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  #1  
Old 08-28-2016, 08:25 AM
Bthals2227 Bthals2227 is offline
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Question Bail Revoked for 2nd assault on me - what next?

My fiancé and I got into an argument back in May while drinking and he assaulted me. He called the police on himself when he cooled down and I bailed him out the next day. Unfortunately, as a condition of being released on bail, the commissioner had put in a no contact order. So we were trying to keep everything quiet, worked things out between ourselves and just had to get through the court dates. His lawyer had even encouraged us to get married. Come August, we had a disagreement and the police were called and he was arrested in Virginia. He was in jail for 10 days and was released on bail with supervised probation and another no contact order. A few days later was his status hearing in Maryland for the first assault. They revoked his bail because the assault in Virginia proved contact with us. Now he's in jail until at least October 25. My question is, is there anyway to get a bail reinstated after a judge has revoked it? Also, how do I go about killing this no contact order? It's not what I want and im also pregnant with his child and want to involve him as much as I can. We were working all of this out and now we can't even exchange letters. I'm losing my mind without him.
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Old 08-28-2016, 09:43 AM
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You're going to lose a lot more than your mind if you continue the relationship.

Sorry if that sounds incredibly harsh, but it's real. He's assaulted you twice, (and that doesn't count little insults and threats and distrust of you that tend to come along with this type of relationship), and the second time you were pregnant. He drinks.

The reality is that he's as common as any other abuser. All the stuff in paragraph two is so normal for an abusive relationship. He drinks (or is an addict) is number one on the hit parade. Pregnancy of the partner is number two.

You're not going to get the no-contact order removed, not for a long, long time. Certainly not without going through domestic abuse counseling for a good while, so your counselor can sign off on the letter to the judge that says good things. And until after he's been sentenced, sent to his home prison, and done batterer's programs.

So your job is to get healthy and strong and go to counseling. That's going to be the best thing you can do for your baby. Far better than trying to work it out with a man you can't contact.

And, sorry to tell you, you don't tend to work it out with abusers. They tend to be narcissists, and they really, really, really don't see a reason to change.

If I sound flip, it's because I've been down this road a couple of times, been through all the pain you've experienced and then some ('cause I did it twice!) and raised my son alone. It's a difficult time, but you can do it.
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Old 08-28-2016, 09:48 AM
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He violated his conditions of bail in a number of ways (contact with you, leaving the state, another offense & arrest)....I don't see bail reinstatement anytime soon . And given that he's assaulted you twice, I don't see the no-contact being lifted as long as he's on probation/parole unless/except you both do DV counseling. You may want to get started on that now by contacting your local DV Shelter/Organization.
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Old 08-28-2016, 09:55 AM
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Nimuay said it all. You have to protect your baby and keep him or her safe. You do that by keeping yourself safe. Get into counseling and he needs to take anger management courses and counseling himself. You can't help him, only professionals can.
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Old 08-28-2016, 10:36 AM
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Oh honey! God bless you and what you are going through. Your too sweet a girl to be messed up worrying about him and his contact with you. Let it rest for awhile. If he wants to change he will have to prove it to the courts not you! He can ask for counseling, he can enroll in anger management and he can then ask his attorney to provide this proof to the judge. This is not for you to do. You have been through enough. You are minimizing the stress he has put you under and continues to put you under. Does he make YOU feel responsible to fix this? He violated it. Yeah you went along with it but the no contact wasnt something you put on him. He knew the consequences. He has to get himself out of it. Go to a pregnancy counseling center at least where they help pregnant moms out with the basics, go sign up for WIC, if your not on insurance ask the state department of family services or food stamp office for help with that and get your prenatal care. Talk to your doctor about the abuse issues if you cant find help and they will refer you out. This is not your fault. You did not cause him to get locked up. Please be good to you. If he changes, quits drinking or whatever he needs to do then he will come back to you without legal stipulations. And if it isnt meant to be it wont. Either way you will come out ok if you take care of you, your body and your unborn baby.
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Old 08-28-2016, 11:04 AM
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You are not working things out if he is assaulting you like this. You have a non contact order and yet you continue to violate it. The no contact order is in place to protect you.
This relationship is dysfunctional and it will continue to be so whilst alcohol is involved. You are not having little arguements he is assaulting you and its not a game. The police are getting involved and things are getting out of hand.
As others have said your priority should now be your child.You need to make you and the baby safe and cut him out of your lives until he changes significantly acccepts the help available.
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Old 08-28-2016, 01:35 PM
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They do not care what you "want" because you are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship and blind to what is good for you. I am sure you don't want to be assualted either but that doesn't stop your boyfriend from abusing you so the no contact order will remain.

You need to get into counseling and heal from his hold on you. Leave him in jail stop worrying about him he didn't care about you or your unborn baby when he assualted you twice. Side note also if he drinks and hits and abuses you he will hit and abuse that child too.

Bail won't be reinstated he violated the terms of his bail. You don't get to skirt around breaking the rules over and over again just because your girlfriend is sad.

Take care of yourself and your baby, get into counseling and break the hold he has on you and the cycle of domestic violence that will follow if you raise your baby in a life growing up with a drunken bastard beating on you and it.
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Old 08-28-2016, 04:25 PM
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Brief note: even if an abuser gives up their drug of choice, they rarely give up abusing. The addiction is very rarely the cause.
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Old 08-28-2016, 06:34 PM
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"killing the no-contact order" is hardly a wise choice of words given that it is there precisely to keep YOU from getting killed.

How many different times do you believe you and he could extend the figurative middle finger to the judge before the judge got pissed and said enough? That is exactly what you were doing...you thought you knew more than the court. They see this every single day...and damned near everyone they see claims it won't happen again because they looooooooove each other SOOOOOOO much. And then it happens again...and again...and again...

OP, you show no signs of having sought counseling and he certainly seems not to have undergone any batterers intervention on his part either. Until that happens, you aren't going to be together, are likely not visiting in the jail, are likely not talking by phone and he likely is not going to be there to play the role of baby daddy.
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Old 08-28-2016, 07:18 PM
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Uh, you have 2 different no contact orders - killing the one does not kill the other, and they cross jurisdictions. He has one bail atm. He cannot contact you and be in compliance with that bail.

You are preggers. If the court knows this, and I assume he's already played that card with the police and they duly recorded that information, and may even have gotten that information from you as well, so let's assume they know you are pregnant, then the court knows that you are making bad decisions for yourself and your baby. They also know he's making ridiculously bad decisions while flouting the authority of the court. They probably also know by now that you bailed him out, proving that he's been in contact with you since the moment of arrest and so frequently since the no contact has been in place that it's silly.

They also know the statistics on the number of times that a domestic partner has to be abused before it comes to the attention of the courts.

Ouch.

You don't have a domestic violence counselor to speak on your behalf stating s/he's been working with you since the moment of arrest. Neither does he. He's not even smart enough to refrain from drugs/alcohol while out on bail - yet another violation of his bail conditions and I just bet they tested him and listened as he said, "if I wasn't drunk/high, this never would have happened." Confession as to his use of substances in violation of his bail agreement and the NCO.

So, let's look at the score card, shall we?

Use of drugs/alcohol +1
fleeing the jurisdiction +1
new charges +1
violation of the NCO +1
no counseling +1
no alcohol/addiction treatment +1
new charges, same victim + 1
pregnant victim +1

evidence in support of new bail

evidence in support of removing the Maryland NCO

evidence in support of removing the Virginia NCO

So, yes, bail can be reinstated once revoked, but not with factors like this. An NCO can be removed, but not with factors like this.

If you want any chance of ever seeing him again without the cops hauling his ass away, you need to seek professional domestic violence counseling. The sooner, the better.
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