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Old 01-23-2019, 09:49 PM
JMR77429 JMR77429 is offline
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Default Do I go to my husband's revocation hearing even if our marriage may be over

Trying not to be co-dependent here and hoping someone here understands. I've always dropped everything and done what my husband needs when he calls. He was out on parole and got picked up for DUI. He has done the county time on that and his parole hearing to decide on revocation will be held next week. So, he's got me gathering up support letters, his resume, stuff like that. He lost his job the day of the arrest and they didn't even know he was on parole, but he was an excellent employee and got promotions (at my urging him to have the confidence to apply for) when they were laying off others. I sent an e-mail to the bosses he still believes will hire him back the second he gets out, and haven't heard from anyone, so I'm guessing I won't have a support letter from them. So, I decide to log on to my husband's facebook and send a message to a friend/co-worker guy friend of his to ask if he'll write one. This guy has been checking in with me after every court date to see if he'll be out soon and seems genuinely concerned so I figured he'd write a letter.

Okay, here's where my head blows off. I log in to his facebook and see he's been sending messages to some girl in California because he likes her pictures so much. He did tell her he was married right up front, but just wanted to be pen pals with her but clearly he wanted more. She didn't respond at first but finally said hi and it seemed they were never logged on at the same time, but he got up for work one morning at 4 a.m. and sent her a message and said he was hoping to find she had written because she was first thing on his mind when he woke up. She messaged him a couple shots of herself in a tank top and he complimented her and winked and he wrote her poems....I'm LIVID!!!! You have no idea how much S@%*T I've been through for this man! This isn't the first time something like this has happened either! He called me that night to get the answers to all the questions I've been researching for him and I just blew up. I let him know that I had the answers and they weren't good, but I didn't say more, he ignored the bomb going off in his marriage and started crying out for the parole information because as he says "this is my life we're talking about here." I just hung up and have blocked the number.

I've been so down and can just have tears start rolling down my face at any time. Last night while out grocery shopping his sister in another state texted me asking me to do all these things (for him) and write a letter and make it sound like it was from her.......so basically he is now calling on her to do all his chores. I had warned her that once she started taking care of him, he would run to her nonstop for everything. She assured me that she hasn't got time for that, but there she was texting me asking me to explain all the Texas parole ins and outs for her. Here's the thing, I must be sick or something because I admit I liked being needed. His parole revocation hearing is a week from today and I'm wondering if I should show up? I mean, as ticked as I am about the whole thing, I don't think he belongs back in prison. So, I'm hoping someone can give me some advice as to what to do, should I go?

BTW, a couple more things, I use a wheelchair when I have to go anywhere that requires much walking and will have to go to the jail in my chair (which he thinks will score him some points!) I do just want to put it out there in case someone makes a suggestion, when he gets out, he has already been told (long before the FB incident) that he won't be coming home. I've had to rent out rooms in my house so I don't lose the house and I won't be kicking anyone out, plus he has no license and I don't live on a bus line. I don't even have money in savings for him to get in anywhere. I've told him he needs to walk over to the homeless shelter when he gets out. I know that he thinks he'll call his sister and she'll save him and it doesn't even phase him when I tell him that. When he first went in, I wrote a 5-page letter telling him what he needs to do to come home, get a job, get a place to live (sent him info on a halfway house), get back in to treatment for his manic depressive bipolar that sends him on the drinking binges and be stable on meds. Have his OWN checking account so he is the only one responsible for his own finances (I've always controlled "our" checking account and when I tell him it's dry, he never listens and charges stupid stuff!). We have to go back to church like we did when we first married, we fell away because of judgmental women who knew he was on parole and I thought I could trust them, but he didn't feel comfortable anymore so we stopped. I made a big long list of stuff in that letter and I told him if he didn't want to come home ever, he didn't have to, he could keep living as he has been and will surely kill himself, someone else, and of course, end up right back in prison. Honestly, even now, I'm hoping he comes out and gets to work on that list and tries to win me back, but I know I'm ridiculous for even allowing myself to think that.

Thanks for reading this whole catastrophic story, I'm sorry it's so long, I don't know how to write short stories.
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Old 01-23-2019, 10:11 PM
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nimuay nimuay is offline
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Personally, I think you should have called a halt to the relationship a way back, but we each have our own tolerances. You have no control over him for as long as he remains untreated for his BPD. And it sounds like he isn't interested in getting back on his meds. Meanwhile, you're insulted daily and misused. I'd file for divorce.
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