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Old 02-11-2019, 10:05 PM
lakhawk2001 lakhawk2001 is offline
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Default Alone and Broken

Last month my son went to lock up because him & a female grd had a verbal confrontation. While in lock up he got more DRís & his gain time was taken away. All this happened 3 wks before he was to come home. Today I got a letter saying he blame me for him being in prison because I gave birth to him. He said he hate me & hope I die. He said mean and hateful things. Iím to embarrassed to put them on here. Iíve cried so much because Iíve tried to encourage him. Even before he went to prison he was verbally abusive but I supported him because he has a diagnosed mental illness. I blame myself but Idk how much more I can take. I am all he has. He is set to get out in April. I look at my friends and get jealous because they sons love & respect them. Iíve been praying for 20+ yrs & Iím still experiencing the same disappointment. I feel so alone because he has hurt people in my family & they donít want anything to do with him so I canít speak with them about it. I feel alone, hopeless & broken.
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Old 02-11-2019, 10:13 PM
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You're not alone....you found a wealth of support when you found PTO

Is your son not taking his meds and/or not getting the help he needs & deserves? His anger is misdirected, you're not to blame for his being incarcerated. I hope you have therapy and a medical doctor lined up for when he's released. Not just for him, but for yourself as well.

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Old 02-11-2019, 11:44 PM
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I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Our incarcerated loved ones don't always realize the burden we carry. We try to keep encouraging them even when we are mentally & emotionally exhausted. All you can do is love your son. What he did is on him. He made choices that got him where he is. All you did by giving birth to him is to give him the ability to make those choices. When people make choices, they have to deal with the results of those choices- good or bad.
I suggest you connect with a support group to help you prepare for what comes next. You might look into the Florida group, Families with loved ones in prison http://www.afn.org/~flip/ . Another site that has some stories you might relate to is https://prisonthehiddensentence.com/your-voice/ . I also found an article about someone in the Pensacola area that was starting a support group for people with incarcerated loved ones. He also is the director of the Re-entry Alliance in Pensacola. https://www.pnj.com/story/news/crime...nty/806064002/


Stay strong & take care of yourself. I would urge you to get mental health options in place for when he's released. I doubt he got much help while incarcerated & you can't do it alone. Good luck & please lean on the groups here. They have been a blessing to me.
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Old 02-12-2019, 04:28 AM
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I'm sorry too. He is lashing out at you because he knows it will devastate you. It's his mental illness speaking, but that doesn't make it any easier to hear. Stay strong and be sure to take care of yourself.
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Old 02-12-2019, 08:20 AM
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boy does this sound familiar.
It hurts I know. Have had similar statements made to me.
Im so sorry he has hurt you.


Agree with what others suggested. Get into some counseling for you. Why he's lashing out at you is really ridiculous. Try not to let it get to you. (very hard to do)
Hopefully at some point he will get his crap together.
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Old 02-12-2019, 08:33 AM
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Part of being an adult is accepting that NONE of us had a picture perfect childhood, no parent is perfect, but most importantly there comes a time when no matter how legitimate claims may be (because we all know not all are) about childhood issues we have to grow up and take responsibility for our own actions. It seems that he has a way to go in learning this.

Even still it doesn't sound like his "complaints" are anything beyond the fact you gave him life.... which is just ridiculous in and of itself.

Not that it's fair to you but it sounds like he's in the self pity stage of things but his attitude will determine how long he stays there. As others have said, seek counseling, even if it's a group setting. My husband attends a group that is called "EA" for Emotions Anonymous much like AA. It is at a local hospital. Maybe you have something similar where you live. You could also see if there is a local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) where they have meetings of different types that can help you deal with his issues within yourself.
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Old 02-12-2019, 03:47 PM
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I am a 50 y/o woman and am in the very early stages of the federal process for a white collar crime I committed many years ago. I have many days where I just want to blame my parents for my shitty childhood and instilling in me that if you can get away with a crime, then it’s all good.

I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t take to heart what your son says. He is bitter and angry at his situation and I imagine his mental illness only makes things significantly worse. It would be very beneficial for you to seek counseling. You need to take care of yourself. Love your son, but put yourself first.
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Old 02-13-2019, 10:29 AM
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My mom goes thru a similar situation with my oldest sister (not incarcerated tho). She blames my mom for who her step father, the childhood they have, how we grew up and all that. But my mom did what she could with what she had. We had all the love in the world from her and even though we did not understand what she was doing at the time, she did her best and worked her asss off for the little we had.

With that being said, my mom is tired of constantly getting her past up by her daughter, she apologized many times and has HUGELY changed her life and has done everything she can to help my sister look past the past. Now mind you my sister has a good job, good apartment all that, but lacks money skills.

My mom finally made the decision to love her daughter from a distant. It hurt her at the beginning but now she is completely fine and finds herself happies.
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Old 02-17-2019, 07:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lakhawk2001 View Post
Last month my son went to lock up because him & a female grd had a verbal confrontation. While in lock up he got more DRís & his gain time was taken away. All this happened 3 wks before he was to come home. Today I got a letter saying he blame me for him being in prison because I gave birth to him. He said he hate me & hope I die. He said mean and hateful things. Iím to embarrassed to put them on here. Iíve cried so much because Iíve tried to encourage him. Even before he went to prison he was verbally abusive but I supported him because he has a diagnosed mental illness. I blame myself but Idk how much more I can take. I am all he has. He is set to get out in April. I look at my friends and get jealous because they sons love & respect them. Iíve been praying for 20+ yrs & Iím still experiencing the same disappointment. I feel so alone because he has hurt people in my family & they donít want anything to do with him so I canít speak with them about it. I feel alone, hopeless & broken.
Thank you for your courage and strength in posting this. It is very hard to acknowledge when someone we love is being cruel to us. Whatever his mental illness is, learn what you can about it so you can understand and cope. It is not you, it is his illness. Depending on the area you live in and your financial resources, it can be very hard to find a support group and a counselor. You need to have a place to vent and share your frustration and pain so that you can keep healthy mentally and emotionally. Even knowing the words he is spouting are garbage, it still hurts. It hurts less when you can share the pain and feel understood.

Hopefully, he can obtain proper treatment and medication for his illness when he is released from prison. Him being compliant with treatment is something you will need to require he do so that you can help him with all the rest. My sister has mental health issues and her son made it a requirement if she wanted his help with a place to live and to be involved in her grandchildren's lives. It has made a world of difference for her and him.

As others have said, you are not alone.
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