl ” but not for him. It is their hopes that he would have gone back home to find a wife and especially one that whole as in health. He is their duck with golden eggs so they expected him to find another such duck. His grandmother yelled at me over the telephone too! Now, they have to come here and I know it is not going to be easy with them.

His father and mother ask all the time what will be the point of this marriage without building a family? They are very conservative people, who believe in the natural order of things, so I understand. Good people living in a not - so - nice place.

The conspiracy theorists make the argument that he is keeping me cause he needs someone if he goes to prison. He will be deported and good - bye ! Others say that he will try to bring all of his family over and they need someone to look after their daily needs. I yell at them to stop watching 90 Day Fiancé !!!

My mother raised me by herself and as such, is a more modern woman than others from any post - communist country. [I can’t believe I wrote that.] She says if some body „ truly “ loves a person, all flaws are accepted so don’t worry so much right now.

A 2 - day wedding may turn to be a 2 - day war.
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Old 05-30-2018, 04:11 PM
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I really don't have any great advice but I pretty sure everyone has the OMG what the hell am I doing moments before getting married. I know I did my Dad when I was getting married the first time said it's to late to change your mind this was on the way to church. I was like but I don't want this I got caught up with all my Mothers dreams of what my wedding day was going to be. In my case I went thru with it and I got divorced almost 10 years later. Now thin king back I wished I hadn't gone thru with the wedding.
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:05 PM
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I really don't have any great advice but I pretty sure everyone has the OMG what the hell am I doing moments before getting married. I know I did my Dad when I was getting married the first time said it's to late to change your mind this was on the way to church. I was like but I don't want this I got caught up with all my Mothers dreams of what my wedding day was going to be. In my case I went thru with it and I got divorced almost 10 years later. Now thin king back I wished I hadn't gone thru with the wedding.
Ack! I'm so glad I had a mom who said, in my dressing room, full hair and makeup-- are you sure? And she meant it. She'd go out and tell my 200 guests that they were welcome to stay for the party, the food was paid for. But the wedding was not happening. And while I went through with it anyway, that was a the best gift she could have ever given me. She loves my ex to this day so it had nothing to do with the guy, but she wanted to make sure it was what I wanted. She did it before I got married in prison, too. This time it might have had a tiny bit to do with the guy's circumstances, but she loves him now, too.
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:28 PM
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Oh I wish I could have just cancelled or backed out but I honestly didn't feel like I could and my Father was dead serious I was not going to and at the time I really thought I could turn that loser into a man!!!
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:58 PM
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Heck, my father was a minister and doing the ceremony. Nobody talked about backing out!
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Old 06-05-2018, 08:30 AM
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My future - in - laws arrived Friday evening. What a disaster ... At least they brought gifts ... He hadn’t seen his family for 1 1/2 years so I understand his attention toward them.

My mother made reservations at a nice place but forgot they have minimal English skills. Fiancé spent all of the time translating menus and talking to them. In the end, my mother and I were fairly invisible. Another problem: my mother makes her own language when talking to other foreign people. They think my mother is crazy now.

Saturday was worse. I am not 100 % fluent in Russian but enough to converse with my dad, FaceTime with brothers and write the other. So .... I know what I heard...

His mother was clear she didn’t like the idea of him marrying me and she wasn’t happy. There is enough time to call it off but to do it nicely. In her mind, he should be marrying one of those regional beauty queens that will study for a petrochemical degree and have a deep desire for motherhood. I know she wants the best for her son but it hurts. He told her I was sweet, he loved me and everything is fine. Blehhhh.....

It’s my fault too that their son has legal woes. He didn’t have them until shortly after he met me so I am a bad influence apparently. He told his parents no, I have nothing to do with it.

Since then, my fiancé has spent time with his family being curfew - tied tour guide. Understandable. I don’t see much of him though and don’t get a chance to talk, like a serious talk, cause he’s busy with them. I am very sad that what should be happy days are not to his important people. I am hurt.

The very funny thing is that „The Plot Against America" was broadcast on A&E last night. One of our good neighbors watched and got scared of my fiancé! She rang! At least that is a funny happening to make me laugh.

It is times like this I wish I became a nun after all! Is it too late for the convent... ??? O they don’t want me any way !
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Old 06-05-2018, 08:39 AM
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I don't want to be negative or discourage you in any way, it's your life and your decision but looking back to my marriage and in-laws and all the things that happened when my ex-husband choose me I would never ever put myself through that again.
They liked me but from the beginning they were skeptical because I was (am) a foreigner (him being an American and me being a German). My mother-in-law first sentences was after my ex told her that he had asked me to marry him was: "Well.. that's going to create problems"...
And it did because of her especially but she poisened the rest of the family and they never gave me the time of the day. I was ALWAYS the ROOT for ALL PROBLEMS - with my ex and just plain everything.
In the end I felt like Princess Diana... My marriage consisted of 3... me, my ex and my in-laws... And the problem also was that my ex never fully supported me. In the end he didn't protect me..
And we did not have anything to do with prison whatsoever. He was or better is an Architect and I was going to school at Harvard... so what was to complain about? Oh yeah... I'm a "foreigner"...

That is just my story, your's might be totally different but I'm older now and looking back I feel now that there were a ton of red flags for me and I always believe love conquers all but it does not unfortunately. We divorced after 8 years together and after I had given up my family and friends in Germany... And I went back to Germany. That family really ruined it for me for awhile... even though I had a job in the US I left everything behind...

Please be careful and listen to your gut!!
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Old 06-05-2018, 11:40 AM
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Thank you for the advice, Mizzy! You are right that we need to trust our guts especially in life - changing decisions, such as marriage.

I knew his parents weren’t fond of me cause I’m not what they expected for their golden goose son. Perhaps they make like me „as a person” but not as the wife of their son. I thought we would be ok cause they live all the way over in Belarus and can’t easily get here. [cost, visas] And then I realise I know they would have blamed me for keeping him here .... if not deported anyway !

I’m an immigrant too so they can’t say much about that. I’m half Russian but that’s not enough to them. I’m Bosnian-Serb, and raised there, so that’s a little foreign or „wild” to them. He’s been here longer than me and they really wanted him back home to marry someone from over there. You know, better stock to choose from than Western feminists.

I try to get along with them, and there are parents, grandparents, siblings + spouses, some uncles and aunts and cousins, but it is an uphill battle. His friends need to arrive too so it will be wave 2 of disappointment shock.
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Old 06-05-2018, 12:09 PM
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You are battling the old world. Some people do not take well to change and it is not you but the idea of you they do not like or want.

It is no different then someone wanting someone different for their child because they are a felon or Incarcerated.

You guys have to be stronger then their words or feelings.
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Old 06-07-2018, 07:38 PM
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Horrible day.

Today I woke up not feeling well. It is also provincial election day and the projected winner is upsetting. Last, I tried to deal with ringing bureaucrats all day, like a modern Kafka !

And then my fiancé dropped the „ bachelor party ” bomb upon me.

He asked if he could have one AT HOME. HERE. He explained that cause of his curfew and bail conditions, he can’t be out of here. My mother and I would need to find a place to stay though. That nerved me ! I have to go out of my way so he can get drunk ??? But he asked could he still have one ? I said I’m not the one he should ask ... ask my mother, which would be scary.

My mother said 1. there would be noise complaints, police would be called and he’d ruin his bail. 2. this is not a place for parties. But she understands this is part of the celebrations and don’t want him taking a risk in jail with $ in a wedding. She would think about it ... but the thought of „ filth ” in here wanted her to err on no .

My brothers [the non - incarcerated ones .... ] are married and so, I FaceTimed one asking what would happen at a bachelor party with Russians ?? He said the typical thing to do is guys go to the banya, go back to a party place, cook food, eat, drink, play games and joke to get the groom out of marriage. It gets loud, noisy and silly. It can get really dirty but usually the guys will clean it .... but good to clean up after them again !

I asked about strippers. He said yeah, guys have them but you don’t have to. But with a stripper, she does her paid job, or jobs if there are plural, and then sits and eats for a bit.... I found this strangest...

My mother said yes, after all, and now we gotta find a nice place to stay for a night next week. My bird has his own big place since he is the boss here so I warned if anyone upsets my bird, they are all finished !!!

With this party added now, next week will be hectic. 9 days to go .... helpppp...
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Old 06-07-2018, 08:39 PM
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Breathe! It will all be ok. Bachelor parties are normal. At least he is adhering to his rules and such.
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Old 06-08-2018, 09:02 AM
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Yes, the party itself doesn’t bother me. He can have his fun. It is just that it is at home ... and worried home will turn into a disaster zone. With me left to clean it...
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