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Old 08-16-2016, 08:59 AM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is offline
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Default How would you feel if your LO had a sexual relationship with another inmate

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Old 08-16-2016, 09:11 AM
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Your LO has probably mentioned fellow prisoners who are gay or "gay for the stay/straight for the gate". How would you about feel about it if she had a sexual relationship with someone inside. Would you want her to tell you if she did? Would it change the way you feel about her? Would it change your relationship or what you expect from/with her after she gets out?
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Old 08-17-2016, 06:46 PM
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There are similar threads to this one in the Boyfriends/Husbands forum and from what I can see, the conversations all begin to flow in the same direction: what we think men do, what we're told men do, what we think woman do and what we're told women do.

The OP asked how YOU would feel if YOUR partner engaged in sexual relations with another INMATE.

Not about men or women we aren't partnered with, not about inmates and COs, not about rampant STDs (unless you definitively tying it to your personal argument about your partner) and not about stats not one person has sourced-- and please don't, we've moved on. This topic is always going to be controversial and I believe that most people are adult enough to handle it. Please prove that. Now...

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Your LO has probably mentioned fellow prisoners who are gay or "gay for the stay/straight for the gate". How would you about feel about it if she had a sexual relationship with someone inside. Would you want her to tell you if she did? Would it change the way you feel about her? Would it change your relationship or what you expect from/with her after she gets out?
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Old 08-19-2016, 08:33 PM
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...How would you about feel about it if she had a sexual relationship with someone inside. Would you want her to tell you if she did? Would it change the way you feel about her? Would it change your relationship or what you expect from/with her after she gets out?
My MWI has the green light. Listen...I have no real idea what she goes through but the more I find out...the more I wish I didn't know. I don't want that to sound like I have my head in the sand just that it's hard when I'm out here and can't do anything to help...other than be here when she calls...to write and to visit. I do all of that of course. She doesn't tell me details but I have asked her how they can...get together. She's told me that she has sex there with other women. I am fine with it. She's inside...and any comfort she can get is up to her. I don't need her to tell me every time she has sex. Just knowing she does...is enough and I'm glad she gets some enjoyment there. I don't need details. Once she's out? No, it won't change our relationship because I've known this from the beginning...or almost the beginning. Honestly...because I'm 33 years older than she is...it's a bit of a comfort she is bi. I know I won't be able to satisfy her sexually so knowing she enjoys women and that she has the green light from me both inside and once she's out...helps us both. We've talked about it all...and I'll just say that anything else I may write here is just TMI and not sticking with the original poster's question. ;-)
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Old 08-20-2016, 09:05 AM
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My MWI has the green light. Listen...I have no real idea what she goes through but the more I find out...the more I wish I didn't know. I don't want that to sound like I have my head in the sand just that it's hard when I'm out here and can't do anything to help...other than be here when she calls...to write and to visit. I do all of that of course. She doesn't tell me details but I have asked her how they can...get together. She's told me that she has sex there with other women. I am fine with it. She's inside...and any comfort she can get is up to her. I don't need her to tell me every time she has sex. Just knowing she does...is enough and I'm glad she gets some enjoyment there. I don't need details. Once she's out? No, it won't change our relationship because I've known this from the beginning...or almost the beginning. Honestly...because I'm 33 years older than she is...it's a bit of a comfort she is bi. I know I won't be able to satisfy her sexually so knowing she enjoys women and that she has the green light from me both inside and once she's out...helps us both. We've talked about it all...and I'll just say that anything else I may write here is just TMI and not sticking with the original poster's question. ;-)
Al
Your positive, open relationship should make her time go by more easily as well as make things work for both of you when she comes home . Secrets fester. Openness keeps things positive. My wife and I are completely candid about everything. I understand why you don't want to know too much about your LO's daily life inside and the challenges she has to deal with. Knowing details like how dirty the showers are, what high starch junk passes for prison food, etc. is painful but I want to know. It makes me feel closer to her and helps me empathize when she's feeling moody or oppressed.



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Old 08-20-2016, 11:39 AM
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[...] Honestly...because I'm 33 years older than she is...it's a bit of a comfort she is bi. I know I won't be able to satisfy her sexually so knowing she enjoys women and that she has the green light from me both inside and once she's out...helps us both. [...]
Curious, and I apologize if this appears to pry...but when you say you won't be able to satisfy her, are you referring to her attraction to women?
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Old 08-20-2016, 04:22 PM
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Curious, and I apologize if this appears to pry...but when you say you won't be able to satisfy her, are you referring to her attraction to women?
Dang it Miamac...you just had to ask. ;-) Ok, here it is. I mean I'm 59 and will be 63 when she gets out. My little fellow down below has his problems. I have plenty of ability between the ears and would love to be her "Don Juan" but I'm afraid there is no way I'll be able to sexually satisfy her since she'll be 30 on her release. My brain will want sex 5 times a day but the little guy will just go, "Eh...try me next week...then...maybe". Ok Miamac...I hope that answers your question. I'm not referring to her attraction to women. I like that and I know that will continue. I know that with my lack of sexual ability she'll have to have other outlets. Her attraction to other women is one of those and I support that. This is something we've discussed...and we even write fantasies to one another which offer various sexual twists along the way. It's a way of saying what she/I might want to do to give her the satisfaction she'll desire but that I alone will never be able to provide. We've both made it clear that although we both are ok with playing with others...neither of us will ever be ok with anything done behind the others' back.

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Old 08-20-2016, 05:15 PM
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Dang it Miamac...you just had to ask. ;-) [...]
LOL, Al...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go there. I was mostly curious because you mentioned her bisexuality.

I have had relationships with both men and women and what's interesting to me is that I don't need sex with a person of the other gender when I'm with...well, the other. In other words, I am married to a biological male. I'm completely content with that. I don't feel a big absence in my life not being with a woman. And when I was with a woman, same-same.

In my mind that's like saying, well...I'm super attracted to tall people but also blondes. My partner is blonde, but short. So I'll have to fulfill my attraction to tall people outside my relationship.

Standard disclaimer: that's me, not trying to define sexuality for anyone else.
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Old 08-16-2016, 12:01 PM
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She's allowed. I made this pretty clear early on. There are certain needs that I can't meet, and we have limits on how much we can speak, so she's green-lit to find whatever comfort is necessary in there. It does not change our relationship, talking about the situation actually has strengthened it, and as for once she gets out, she understands that staying with me or not is a choice so we'll do what's best for us. I love her, we've made a commitment to each other, but I don't feel I "own" her or that she "owes" me. Whatever is going on with her in there, that's up to her. We talk. In our case it brings us closer together which strikes some people as odd, but I always counter with the bit about I can't meet those needs and, in another sense, it gives her a freedom to express herself and have emotional support and intimacy and in a way discover more about herself.

There are some things in life that are beyond my control. Why fight them? I've taken an area of possible static and turned it into a place of comfort and understanding. I think to have done otherwise would have ruined the relationship a long time ago.

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Old 08-16-2016, 01:05 PM
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She's allowed. I made this pretty clear early on. There are certain needs that I can't meet, and we have limits on how much we can speak, so she's green-lit to find whatever comfort is necessary in there. It does not change our relationship, talking about the situation actually has strengthened it, and as for once she gets out, she understands that staying with me or not is a choice so we'll do what's best for us. I love her, we've made a commitment to each other, but I don't feel I "own" her or that she "owes" me. Whatever is going on with her in there, that's up to her. We talk. In our case it brings us closer together which strikes some people as odd, but I always counter with the bit about I can't meet those needs and, in another sense, it gives her a freedom to express herself and have emotional support and intimacy and in a way discover more about herself.

There are some things in life that are beyond my control. Why fight them? I've taken an area of possible static and turned it into a place of comfort and understanding. I think to have done otherwise would have ruined the relationship a long time ago.

-E
You and I think alike and our relationships with our ladies is similar, except Tammy is the one who suggested that I date. Similarly, "talking about the situation actually has strengthened [the relationship]," holds for us as well. I'm careful not to rub her nose in it or make her feel threatened when we talk about it. It was hard for her to handle in the beginning but she's OK with it now. In fact, she's interested in ALL the details.

Dee's lucky you're mature enough to let her be herself without complaint. I'd reciprocate with Tammy if she told me she found someone she especially likes. I'd worry if she gt into a sexual relationship, though. We'd be in a real mess if she got caught and lost visits, phone, etc. I'd also worry that she might get hurt if she fell in love with the other woman and something happened, which, judging by what she's told me about the drama inside, always eventually does to couples there.

Our SOs are subject rules unlike those they lived by before, written and unwritten, official and "understood." Different skills and outlooks are required of them, even if only to establish "protective coloration." Judging them by the rules we have out here would be totally unfair to them. They have a right to do what they need to do.
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Old 08-16-2016, 11:08 PM
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She's allowed. I made this pretty clear early on. There are certain needs that I can't meet, and we have limits on how much we can speak, so she's green-lit to find whatever comfort is necessary in there. It does not change our relationship, talking about the situation actually has strengthened it, and as for once she gets out, she understands that staying with me or not is a choice so we'll do what's best for us. I love her, we've made a commitment to each other, but I don't feel I "own" her or that she "owes" me. Whatever is going on with her in there, that's up to her. We talk. In our case it brings us closer together which strikes some people as odd, but I always counter with the bit about I can't meet those needs and, in another sense, it gives her a freedom to express herself and have emotional support and intimacy and in a way discover more about herself.

There are some things in life that are beyond my control. Why fight them? I've taken an area of possible static and turned it into a place of comfort and understanding. I think to have done otherwise would have ruined the relationship a long time ago.

-E
That is exactly how I see it. Women are different from men and once they are behind the walls, all of the rules go out the window. Sexuality in women's prisons is unique to each facility. Even within the same DOC system. But one thing holds true, the vast majority of women engage in affairs behind the wire. Even if they are married.

While it is true that there are some who will not engage (about 20%), even a certain percentage of those women will do so if their sentence is long enough. This is where the term "gay for the stay" originates. As the population is only about 1.5 to 2% homosexual from the outside, they resent the straight women who turn stud inside and drain attention away from them while they are down. The woman who told me that was one such person who wasn't too happy about the situation, but she then laughed and told me that prison was a lesbian's paradise because nearly all women were gay inside.

In her opinion, even conjugal visits wouldn't make a dent in the sex going on inside a women's prison. The girls would be with their husbands and then come right back to their lover inside. That's because it is more than just a physical need being met, and because she is spending the vast majority of her time with women and not her man. That's the reality of the situation.

My lady has been down for 21 years and has the rest of her life to go. How could I deny her another's touch? Especially as I can never be there for her in that way. We don't discuss it, but I would never condemn her for seeking another woman to share herself with. That would be the height of selfishness in my estimation. Even if she had a release date, I don't think that I would see it any differently.

I only get to speak with her for forty minutes a week and I only get to visit with her for an hour and a half each month. Aside from emails and letters, that's it. So about four hours a month is all that she and I can get to spend together, not counting the letters and email. That isn't a lot of time. So is it really any wonder that so many seek companionship inside? But even that is chaotic.

The prison staff breaks up couples inside, snitches also see to it that there is little longevity to relationships. Love between women is fleeting and frenzied as couples are broken up and separated only to reform with someone new in another dorm. In that environment, emotions are extremely intense and women are dated and bedded quickly. Another inmate said that love in prison sucks for those very reasons. Is it any wonder that stability is the one thing in short supply behind bars?

These are the things that nobody wants to talk about because they would rather not know. There is very little romance in the sex that takes place inside. You have to arrange a look out, you have to arrange a time and place, you have to warm up beforehand, and then get it on with your lover. And last, but not least, you generally only have 3 to 5 minutes to complete the act. It's a lot different from how it's shown in the movies.

From my point of view, I choose to accept and understand what my woman has to deal with. I would much rather she be comforted and cared for inside rather than to be miserable and alone. Love isn't selfish and it isn't about the one who loves. It is about the one who is loved and what is best for them. That's my two cents worth.
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Old 08-16-2016, 03:20 PM
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I sometimes confuse the use of "SO" (which elsewhere stands for Significant Other) for LO, which means essentially the same thing here. I realize that's confusing. I'll do my best to use LO except when I actually mean Sex Offender.
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Old 08-16-2016, 03:56 PM
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Well in my case my LO is my husband and I would absolutely not be OK with him have sexual relations with another inmate if you know what I mean. He's a straight man who has never been gay for the stay so to speak. And I'm definitely not OK with him having sex with any female either. In the past when he was single he did have a sexual relationship with the rec...lady and she was married with three kids. What a pig. She turned out to be his parole officer and it continued until I met him and then he brought me to her office once and she was pissed. Let's just say we requested a transfer immediately so she wouldn't purposely violate him. I don't think men should be allowed to work in a female prison or vice versa .....only at the front desk where they check in people is about it.
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Old 08-16-2016, 04:03 PM
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Well in my case my LO is my husband and I would absolutely not be OK with him have sexual relations with another inmate if you know what I mean. He's a straight man who has never been gay for the stay so to speak. And I'm definitely not OK with him having sex with any female either. In the past when he was single he did have a sexual relationship with the rec...lady and she was married with three kids. What a pig. She turned out to be his parole officer and it continued until I met him and then he brought me to her office once and she was pissed. Let's just say we requested a transfer immediately so she wouldn't purposely violate him. I don't think men should be allowed to work in a female prison or vice versa .....only at the front desk where they check in people is about it.
When my man was in Rikers Island he used to have sex with the female cos and he also used to have sex at Fishkill Correctional - he even had something going on with a co at the county jail.. Smh...we weren't together but he went back to the county when he caught his violation and the co would always give me dirty looks. His time is WAY too short for me to be ok with him messing around.
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Old 08-17-2016, 02:13 PM
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Well in my case my LO is my husband and I would absolutely not be OK with him have sexual relations with another inmate if you know what I mean. He's a straight man who has never been gay for the stay so to speak. And I'm definitely not OK with him having sex with any female either. In the past when he was single he did have a sexual relationship with the rec...lady and she was married with three kids. What a pig. She turned out to be his parole officer and it continued until I met him and then he brought me to her office once and she was pissed. Let's just say we requested a transfer immediately so she wouldn't purposely violate him. I don't think men should be allowed to work in a female prison or vice versa .....only at the front desk where they check in people is about it.
I have mixed feelings about opposite gender correctional staffs. There's one proven benefit, though. Men's prisons employing female COs have fewer incidents of violence according to a credible study.
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Old 12-27-2016, 05:38 PM
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Well in my case my LO is my husband and I would absolutely not be OK with him have sexual relations with another inmate if you know what I mean. He's a straight man who has never been gay for the stay so to speak. And I'm definitely not OK with him having sex with any female either. In the past when he was single he did have a sexual relationship with the rec...lady and she was married with three kids. What a pig. She turned out to be his parole officer and it continued until I met him and then he brought me to her office once and she was pissed. Let's just say we requested a transfer immediately so she wouldn't purposely violate him. I don't think men should be allowed to work in a female prison or vice versa .....only at the front desk where they check in people is about it.
I agree with you all the way no man should ever be hired to work in a females correctional facility I served 5 years in Florida don't get me wrong not all of them are power crazy sexist pigs we always got the nice caring one now and again men are not to be trusted in a position of power over women in my view
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Old 12-28-2016, 11:20 AM
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I agree with you all the way no man should ever be hired to work in a females correctional facility I served 5 years in Florida don't get me wrong not all of them are power crazy sexist pigs we always got the nice caring one now and again men are not to be trusted in a position of power over women in my view
I'm so grateful there are female COs and auxiliary staff in my husband's facility. I don't want to lean too heavily on gender roles here, but the inmates benefit from the balance it provides. Not all men are abrasive, not all women are maternal, but it does create some balance. And that's not even touching the ways having contact/exposure to a single-gender would work against long-term offenders potential for reintegration.
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Old 12-28-2016, 03:47 PM
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If my guy had been with another inmate I would be devastated. He expects full loyalty from me out here which I keep up to and he would never accept me cheating on him, so I don't think i would be able to forgive him, I still view it as cheating if he did that. He would break the trust in our relationship and that is what is the most important and helps to keep us together in this circumstance
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Old 12-28-2016, 04:52 PM
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I'm so grateful there are female COs and auxiliary staff in my husband's facility. I don't want to lean too heavily on gender roles here, but the inmates benefit from the balance it provides. Not all men are abrasive, not all women are maternal, but it does create some balance. And that's not even touching the ways having contact/exposure to a single-gender would work against long-term offenders potential for reintegration.
Statistics show men's prisons where there are women COs are less violent. That should be something everyone wants.
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Old 08-16-2016, 04:59 PM
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I guess it comes down to each case being different. In Dee's case, I had a certain understanding of what she was like, what her marriage had been like, made some observations about her, noticed how she was with females and how females were toward her even before she got locked up. As soon as it became apparent she was going to be down a while I spoke up and said it was okay. And she said "no way, I'm not interested in women." I looked at her, laughed and said "but they're interested in you, and you like the attention. Eventually, it's going to happen. And it doesn't mean you aren't straight out here, but you gotta understand, it's different in there in all regards, that one included."

I think it would have been harder for me as an MBI if what I knew her to be before she went in was timid, non-flirtatious, avoidant of women.....Dee tends to welcome the attention, and her body language toward other women she was locked up with was welcoming when I saw her with them in visiting (since they'd line us up 10 to a row in County and then again in the visiting room once she got to State Prison.)

So I decided not to fight it. Eventually things did happen and we dealt with that when it came up and basically because of my approach I took what was an embarrassing thing for her to admit and something that had her questioning a lot of things about herself, her sexuality, her ability to remain faithful, etc. into something much more positive. I won't go into all the various specifics, but I will say one of her "buddies" and I actually became pretty good friends. She was very respectful of me, actually very apologetic, and very shocked when I said "it's cool, I know, but thank you for being honest about it, that means something to me."

By no means do I think this would work for everyone. But it works for us. And I think that it's a big part of why we have a lot of positive momentum and a strong commitment as she gets ready to come home.

-E
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Old 08-17-2016, 02:21 PM
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I guess it comes down to each case being different. In Dee's case, I had a certain understanding of what she was like, what her marriage had been like, made some observations about her, noticed how she was with females and how females were toward her even before she got locked up. As soon as it became apparent she was going to be down a while I spoke up and said it was okay. And she said "no way, I'm not interested in women." I looked at her, laughed and said "but they're interested in you, and you like the attention. Eventually, it's going to happen. And it doesn't mean you aren't straight out here, but you gotta understand, it's different in there in all regards, that one included."

I think it would have been harder for me as an MBI if what I knew her to be before she went in was timid, non-flirtatious, avoidant of women.....Dee tends to welcome the attention, and her body language toward other women she was locked up with was welcoming when I saw her with them in visiting (since they'd line us up 10 to a row in County and then again in the visiting room once she got to State Prison.)

So I decided not to fight it. Eventually things did happen and we dealt with that when it came up and basically because of my approach I took what was an embarrassing thing for her to admit and something that had her questioning a lot of things about herself, her sexuality, her ability to remain faithful, etc. into something much more positive. I won't go into all the various specifics, but I will say one of her "buddies" and I actually became pretty good friends. She was very respectful of me, actually very apologetic, and very shocked when I said "it's cool, I know, but thank you for being honest about it, that means something to me."

By no means do I think this would work for everyone. But it works for us. And I think that it's a big part of why we have a lot of positive momentum and a strong commitment as she gets ready to come home.

-E
All of us are making the best of bad situations in our own ways. Our LOs have very little to take the edge off being confined. "Going with the flow" beats fighting a losing battle with nature. Our acknowledgement and acceptance that things are different inside go a long way toward making relationships work.
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Old 08-16-2016, 05:57 PM
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My husband and I each knew from jump the quickest way to divorce was to step out on the other. Period end of story, no oops, no I was drunk, no buts- sorry it was a deal breaker.
It wasn't any problem at all for either one of us.
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Old 08-16-2016, 06:09 PM
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My husband and I stick with our vows and I'm not worried one bit that he would ever cheat on me. His past is his past. And mine is mine. Everyone has a different relationship and even if he had ten years I wouldn't cheat ever and I know he would do the same. Sex is sex true but when your in love with someone you can go without long enough until you can be with that person.
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Old 08-17-2016, 01:45 AM
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I'll point out that it's interesting....not just here but on other threads......women almost unanimously are opposed to their men being involved sexually with another inmate. Men on the other hand seem to be more permissive of it. Now, I personally am not stepping out. Others do have permission.

I am not sure why there's a gender difference exactly. I don't think it's an issue of us men being "dogs" so to speak because clearly we are all very much in love with and very supportive of our women. I was having a terrible day today and 15 minutes on the phone with Dee completely lit up my world. We are a team in all regards except one right now and that's going to cease to be an issue in exactly 4 months (and a few hours.)

Anyone have any thoughts on the gender gap?

-E
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Old 08-17-2016, 09:08 AM
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I'll point out that it's interesting....not just here but on other threads......women almost unanimously are opposed to their men being involved sexually with another inmate. Men on the other hand seem to be more permissive of it. Now, I personally am not stepping out. Others do have permission.

I am not sure why there's a gender difference exactly. I don't think it's an issue of us men being "dogs" so to speak because clearly we are all very much in love with and very supportive of our women. I was having a terrible day today and 15 minutes on the phone with Dee completely lit up my world. We are a team in all regards except one right now and that's going to cease to be an issue in exactly 4 months (and a few hours.)

Anyone have any thoughts on the gender gap?

-E
If I had to call it, I would say that the difference is biological rather than cultural or psychological. Women only have one egg, men have a heck of a lot of sperm. Add in that for a woman, sex is never just sex. Every time that a woman engages in a sexual act with another (male or female), her body releases hormones that bond her to that person. This happens whether she wants it to or not. Therefore, the more sexual contact with that individual, the greater the bond.

These things tend to play in the psychology. So she is more likely to be opposed to her mate indulging with someone other than herself because of that experience. After all, we do tend to see the world through our own experience of it. It isn't really selfish, because she was programmed that way by nature in order to protect her relationship. Remember, there was a time when not having a man would greatly affect a woman's ability to survive. Men not so much.

Because we produce sperm in abundance, we try to spread it around. So nature didn't install as strong a bonding system in us as it did the women in regard to sex. If it did, we wouldn't try to disseminate our genes so widely. Therefore, we tend to take a more liberal view of the matter. Another likely component is the sexual interest that men express with women who engage in lesbian sex. For a lot of men, that isn't seen as a detractor.

That's not to say that men are as supportive of their mates sleeping with other men. Far from it. For that we return to biology. If you are cuckolded, you don't really know if your kids are your own or belong to another man. So we tend to get sporty about it. So while it is mostly alright for our women to engage with other women, it is definitely not alright for them to do so with other men.

Of course, there are a great many variances, but I think that those are the broad strokes.

Last edited by Thorfin; 08-17-2016 at 09:28 AM..
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