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  #126  
Old 02-06-2017, 11:08 AM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is offline
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priceam: You seem like a very nice person. I would hope that you can get some counseling so that you know your real worth. There is nothing wrong with still caring for your wife and helping to support her if that is what you feel you need to do. But you need to take control of your life.

It's been a long time since I considered opening up to anyone. It's not easy but I'm working on it.

She made the decisions that put her behind bars.

Yes and no. I should have been a lot more attentive and proactive. I knew she was having a serious reaction to the meds but I didn't intervene. I thought she'd settle down and be OK after she got used to the new meds. I should have called her doctor after the first few days of her being so manic she was hardly sleeping, etc. She was definitely impaired when she did what she did.

Don't let her take your power of making your decisions with what you do with your life. You deserve happiness. You deserve to have someone love you as unconditionally as you love your wife. You deserve to put yourself first. Best of luck!

Thanks for your kindness.
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  #127  
Old 02-07-2017, 06:30 AM
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And what happens if you fall head over heels in love with baggage woman? What happens if you meet someone when you are walking down the street and want to have it all with her?

I'm not ready to get hurt again. Neither is "Baggage Lady". I'm not sure either of us wants to give our all to the other. I'm comfortable with that at this point. It doesn't have to be perfect. I'll be happy with "good enough".

Your wife has set you free you need to quit chaining yourself to her its keeping you from moving on properly and to be honest with the lie she has been running she doesnt deserve your loyalty.

She doesn't have anybody out here who cares about her except her elderly mom, our daughter and me. I'm the only one who can support her.
Honestly if it were me in your shoes Id let her long term bit on the side support her. If your daughter was in the same situation would you encourage her to continue supporting someone who lies.cheats and disrespects her all the while expecting her to help keep him/her in touch with the side piece? What are you showing your daughter? That being someones doormat is ok?
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  #128  
Old 02-07-2017, 06:47 AM
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I still struggle with the topic of the thread "adjusting to my wife's prison relationship"...
Still wondering why one should adjust to this kind of situation? Don't we all have the right to a happy life and even though compromises are good within a relationship she has told you to move on. So I think if there's adjusting to do it should be more to a new life as a free man. You've got only this one life.
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  #129  
Old 02-07-2017, 08:58 AM
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you can tell me that this is none of my business but how does your daughter feel about all of this?
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  #130  
Old 02-07-2017, 11:16 AM
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Psychocandy;Honestly if it were me in your shoes Id let her long term bit on the side support her.

Her "long term bit on the side" is on home confinement, with an ankle bracelet to make sure she stays there. She obviously can't work (which she told me infuriates her husband) so there's no way she could help Tammy financially.

If your daughter was in the same situation would you encourage her to continue supporting someone who lies.cheats and disrespects her all the while expecting her to help keep him/her in touch with the side piece? What are you showing your daughter? That being someones doormat is ok?


She's 26 years old. I doubt she looks to me to set an example of anything. If I am setting one for her, I hope it's sticking by someone despite her faults.
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  #131  
Old 02-07-2017, 11:23 AM
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MizzyMuffling;I still struggle with the topic of the thread "adjusting to my wife's prison relationship"...

I'm not sure what else I could have labeled it. Perhaps I shouldn't have started it in the first place. I have gotten some perspective though, which is good.

Still wondering why one should adjust to this kind of situation?


We were happy with each other when we were together despite her being biploar. She's an amazing woman in many ways. She's talented, well educated and loving. I think she'd still be with me if I were inside.

Don't we all have the right to a happy life and even though compromises are good within a relationship she has told you to move on. So I think if there's adjusting to do it should be more to a new life as a free man.

She did tell me to move on but she hasn't said she wants me out of her life. I don't want her to be out of mine.

You've got only this one life.

I guess I want it all. I want my wife and someone to care about and be with who cares about me.
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  #132  
Old 02-07-2017, 11:27 AM
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priceam;you can tell me that this is none of my business but how does your daughter feel about all of this?

Sarah told me after I found out that she knew about it practically from the beginning. Tammy asked her not to say anything and she respected her mom's request. We haven't talked much about it. I guess she's been fine with it all along.
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  #133  
Old 02-07-2017, 12:06 PM
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priceam;you can tell me that this is none of my business but how does your daughter feel about all of this?

Sarah told me after I found out that she knew about it practically from the beginning. Tammy asked her not to say anything and she respected her mom's request. We haven't talked much about it. I guess she's been fine with it all along.
*jaw drop*

Umm. An adult who asks a person, let alone their child, to be complicit in a (I want to use the word lie, I think you'll object so we'll compromise...) heavy secret is in the wrong. Like, way, way, way, in the wrong.

Again, not asking you to stop loving her but rather see her choices with a little less attachment to the guilt and bias you possess.

I'm happy to see you've allowed yourself to pursue other avenues and I'm sure that over time you'll find more and healthier ways to "adjust". It didn't take a day to get where you are and it will take more than that to feel comfortable with change. I'm hopeful for you.
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  #134  
Old 02-07-2017, 12:24 PM
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My goodness so Tammy was happy to let your daughter carry her secret and lies around and encouraged her to lie (omission is lying) to her father. That is wrong on many levels.
The more I hear about this lady the more I understand why are you are so submissive to her , she is scheming dramatic and manipulative and selfish.
I am sure you will pick this apart and make excuses for her ,but you know what you deserve to have a life free of this drama and heartache.
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  #135  
Old 02-07-2017, 01:54 PM
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*jaw drop*

Umm. An adult who asks a person, let alone their child, to be complicit in a (I want to use the word lie, I think you'll object so we'll compromise...) heavy secret is in the wrong. Like, way, way, way, in the wrong
.

Sarah had a very rocky relationship with her mom for a long time, They're finally close and I'm glad for that. That's one reason I leave Saturdays open for the two of them to visit "privately".

Again, not asking you to stop loving her but rather see her choices with a little less attachment to the guilt and bias you possess.


I'm not trying to flog the proverbial dead horse but I understand why my wife made a choice to make her life a little less awful for a while.

I'm happy to see you've allowed yourself to pursue other avenues and I'm sure that over time you'll find more and healthier ways to "adjust".


Maybe "evolve" would be a better word to express what I'm doing.

It didn't take a day to get where you are and it will take more than that to feel comfortable with change.

It's take 23 years.

I'm hopeful for you.

Thanks.
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  #136  
Old 02-07-2017, 01:59 PM
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My goodness so Tammy was happy to let your daughter carry her secret and lies around and encouraged her to lie (omission is lying) to her father. That is wrong on many levels.

So is spending the rest of her life in prison. I don't want to argue the dynamics of their relationship with either of them. I'm glad they're getting along. Hell, maybe Tammy trusting her with this thing brought them closer together. I've stopped trying to figure out how their minds work. Professionals haven't done a great job of it.

The more I hear about this lady the more I understand why are you are so submissive to you , she is scheming dramatic and manipulative and selfish.
I am sure you will pick this apart and make excuses for her ,but you know what you deserve to have a life free of this drama and heartache.


I'm trying to get something good for myself without hurting anyone else. I don't want my happiness to be a zero sum game.
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  #137  
Old 02-08-2017, 01:07 AM
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Wilkes...This relationship you have with your wife is not love. Love doesnt expect one partner to accept just any kind of treatment at the hands of the other. Love doesnt lie or cheat or have secrets.
I just hope you daughter has managed to grown her way out of you and her mothers dysfunction without too much damage.
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  #138  
Old 02-08-2017, 10:06 AM
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Wilkes...This relationship you have with your wife is not love. Love doesnt expect one partner to accept just any kind of treatment at the hands of the other. Love doesnt lie or cheat or have secrets.

Not when two people are able to interact freely, anyway. We can't.

I just hope you daughter has managed to grown her way out of you and her mothers dysfunction without too much damage.


She had years of analysis. She's fine now as long as her meds are working.
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  #139  
Old 02-08-2017, 10:43 AM
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Wilkes, I do appreciate what you are trying to do, but do you take care of yourself?
Don't forget you can't take care of someone unless you take of yourself first. Take the time to adjust.
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  #140  
Old 02-08-2017, 01:55 PM
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Raf's Girl; Wilkes, I do appreciate what you are trying to do, but do you take care of yourself?

I'm taking better care of myself now, thanks.

Don't forget you can't take care of someone unless you take of yourself first.

That's true. I have someone now.

Take the time to adjust.

Every day's a little better.
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  #141  
Old 02-09-2017, 01:17 AM
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I love your honesty, I know this is very difficult for you but you are handling it all extremely well. I'm sure Tammy didn't tell your daughter about her relationship to go behind your back and hurt you in any way, honestly the age group she was involved with prior to her arrest is probably the age group she relates with and I am guessing she was talking to your daughter like a friend would in high school. There is some psychological stuff going on there and I'm sure you are aware of that. I know that's why you are probably very protective too.
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  #142  
Old 02-09-2017, 12:32 PM
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Sean'sGirl82: I love your honesty, I know this is very difficult for you but you are handling it all extremely well.

I wish somebody gave seminars for outmates on handling relationship issues. I hate having to guess what to do. I should be better at it than I am after all this time.

I'm sure Tammy didn't tell your daughter about her relationship to go behind your back and hurt you in any way,

I never thought that. I figured it's girl and girl or mom and daughter stuff.

honestly the age group she was involved with prior to her arrest is probably the age group she relates with and I am guessing she was talking to your daughter like a friend would in high school.


That never occurred to me! but you're probably right! Sarah was about the age of Tammy's "victims" and she's a little older than Tammy was when she was arrested. I've read that being inside can keep people from maturing past the point they were at when they went in. That's rel food for thought!

There is some psychological stuff going on there and I'm sure you are aware of that.

There definitely is and I'm excluded from it.

I know that's why you are probably very protective too.

Absolutely! Tammy was damaged badly and there's no way she can ever recover as long as she's inside.
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  #143  
Old 02-12-2017, 12:16 PM
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This thread has been dragging out for entirely too long. at this point, I think Wilkes just wants attention or needs friends. everyone is literally saying the same thing and becoming personal counselors. you are a grown man, you will ultimately do what you want to do. please stop acting like you are really taking our advice. you knu the situation was effed up and absurd when you brought it to us, I think you just want to get a rise out of us at this point. it seems as if you are perfectly comfortable with the way this 'relationship' is going, if its even real. I see so many authors come here in search of material for new books, cant help but feel like you may be an author or psychologist.
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  #144  
Old 02-12-2017, 01:21 PM
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This thread has been dragging out for entirely too long. at this point, I think Wilkes just wants attention or needs friends. everyone is literally saying the same thing and becoming personal counselors. you are a grown man, you will ultimately do what you want to do. please stop acting like you are really taking our advice. you knu the situation was effed up and absurd when you brought it to us, I think you just want to get a rise out of us at this point. it seems as if you are perfectly comfortable with the way this 'relationship' is going, if its even real. I see so many authors come here in search of material for new books, cant help but feel like you may be an author or psychologist.
I dont think the OP is either of those things and the discussion will go on until it runs its natural course.
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  #145  
Old 02-13-2017, 08:16 AM
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This thread has been dragging out for entirely too long. at this point, I think Wilkes just wants attention or needs friends. everyone is literally saying the same thing and becoming personal counselors. you are a grown man, you will ultimately do what you want to do. please stop acting like you are really taking our advice. you knu the situation was effed up and absurd when you brought it to us, I think you just want to get a rise out of us at this point. it seems as if you are perfectly comfortable with the way this 'relationship' is going, if its even real. I see so many authors come here in search of material for new books, cant help but feel like you may be an author or psychologist.
I have considered advice I received. Some has helped me put things in perspective. I don't remember demanding that anyone reply to this thread. If you feel negatively about it, please ignore it. I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted about your claim that I'm an author or psychologist. For the record, I'm good with math. I'm an engineer.
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  #146  
Old 02-13-2017, 08:18 AM
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I dont think the OP is either of those things and the discussion will go on until it runs its natural course.
Thanks for your support, maytayah. I appreciate it.
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  #147  
Old 02-13-2017, 11:01 AM
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This thread has been dragging out for entirely too long. at this point, I think Wilkes just wants attention or needs friends. everyone is literally saying the same thing and becoming personal counselors. you are a grown man, you will ultimately do what you want to do. please stop acting like you are really taking our advice. you knu the situation was effed up and absurd when you brought it to us, I think you just want to get a rise out of us at this point. it seems as if you are perfectly comfortable with the way this 'relationship' is going, if its even real. I see so many authors come here in search of material for new books, cant help but feel like you may be an author or psychologist.
Don't know how much you deal with trolls or authors, but we generally manage them on this site. Waiting Wilkes hasn't struck any of us as inauthentic.
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Old 02-13-2017, 12:14 PM
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I have considered advice I received. Some has helped me put things in perspective. I don't remember demanding that anyone reply to this thread. If you feel negatively about it, please ignore it. I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted about your claim that I'm an author or psychologist. For the record, I'm good with math. I'm an engineer.
Agreed. Wilkes has been pretty straight-forward about his situation. As for whether or not he considers the advice...he does. This is a place where he is welcome to respond to advice given and give his take. It's part of his processing process (I know, redundancy, but that's really what it is.) In therapy...the sign of a good therapist and a patient who's health is improving is someone who's able to take a bit of advice from the therapist and then sort of talk themselves through the issue. That's essentially what Wilkes is doing. It's a healthy coping skill, and in a way exactly the sort of thing we are here for when someone has an unexpected issue with an LO in prison. The hope is that long-term both he and Tammy will benefit from him seeking advice in this forum regardless of what they each decide about their relationship at this time or down the road. There's a lot of care there....sometimes someone can hurt you or catch you entirely off-guard and you can still decide to stand by them.

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