MWI: The Homecoming

[Sarianna]

lolo21216 I am genuinely so, so happy for you both Just like Mia said I too enjoy reading your updates, they bring a smile on my face

Also, Happy Easter to y'all -- we have a four day weekend ahead over here and it is very much needed after starting my new job this week; I love the job so far but as always it is quite draining to start from scratch....so a long weekend is very welcome.

[lolo21216]

Originally Posted by Sarianna

lolo21216 I am genuinely so, so happy for you both Just like Mia said I too enjoy reading your updates, they bring a smile on my face

Also, Happy Easter to y'all -- we have a four day weekend ahead over here and it is very much needed after starting my new job this week; I love the job so far but as always it is quite draining to start from scratch....so a long weekend is very welcome.

aw thank you, I'll keep the updates coming!

Happy Easter to you as well! Enjoy the much deserved long weekend!

[lolo21216]

UPDATE: Wow, he has already been out 2 weeks and things are continuing to go well, but it sure has been a whirlwind! Little by little things are getting taken care of in his reentry process.

He has been doing everything required of him for supervised release. He goes to group therapy twice a week, meets one on one with a counselor once a week, goes to AA/NA meetings frequently and he is getting along with his PO. He has gotten health insurance so he can make appointments to take care of stuff that was neglected while in prison (dental work, treatment for hepc, and a shoulder injury), opened up a bank account, got a PO box and today he is going to take his permit test so he can get his drivers license back. He has been spending time with his mom, dad and younger brother. The job search has been difficult with no luck so far but he is trying! Right now his living arrangement is temporary as he has been staying at his moms beach rental house so at the end of May he will be moving to a more permanent place. We do not have plans of living together for at least another year. He has a court date on May 14th for a charge that happened prior to his incarceration, he is hopeful it will just result in a fine and/or probation, but I'm not gonna bother with the guessing game so I'll just wait and see what happens.

Things with our relationships are going great.....but wow Easter was a disaster! I had planned for us to celebrate with my family but instead we ended up in the ER cause he thought something was wrong with his appendix cause he was in severe pain, but turns out it was kidney stones! Not an ideal first holiday LOL but I stuck by him while he was in the ER. He posted on facebook about it saying:

" I am the worst holiday companion ever.

Lauren planned and prepared an awesome day for us to spend with her family and I had to get a Kidney Stone (wtf) and end up in the ER for the bulk of the day. Thankfully she was there by my side through it all. Even when I cried like a baby

There is no one I'm more grateful to have in my life than her.

I Love You Lauren"

I commented saying kidney stones are the worst holiday companion

Hopefully our next holiday will go smoother, ha! But yeah that's the update for now, still crazy in love and just figuring out life together one day at a time!

[Bus Gal]

Long time listener, sometime caller. My MWI husband comes home in 6 days. SIX DAYS. I'm driving out to pick him up and after 9 years, I thought the time would never come. I love him dearly and while I am nervous for him and the changes we'll have to make, I'm super duper excited. Wooooohooooo! He's doing an interstate compact agreement so I will be picking him up at the prison. Knock on wood, this is the last time I will ever visit a prison.

[Sarianna]

Originally Posted by Bus Gal

Long time listener, sometime caller. My MWI husband comes home in 6 days. SIX DAYS. I'm driving out to pick him up and after 9 years, I thought the time would never come. I love him dearly and while I am nervous for him and the changes we'll have to make, I'm super duper excited. Wooooohooooo! He's doing an interstate compact agreement so I will be picking him up at the prison. Knock on wood, this is the last time I will ever visit a prison.

Oh my gosh, I can imagine how excited and emotional and nervous you are! Nine years, wow - this is a life changing moment for you two. I'm so happy for you guys and keeping my fingers crossed for a smooth transition to your new life together! It would be lovely if you could keep us posted on how things go Good luck!!!

[lolo21216]

Originally Posted by Bus Gal

Long time listener, sometime caller. My MWI husband comes home in 6 days. SIX DAYS. I'm driving out to pick him up and after 9 years, I thought the time would never come. I love him dearly and while I am nervous for him and the changes we'll have to make, I'm super duper excited. Wooooohooooo! He's doing an interstate compact agreement so I will be picking him up at the prison. Knock on wood, this is the last time I will ever visit a prison.

WOW! How exciting! My MWI has been home for a month now and let me just say it is both amazing and overwhelming, it's a big change and transition for you both. Just take it day by day and enjoy it, you've both waited so long, you deserve a happy homecoming

[tabbycat007]

Well, it's the evening of Monday 8th July as I write this in Australia. I met my MWI guy, Scott when he was 5 months into a 15 month sentence, so I've knwn him for 10 months. We were introduced by a mutual friend who was locked up with him. We wrote, spoke regularly on the phone and had about 6 or 7 visits in the 10 months I have known him. It's been great! S and I have been like old friends from the start. Three days ago, my waiting came to an end, and I showed up at Long Bay gaol in Sydney at 7AM to pick him up for an early release. After three agonising hours of waiting, he finally got driven out the gate in a little white hatchback by a church volunteer just after 10AM. They beckoned me over and I jumped in the backseat. Scott immediately reached back and grabbed my hand. It was the first time we had ever touched. Last year, I had somehow managed to offend the warden of the place he was at, and she immediately put me on box visits, then, due to a ridiculous comedy of errors, we had two more box visits at the new jail, even though there was no reason for that whatsoever. I have been single since 2012, so I was pretty desperate for cuddles! Anyway, the volunteer parked his car near mine across the road from the gaol and got out and started giving all this stuff to Scott (backpack full of clothes and stuff donated by the church, warm winter coat, a few food items, coffee etc) while I'm standing there on the grass watching, then the church guy starts going into this story about his wife having cancer. OMFG! Can I just touch him now??!!! PLEEEEEASE????!! After about 5 mins of this, I can't take anymore and I turn to Scott and say "Can I have a fucking hug?" at which point, the church guy apologises, and S turns to me and wraps me in his arms and I kind of melt into his chest and it's all pretty blissful and I feel so safe and like all is right in the world now.
Church guy at long last finally drives away and then are more hugs and kisses and I drive us up the road to get breakfast, which S insists on paying for, then we drive to a nearby beach, so he can get his toes in the sand. He's been talking about the beach to me in every second phone call, so I know how keen he is to get there. Next thing I know, he's stripping off to his undies and is diving into the ocean, despite it being the middle of winter! LOL!! It makes my heart so happy to see him free and doing what he wants to do!
After doing a few things in Sydney, including renewing his driver's licence, he drives us the 7 hours north back up here, and we go to sleep in each other's arms and spend our first night together. :-D
Saturday morning...he cooks breakfast for us both, we potter around doing stuff all weekend, shopping, going to the beach, a walk along the breakwater, snuggle into the giant beanbag together to watch a Star Wars movie that he had to catch up on, have some amazingness in the bedroom together! :-D It was all really beautiful and everything I had hoped it would be!!

Then, this morning, I knew I had to drop him at rehab by 2PM, where he would be for 12 weeks as a parole condition. He didn't want to go, and spent the whole day trying his level best to get out of it, including going to his sister's place, where he smoked a cone and I was like "Fuck! Well, it was nice knowing you! I guess you're going back to gaol now?" because I knew they would pee test him on his arrival...but we arrived at the rehab, the staff were all super nice and understanding, and he told them what happened, and they accepted him into the program regardless....To be continued...

[tabbycat007]

So, I am somewhat taken aback by this morning's episode and TBH, I'm not even sure if it was just pot that he had or something else, but I'm about 100% sure that it wasn't heroin, which is the main thing. I feel like I should start going to Al-anon meetings even though I fucking hate 12 step meetings. I find them depressing AF. I don't really feel like sitting around listening to the problems of a bunch of strangers, but I am so totally naive when it comes to drugs that I feel I should educate myself a little, so I can be there for him as best I can.
I also can be kind of a hard-ass Nazi perfectionist at times, and I'm not quite sure now where to draw the line between being there for him, and not taking shit (which so far, has only been one lie) so I'm just gonna go along and try to learn some things that may be useful for us, mostly so that my tendency for being ruthlessly unforgiving doesn't destroy our relationship..

After being told that there would be no visits at rehab for 4 weeks, and no phonecalls for the first 2 weeks, he unexpectedly called me from there about 2 hours after I dropped him off and said that I can come to the NA meetings that he will be at twice a week, despite me not being an addict, so I will actually get to see him in 4 days instead of 4 weeks. I'm pretty stoked about that! So, it may well be a longer road to recovery than I thought it was going to be, but I'm still confident that he can come out the other end of rehab in 12 weeks, and then off parole in 2.5 years. Right now, I still choose him, because it still feels light to do so.
What else is possible now? :-)

[Cutepixie]

Originally Posted by miamac

Which leads me to ask, for those already home:

I do not want to control his money. I want him to learn to manage his funds, but he went in at 19/20 and has been in almost 16 years. He says he wants me to manage the money. I know why, he's afraid he'll blow through it and he probably will. But I don't want to set up a power struggle between his wants and my need to keep us on budget. I've never co-mingled funds with my exes. We each chipped in our share for household costs and then spent according to our incomes for everything else. He doesn't understand that.

How do you do it?

That's an interesting question. I think you could come up with a budget together. Go over what he would be paying and then after let him know you do not want to combine finances or be his accountant. You want him to learn how to budget and will be there as support. So, if you give him what he owes in bills he will know how much he afterwards to spend freely or keep and save. That will be up to him. We all have different habits with money. Obviously it's nice to have cushion but what good is that cushion if you aren't on earth anymore. So I utilize my money to have experiences. Some people consistently put their money away and save. That might be a good place to start. To figure out what kind of spender he was before and what his goals are now.

[Cutepixie]

Originally Posted by tabbycat007

So, I am somewhat taken aback by this morning's episode and TBH, I'm not even sure if it was just pot that he had or something else, but I'm about 100% sure that it wasn't heroin, which is the main thing. I feel like I should start going to Al-anon meetings even though I fucking hate 12 step meetings. I find them depressing AF. I don't really feel like sitting around listening to the problems of a bunch of strangers, but I am so totally naive when it comes to drugs that I feel I should educate myself a little, so I can be there for him as best I can.
I also can be kind of a hard-ass Nazi perfectionist at times, and I'm not quite sure now where to draw the line between being there for him, and not taking shit (which so far, has only been one lie) so I'm just gonna go along and try to learn some things that may be useful for us, mostly so that my tendency for being ruthlessly unforgiving doesn't destroy our relationship..

After being told that there would be no visits at rehab for 4 weeks, and no phonecalls for the first 2 weeks, he unexpectedly called me from there about 2 hours after I dropped him off and said that I can come to the NA meetings that he will be at twice a week, despite me not being an addict, so I will actually get to see him in 4 days instead of 4 weeks. I'm pretty stoked about that! So, it may well be a longer road to recovery than I thought it was going to be, but I'm still confident that he can come out the other end of rehab in 12 weeks, and then off parole in 2.5 years. Right now, I still choose him, because it still feels light to do so.
What else is possible now? :-)

Oh man. Addiction in and of itself for the person going through it is like constantly digging a hole with your bare hands. Feeling ever bit of the dirt that you are digging and digging such a large hole that you will feel stuck. No light in your hole. No ladder to get out but you just keep digging. Addiction is terrible. I was a heroin addict for around 7 years. You can love someone but know what they are doing is destructive and the unfortunate part is that they will drag you down in that hole with them. Find every tool you can. Find online support groups. You do not have to go to alanon but it would be a great place to meet other's. There's also groups like celebrate recovery that do not have the 12 step process. The best advice I can give you...is stand firm in your boundaries. Do not enable poor behavior thinking you are doing someone a favor. Be mindful of everything you do with this person until you recognize they have embraced recovery. Boundaries are going to be your best friend. Make sure you have self-care because you yourself can get lost in this process. Boundaries means standing your ground. Addicts have to do a complete overhaul of who they are because you will take those poor uneffective behaviors and put them in other areas of your life if you do not heal and change properly. I also worked in addiction and treatment for years. I taught new skills and proper ways to heal. This needs to be taken very seriously and one of the things you can think about is not only how I can be of support and love to help be an effective changing factor but that if this person chooses to go back finding it in you to cut the chord to not get sucked in to. And, please know that does not mean you do not love the person, it just means you are saying, "I love you and myself enough to not go down with you". Not easily done. Love can be blinding but be strong. I am putting out good energy for you and your situation and hope that things will work out for you both.

[408MoonGem]

I had a great long weekend with my husband, but after 3 nights and 4 days with him, I was ready to go home. I am definitely one of those whom require personal alone time / personal space - he now realizes just how particular we each are and that being around each other all day and night DAYS AT A TIME is NOT safe for our sanity, lol.

My drive home was 3 hours, after unpacking all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, watch movies and eat snacks... without ANY interruptions...so I text hubby that I was home, was going to clean up and then "relax". When hubby called an hour later I was like, aargggg WHHHAAAT... I just spent days with you, give me a break!! I didn't say that, but I did think it which made me feel guilty and I HATED that feeling!

I love and adore him! I'm just receiving an overload of him, which is new and can be overwhelming.. I am receiving some really good advice from my closest friends - to set up times where I am not available to him - I feel bad, but I have to set this up, I have to get back into my routine and provide phone calls / video calls up at specific times otherwise I'm going to continue to feel out of wack and grow resentful. He does know and understand that I require alone time yet I think it places uncomfortable / undesirable thoughts in his mind. I'm certain this will pass and that when we live together he'll feel better about things. Right now our distance and his inalienably to drive is very frustrating to him, understandably.

I sure am thankful that he wasn't allowed to parole straight home - being in a Transitional Housing Unit sure does aid in; independence, accountability, and overall acclimating into society. At first we were like, why the hell do lifers have to go through this, but we get it now... there is a defiant need for the individual to be independent - there is great reason behind the madness

[408MoonGem]

Originally Posted by 408MoonGem

I'm just receiving an overload of him, which is new and can be overwhelming

I just wanted to add that... in prison Jr was sure of himself, out here he isn't. It's heavy when they relay so much on you yet it's probably very uncomfortable when they don't... I'm confused and worried...over my reactions

[Peacefinder]

Originally Posted by 408MoonGem

I just wanted to add that... in prison Jr was sure of himself, out here he isn't. It's heavy when they relay so much on you yet it's probably very uncomfortable when they don't... I'm confused and worried...over my reactions

It has to be a very different scary complicated relationship now compared to then.

I can't imagine the sudden complete change in everything.

Hopefully you both get use to the new normal smoothly.

[miamac]

Originally Posted by 408MoonGem

My drive home was 3 hours, after unpacking all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, watch movies and eat snacks... without ANY interruptions...so I text hubby that I was home, was going to clean up and then "relax". When hubby called an hour later I was like, aargggg WHHHAAAT... I just spent days with you, give me a break!! I didn't say that, but I did think it which made me feel guilty and I HATED that feeling!

I love and adore him! I'm just receiving an overload of him, which is new and can be overwhelming.

I anticipate this same feeling. I am (typically) quiet happy with my alone time. One might ask why I got married, but it's not that I like being lonely...I just happened to be someone who is comfortable with herself and being alone to the point where it is a need. I was very busy yesterday "peopling" and when I got home I didn't want to talk to anyone. I took a four hour nap today to recharge. So I'm serious about it. Lol
He and I have talked about this but I don't think the reality of it will sink in until we experience it. He's shown signs of needing to be away from people, too, so I think we'll find a balance. Eventually.

[408MoonGem]

Originally Posted by miamac

I anticipate this same feeling. I am (typically) quiet happy with my alone time. One might ask why I got married, but it's not that I like being lonely...I just happened to be someone who is comfortable with herself and being alone to the point where it is a need. I was very busy yesterday "peopling" and when I got home I didn't want to talk to anyone. I took a four hour nap today to recharge. So I'm serious about it. Lol
He and I have talked about this but I don't think the reality of it will sink in until we experience it. He's shown signs of needing to be away from people, too, so I think we'll find a balance. Eventually.

We know them and know them well when they are in prison ((this... freedom after so many years of incarceration... it's heaviness)). Prison is a world within a world - and somehow the machine of it / a relationship works, we're held on by the seams of it all yet somehow we make it work... I feel crazy!
Jr stepped out of prison into another form of it, so here he is adjusting and it's sad, I feel bad for him... nothing could have prepared me to see him this way or feel so awkward... (he by the measure of others who have transitioned, is doing very well) but still, it's all a very heavy realm that cannot be understood without experiencing it... nothing anyone could have said could have prepared me for this.

We've talked about it and with Mercury in retrograde I'm just relaxing, not stressing anything, making any major plans or agreements until after Mach 10th... time to rejuvenate!

Heavenly ~ 4 hour nap I sure do look forward to your updates

[408MoonGem]

Originally Posted by Peacefinder

It has to be a very different scary complicated relationship now compared to then.

it's strange ~ emotions are wild, they never fail to amaze me.

i look forward to your homecoming updates as well.

[408MoonGem]

Jr's been out 90 days, he's doing well, I am very proud of him! He can't have a license until he completes an 18 month DUI class (he had 2 DUI's before incarceration and the state sticks you to the terms even after serving 2 decades) which is the most irritating issue at hand. We've decided that we are in two very different places / phases of our lives, and in order for us to be the partner the other needs we would require more of ourselves than we can offer right now.*

No one could have prepared us for this MWI transition from locked up relationship to one out here, it's just something we had to go through, feel, experience, and learn from.*

We love each other, still chat / check in.. we'll be apart of each others lives, just removing the focus and label of being married.

[Visitor611]

Originally Posted by 408MoonGem

Jr's been out 90 days, he's doing well, I am very proud of him! He can't have a license until he completes an 18 month DUI class (he had 2 DUI's before incarceration and the state sticks you to the terms even after serving 2 decades) which is the most irritating issue at hand. We've decided that we are in two very different places / phases of our lives, and in order for us to be the partner the other needs we would require more of ourselves than we can offer right now.*

No one could have prepared us for this MWI transition from locked up relationship to one out here, it's just something we had to go through, feel, experience, and learn from.*

We love each other, still chat / check in.. we'll be apart of each others lives, just removing the focus and label of being married.

You waited an awfully long time to make this decision. I'm not sure what you expected for so long, but whatever it is, is vastly different then what you thought. Lots of messages by you, claiming how amazing and great all of this and he was, only to fold the tent in 3 months later. It's a thing though, right? Inmates get out, and find out it doesn't work because of how little time is spent together while they are locked up. It is a recurring theme. You are married, and it technically shouldn't matter at all what he's going through. You make it together and as a team. Lots of people are in "different places" in a marriage. Why'd you even get married in the first place?

[Peacefinder]

I'm so sorry it didn't work out. I hope for the best for both of you.

[MizzyMuffling]

Originally Posted by 408MoonGem

Jr's been out 90 days, he's doing well, I am very proud of him! He can't have a license until he completes an 18 month DUI class (he had 2 DUI's before incarceration and the state sticks you to the terms even after serving 2 decades) which is the most irritating issue at hand. We've decided that we are in two very different places / phases of our lives, and in order for us to be the partner the other needs we would require more of ourselves than we can offer right now.*

No one could have prepared us for this MWI transition from locked up relationship to one out here, it's just something we had to go through, feel, experience, and learn from.*

We love each other, still chat / check in.. we'll be apart of each others lives, just removing the focus and label of being married.

Oh wow... really sorry to read this. Sending you a lot of strength & perseverance

[MizzyMuffling]

Originally Posted by Visitor611

You waited an awfully long time to make this decision. I'm not sure what you expected for so long, but whatever it is, is vastly different then what you thought. Lots of messages by you, claiming how amazing and great all of this and he was, only to fold the tent in 3 months later. It's a thing though, right? Inmates get out, and find out it doesn't work because of how little time is spent together while they are locked up. It is a recurring theme. You are married, and it technically shouldn't matter at all what he's going through. You make it together and as a team. Lots of people are in "different places" in a marriage. Why'd you even get married in the first place?

That’s also the direction I’m thinking and that’s why I’m not getting married to him nor sitting on packed boxes.
I’ve spent a total amount of maybe 12+ hours with him face to face so far under very limited circumstances and we had a lot of phone-time but that is not a „real“ relationship for me. It’s maybe a preview of coming attractions but nothing more.
He’s in his 27th year and when he’ll come home it will most certainly be like we’ll be on two different planets - at least for awhile.
Emotionally I’m very much attached to him and I’m looking very much forward to get to know him on the outside but that’s how far it goes. He has a right to enjoy his freedom without me expecting a ring the moment he gets out.

[AnieLove56]

Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling

Emotionally I’m very much attached to him and I’m looking very much forward to get to know him on the outside but that’s how far it goes. He has a right to enjoy his freedom without me expecting a ring the moment he gets out.

That's how it is with me and T. Very much emotionally attached and I love him to death. But when he gets out, he's gonna be a whole different person. And I can't wait to get to know THAT person.

[408MoonGem]

Originally Posted by Visitor611

You waited an awfully long time to make this decision. I'm not sure what you expected for so long, but whatever it is, is vastly different then what you thought. Lots of messages by you, claiming how amazing and great all of this and he was, only to fold the tent in 3 months later. It's a thing though, right? Inmates get out, and find out it doesn't work because of how little time is spent together while they are locked up. It is a recurring theme. You are married, and it technically shouldn't matter at all what he's going through. You make it together and as a team. Lots of people are in "different places" in a marriage. Why'd you even get married in the first place?

We did what we thought was best, we tried, we've split up, we tried again, we're emotionally attached, just not focusing on a marriage... we're doing what is best for ourselves. I am unable to commit to moving out of my county (right now), where he cannot reside, possibly ever. We love each other and are more involved in each others lives than ever before, a marriage just isn't the focus. We discussed getting divorced before he got out, but we agreed to wait and check things out.. we're fine, we're just not rushing to move in together - my daughter is a few months away from moving out to attend college and for the first time in my life I will be an empty nester, I will take a year to explore how that feels and what it means to be alone, for once in my life - I owe it to myself and he respects that.

[408MoonGem]

Originally Posted by AnieLove56

I can't wait to get to know THAT person.

I'm sure he most definitely can't either - he's lucky to have you!

[Visitor611]

Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling

That’s also the direction I’m thinking and that’s why I’m not getting married to him nor sitting on packed boxes.
I’ve spent a total amount of maybe 12+ hours with him face to face so far under very limited circumstances and we had a lot of phone-time but that is not a „real“ relationship for me. It’s maybe a preview of coming attractions but nothing more.
He’s in his 27th year and when he’ll come home it will most certainly be like we’ll be on two different planets - at least for awhile.
Emotionally I’m very much attached to him and I’m looking very much forward to get to know him on the outside but that’s how far it goes. He has a right to enjoy his freedom without me expecting a ring the moment he gets out.

That is the right mindset to have. It is why I respect your opinions. No other relationship status is more fantasized then a prison one. The blinders are put on. It isn't too difficult to be ultra charming and perfect in the small time to those that live so far apart. What's left? Completely dreaming about how great those 3 hours were. People get hurt, and this is even worse when you wait for someone. It's absolutely terrible. No one gets that time back.