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  #1  
Old 02-27-2007, 06:53 PM
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Default My son is coming home tomorrow and my greatest fear

Tomorrow morning I will be on my way to Dominguez to pick up Joshua. You would have thought today was a great day full of anticipation and happiness. It was a horrible day. I have had so much fear inside of me today.

I left work early, I went to see my beautiful granddaughter and had to leave because I couldn't get out of this horrible mood, I came home and started an arguement with my husband who has been my unwaivering rock and we never fight.

I made sure he had a visitor every single weekend he was serving his time. I made sure he had money on his books at all times. I wrote three letters a week so he would have mail. We have a job for Joshua lined up. He is flying out of Texas to Arizona...to a resort on the Grand Canyon. Living expenses taken care of, a family friend there to be with him, my mother is looking for a vehicle for him to have so he will have a way around...we have bought calling cards so he can stay in touch and call when he needs us. I will be taking him to take care of his drivers license thursday, he has an eye appointment scheduled friday as he has been wearing the same pair of contacts for the last 6 months. He was a "short timer" so they would not order glasses for him..we sold his car so he could pay off some debts here in texas and have some pocket money. I have done everything I can think of to make everything ok when he walks out of that place...so why the fear?

I guess because the rest is up to Joshua and God. And giving up that control as a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. His problem was and may still be drinking. He is sober, but I dont know if he is in recovery...again, a short timer so no programs available where he is. This was the only time he was in trouble. Will it happen again? Can I stop it? I have done everything I can do as a mother? Am I a failure if he finds trouble again and what will I do if it happens again? Can I do everything that I have this time? Can my emotional being stand it?

I know to "let go and let God". Easier said than done. I pray. I cry. All I want as a mother is for my children to be happy and safe. Can I let it go and enjoy this time I have with Joshua and not let this unstopable fear damage that? I don't know. That is me being honest.

Hopefully I will be able to update this post in days to come and say what a wonderful homecoming we had and that I really could "let go".
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Old 02-27-2007, 07:28 PM
msheart msheart is offline
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I read your post, and I'm a mother too, but the only difference is that my kids haven't been in trouble at all, hope they never will, so I could not relate to your fear as a mom, but as a girlfriend yes, my boyfriend is coming out soon and it's a fear and insecurity that I feel, and all I do is pray a lot and let God be my support in the good and the bad. Congratulations on his homecoming, I hope he gets to understand that you love him unconditionally and appreciates everything you've done and doing for him. Hopefully, he'll stay sober. Good luck
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Old 02-27-2007, 07:59 PM
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Joshiesmom, as a mother with a son in prison for the second time I understand what you are saying. There is the uncertainty about whether they have had enough and will walk the straight and narrow or what will happen. The only thing I can tell you is that you really have no control over any of what he does when he comes home. I, like you, did everything in my power to help Jason when he came home the first time and yet it isn't something that we can do for them or Lord knows it would have been done long ago. All you can do is pray for him. I know it is hard to turn loose of our kids but sometimes I think if I had REALLY let go and let God a long time ago we would be better off today. Jason will be home soon and my plan is to tell him that I have turned him over to God and that is all I can do. That and pray for him. I hope your son does well and all the others who are on their way back home. Ask God to give you peace about this situation and give your worries to him! Hugs, Katy
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Old 02-27-2007, 08:59 PM
meganlea meganlea is offline
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While I don't have suggestions for you, I hope your son realizes how blessed he is to have a mom like you in his life.

Working in the court system I see sooooooooooooo many defendants whose parents are totally non-existant. He's so lucky to have you.
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Old 02-27-2007, 09:52 PM
Valentina Valentina is offline
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Joshie's Mom -

Anyone would be lucky to have you as a mom! I think you should show your son that post. I have a son who is almost 29 and in his early 20s he started on that road. Luckily he didn't go far and he is on track and fine, but i related to every word you said, because that is all any of us want for our chlldren. Tell him to call me and I'll tell him what a great mom he has! Best of luck to all of you.
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Old 02-27-2007, 11:17 PM
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Hug him half to death, then spin him around and point him down his road to tomorrow with your prayers and blessings. You've done what you can. His future is his own, and he may yet make you proud.
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Old 02-28-2007, 04:26 PM
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Girl, I have been thinking about you and praying you have had a glorious day!!!!!
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Old 03-02-2007, 08:50 PM
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Joshiesmom, ..... I have a Joshie too, although he isn't in prison (my hubby is) I worry so much about my son. He had many tickets, dui, possession, driving with suspended license. All the things that start them on the road to trouble. I pray for him all the time. He is my only son and it is very hard to give them to God. But sometimes that is what we have to do. God gave us our children and they are His, not ours. I can tell you that I have learned that it is wonderful and Godly to give to our children and our families. It is healthy to give and do so much. But it is also part of being healthy to say no and know when not to give or try to control others lives. We never know how things will turn out. But I believe in prayer and I pray alot that God will give me to the wisdom to see where my son is ... in relation to God. I pray that I will not get in the way of God's plan for him and any lessons he must learn. I pray that I will be a comfort when he needs it and that my actions will always point him in the right direction. My prayers will be with you, as you and Josh start this new chapter. Be strong and don't dwell on the what ifs..... focus on the day and the blessing of having him home.
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Old 03-02-2007, 10:39 PM
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Your story is very emotional and brings back the feelings I was going through a few weeks ago

As a mother of a daughter who just recently got home from her stay under TDCJ roofs, I feel for you and know what you are going through. We did the same for our daughter, keeping money on her account, visited every single weekend, wrote every single day. Now that she is home she continues to tell me that without our 110% support while she was there that she doesn't think she would have made it. She reassures me how much she appreciates our unconditional love. Just knowing that she acknowledges that makes it all worth the effort, I could not have done anything other than the 110%, she is my baby even at 36 years old tomorrow! I know that she would have made it, she has proved to be a survivor. This is a person, my daughter, that had sucidal tendacies, has tried and almost succeded, was on life support for several days. It was the easy way out she thought, when things got too rocky. Well NOW LOOK AT HER - she survived PRISON, SAFP, and the HALFWAY HOUSE! When she encounters something she needs to do that she is hesitant to do she says to herself, "I can do this, I survived prison!"

Fear and worry, yes I had it too. Sometimes I even caught myself thinking "but I know she is safe where she is", safe in terms of I knew where she was every minute and that her activity was somewhat limited. Then I would feel guilty for feeling that way - my easy way out - of having to start worrying again - where is she, what is she doing, who is she doing what with! It was driving me crazy. I finally decided in order for me to be fair to her, to my husband, to my other daughter, to my grandchildren, and to my mom, that I had to turn her over to God. And guess what, I finally found peace with doing that and not trying to be in control. She and I are doing great, better than ever actually. She knows that I love her, she knows that I care about what happens to her and she knows that I worry about her, but she also knows now that I can have these feelings without the CONTROL. We are both much happier.
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Old 03-29-2007, 12:57 PM
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joshiesmom, you seem to already know just what to do, let go and let God, I know as well, I'm a mom tooand I know I would do that same worry, relax and let him grow up. Congrats....
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Old 03-30-2007, 05:31 AM
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Thanks everyone for the kind words and encouragement. Josh is doing great! I am almost back to my old self. Yes, I still worry but I find myself not constantly trying to think ahead and all the "what ifs". His homecoming was just perfect and now he has started his new life and is just doing super. I am able to joke and laugh with him now when we talk instead of the constant questions I used to have for him....wondering what and how he was doing. He has stepped up and is taking responsiblity for his life and taking care of his own business. Momma doesn't have to do it anymore. I can just be Momma now. When I go back and read what I wrote on the day before he came home, I remember how I was feeling and I have come so far in so little time. Prayers for everyone and I hope all of your homecomings are soon.
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Old 03-30-2007, 05:39 AM
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It is so good to know Joshie is doing good. I just knew he would. I know you have to be proud of the way he is stepping up.
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Old 03-30-2007, 06:44 AM
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Ah, that's wonderful news, Mom. May it continue!
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Old 03-30-2007, 11:35 AM
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I have so many fears myself as the day grows near...I can imagine what you were going through. The anticipation is driving me crazy. Im happy to hear there is light at the end of my tunnle...thanks for sharing.
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:22 PM
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I think we all have fears and worries. That's because we love them so much and want the very best. My only advice is the replace every thought of fear or worry with a prayer. Thank God even more when you are anxious.

God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.

Believe me when I encourage you I am encouraging myself. Many blessing to you and your son.
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Old 04-02-2007, 09:29 PM
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To all Joshiesmoms,

You have every God given right to feel the way you do. Nobody wants to see their children incarcerated, abused deprived of everything.

When children go to prison the parents go with them. It's in the back of your mind even when you think it is not: the fear, the loneliness, the anger, the hope......when they come home it is overwhelming because it is a happiness that you are not used to feeling for months or years, and you don't want to lose it, don't know what to do with it...it is overwhelming. You feel guilty, happy, sad, irritable, controlling, powerless, satisfied, anxious...all at the same time.

The fear and the stress are real. The children who left for prison will come back changed: more angry, more afraid, more irritable, yet seemingly more mature. What they endured has changed them and you do not know in what way. Sometimes prison teaches not to ever offend again; other times it leaves people more vulnerable than before. And we know all this.

The fear is real because the possibility of their going back is equally real. Yet, one must live one day at the time and you must believe that this one day you are spending with them will last forever. And this one day must be the most joyous day, for them if not for you.

Let go of the fear, as real as it may seem.

I wish you all the best.

John

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