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Coming Home Dedicated to discussions about our loved ones that are coming home soon. Discussions here should not fit any other category.

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Old 05-22-2013, 02:41 PM
afriendofjay afriendofjay is offline
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Default How do I get confidence in myself to move into a sexual relationship?

Hey there, well my man is out in two weeks . I have been his best friend for 4 years and while he has been inside over the last 2 years we became boyfriend/girlfriend. He is coming to live with me.

Because he's been inside we've only been able to kiss and touch a bit here and there at the socials. Of course we've talked about, written about and fantasized about when he gets out.

Thing is. I'm REALLY not digging my body. I feel so lumpy and gross. I wanted to lose like 20 or 30 pounds before he got out but, of course, I didn't and now I'm staring down the calendar wondering - what will happen if he hates my body? How do I get confidence in myself to move into a sexual relationship? I mean, he must know somewhat what I look like naked from some of the pictures I've sent him and well, just being around me, hugging me, etc...

GAH. I'm almost paralyzed by this fear!

Anyone in the same boat? Experienced this?

FWIW I am pretty curvy and he's quite lean.... I guess that adds to my concerns since I know a couple of his exes and they are very petite.
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Old 05-22-2013, 02:56 PM
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Lady Raven Lady Raven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afriendofjay View Post
Hey there, well my man is out in two weeks . I have been his best friend for 4 years and while he has been inside over the last 2 years we became boyfriend/girlfriend. He is coming to live with me.

Because he's been inside we've only been able to kiss and touch a bit here and there at the socials. Of course we've talked about, written about and fantasized about when he gets out.

Thing is. I'm REALLY not digging my body. I feel so lumpy and gross. I wanted to lose like 20 or 30 pounds before he got out but, of course, I didn't and now I'm staring down the calendar wondering - what will happen if he hates my body? How do I get confidence in myself to move into a sexual relationship? I mean, he must know somewhat what I look like naked from some of the pictures I've sent him and well, just being around me, hugging me, etc...

GAH. I'm almost paralyzed by this fear!

Anyone in the same boat? Experienced this?

FWIW I am pretty curvy and he's quite lean.... I guess that adds to my concerns since I know a couple of his exes and they are very petite.
I had an experience like this with my man early in our relationship when he was gone for a year on a previous bid. When he got out, I was plagued with insecurities about my body and us "finally" getting together for the first time . I quickly learned that he thought I was beautiful in all ways-inside and out-and my confidence soared!!! He loved all the things about me that I didn't think was so hot, but he taught me how to look past the surface to get to the inside, you know? It's not the size you are, skinny or plump, it's the way you handle your confidence. I've known plenty of skinny minny's that think they are "So fat" and "So ugly" even though their looking great.

Go get a cute outfit, get your nails/hair done, play around with a hairstyle you like. I bet he will be the happiest man in the world when he sets his eyes on you in 2 weeks! And if you still feel insecure, why don't you workout together when he gets home? Have him show you all those exercise moves! Good Luck
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Old 05-22-2013, 03:14 PM
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sex is the physical expression of the intimacy you have created with him throughout all of the visits, calls and letters. Not only does he know your body, he knows you. There's really only one way to get around this--talk with him. Let him know about your insecurities and what you need from him to feel better. Chances are, he's worried about performing to measure up to your expectations. Let's face it, a great deal of pressure has been building throughout your relationship to get you to the first time...maybe set an agreement that you don't have to sex that first day or week...and that way it can happen when you want it to rather than when it is expected.

I completely understand being worried about disappointing him. My body is not one that I am proud and harbor every known insecurity. When I can get over myself, relax, and truly be with my man, we are both better off. Relax and breathe. You will be fine.
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Old 05-22-2013, 03:53 PM
afriendofjay afriendofjay is offline
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Hm I like that... my mind wants to do it right away but my insecurities want me to wait wait wait...

I know we agreed to wait to get really "busy" until after we report to his PO just so that we don't get caught up and become late. Hhaa. One of the girlfriends I drive down with told me to at least make him take me out on a date first. I sorta like that idea but not sure how to approach him with it. Honesty has always worked in our relationship... I guess I just don't want to come off as insecure because I know that confidence is much sexier and I don't want to add to his own insecurities with mine.
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Old 05-22-2013, 04:00 PM
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BE HONEST! Screw what you should and shouldn't be and be how you are! Sure, confidence is sexy. But nothing beats honesty and truthfulness. If you are looking for a quick roll, then do whatever--but if you are looking for a relationship, you need to continue to do the work, which means talking even when you don't feel like it. Tell him you have been considering all of the pressure on both of you and you want to make this first experience as comfortable and true to the two of you as you can...suggest going out to dinner and relaxing a little, rather than just jumping into bed. Share your concerns. If he is worthy of you he will listen to you and discuss it. If he isn't, he'll be a jerk. Better to know from the start, right? Besides, you said honesty has always worked. I think it will now.
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Old 05-22-2013, 04:10 PM
afriendofjay afriendofjay is offline
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Good point. Good point! I'm def in for the long haul and have been doing work on communicating even the stuff that is hard for me to communicate and it always works out well. I will talk to him about it tonight when he calls. Wish me luck
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Old 05-22-2013, 04:15 PM
Texas EZ Mom Texas EZ Mom is offline
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Good luck. And believe me, it is not all about how you LOOK. More about how you FEEL. My man was so concerned that he would disappoint me when it comes to us and our "first time again". I almost laughed, but he was really serious. It is not about SEX, it is about me and him and just being together.
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Old 05-24-2013, 03:15 PM
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Be honest with him about how your feeling. He just might have some of his own insecurities.
I know I've gained weight and I hate it! But I'm over 40 and its normal, to a degree. I saw my doctor today and talked to her. She put me on some meds to help me loose weight, along with regular exercise.
I've talked to my babe about it, of course he says I am fine and don't need to loose any. But its more about me and how I feel about it. He's more concerned with his performance the first night home. As well as the extra weight he's gained in there. Lol. We've agreed to help each other exercise when he comes home.
But talk to him, let him know. If you do it for yourself, he'll be your biggest supporter! Best of luck!
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Old 06-17-2013, 04:09 PM
afriendofjay afriendofjay is offline
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Well it was hard for me at first. He made me feel very comfortable and by day 12 in (today) I am extremely comfortable with my man and everything is going very well.

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